


Leave No Trace Behind

by immen_sity



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barson, Cheating, Episode: s17e17 Manhattan Transfer, F/M, Mutual Pining, Secret Relationship, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:41:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 99,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immen_sity/pseuds/immen_sity
Summary: Olivia Benson knows that Ed Tucker is a good boyfriend - he's smart, kind, understanding; the whole package. However, when she wakes up in Rafael Barba's bed one morning, she's forced to make some incredibly tough decisions and address her hidden feelings for the ADA.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Ed Tucker, Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 127
Kudos: 181





	1. Dangerous Liaisons

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone! this is my first attempt at a multi-chap, slow-burn, angsty fic. i have nothing against Ed Tucker, i promise, but this is first and foremost a *Barson fic*, so that's the pairing i'll be focussing on as the story progresses! 
> 
> check the tags to see if you're okay with the subject matter - i don't personally condone cheating/infidelity, but was interested in exploring it and its complexities here. it'll be a long and bumpy ride!
> 
> an extra huge THANK YOU to joyfulmariskahgt for beta-ing the first two chapters! 
> 
> thank you so much in advance for reading. do say hi at @immen_sity on Twitter if you're on there - i just joined!

_"No, Ed is not capable of that." Rafael, accusing_ **_Ed Tucker_ ** _of being a sex trafficker? She couldn't believe what he was hearing._

_The worst thing was that he was dead serious about the accusations, and she knew it._

_"Since when? I thought SVU hated this guy. He's gone after each and every one of you!"_

_He had a point. She'd known Ed for over a decade and most of their interactions, until very recently, had revolved around finding fault in one of her partners - or her. IAB and SVU didn't have the best relationship, and occasionally it made her question what on earth she saw in Ed, especially after all the negative encounters they'd had. She shuddered a little thinking about the time she was framed for murder, but instinctively put her guard up and defended the man she'd kissed goodbye that morning._

_"That's his job! He has to be relentless. You're wrong about him. Trust me," she retorted, her tone insistent and firm. She couldn't possibly be wrong about Ed. Not after all she'd endured in her love life to finally end up in a relationship with someone reliable and stable._

_She instantly regretted not catching herself when she saw his reaction._

_"Wait." Rafael's expression turned cold. "Are you involved with him?" he demanded, green eyes burning with something Olivia couldn't read. It terrified her. Hurt? Anger? Suspicion?_

_"Don't ask me that." What else was she going to say - "I'm in a committed relationship with a man you're convinced is a serial child sex trafficker"? Lie that she didn't have a_ special _relationship with Ed, after what she'd just told Rafael? She turned away from him and avoided his red-hot gaze, feeling like she had to physically remove herself from its path._

_"When were you gonna tell me? I am informing you that a captain at IAB may be involved in a sex trafficking ring, and you don't mention that the two of you are sleeping together?!"_

_She stiffened hearing the fury in his tone. This was something he saved for uncooperative witnesses and difficult defense attorneys. Never her. Feeling a wave of defiance ripple through her, Olivia turned towards him, inhaled deeply, and stilled her shaking voice._

_"You're wrong about him. Bring him in here, ask him yourself." There was no way Ed was involved with any of this. Not right after she'd finally let her guard down enough to let him into her life. But there was no convincing Rafael otherwise._

_"You and I are done talking." His voice was steely and booming, but his eyes said otherwise. Was that... hurt? Jealousy, even?_

_She couldn't muster a response. Olivia picked up the jacket she'd draped on his chair and left without another word, feeling as though Rafael's gaze had physical weight. It crushed her._

_She'd fucked up her closest friendship, big time._

* * *

_Olivia waited by the path she knew Rafael took to his office every morning. From her vantage point she watched him approach his usual coffee stand, walking quickly and lost in thought._ Probably thinking about how to nail my boyfriend for sex trafficking _, she thought. He was wrong. She had to set him straight._

_"Barba."_

_He didn't even pause to look at her. "We're not supposed to be talking." He was technically right, but she wasn't going to let her best friend - if that's what they still were - walk right past her without acknowledging what he'd done. He'd gotten her transferred! To_ **_Community Affairs_** _! "Did you know that I was getting transferred?"_

_She couldn't even express how much she hated that job, as lovely as her new colleagues (hopefully not for long) were. Olivia stepped right in front of him, forcing him to stop dead in his tracks and look her in the eye."You told them about me and Tucker, and a few hours later I'm getting pep talks about what a great asset that I would be to women in Community Affairs," she spit out, hoping he'd feel a modicum of guilt, at the very least._

_"Liv, you're seeing someone I'm investigating. 1PP had to know."_

_She really didn't want to bring Tucker's name up again, but her emotions got the better of her. "Tucker is_ not _a sex trafficker."_

_"Then the investigation will clear him. Until it does, just stay out of it," he fired back, emphasising the last phrase._

_Momentarily she felt terrible for cornering him like that. He was just looking out for her. He had a professional obligation to report her relationship to 1PP. However, it still stung when he flat-out refused to talk to her for just a minute, even when she begged him to help the poor girls who had been trafficked. She watched as he strode away, leaving her standing alone in the middle of the crowded sidewalk._

* * *

"Rafael, I need to talk to you."

"Call Carmen and make an appointment, then. Don't show up at my door at 1am." He glared at Olivia through the small crack in the door and was about to shut it on her, but she stuck her arm out and stopped him.

"Ed's been cleared and you got your job back, Liv. There's _nothing_ we need to talk about."

"Let me in," she demanded. "I came all the way here from Forlini's." The feeling of not having her best friend's back during the investigation was hard enough. She wasn't going to drag out this feud they were having. With a deep sigh, he gave in and let her in. She threw her jacket off and sat on his couch, collecting herself before what she had to say next.

He poured himself a glass of scotch and stood over her. "Shouldn't you be celebrating with Tucker?" he asked dryly.

"Pour me a glass. We need to talk about... _us,_ " she declared. He sat down at the opposite end of the couch. _I'm listening,_ he told her, wordlessly.

"Ed and I had a big fight at the bar. I didn't know where else to go. It's been hard for us, this case..." That was a no-brainer, especially when the person she shared a bed with had been accused of something truly heinous. "We were talking about how rattled this whole investigation made me. He sensed that I still couldn't relax even though he's been cleared, and wanted to know why I wasn't happier about the situation. Long story short, we got into a huge fight and I left. And now I'm here."

"And you're telling me all this because you want advice from Dr Phil?" He sipped his scotch slowly, green eyes meeting hers over the rim of his glass. "I'm not the person for you."

"Something still doesn't feel right and it's making me angry and stressed. And that _something_ , I realised when I left the bar, is you. We're friends, right, Rafael? And we finally can clear the air between us now that all this is over."

"If you're here to chew me out for reporting you to 1PP, spare me. I _had_ to do it, Liv. I couldn't look like I was protecting you _or_ Tucker. 1PP and the DA's office know that we're close. And getting you transferred was the best way to keep you _and_ your name out of this investigation until I could clear the both of you." He noticed her dissatisfaction with his response, and added, "I don't have a grudge against Tucker, Liv, despite what you think you sensed that afternoon in my office."

"That's what I want to talk about. Not the investigation. I need to talk about that afternoon, in your office."

"You weren't upfront with me, Liv! You should have told me about your relationship with Tucker _the instant_ his name came up. You always press me to be forthcoming and honest with you, and I can't do the same? I practically had to force the answer out of you. You weren't going to tell me otherwise, right?"

She downed the rest of her glass in one gulp. "You made your anger abundantly clear to me, Rafael."

"Then cut to the chase and stop skirting whatever issue you've come here to shout at me about." He rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat with an exasperated sigh.

"Why did you react so strongly when you found out that I'm involved with Ed?" she demanded, re-using his words from that day.

"Because you could have fucked up this investigation, Liv! Do you not get that? You could have screwed me - and yourself - over big time. Surely you're not holding things against me for, I don't know, protecting your reputation and career with the NYPD?" His sarcasm dripped all over her.

"Oh, you know that's not what I'm talking about, Rafael." When he didn't react, she slammed her glass on the table, startling him. "You acted like I drove a knife straight through your heart when you found out. Don't think I didn't see the look in your eyes. You want to tell me what all that's about?"

"It doesn't matter, Liv. You and Tucker can be out in the open together now. Why do you care what I think about the two of you? Tucker was right. For someone who's just had her ass saved, you _are_ very unhappy."

"Answer the question, Rafael."

"Oh, I'm on the witness stand now?" he snarled. He set his glass next to hers and crossed his arms.

"I _know_ you were hiding something. And I'm not backing down until you explain it to me." The scotch had gone directly to her head, giving her the liquid courage she needed to stare him down.

"Fine," he snapped. She watched him stand up and pace the room, arms still folded. "But don't come crying to me if the truth hurts."

"Go ahead. I've been dragged through the mud enough the last few weeks."

"I hate seeing you and Tucker together," he spat out. "Fuck, I hate that guy. I hate seeing him destroy you and your squad."

"What?"

"I really thought we had something, Liv." He stood by the window and gazed out at Central Park, his voice suddenly softer and aching. "So yes, I was hurt that when I found out you were... are _involved_ with Tucker. You can do better than him." 

This was not how Rafael wanted to declare his feelings for Olivia Benson. But she'd chosen Tucker over him, and there was no use in fighting that anymore, especially after the events of the last few days, which he was sure had only strengthened their bond.

"You think you're better than Ed? That's rich coming from someone who spent his first few weeks at SVU treating me like I was an idiot."

"Tucker has spent _years_ going after you and your squad, Liv! Don't think I haven't heard about the time he had you arrested on that murder charge and your friends had to pool their money to get Langan to defend you. He practically destroyed Amaro's career, not to mention he almost wrecked _yours_ . And you're comparing asshole me to _him_? I thought you, of all people, would know that I've changed for the better since I started working with you." He kept his eyes trained on the Manhattan skyline, but Olivia saw the hurt - and were those tears? - welling up in them. 

However, she wasn't going to let herself be swayed by that. "Don't, Rafael. Don't make me feel guilty for choosing to be with Ed. You should be happy for me.”

"See, Liv, this is why I didn't want to tell you about this. It's better for everyone... you... if I just shut up and left you two alone. And I'm not going to get dragged into... whatever it is you and Ed have going on."

Olivia stared into her now-empty scotch glass. "He's my _boyfriend_ , Rafael. And this is why I didn't tell you that he and I were together. Because I feared how you would react."

"You're admitting it, then?"

"Admitting to what?"

"You know that I have feelings for you."

"You weren't very subtle about them, Rafael. And no offense, but "Rafael has feelings for me" isn't a reason to put my love life on pause."

"This isn't high school. Life goes on even if my feelings are unrequited and I can deal with them like an adult. But don't act like you're above it all and haven't flirted with me in the past. The day you sat in my office and cried over the Hank Abraham case in my arms, for example. You already were seeing Tucker then, weren’t you? And all the other times we've spent together. I may not be a romantic, but I'm not blind enough to miss the signs, Liv.”

He was right. But she couldn't admit to that - not now. So she settled for a barb, her face flushed and voice venomous.

"You're acting like a jealous asshole right now. Oh, right. You _are_ one."

"You're the one in a relationship with Tucker, not me. Go and deal with him. Don't sit there and take out your relationship problems on me.”

Olivia stood up and marched over to the window where he was standing, standing so close to him that she could see his chest huffing and dress shirt bunching. Without her shoes on, she stood eye-to-eye with him. 

"Say it to my face, then. Say that you _never_ had any feelings for me and we'll put this to rest," he taunted, his face nearly touching hers. "Say it." 

Olivia stared into his eyes, which were once again filled with an inscrutable mix of fury and vulnerability, and now daring her to let him down once and for all. She felt utterly helpless as they bore into her soul, and resisted the urge to turn away like she'd done in his office.

 _I've never had feelings for you_ , she wanted to say. _I don't have feelings for you._ It was so easy to say - why couldn't she just say it?

But she couldn't, because both of those statements were outright lies. And Rafael Barba would see through practically any lie she constructed.

Now she'd never be able to look at Ed without thinking about Rafael's admission, or questioning her feelings for _both_ Ed and him. She'd been attracted to him since the Jocelyn Paley case, when he wrapped that belt around his neck and taunted Adam Cain into pulling it until he lost all control and revealed his true colours on the stand. Now he was doing the same to her; tugging at her emotions until she was on the precipice of bursting. This is what he did in court. Not to her.

_I will not fold._

But she did.

"I can't do that, Rafael." She felt foolishly near tears, and kept her eyes glued to the Chrysler Building in the distance. "Please don't make me do that," she whispered.

"Why? Cat's got your tongue?" His tone, still haughty and demanding, rang in her ears.

Her voice shook. "I'd be lying if I said that to you, and you know it."

"So, what are we going to do about it? You leave and we pretend this conversation never happened, and I pretend to be happy for you whenever I see you with Ed? This conversation never should have happened."

They were inches apart but trapped, feeling like they'd reached an impasse. Someone had to back down. Walk away. Their relationship would _never_ be the same again. There was no deeper shit they could possibly be in.

She inhaled his combination of scotch and woodsy cologne. He eyed her with a potent mix of anger and lust. She felt naked, exposed, _turned on._

_Do I want him?_

Desire erupted in her belly. He was radiating it too.

_If I weren't with Ed, what would I be doing right now?_

The next thing she did came over her like a spell, but it didn't detract from the blinding clarity in her mind. 

Olivia lunged at him, grabbed his suspenders, pulled him close, and plunged her tongue into his mouth.

She wasn't surprised when he kissed back or felt his hand move down her back.

* * *

Sunlight streamed through the partially open window, bathing the bedroom in a warm glow. On a chilly morning, the warmth was divine. Olivia rubbed her eyes and sank into the bed beneath her, ignoring the mild headache that she felt coming on.

 _Wait._ This didn't feel like her quilt. The pillows didn't smell like hers. It wasn't her side of the bed. She didn't recognise the ceiling. Her clothes weren’t on.

Fuck. This bed wasn't hers.

Her eyes shot open and she turned to her left, pulse accelerating.

Next to her lay the sleeping, half-naked figure of Rafael Barba.

Rafael sensed some unfamiliar movement in his bed and fumbled around for the body that lay next to his, eyes still closed. He gasped when his hand brushed against what felt like a woman's hand, and immediately sat up, with Olivia following suit.

Green eyes found brown and a wave of horror washed over them both. The gravity of what they'd done the night before hit them like a freight truck. No, this wasn’t a just drunken one-night stand.

An uneasy silence fell over them as Olivia ran through her morning routine in her head - the only thing that could still her when she was in such deep shit. _Noah - Lucy had agreed to take him to her mother's place in Jersey for a couple of days while the investigation wrapped up, knowing how much Mrs Huston loved Noah. Work - she needed to get home, as soon as possible, for a shower and change of clothes, because God forbid she reported to work in the same clothes as the day before. Breakfast - she'd grab a protein bar from the kitchen drawer, once she got back home to…_

Ed.

Oh God, Ed.

She jumped out of the bed, startling Rafael. He watched helplessly as she rummaged through her clothes on his bedroom floor for her phone. "Five missed calls from Ed. He's probably wondering where the hell I was last night. Fuck." She was on the verge of tears, but couldn't get her head straight enough to decide what the _hell_ she was going to do.

"Liv, you need to calm down." She looked up and found Rafael standing next to her and hurriedly putting his T-shirt on. He had to be just as frazzled as she was, but if he was, he wasn't showing it.

"Don't tell me to calm down! I have a boyfriend and he's going to flip when he finds out I was here with you and did... oh my God." The reality of what she'd just done began to sink in, and she felt a wave of nausea rise up her throat. Without another word, she sprinted into his bathroom, phone and clothes in hand, and locked the door behind her.

Olivia splashed ice-cold water on her face and stared at herself in the mirror. No hickeys or love marks, thank God. She noticed the full bottle of Terre D'Hermes on the counter and figured that she probably reeked of it, but she had a bottle of perfume in the glove compartment of her car and could easily mask his scent with hers even if she didn't have time for a shower.

Her phone buzzed in her hand as she ran her fingers through her unkempt, greasy hair. _Shit_. She not only had the five missed calls from Ed, but he'd also left multiple voice messages. With trembling fingers, she played them back one-by-one. The first three were from last night.

_Liv, I'm sorry for what happened at the bar. Did you make it home safe? You probably don't want to talk to me right now, but text me when you get back, okay?_

_Liv, are you alright? Can I come over? I want to apologise. In person, of course._

_Okay, Liv. I get it - I was wrong, and I won't bother you again tonight. I've headed back to my place. I'll see you after you get off work tomorrow. Love you._

A tear formed in her eye. Ed was being such a sweetheart, and she'd gone and slept with someone else... Thank goodness he hadn't gone over to her place after the fight at the bar or this morning. He'd have known right away that she wasn't back all night. If she wanted to bury this, she could hide it from him indefinitely, provided Rafael was in on it too. The guilt ate away at her as she played the remaining message.

 _Hi Liv. Hope you slept well. I just wanted to say sorry again for last night. It was hard for both of us and I shouldn't have interrogated you like that. IAB habits, you know? It's not an excuse, but I'm trying, Liv, and I'll make it up to you, I promise. I love you so much. Take care today and I'll see you tonight, hopefully_.

She was fucked.

Three minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom, dressed in her work clothes from the day before and looking somewhat more polished than before although she felt like absolute trash. Rafael was choosing a fresh suit from his closet, but he put the hangers down and turned to look at her when he heard her footsteps.

"Liv." He took a step towards her and looked her in the eye. She didn't know how he was so calm. _Right_ \- he didn't have a committed partner who'd probably find out eventually. "I don't know how the hell we ended up in this position."

"We're going to have to talk about this, Rafael. But not now. We have to get to work on time . And not a word to Ed or anyone who knows either of us until we can talk this through, as long as you can keep your mouth shut this time.”

He nodded, understanding the gravity of the situation. The NYPD and DA's office were breeding grounds for office gossip, and Rafael's disclosure of Olivia and Ed's relationship had already spread like wildfire, especially after her transfer to Community Affairs. He wasn't about to get in the middle of an already messy situation and drag his own name through the mud. What would people think of him, an ADA sleeping with the high-profile girlfriend of an equally high-profile IAB captain? He _had_ to keep this quiet.

Neither wanted to know what the backlash would look like.

Without another word, she retrieved her jacket from the living room couch and stormed out his front door, like she’d never been there. It was his cue to shower and get dressed for a day in court, like absolutely nothing had happened.

He stood in front of his mirror and straightened his tie and suspenders, while she sped through the Manhattan streets, hands clutching the wheel and berating herself for _cheating on her boyfriend._

It wasn’t a drunken night of debauchery that they could write off as a moment of bad judgment. _She_ kissed Rafael Barba first. _She_ practically led him into the bedroom and dared him to fuck her. _She knew exactly what she was doing the entire time, and didn’t do a thing to stop it._

Worst of all, they’d both enjoyed it.

Both had a sinking feeling that things were only going to get more complicated from here.


	2. It Takes Two to Tango

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael attempts to make sense of the encounter, while Olivia tip-toes around Ed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the kudos and lovely comments!
> 
> just a note that the first third of this chapter contains explicit sexual content.
> 
> another massive thank you to joyfulmariskahgt for beta-ing this! <3 this was my very first time writing actual smut and i needed to know that my attempt wasn't total and utter trash lol. i hope you all enjoy this chapter!

“No, Mr. Barba isn’t in his office at the moment, but I can take a message if you’d like, Lieutenant Benson?” he overheard Carmen say over the phone.

He made a mental note to give Carmen an extra paid lunch break on him for the trouble. He’d been very specific with his instructions not to let _anyone_ from the 16th Precinct know that he was in his office, lying that he needed some alone time to work through the last of the paperwork for the Catholic Church scandal. In actuality, he needed time alone to process the events of the night before. Leaning back in his chair, checking one last time that his door was locked and blinds shut, he shut his eyes and let his mind wander back to his bedroom.

_Their lips were duelling as her hands gripped his suspenders, holding his body right against hers. His hardening member pressed against her core through his pants, filling her belly with a carnal desire. Before they knew it she had led him to his bedroom and they stood in front of Rafael’s bed, chests heaving with anticipation and hands roaming all over each other’s bodies._

_Oh, he wanted this; he wanted this badly. But he wasn’t going to take that plunge until the woman standing in front of him looked him in the eye and told him to take that leap. He opened his mouth hesitantly, intending to ask Olivia if this was what she wanted. She sternly pressed a finger to his lips and silenced him._

_Olivia was dead serious, and she wanted him to know it. He saw the intentionality in her eyes, and felt his knees go weak._

_Rafael was enraptured by her power over him. He was almost scared to look in her eyes and accept that she wanted this, as forbidden as it was, just as much as he did. What were they doing, knowingly playing with fire like that?_

_“Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to make me beg?” Her voice dipped to a low, sensuous growl; it was part-challenge, part exhortation. “I know you want it.”_

_He jumped her. They crashed onto his bed, ripping off each other’s clothing with wild abandon. Her hands immediately roamed across his chest and to his erection; he took her nipple into his mouth, licking and sucking until it formed into a perky nub. His hand lowered ever-so-slowly, gravitating towards her increasingly wet silk panties. He heard her inhale deeply, drinking in the scent of his cologne._

_Olivia groaned in pleasure but wasn’t patient enough to sit through a minute more of foreplay. Without warning, she took his hand and slipped it into her panties, soaking his fingers in her wetness. Rafael fingered her glistening folds with masterful precision, his lips never leaving her nipples._

_A breathless, strained “Dios,” was all he could manage. How they’d gone from a screaming match in his living room to_ **this** , _he still couldn’t fully process. But whatever this_ _was, they moved like they'd been doing it for years._

_He silently watched her shed her panties and toss them to the ground, searching her face for any last hint of hesitance. Any sign telling him to stop, to back away from her now. But he found nothing of the sort. Her brown eyes, now heavy with arousal and determination, stared into his, wordlessly telling - no, demanding - they give in to their desire._

_He silenced the voice in his head telling him to back away; that she was with someone else._

_He knew the voice in her head was telling her to do the exact same thing._

_One move more and they’d plunge over the edge; one step back and there remained the slightest possibility they could act like none of this had ever happened. But the spell had been cast. The temptation of more was too tantalising for either of them to resist._

_"_ _Fuck me, Rafael," she finally drawled, raspy voice heavy with longing._

_That was all the confirmation he needed, and the last thing either of them said before their talking was replaced by the slaps of sweat-dampened skin, and muffled moans._

_Nothing - not all the anger she’d shown in interrogation rooms, nor the furious passion behind her professional disagreements with him - could have prepared him for the vigour with which she moved against him. The familiar brown eyes he’d often resisted the urge to stare into were even more stunning up-close. Her skin felt simultaneously scalding-hot and rose-petal soft against his chest, so electric that every touch sent waves of shock through his body. He'd never been kissed the way Olivia Benson kissed him, this hot-blooded and fervent. Blood rushed to his manhood, rendering him almost painfully stiff with anticipation._

_He took a second to compose himself -_ was this really happening? _\- before inserting himself into her, wanting to make sure that she was ready to take him. Without leaving his eyes, she took his hand in hers and guided his cock into her in one smooth motion. A guttural moan escaped her lips, and he pushed his lips against hers, engulfing it with his own._

Dios. _She wrapped her legs around him and titled her hips, allowing him to take her as deeply as possible. He circled her tongue with his, remnants of the scotch burning his lips and the back of his throat._

_It was so wrong, but it felt so damn right._

_S_ _he gently tugged at his hair with her fingers, wordlessly urging him to thrust faster, harder. A bead of sweat formed above his brow and he let himself forget about Tucker, Cassidy, Haden... Olivia wanted_ him _and he focussed on pleasuring the woman who lay beneath him, her eyes full of yearning and soft lips all over his skin._

_"J_ _esus Christ, Liv.” He was close, so close - but didn’t want to let go until she was ready too. He wanted this for her._

_He brought his hand to her clit and stroked it as he thrust in and out of her, and her eyes shot open, a tidal wave of pleasure rippling through her body. That was just enough to bring her over the edge, and they rode out their orgasms, clinging tightly to each other._ _Rafael collapsed on top of her, electricity coursing through every fibre of his being; so consuming that her cry of ecstasy felt like it was a thousand miles away. For at least two whole minutes they lay silently with legs intertwined, listening to each other’s breathing settle._ _He sank into the bed beside her and let his tired mind overwhelm him, both too fearful to break the silence that loomed over them._

_Was she going to get up and leave? Were they going to enter a debate about what they’d just - very knowingly - done?_

_He didn’t expect her to turn to him and kiss him again, this time slow, sweet and loving. He let himself embrace her, both savouring the first moment of tenderness they’d shared that very heated night. She made no move to get out of bed or into her clothes, and he let a sense of peace, no matter how short or deceptive, sink over him as they fell asleep in each other’s arms._

_Fuck_ , he thought.

It was earth-shatteringly good sex, and not only because it’d been a while since he last had it. Olivia was so in control of the situation, yet wild and uninhibited - of course he’d fantasised about her privately in the past, but never had he imagined that he would have her _that way -_ so dominant and passionate.

And that kiss when they were done. Was that just her basking in the afterglow, or did it mean something more?

_No._

He couldn’t let himself get carried away wondering about that. Olivia was with Tucker. He chanted that to himself a few times and forced himself to burn that fact into his memory. Yes, they had sex. But only because she had _cheated on her boyfriend_ to have sex with him. Olivia wasn’t his, and they both knew it, but one look at the way she stared him down, demanding he fuck her, said otherwise. It made his head spin.

He stopped himself before his mind returned, _again_ , to the events of the night before.

_No, this cannot happen ever again._

He got up and grabbed the overnight bag he kept in his closet. He desperately needed to take a shower before he delved further down this train of thought.

* * *

Just a few blocks away, Olivia was mulling over the exact same events in the privacy of her office, having just been told by Carmen that Rafael wasn’t in. He definitely wasn’t in court; if he were, she’d probably be at the courthouse, sitting right behind him like she usually did. He had to be ignoring her calls, and she understood why. That was one conversation she wished they could delay indefinitely, but absolutely had to get to as soon as possible. 

A knock on her door yanked her back to reality, and she felt her heart sink when she saw who it was. _Ed._ She took a deep breath and composed herself as much as she could in the two seconds before he stepped in, hoping her residual guilt wouldn’t show on her face. He had something in his hand - that something being a bouquet of fresh flowers, she quickly realised.

“Liv,” he said quietly. “Is this a bad time?”

 _Yes, this is a bad time_ , but she didn’t want to turn him away and dig a bigger hole for herself. “No, not at all.” She spoke quietly and quickly, hoping to conceal her nervousness.

Ed set the bouquet on her table. “Liv, I’m sorry for being a selfish jerk at the bar last night. The investigation was hard for you too, and I shouldn’t have trivialised your emotions.”

 _Fuck._ Olivia felt like she was about to burst. Ed was being such a sweetheart. He _never_ bought flowers, and here he was with an enormous bouquet, his tone gentle and forgiving... and she’d just cheated on him with their ADA.

He visibly panicked when he saw tears well up in her eyes - whether it was from the residual tension from the investigation, or the flowers, or something completely unrelated, he had no clue. “Liv, did I say something wrong?”

 _Get yourself together, Benson._ She stood up and made her way to him while hiding her shaking legs, attempting to mask her irrational fear that she still smelled like Rafael’s cologne (she’d had two showers that morning and made sure to change all her clothes, including her jacket). She couldn’t possibly let Ed down, not after how sweet he’d been to her throughout the investigation, and now the flowers...

Olivia rested her hands on his waist – the only expression of affection she could manage - not caring that her office blinds weren’t fully drawn. She forced herself to look into his blue eyes and smile. “These are lovely, Ed. I’m sorry for storming out last night and missing all your calls.”

 _Missing all your calls because I was in someone else's bed..._ her brain completed.

Relief washed over Ed’s face when he saw her smile and he took her in his arms, grateful that he could do so now that everyone in the squad room now knew about their relationship, as painful and awkward as it had been for them to find out in the first place. “I love you so much, Liv. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in so long.”

Ed wasn't a good liar. He meant it, and that ate away at her soul.

“How about we get dinner tonight? You, me, Noah at home? We can order whatever you want.”

It wasn’t like Ed to readily include Noah in any of their activities, but the very fact that he made sure to include him the toddler this time was a sign enough that he was earnest about patching up this rift in their relationship. She could very well say no, and if she were being honest with herself, she _really_ wanted to reject his offer. But there was no compelling reason to do that, and she wasn’t about to let him catch on to what truly was bothering her.

“I’d love that. Come over at 6.30 and we can get something on Postmates?” she offered with a slight smile.

“It’s a date. I won’t keep you from your work. See you later.” He kissed her softly, once on the cheek and another on her lips, and left her alone with that humongous bouquet, which now served as an emblem of her shame and guilt. There was a small purple card - her favourite colour - attached to it. She almost didn’t want to read it, but sat back down and sighed deeply before opening it.

_Liv,_

_You are the goodness in my world. I love you._

_Ed_

Damn it. She let a solitary tear trickle down her cheek just as Amanda walked in. Sure, Olivia had her differences with Ed, and it sometimes was hard to forget about her difficult professional history with him. But one thing about their current romantic relationship held true: he always tried his best, even though it wasn’t in his nature to be a romantic. It just happened to be the _worst_ possible day to show that side of him.

“Liv, the workers are here to repair the break room vending machine... Oh God, are you alright? Are those flowers from Ed?” Amanda’s eyes shifted awkwardly between the huge bouquet and Olivia’s damp eyes. She’d found out about the relationship only the evening of Olivia’s sudden transfer, but allowed herself to feel some happiness for her boss, even if she barely concealed her disdain for the stiff captain and his fault-finding IAB tactics.

“I’m fine, Amanda. Argued with Ed last night, but how can I stay upset when he sends me these?”

Amanda was unconvinced by Olivia’s response - was she being sarcastic or genuine? - but backed away to check on the repair crew in the break room, knowing that it’d been a difficult time for both Olivia and Ed. Hopefully those tears weren’t a sign of a rift in their relationship, she thought.

Olivia had three hours to compose herself before she headed home to Ed. She couldn't keep tearing up when talking to him – he literally questioned cops for a living and would detect if something was off within seconds. And she couldn't be crying at work; not when she had a squad to manage. But it didn't seem like she would be able to talk to Rafael today, so getting any closure to her uncertainty (if closure even was attainable), was off the table. 

She hesitated for a minute, but eventually grabbed her phone and texted him.

_We need to talk about us._

She was surprised when a reply arrived within seconds.

_We do. But not today._

_Tomorrow? Your office?_

_No, this is going to take a while, and I don’t want to risk people interrupting us or getting suspicious that we’re alone. We need to find somewhere neutral._

_Okay, lunch tomorrow. Noon. Washington Square Park._

_Okay._

Olivia deleted any trace of that exchange from their chat. _A trademark of a cheater_ , she realised with a sinking feeling. Ed wasn't one to snoop, but she knew that the smallest things could catch her off-guard and get her ass in trouble, and she wasn't going to take any chances.

She honestly didn't know how to prepare to address the elephant in the room with the ADA. If all went well, they'd agree never to bring it up again, and continue living their lives like it never happened. Or maybe he'd chew her out for dragging him into her mess with Ed, or worse, never want to speak to her again. Would she rebuke him for agreeing to have sex with her? How on earth would she explain her wanting him so badly? Or the fact that **both** of them had admitted to having feelings for the other?

And that one long, sweet kiss they'd shared as they lay in bed after they'd done the deed - what even was that? That definitely wasn't just the sex talking. She'd _chosen_ to kiss him like that. Like how she’d kiss a lover.

Like the way she kissed Ed.

Nothing was certain anymore. That was the only thing she knew for sure.

Olivia tasted bile, sour and acidic, at the back of her throat. She hadn't eaten the entire day and her appetite wasn't even close to coming back. All she could taste was the scotch on her and Rafael’s breaths, tingling and burning - a taste that all the coffee in the precinct couldn't wipe.

* * *

That evening, Olivia left her car at the precinct and found a corner seat on the uptown 1 train, its annoyingly high number of stops a source of comfort for her on an abysmal day like this one. More stops meant delaying her return to her apartment, where she _knew_ Ed was already making himself comfortable and perusing the take-out menus in the kitchen drawer while waiting for Lucy to drop Noah off. 

She juggled the giant bouquet and her bag on her lap and mentally ran through the state in which she'd left her apartment that morning - the clothes she'd worn last night and that now reeked of Terre D'Hermes were in her hamper, buried beneath three days of laundry (and sprayed with Febreze for good measure). Her jacket was at the dry cleaners' - Ed definitely would smell the cologne if she left it on the coat rack by the door. Thankfully, she hadn't made her bed in days, making it look like she'd slept there last night; she wasn't one to make her bed in the morning, and that was a quirk of hers that Ed was familiar with.

 _Fuck._ First the deleting of texts, and now the concealment of an unfamiliar masculine scent. It disgusted her, thinking of herself as a cheater. She'd only done it once. But even if she washed every trace of Terre D'Hermes and Macallan from her skin, she still reeked of guilt, and that was a stench she couldn't wash away with just a shower.

Lucy had just arrived at the Benson apartment when Olivia walked through the door, and she gratefully ran over to embrace Noah, conveniently ignoring Ed's concerned gaze from the kitchen counter. She knew he was looking for signs of red eyes or dishevelled hair, after her tears in her office that afternoon, but she could play that game just as well as he did. She couldn’t let him get to her.

_Three hours with Ed. Then I can go to bed. In my own bed._

"Liv, how are you feeling?" He'd ordered a large pizza (sausage, her favourite), and they sat side-by-side on her couch, his arm around her as they watched Noah fiddle with his blocks on the floor. She shut her eyes and tried to ease into the arms she'd grown familiar with, but now felt cold and distant and only reminded her of the arms she’d fallen asleep in the night before.

"I'm okay, I guess. Had a tiring day sorting out a ton of paperwork and handling a difficult suspect." _And thinking about how I let you down…_

Thank goodness Ed wasn't the kind to press her for details, despite his job, because there was no way she was ready to handle an interrogation. She put on HBO and watched whatever was airing at the time, eager for a distraction of any kind. Her eyes, heavy from the strain of the mental gymnastics she'd been playing the whole day, gradually shut to the quiet hum of the speakers.

"Liv...?" Sometime later, she jolted awake, feeling Ed's hand on her shoulder, and squinted at the clock on the coffee table. 10:03pm. "You fell asleep. I've put Noah to bed. I think I'd better let you get some rest."

And bam, there it was - the nagging guilt, back in full force. He'd put to Noah to bed, which he almost _never_ did voluntarily, for her. She sat up on the couch, now fully awake, and noticed that he already had his jacket and scarf on.

_Okay, Benson, focus on Ed. Now's not the time to think about Ra-..._

She watched as he pulled his boots back on in the hallway. He'd been nothing but a gentleman that day and she'd responded by being evasive and dozing off. "Ed... I'm sorry for such a crappy date night." 

"It's alright, Liv. You need to get some sleep. But… can I ask you something before I go?"

"What is it?" Her pulse accelerated hearing his nervous tone. Was he on to her? Surely there was no way he'd snooped through her laundry hamper and found the offending outfit while she was asleep? Or found another sign of her betrayal that she'd missed that morning?

Eyes darting anxiously between her and the floor, Ed asked quietly, "Are we okay? You know, after last night at the bar?"

Olivia exhaled. She was still in the clear. But for how long?

She walked towards him and took his hands in hers to assure him - and herself, while at that. (Really, she needed it more than he did.) "Yes, we're fine, Ed. I'm tired, but this has nothing to do with you, I promise."

It technically was true. Ed hadn't done anything to deserve this.

Worries assuaged by her response and display of affection, he kissed her goodbye and left her with a tender "I love you".

That conversation erased any trace of exhaustion; now she was keenly awake, mind racing yet again. She collapsed into her bed, not bothering to change out of her work clothes, and forcibly shut her eyes. It'd been less than 24 hours since the encounter, and it wasn't going to get any easier. The thought made her want to throw up again, and she gulped some water from the glass Ed had thoughtfully left on her nightstand (inducing another wave of guilt), stomach churning with anxiety and remorse.

Real sleep didn't come easy, especially knowing that she had a difficult conversation the following afternoon.


	3. Clandestine Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Olivia have a very difficult conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everyone who's read this so far - i hope you're enjoying it! another massive shout-out to joyfulmariskahgt for her help with this chapter :')
> 
> say hi on twitter if you're on there (@immen_sity)! if you're in the mood for an Xmas-themed Barson fic, i have one [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28009902)! merry Christmas in advance <3
> 
> *EDIT to add*: thank you so much to everyone who's read this and commented! i'm aware that this is a stressful/anxiety-inducing storyline and can't promise that it's going to be easy - there's a long and bumpy road ahead - but i love these characters and genuinely want the best for them (even if it doesn't seem like it right now), so i hope you'll stick around for the journey 😊

Rafael found an empty bench in the corner of the park, away from the buskers, skateboarders and general fanfare around the park's fountain. He almost never visited Washington Square Park, which made it the perfect place to meet Olivia. No NYU students would care about whatever either of these middle-aged, overdressed professionals had to say about their relationship, or lack thereof, and virtually no one from either of their offices would venture to the heart of a college campus for an mid-day picnic. (A _very_ high-stakes picnic, he tried to joke with himself, but it fell flat.)

At exactly 12:01, he spotted her by the entrance of the park, clutching a brown paper bag. She handed him a sandwich wrapped in foil, and he didn't have to unwrap it to know that she'd bought him his usual - bacon, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel. "Stopped by Black Seed Bagels. Figured we’d be here a while,” she said, tone flat and neutral.

"Thanks." He took the sandwich from her gingerly unwrapping it, looking for any excuse to delay the inevitable or look into her eyes. She didn’t seem angry or upset, which was a promising start, but he didn’t want to let his guard down until he knew for sure.

Olivia was the first to speak. "Can we agree on something before we start talking?"

"Mmm?" He finally turned to look at her. He still couldn’t read her face, he was starting to feel his palms get clammy. 

She was resolute; firm - she meant business. "We need to be 100% honest with each other today. No hiding, no white lies, nothing."

He straightened in his seat, resisting the urge to make a snarky comment about the precise _lack_ of honesty that had led them into this situation. As much as it formed the basis of their friendship, snark wouldn’t help them - not today. "I agree.”

"Now that we have that out of the way - I think there's no use beating around the bush, Rafael."

"Where do we even begin?" He kept his tone as calm and collected as hers. He certainly didn't want a reprise of their explosive - and seismic - argument in his apartment, knowing how _that_ one had ended. 

"Well... how are you doing?"

"What kind of question is that, Liv? How do you expect me to answer that? We clearly wanted to have sex with each other, and we did..." Rafael bit his tongue when he realised that his response came across far more hostile than he'd intended. _What a way to start this discussion…_ He paused and looked at her apologetically.

Olivia wasn't rattled. "That, we can at least agree on. It was consensual. We both wanted it, we made our consent clear, neither of us was incapacitated or withdrew consent throughout?" she stated, letting her detective instincts take over for a few seconds while he nodded along. At least they weren't looking at a he said-she said scenario. It was a small start, but an important one, nonetheless. 

"I agree. Okay, it's good that we have that out of the way... but how the _fuck_ did we end up in this situation?" He instinctively turned to her for guidance. There was no ADA or detective shield to hide behind now. It was just Olivia and Rafael - two people in some _very_ deep shit, talking at mid-day, in a park they never visited, because they’d done something so scandalous that it could _never_ enter their offices. The calm, collected tone of the conversation up to that point imploded immediately, and they sat next to each other awkwardly, arms folded on their laps.

She stared at her bagel and contemplated her response. "It’s on me. I was having problems with Ed, I came to you, the two of us ended up talking about… whatever feelings there are between us, and I kissed you first, and then we had sex.” He could hear the guilt in her voice, which pricked his heart - he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if Olivia blamed herself entirely for what happened, knowing that he was just as complicit as she was.

"You know, it takes two to tango. _We_ both chose to do this. This is on the both of us. And I don't know how productive it's going to be if we sit here talking about who exactly is responsible for all of this, because none of this would have happened if one of us wasn't a willing participant in one way or another." Maintaining his courtroom facade was the only way he could continue with this conversation without it rapidly spiralling out of control. “So please, don’t blame yourself, Liv.”

He was grateful when she nodded quietly. "You're right, and I know it. But I can't stop thinking about that conversation we had before, you know, we had sex." Olivia turned to him with sadness in her eyes, and he knew that that was one elephant in the room that they wouldn't be able to dance around if they ever wanted to work normally again. “I think _that’s_ what we have to talk about first.”

Rafael found himself tongue-tied for the first time in a long time. He _really_ didn’t want to kick-start this discussion. "Do you want to go first?”

"I don't even know where to start, Rafael.”

"I don't know, either." Ease into it and prolong the awkwardness, or bite the bullet and get it over and done with? All of his legal training hadn't prepared him for this. He shifted uncomfortably in his suit and the bagel in his mouth suddenly felt stale and tasteless. 

“Might as well cut to the chase then." She took an enormous breath and squeezed her eyes shut. "What I said was true. I... have had feelings for you, Rafael. And I think... I mean, I know... I still do. God, I can’t believe I’m actually saying this right now.” Olivia stumbled over her words like that admission physically pained her. “This is such a mess...” She buried her head in her hands, eyes stinging with tears for the umpteenth time since she'd left Rafael's apartment the previous morning.

His breath caught. He’d fully expected Olivia to retract what she’d said that night and write the sex off as a heat-of-the-moment mistake, but here she was, _affirming_ her feelings for him, even after what had happened? _Shit._ How he wished these weren't the circumstances, because things weren’t going to get any easier. 

She looked at him, expecting a response, but he stared at her, feeling the enormity of that statement sink in. _Olivia Benson has feelings for me. Present tense._ The desire he'd seen in her eyes and passion in her kisses two nights ago suddenly felt ten times more intense in his memory, as impossible as he thought that was. There was no other logical explanation for the passionate sex they’d had. He hadn’t hallucinated it. Those feelings were real!

But... Ed. Where did Rafael fit into the picture? 

He wanted so badly to kiss her again and tell her that he loved her too, but all he could manage after a tense, endless silence was a feeble "You’re with Ed, Liv...” 

Olivia flinched hearing Ed’s name. She bit her lip and tried to push any trace of the IAB captain's blue eyes out of her mind. "I know..." she muttered, but didn't make a move to elaborate further. There wasn't a need to - the guilt both of them emanated was telling enough.

Rafael let his mind settle and hands still before speaking. “What I said is true too, Liv. I do have feelings for you; I have since we first met.” His eyes brimmed with sadness and a tinge of defeat; for years he'd been waiting for the right moment to _finally_ tell her, but there was no wiping the slate clean now. “But there’s no point in me saying that now, right?” 

He was right. 

The reality of their feelings filled the air with a crushing, defeated silence. They evaded each other's eyes and stared at the Washington Square arch in the distance, impervious to the mid-day hustle and bustle. How badly he wanted to take her hand and kiss her like a lover; how much she yearned to be in his grappling embrace on this very park bench, letting the city race by around them. But all they settled for were resigned sighs.

“God, what have we done, Rafael?” It came out as both a statement and plea.

He didn’t hide his disappointment. “Something we can never do again, Liv."

They didn't have to look at each other to know that they both had tears welling in their eyes. He knew her: Olivia wasn't going to give up on stable, reliable Ed up so easily - not after a history of tumultuous and rocky relationships. And Rafael wasn't going to ask her to do that for him. It’d be best for them to act like it had never happened. 

Here they stood at the crossroads: were they going to walk away from each other for good, or choose to stay in each other’s lives, knowing the enormous pain that could come from their once-unshakeable friendship? He didn't even want to think about the former, but forced himself to confront that possibility. If that's what she needed to find happiness with Ed, he'd resign himself to it and let her find it.

But if this was the last time they ever talked as friends, he wanted to be strong - for her, if not for himself. Walking away from her and giving them a clean break was the best way to sort this mess out, he knew perfectly well, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it; not even after 2 days of contemplating the possibility.

They’d agreed to be 100% honest with each other, right? 

He muttered a quick prayer under his breath, ignoring the fact that he hadn’t been to mass in years, and plunged head-on into the abyss. "I will always love you, Liv.” He could barely keep a lid on his emotions - it was driving a knife through his own heart - but forced himself to speak. “But I don't want you this way. I can't be a third party. But I still want to be your friend; your best friend, like we are... or were… I still want to be in your life. It would kill me to lose you," he admitted, his voice now filled with vulnerability and sadness. "I'll understand if you don't want to see me again, but-" 

She cut him off before he could continue and let her tears fall freely. "I don't want to lose you, Rafael. Please don't walk away from me," she pleaded quietly. “I was so scared that you’d never want to talk to me again.”

"You won't lose me, Liv." He placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder - the first physical contact they’d made since that morning - and suddenly didn’t know how long to let it linger. _Fuck_. He knew that this was going to be a difficult conversation, but it was all these tiny cues and signals that were going to be his undoing. He was going to have to re-programme _everything_ about the way he behaved around her if this had any chance of working.

Rafael put on the strongest facade he could to conceal how much everything they were discussing crushed him - being _so_ close to Olivia Benson and knowing that she felt the same way he did about her, but not being able to hold her hand or call her _mi amor_ . Rafael desperately wanted to promise that to both her _and_ himself, but the prospect of watching her with Ed, especially _after_ the night they'd shared, made him feel sick to his stomach.

How different could it really be from the last few years, seeing her almost every single day, while knowing that he couldn't have her? But he knew that it also wasn't anything like before. He once could live in the blissful liminality of _hoping_ she loved him back; of reading into every little touch and knowing glance they shared and _hoping_ that one day, they'd mean something more than just friendship. From now on he'd look at her and have to accept that they'd never be able to pursue those feelings. They challenged each other to work better; changed each other irrevocably. They meant the world to each other, yet couldn't be together, and it cut deeper than any other heartbreak he’d ever experienced.

But deep down, the prospect of losing Olivia **entirely** terrified him even more. She'd become an anchor in stormy weather - the Alex Munoz debacle, the passing of his _abuelita,_ the cases he genuinely thought were un-winnable. He’d stood by her through all the major obstacles in her life - Brian Cassidy, the William Lewis ordeal, her adoption of Noah - and not only because he secretly pined for her love; he knew he'd stuck around because he genuinely, genuinely cared for Olivia Benson.

The afternoon sun bathed them in a warm glow, and he took a second to take in her presence next to him - her thoughtful eyes, calming voice, wise face. The answer to his conflict suddenly became blindingly clear. Even if he couldn't love her romantically, he still wanted to be her friend, if that was even possible at all. He always told her to trust her gut, so why not take his own advice?

He didn’t want to walk away from this woman, no matter how much it pained him. Rafael watched Olivia’s eyes fill with a quiet resolve, and felt immensely grateful that she didn't want to walk away either. 

For a minute they basked in the wave of peace that suddenly washed over them, but she quickly yanked their conversation back to reality. "But what are we actually going to do now?" She stared at the remainder of her bagel and felt her appetite disappear. "How are we going to move on from this?"

Rafael sighed quietly and admitted, "I don't think we truly can move on, Liv. We just have to live with it and go on with our lives in the best way possible."

"So, we just bury what we feel about each other?" In both their minds, they knew that this was the only way forward if they wanted to end this and get on with their jobs. However, hearing Olivia _actually_ say it out loud gave the implications a crushing gravity. They’d get up from this park bench having completely erased the most earth-shattering two days of their relationship, soon to become an enormous gulf never to be addressed again.

"It looks like that's the only way now. I don't think either of us wants to throw away the jobs we love and the good work we do together for... this." He didn't have to wait for her to respond to know that she felt the same, but they absolutely had to be in this together, even if they never could talk about it. "I think we're going to have to set some ground rules, Liv."

"What are you thinking of?"

"We have to promise each other that this will _never_ happen again, Liv. We can't hang out or work alone at each other's apartments until the middle of the night anymore. We can't talk about this at work, ever. And we're going to have to do our best to be professionals and get our jobs done, because that's the only way our friendship could ever," he gulped, "go back to normal in the future."

It hurt to hear, but he was right. They had to set firm boundaries, or risk even their friendship being lost forever; sacrifices they were going to have to make, at least in the short-term when emotions still ran high. She'd miss laughing with him on her couch, case files scattered all over the floor; the nights he helped watch Noah while she cooked or worked on her laptop... but those were small things to give up to salvage whatever they could from the ruins of their relationship.

"I think that settles this..." Olivia felt a tiny weight had been lifted from her shoulders - tiny, but it nonetheless was _some_ progress. Their discussion hadn't devolved into another argument, and more importantly, she wasn't going to lose Rafael. She could hang on to that, at the very least, as they picked up the pieces together.

"Wait. Can I ask you just _one_ question about... you know?"

She nodded but half-suspected what came next, and her heart sank again when she heard it.

“Does Ed know about what happened?” He stumbled over the question like “Ed” was a forbidden word. _That’s only natural_ , she thought. Even she couldn’t bring herself to speak his name in front of him.

“No, he doesn't.” She quickly continued before he pressed for more details. “I'm not going to tell him. I can't break his heart. Especially not now." Olivia still didn't know if that was the best decision, but also wasn't about to unload that dilemma on the very person she'd cheated on Ed with...

He noticed the tears welling in her eyes. “Are you okay, Liv?”

Rafael wasn’t sure whether or not to expect a response - he didn’t know if it was his place to ask - but she did eventually. “Truth be told, it’s killing me. I can barely look at Ed without crying. I feel terrible.” She quickly caught herself, knowing that she'd launch into a long - and selfish - monologue if she elaborated any further, although she ached to talk to Rafael like before. The long list of taboo conversation topics they now had felt like a wall of glass had been built between them.

“I’m sorry, Liv.” He offered her a napkin, but didn’t know what else to say.

She dabbed her eyes and composed herself. "No, I should be the one who's sorry. I shouldn't be confiding in you about what’s going on between us - it's unfair to you."

As much he wanted to be a supportive friend like he’d been in the past, Rafael was silently grateful that Olivia had helped him dodge a massive emotional bullet. He really didn't want to listen to Olivia talk about Ed. He realised with a heavy heart that he simply couldn't be a friend to whom Olivia could bring her relationship issues - which maybe deflated the “friend" label slightly - but he was going to take whatever he could get _and_ also tolerate, lest he drag them into even deeper shit than they were already in.

 _Boundaries._ He repeated that word in his head. _We need boundaries. If we ever want things to go back to normal._ Hopefully they didn’t last forever, but he had no way of knowing, and would have to grit his teeth and persist.

Olivia wiped the last of her tears and looked at him with concern. "Enough about me. Are _you_ okay, Rafael?"

He honestly didn't know if he was okay, or when he'd feel okay again. However, if she wasn't going to bring her problems with Ed to him, he wasn't going to place a burden on her either. "I feel terrible about coming between you and Ed. But I'll find a way to cope. I always have." She eyed him skeptically, but he looked her right in the eyes and assured, "I'll take care of myself, Liv. I promise."

She must have believed him, because he watched her exhale softly and her worried frown morph into a soft, contented smile.

"And Liv, I just want you to know that I'm happy for you and Ed. Really. I want the best for you. And I'm happy enough to be in your life - as your friend. Whatever I say or do to you, I don't want to have an ulterior motive, you know?" 

Maybe he didn't fully believe it - yet. But he desperately wanted to, and he was going to make sure that he did, eventually. There wasn't any purpose in fighting it anymore.

Olivia looked visibly more at ease hearing that. "I’ve never doubted that about you, Rafael." 

That was the friendship they knew and loved - that mutual respect, that trust in each other. For the first time since they'd arrived in the park, they cracked genuine smiles. Maybe they’d be alright after all.

He glanced at his watch and winced in disappointment seeing how quickly time had flown. "I need to get back to the office soon, Liv. Meeting with Jack McCoy."

Suddenly, Olivia was conscious of the world around her yet again - the noisy park, cold metal bench, clacking of skateboard wheels against the ground. _Back to work. Back to fretting about this alone in my office._ She crumpled her bagel wrapper into a ball and tossed it into a nearby bin. "Back to reality for both of us, I guess."

"Liv, thank you for this."

"Thank _you_ for meeting me here, Rafael." It'd been a discussion that neither of them truly wanted to have, but both Rafael and Olivia were grateful that they'd had it - and that it'd gone surprisingly well.

He helped her up from the bench and they walked in the direction of 6th Avenue, suddenly acutely aware of how close they usually stood to each other when they walked. Years of coffee runs and strolls between the precinct and 60 Centre Street had desensitised them to it, but with the residual awkwardness hanging in the air, he stood half a step further from her, right arm suddenly feeling very exposed from the lack of contact. A small change, in the grander scheme of things, but nonetheless a quiet reminder of the magnitude of the situation. They wordlessly swallowed their disappointment.

They both had a lot of work to do.

Olivia decided to walk back to the precinct, while Rafael stopped at the corner of West 4th and 6th to call an Uber to take him back to the DA’s office. She turned to leave after a quick - and frankly unsatisfying - goodbye, but Rafael stopped her before she could walk away.

"I know this is a weird question and you don’t have to answer me right now, but Liv... are we okay?"

The exact same question from two different men, on two consecutive days. She didn't know her true answer to either, but looked in Rafael's green eyes and let the tiny sliver of hope that had planted itself in her heart during their conversation guide her response. 

"We are, Rafa." 

All they both wanted was to believe it.

* * *

Olivia wandered through the streets of Greenwich Village on her way to the precinct, lost in thought. Thankfully, it was a slower day at SVU and she could afford an extra half hour to herself - a much-needed half hour to think about how exactly this situation with Rafael was going to pan out, without incurring much suspicion from her eagle-eyed co-workers.

She still hadn’t decided if she was going to tell Ed about what had happened between her and Rafael. Both possibilities seemed equally dangerous: tell him, and she risked her heart being broken for the umpteenth time in weeks, knowing that she'd let down a man who loved her dearly. Not tell Ed, and she’d have to live with the secret indefinitely. Ed seemed like a sensible man, but finding out that she’d _cheated_ on him with one of her closest friends was the biggest possible violation of trust would shatter anyone's world, and she had no way of predicting how he’d react. Maybe it made more sense for her to carry that guilt on her own and not hurt Ed’s feelings, at the likely expense of her mental health, but both those options still made her head spin. 

And then there was Rafael. _Is working with him going to be easier said than done?_ It sounded plausible in theory, but the day-to-day realities probably would be ten times more difficult to handle. How was she going to explain their sudden coldness to her squad if they asked? Would their incredible working partnership - a constant and anchor in both their lives - survive this trial? What if, God forbid, he happened to drop by the precinct when Ed was there? The thought of facing both of them in the same room was terrifying. 

She desperately wanted to talk to someone about the enormous mess she was in. How she wished Noah was old enough to discuss matters of the heart with her. But who else could she turn to? Certainly not Rafael - he definitely had his own emotions to process, she could tell, and she wasn't going to add to that while this was still raw. It wouldn’t be fair to him at all.

Fin? She loved him like a brother, but she didn't know if bringing the issue into the squad room was a good option, especially given how much he despised dealing with IAB and Ed. Amanda was a no-no for the same reason. And she simply wasn't close enough to Sonny or Mike Dodds to go to them with issues as complicated - and sensitive - as this one. They didn’t strike her as being particularly judgmental, but _this_ was serious and she didn’t need people talking smack about her behind her back.

As she neared the precinct, Olivia suddenly remembered that there was one person who'd listen to what she had to say. She hadn't seen him in months, but fished her phone out of her pocket and looked for his number to leave him a message.

"Dr. Lindstrom? It's Olivia Benson. I know it's been a while since I last paid you a visit, but something new has cropped up in my life and I was hoping I'd be able to talk to you about it. Let me know when it's good for an appointment."

* * *

The meeting with Jack McCoy turned out to be a fairly useless one about the office's updated leave policy, and Rafael spent its duration tapping his gold pen against the desk and letting his mind wander back to his discussion with Olivia at the park. Knowing that they were alright took 10% of his anxiety away. But the other 90% - actually _being_ alright - ate away at his soul.

He returned to his office with the intention of brewing a fresh pot of coffee and stewing in his emotions for the afternoon, only to be hit with two last-minute, back-to-back, and intense meetings - he'd missed Carmen's texts about them while he was at the park. The young woman apologised profusely to him for the inconvenience, but he realised that he honestly didn't mind it. Work gave him a distraction from the enormity of the problems in his personal life. Thank goodness he wasn't needed at SVU to consult on a case - he'd probably combust from being in the same room as her. 

For the rest of the day, Rafael pored over the stacks of legal documents on his desk and was briefly transported back to a simpler time in his Brooklyn office: when he lived and breathed his cases and didn't have an Olivia Benson to think about. _Legal complexities are far more interesting than romantic ones_ , he'd told himself over and over again, as he turned down his Brooklyn colleagues' regular invitations to drinks in Williamsburg until the day he finally left. _I can work my way through this_. It'd worked for him then; why not now?

But perhaps it was too early to say that.

He opened his drawer to look for a pen refill and caught a glimpse of a squad photo, taken last Christmas at their annual precinct celebration. Everyone's happy smiles - his included - flooded his body with a fresh wave of restless anxiety. He flipped it face-down and slammed the drawer shut. A part of him still refused to believe that he'd actually _slept with Olivia Benson_ \- the one person he genuinely believed he'd be friends for life with. Squabbling at 85, right? Now he didn’t even know if he’d be able to stand attending the next Christmas party. 

Coffee wasn't doing it for him. Rafael retrieved his half-finished bottle of scotch from his hidden liquor cabinet and was about to pour himself a glass, but the taste of it on her breath filled his mouth. He grabbed a glass of water and quickly downed it, trying and failing to erase the sensation from his mouth. _Fuck_. He couldn't even drink scotch without thinking of her and what they'd done.

Carmen had long left for the day, and he stared down the long hallway of empty offices. Only his light was still turned on, and an unsettling silence had fallen over the usually-busy building. Unworried that someone would walk in on him, he collapsed onto his sofa, while attempting to forget that it was on this very sofa that he'd shared many an intimate conversation with Olivia, and let one of his empty glasses - the one that Olivia usually drank from - crash from the armrest to the floor, shards coming to rest right by her usual seat. Typically he'd write it off as an accident and order a replacement, but tonight he lingered over the broken fragments, cursing that it had to be _her_ glass (the only one without a single crack, that he saved for her) that had taken a tumble. He knelt down and angrily cleaned up the mess with his hands, shards cutting into his skin, but even the sight of his own blood didn’t faze him anymore. _Good riddance_ , he thought. 

He stood up and cast his eyes on his messy work desk. _Fuck. I’m a mess._ He dabbed his bleeding fingers with a napkin and got to work with a vengeful drive - files returned to their proper places, pens and books straightened to perfection, and leftover food wrappers (including an uneaten chocolate bar from Olivia from a week ago) tossed straight in the trash can. There was work he hadn't yet finished for the day, and he scrawled down a detailed to-do list for the first time in years. If he couldn't control this terrible situation, he could at least get his personal messes in order.

A pit of dread formed in his belly when he realised that the difficult conversation they'd had in the park that afternoon was only the first step in what looked to be a long road to any semblance of normalcy. It pained him to go back to his frankly unhealthy Brooklyn habits and social isolation, but it was the only thing he was certain of now. At least he was good at his job, and he could throw every ounce of energy he had into being a good prosecutor to keep his mind from racing.

He didn't even stop to remove his suit when he walked through the door of his apartment. Instead, he made a beeline for his bedroom and ripped the sheets, which still smelled of her perfume and he couldn’t bear to change the night before, off the bed and shoved him into a laundry bag. The unwashed scotch glasses from that night promptly went into the dishwasher. He swept, mopped and organised until his living space was as good as the day he moved in, and texted his cleaning service to let them know to skip his place this week. He bagged up his suits for pick-up by his dry-cleaning service and allowed himself to relish in the (limited) control he felt over his rapidly unravelling existence.

Finally, he crumpled into a heap on his fresh bed linen and tried his best to expunge thoughts of Olivia from his head. He was going to need a good night's sleep if he wanted to throw himself into work the next day.

_I have to keep my head down and focus. This will get better with time, won't it?_

He prayed that it would, because he didn’t want to face the consequences if it didn’t. Tomorrow would be Day 1 of what looked like a long, arduous road ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout-out to Black Seed Bagels, a real place that i loved when i was living in NYC! 
> 
> kudos and comments are deeply appreciated - thank you so much for them! <3


	4. Hurting Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia sees Dr. Lindstrom and decides how to deal with Ed, while Rafael turns to Rita.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to everyone who's read, left kudos or commented :') here's a long chapter to end 2020 before this fic gets juicier in the new year! 
> 
> this is still a Barson fic, first and foremost, but the road to that will be long and winding... (see the bottom of the chapter for more!)
> 
> a special shout-out and massive thank you to [@justabensonfanatic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/justabensonfanatic/pseuds/justabensonfanatic) for helping me with ideas for this chapter - you're the best! <3

Olivia had sat in this very leather chair and inhaled the lavender aroma that wafted through the room countless times, but never while talking about Rafael Barba. 

Dr. Lindstrom hurriedly took notes on his legal pad as the events of the last few weeks came tumbling out, his calm demeanour never wavering. The last time she'd seen him was when she and Ed were on the cusp of becoming a couple, and they'd agreed that she could return on an ad-hoc basis since she appeared to be doing well. It hadn't even been _that_ long, and here she was again, but her desperation to talk to a neutral third party easily trumped any shame or embarrassment. Miraculously, she'd managed to get a last-minute appointment that morning, and was grateful for the non-judgmental listening ear of the sagacious therapist.

"There’s a lot to go on.” She caught a glimpse of his full page of notes and cringed when she realised she’d been talking for fifteen whole minutes. As much as she now trusted Dr. Lindstrom, it still wasn’t like her to be this chatty at therapy. Clearly the recent events were troubling her deeply. “Where do you want to go from here?”

She pondered over that for a few seconds. “I don’t really know what to do next. I feel stuck. It's really upsetting me.”

“I guess I’m most curious to know - have you decided whether to tell Ed about what happened between you and Rafael? That seems to be the main cause of your current stress and anxiety.”

Her heart raced hearing him bring it up. "I'm really torn." She ran her fingers through her hair nervously. “I have a few ideas in mind, but it’s all a blur to me.”

"Would it help if we walked through various scenarios and options? That may give you some clarity." She nodded and he continued. "I think we can start by asking _yourself_ a few questions when we think about each option. What are _you_ hoping for? I know you care a lot about their feelings, but it’s a balancing act too, and there’s some room to consider what _you_ want or hope how this will go.”

"You have a point," she muttered. All night she’d tossed and turned thinking about how to navigate this emotional minefield, but hadn’t thought much about what _she_ wanted or how she wanted things to play out. There was only so much she could control, but the idea that things were somewhat in her hands was enticing.

"You were clear to me - and it seems, in your own head as well - that your entanglement with Rafael was a one-time incident. Suppose it stays that way and you _don't_ tell Ed about what happened. Can you see that working out? Do you have any fears about that?"

Olivia leaned back in her seat and gave it serious thought. She _could_ very well do that. Then she'd avoid breaking Ed's heart and could focus on making amends in her own way. It was like what she'd told Rafael at the park the day before: pretend the incident never happened. It seemed easy in theory, but in practice? She had no way of knowing if the guilt would eat away at her eventually. And having to see Rafael at work almost every day while keeping Ed in the dark would probably chip away at her resolve in no time. "It seems like the easier option for me right now, but... I don't think it's going to last. This doesn’t feel like the kind of thing I can keep in the dark.”

Dr. Lindstrom nodded along as she worked through her options. "How about the other scenario? Telling Ed about what happened? How does that sound to you?”

Hearing him say that out loud generated a new wave of anxiety in her. "Ed's going to be heartbroken," she blurted. "I still can't believe I betrayed someone I love so much. What was I thinking? What if he leaves..." her voice trailed off.

"Telling him doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to react badly. What's the best-case scenario?"

"My love life has been in shambles the last few years and Ed comes along and everything is _different_ , you know? I never thought I'd fall in love with him, but he's been nothing but good for me." She felt herself get emotional and grabbed a Kleenex in preparation for the inevitable tears. "I don't even know if this is still possible, but I want to be with Ed. I want to make it up to him. I can't lose him over one stupid night of wrongdoing." As the words tumbled out of her mouth, Olivia thought of the IAB captain’s blue eyes and gentle voice and her face turned beet red. Even if she didn’t confess her guilt to him, her body would give her up in no time. All this stress couldn’t possibly be good for her blood pressure.

"How about the converse - what if it doesn't go well? What do you fear?”

"I don't know how on earth I'm going to tell him... He's going to be so mad. He knows Rafael and I are friends, which makes this even worse. But... I can't lie. Lying doesn't work for me; you know that." Olivia took a gulp from her glass of water and stared at her hands, feeling some clarity wash over her. "And this isn't just about me anymore. Ed deserves to know. And he needs to decide what _he_ wants to do... about us," she gulped, "when he hears the truth. I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hid it from him forever."

"You know yourself well. Does that work with what you and Rafael agreed on when you talked yesterday?"

"It doesn't change a thing. We'll focus on work, and keep our distance. No one else can take responsibility for that for me."

"I'm just going to play devil's advocate here. Suppose things work out when you tell Ed and you two are able to work on repairing your relationship after that. Do you anticipate any further difficulties between you, Ed and Rafael?"

"I really hope not," she confessed. "I don't know if Ed's going to be okay with me and Rafael continuing to work together. And I still don't know how the situation will be with Rafael at work - we haven't had any meetings or cases to talk about these few days. I wish I could predict how things will go, but I’m thinking we'll have to make this up as we go along and pray for the best. That really worries me. What if something goes horribly wrong? Or I regret choosing to tell Ed down the road?”

"As hard as it is, we can't predict the future. More than one person is involved in this now, and you can't control how either of them is going to react. But you don't need absolute clarity now, Olivia. You've navigated difficult workplace situations and relationship issues in the past and emerged stronger - you _can_ adapt to whatever is thrown at you. Give yourself the space to work through things day by day. You can change things that don't work for you, be it with Rafael or Ed. You're in a tough spot now. Be kind to yourself, too."

He was right. As awful as the situation felt, it wasn’t static, and she didn’t have to know the answers right away. Her mistake wasn't going to disappear overnight, and she wasn't going to force herself to resolve it all immediately either.

The hour was up in no time and she stood up with leave with the most clarity she'd felt in days. Olivia paid a bomb to see Dr. Lindstrom and wisdom like this reminded her why she found herself back at his Upper West Side office. The cesspool of guilt she'd been wading in suddenly felt much more swimmable. She could fix this. She was in control of her next move.

As she put her jacket back on and headed out the door, Dr. Lindstrom put his legal pad down and cast a knowing glance at her. "I don't usually tell my clients what to do, but for what it's worth, Olivia, I'd have told you to come clean with Ed. You know what works for you, even if it seems like the more daunting option, and that's seen you through some of the most difficult times of your life. Trust your instincts."

His words echoing in her head, Olivia paused on the steps of the Natural History Museum a few blocks away and forced herself to compose the message to Ed. If she went back to her office, she'd find any excuse to stare at paperwork and put this off.

_Trust your instincts._

Her instincts told her that she had to rip the Band-Aid off here and now, before she combusted from guilt. Her fingers felt like they were made of lead typing the message she’d been putting off, but she finally squeezed her eyes shut and hit send.

_Hey Ed, are you free to grab lunch today? I was hoping we could talk._

_Sure. Forlini's? Is something wrong?_

She deliberated over the second question and her breath grew shallow. She almost wanted to back out; pretend like it was nothing. But all that would do was delay the inevitable.

_I'm not quite in the mood for Forlini's today. Can we go to the new bistro down the street instead?_

_Of course. Liv, are you okay?_

_I'll explain more when we get there._

She turned her phone off before he could reply and buried it in her jacket pocket. Step #1 was out of the way; now the _real_ challenge awaited her.

* * *

"Rafael? Hello? Earth to Rafael!"

Rafael snapped out of his reverie when he realised that Rita Calhoun was waving a napkin in front of his face. "You've been staring into space for thirty seconds. At my office, that's fifty dollars gone,” she quipped.

He straightened and adjusted his tie, too jumpy and flustered to bite back at her about her ludicrously high rates. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Sorry about that."

She quickly dropped her courtroom demeanour when she saw the worried expression on his face. "You don't look alright, Rafael. Do you want to talk about it?"

He stared into his half-eaten soup. "I'm fine, Rita. Really."

"You're drinking _soup_ and haven't spoken more than 100 words to me since we got here. I thought the whole point of our monthly catch-up sessions was to, you know, catch up?" She folded her arms on the table and leaned towards him, voice dropping to a concerned whisper. "Is this a work or personal problem?”

Rafael sighed. Nothing got past Rita, and she wouldn't take no for an answer. "It's a tough one. I did something horrible, Rita." The events of the past three days flashed through his head for the hundredth time that hour. _What was I thinking, sleeping with someone who has a committed partner?_ He'd never done something as reprehensible as coming between a couple, and now all he could was marinate in his guilt - guilt so strong that he wasn't even sure if his well-dressed friend of 25 years would look at him the same way if she found out.

Rita raised an eyebrow. "Horrible enough that you'll need me to defend you?" He shook his head. "Then it can't be _that_ bad. Is it something you want to talk about?"

Rafael stared at her in a stony silence - oh, how badly he ached to tell Rita and get things off his chest. Sure, she was part of the legal circuit and regularly rubbed shoulders with people at both his and Olivia's workplaces, but she also was fiercely loyal and knew better than anyone how to separate workplace drama from her personal life. He really did feel terrible for being a lousy conversation partner, especially when he and Rita were often too busy to meet regularly. When she offered to meet him for lunch, he agreed almost immediately, needing a distraction from everything that was happening; she was his oldest friend, and definitely would have sound advice to impart. _There's really no harm in telling her_ , he realised, and opened his mouth to let the emotional turmoil of the last 72 hours spill out. She looked at him expectantly, only for him to catch himself at the last second.

_No way._

How could he possibly have forgotten that Rita once dated Ed Tucker, the man behind all his internal strife? He didn't know much about Ed and Rita's relationship, other than that it lasted half a year when she still worked at the Manhattan DA's office. Rafael was based in Brooklyn then, and hadn’t probed much - she’d always been notoriously private about her dating life, even with her closest friends, and he'd respected that boundary. Today, however, he wished that he knew more about the enigmatic IAB captain - any crumb of information that would help him make sense of it all. But how was he going to bring Ed up with Rita without opening a can of worms? He tapped his fingers against the handle of his coffee cup, deep in thought.

"It's nothing, really," he muttered after a long pause, trying his best to sound nonchalant. "I’m sure you’ve heard about it, but the Catholic church sex trafficking case was a mess. I had to tell 1PP that Olivia and Ed Tucker were involved, and I feel bad about that."

Rita flinched hearing the name of her former flame, but did a remarkable job keeping her cool. " _That’s_ the horrible thing you said you did? Duty called. Why do you feel bad for doing your job? You were going to put yourself at risk not disclosing it.”

"I don't really know," he lied. "Maybe because I got Olivia transferred to Community Affairs, which she obviously hated. And I basically accused her boyfriend of being a sex trafficker." _Lying by omission._ That was new to him and Rita's friendship, and he hated it, but it'd suffice until he found the right words and moment to tell her what had _really_ happened.

Rita obviously wasn't satisfied with his response, but also was perceptive enough to realise that nothing would make Rafael spill any further. "You did your job and it doesn't reflect badly on you in any way. This isn’t worth losing sleep over.”

"I'm worried about this driving a wedge between Olivia and me when we work on future cases." That was indeed true. He knew that their relationship at work wasn’t going to be the same, despite their long talk in the park about restoring normalcy. They didn't have an active case to work on and hadn't yet tested the waters.

She took a swig of her coffee and chose her words carefully. “Well... if I'm being honest, I think the wedge has already been driven. It was going to be an awkward situation for both of you regardless, and you can't change that now. But you've lasted 21 years in the DA's office, which even I couldn't do, because you've always trusted your instincts and held firm to your principles. Just do your job and you'll be fine."

"A _compliment_ from Rita Calhoun? Wow, today is my lucky day," he smirked. "Seriously, though, thank you for that. I needed it."

"Look, Rafael, I don't know the specifics of what happened, but take this from me. It's not worth compromising your integrity or job for anyone. Not even Olivia Benson. You did the right thing." She shot him a knowing glance, but it disappeared before he could probe further. "I'm always in your corner. Remember that."

 _It's not worth compromising your integrity or job for anyone._ Was she talking about her history with Ed Tucker? He had no way of knowing, but brushed those thoughts aside and focussed on the situation at hand. "Thanks, Rita."

Rafael pulled out his credit card and attempted to get the check, but Rita waved his hand away. "I think you needed it today. And Raf," she added, tone serious and grave yet again, "promise me that you'll talk to someone, if not me, if you have something on your mind. We both know how our first year of law school ended."

"I will." Rita had a point. His world had imploded that year when he returned to the city for the summer break to find that Yelina had gotten together with Alex Muñoz in his absence. He'd spent most of his summer wallowing in self-pity and refusing to confide in _anyone_ , and ended up completely blowing a prestigious and hard-earned corporate law internship. Everything worked out in the end - he didn't need a corporate law position or that internship because he chose to go into the public sector - but he spent most of his working life trying to suppress memories of that terrible summer of betrayal, and for the most part, it'd worked.

 _Shit._ That was why he felt so guilty about getting between Olivia and Ed! He couldn't believe that he hadn't put two and two together earlier, but his emotions had a way of preventing him from seeing things clearly. He'd once been in Ed's position. _At least it was just once and not a full-blown affair_ , he tried to reason with himself, but that seemed like a pathetic, half-hearted excuse for the reprehensible act he'd already committed. As much as he loved Olivia, he _never_ wanted to pull an Alex and shatter someone else's heart. One time was one time too many. But he wasn’t ready to tell Rita just yet. 

Rafael trailed his friend and her Louboutins out of Forlini's and trudged back down the street towards 1 Hogan Place, where a hectic afternoon of work awaited him. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Ed Tucker hurriedly making his way into the new bistro a few doors away, and stopped dead in his tracks. He couldn't read his facial expression - Ed had perfected his poker face working with IAB - but a new bistro so far from his office in the middle of the day? There was only one person he could possibly be meeting. Rafael's stomach churned thinking about it, and he wanted to get as far away as possible before he let his train of thought spiral wildly out of control, but curiosity got the better of him. He waited until Ed entered the bistro and peered through the window from the street corner, careful not to be spotted.

Sure enough, Rafael caught a glimpse of a distressed-looking Olivia sitting in a corner booth, hands fidgeting nervously with her glass of water and staring at her half-eaten salad. She _never_ ate salad. Something was bothering her, and looking between her and Ed, he had a feeling that he knew exactly what it was.

* * *

Olivia wondered if meeting Ed at this new bistro was a mistake. The 80s music was slightly too loud, staff too cheerful, and she'd accidentally poured half a bottle of balsamic vinegar on her overpriced tuna salad - her stomach felt like it was about to digest itself. But there was no good place to break the news to him. Forlini's was too familiar and she couldn't taint the place for both of them, a park too public for news of this proportion, and either of their apartments too personal. She shrank into the vinyl seat of the corner booth she asked for and nervously sipped from her glass of water - if she weren't meant to be back at work in a couple of hours, she'd be downing a shot of tequila for liquid courage instead. 

She looked out the window and her stomach churned again when she saw Ed approach from across the street. It was too late for her to cancel. _Time to break his heart_ , she muttered to herself.

"Hi, Liv." He looked like he wanted to give her a kiss, but saw the exhaustion and sadness in her eyes and hastily slid into the seat opposite her instead. "What's up?"

He looked so calm, so collected, and she was going to destroy that in a matter of minutes. "I think you should order your food before we talk," she replied, voice already starting to crack. She couldn't cry. Not now.

"... Okay?" He gave the menu the cursory glance and ordered the first thing he saw - a club sandwich - and stared at his girlfriend. She looked absolutely downtrodden and like she'd been crying, hands folded on her lap but shaking ever-so-slightly. "Liv, I was so worried all morning. What's wrong? Is it something about work?"

Olivia shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut. She took a giant breath and forced words out of her mouth. "Ed, I have something to tell you. I am so, so sorry." She blinked rapidly and tried to prevent the tears from flowing to no avail - they streamed down her cheeks, visibly alarming Ed. It wasn't like Olivia to cry, even on the worst days of her life, and his heart sank. She hadn’t even cried after the incident in the townhouse a few months back. "You're going to hate me for this, I know."

Ed didn't know what to say. He'd been there barely three minutes and Olivia was already leaking tears all over her sweater. Whatever had happened, it had to be _seismic -_ enough to reduce the steely lieutenant to tears **in public**. He reached across the table for her hand with a concerned look on his face, but she pulled away and slumped in her seat. "Liv, please talk to me. Did someone hurt you?" He did his best to mask the sense of urgency in his voice; the last thing they needed was for him to get angry and add fuel to what already looked like a rapidly devolving situation. _I swear to God, if someone tried to hurt Olivia, I will kill them myself_.

"It's about us," she stammered, too fearful to look directly in his eyes. "I have to be honest with you. Ed, I..."

He hid the panic that was creeping into his chest. _She's going to end things between us._ "Liv, if this is about what happened at the bar that night, I'm so sorry..."

"No, it's not." She stopped him before he could go any further and he quickly complied. "This is on me." Her entire body was buzzing with anxiety. She loved this man so, _so_ much - the last thing she wanted to do was break his heart. But it was too late to go back and undo that. The next best thing she could do was come clean with him, as much as she despised the words that were going to come out of her mouth.

"Ed, that night after the bar... I messed up so bad," she stumbled over her words. "I did something I never should have done." She watched his face fall. _He knows. I'm going to shatter his world_. Her quiet tears escalated to full-blown sobs so fevered that she could barely get a word in. "I was so angry, I went to Rafael's place to confront him about what happened during the investigation, and things got heated, and... I slept... with... Rafael..." she choked out.

The concern on Ed's face rapidly disappeared and an array of emotions flashed in his eyes: confusion, anger, sadness, _hurt_ . Here he was, sitting across from a sobbing, completely undone Olivia Benson, which made him want to take her in his arms, while her admission of betrayal rang in his ears and pierced his heart. _She slept with Rafael._ Rafael Barba! Ed thought he and Olivia were on the mend after the Catholic church debacle. Sure, she'd been moodier and more on edge than usual, but anyone would feel that way after being transferred to Community Affairs _and_ watching her boyfriend undergo an investigation for a horrific crime... but _cheating on him_ ? Ed's heart was in pieces. Of all the people he’d ever dated, Olivia was the least likely to be unfaithful, and just _considering_ that possibility was stomach-turning. Now it was real, and very painful.

He folded his arms and leaned back in his seat, cheerful opening bars of _Take On Me_ taunting them both. Neither of them looked directly at each other for a full minute. She stole the occasional glance at him between frantically wiping her river of tears and belaboured sobs. She honestly couldn't remember the last time she'd cried like this, and seeing the pain in Ed's eyes wasn't making this any easier. There was nothing else on his face. Instead he sat there without a word, silently processing the freight truck of emotion she'd rammed into him.

"Am I not enough for you, Liv?" he finally managed, blue eyes still not meeting hers.

She panicked hearing the vulnerability in his voice - he'd never sounded this downtrodden before. “Not at all, Ed. I want to make it up to you. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much and I made a huge mistake. This will _never_ happen again, I promise." She looked at him with imploring eyes and tried and failed to read his facial expression. Was there even a chance that Ed would want to take her back after this? All the hope she'd told herself to hold onto disappeared. If this was the end, she'd have to accept it.

For a split-second Ed desperately wanted to take his distressed girlfriend into his arms, wipe her tears and tell her how much he loved her too, but the raw pain of her betrayal suppressed his protective instincts. What was he even supposed to feel? He absolutely hated seeing Olivia so broken, so hysterical, but that wasn't enough to stop the hot anger bubbling in his stomach. They'd been through so much in the last few weeks alone, and now _this_.

"I need to go," he said quietly. He left a twenty-dollar bill on the table and stormed off without another word, club sandwich uneaten and coffee untouched. Olivia's tear-filled eyes followed him out of the bistro, but her body made no motion to trail him. His silence said it all. There was nothing she could say to make the situation better. A fresh wave of tears formed in her eyes and she nervously wiped them with the sleeve of her blouse. Ed hadn't made a scene, for which she was grateful, but where did that leave them? Maybe she _did_ want him to shout at her, tell her that she was a bitch, and end things right there. At least she'd know for sure.

 _Had a bad salad at lunch. Going to take the rest of the day off. Text if anything urgent crops up,_ she typed emotionlessly to Fin. She couldn't possibly get any work done in this state. Instead, she choked out a final sob and called an Uber to take her home.

 _I'm sorry, Ed. Please talk to me. I love you_.

She stared at her phone for a reply that never came. He probably wanted nothing to do with her, but she could still hope.

* * *

Ed Tucker stormed down Baxter Street, hands balled into fists and stuffed into the pockets of his jacket. He passed a Homicide detective he used to know, but didn't stop to say hello - he was in no mood for pleasantries. He wandered with no destination or goal, feet leading him around the neighbourhood in a blind rage.

His stomach rumbled with hunger - he'd left the bistro without touching his club sandwich - but he wasn't about to turn back and stare into Olivia's tear-stained eyes for a second longer. He'd simply break seeing her so broken, and he couldn't do that. Not until he figured out how on earth to make sense of the situation at hand. He'd genuinely thought that his relationship with Olivia was going swimmingly; even though the scandal had stressed them both out, she spent the period of the investigation fiercely advocating for his character and integrity. Even the argument at the bar that fateful night felt like a temporary and minor snare in their rock-solid relationship. _Did I miss the signs? What did I do wrong?_ All his years of IAB training and questioning twisted cops hadn't prepared him for a betrayal of so deeply personal.

She'd cheated on him with Rafael Barba, of all people. Ed long had immense respect for the ADA's quick wit and unflappable demeanour, and was even beginning to see him as an acquaintance and not just a face he recognised. Rafael clearly was a close friend of Olivia's, and Ed didn't fancy himself the jealous type - he'd never ask Olivia to distance herself from Rafael, even if their friendship was _a little_ too close for comfort at times. Was he going to have to do that now? 1 Hogan Place was three minutes away on foot. He could easily barge in, look for Rafael Barba's office and give him a piece of his mind. He had a million questions for the ADA. Who'd initiated that encounter? Had he secretly been pining for Olivia all this time? Why else did he go straight to 1PP with details of his and Olivia's relationship? _Barba is jealous._ _It's the only logical explanation_ , he thought. He needed to get to the bottom of it, like he always did.

Ed came to an abrupt stop outside the brass doors of the DA's office and watched people file in and out. There was nothing stopping him from flashing his badge and heading upstairs - the investigation had officially concluded and he could see - and shout at - Rafael Barba in a personal capacity.

He hesitated only because of Olivia. Her tearful confession rang in his ears.

_I want to make it up to you, Ed. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much and I made a huge mistake. This will never happen again, I promise._

He had no reason to doubt her - the sobs, her imploring tone. She'd _chosen_ to come clean, although it'd taken so long for her to bare her insecurities to him, knowing that IAB had trained him to sniff them out and pounce on them like a hawk. If he stormed into Barba's office, guns blazing, he'd undo all that trust they'd worked so hard to build. He couldn't be the tough, no-nonsense captain with a vengeance that would only scare Olivia away even more. She wanted to make amends, and the ball was in his court now. It was up to him to show some grace to the woman he still loved, and he _needed_ her to know that he had forgiveness and magnanimity in his heart.

As much as it pained him, Ed turned away from 1 Hogan Place. Olivia was far too important to him to give up in a fit of petty rage. But he wasn't ready to talk to her just yet. He hailed a cab and stared out the window at the downtown Manhattan skyline, deep in thought.

* * *

The setting sun blanketed Olivia's apartment in darkness, but she made no move to switch the living room light on. Lucy had brought Noah to Amanda's apartment for Sonny’s signature spaghetti and a playdate after finding out that Olivia was having stomach issues (it technically wasn't a lie; she'd thrown up that balsamic vinegar-covered tuna salad the instant she got home), and Olivia sat alone on her couch, glass of wine in hand and eyes staring into space. Nothing on TV interested her and she couldn't even bear to look at her phone, as anxious as she was to hear from Ed. He'd stormed out of the bistro in such a rage that she genuinely feared it'd be the last she ever saw of him, unless she or someone in her squad got into trouble again. Their brushes with IAB, as terrible as they all were, were the reason Olivia grew to know and eventually love Ed in the first place, and she almost _wished_ that someone would do something reckless just so she'd be sure she would see him again.

For years she'd despised Ed, especially when memories of the Clyde Vandyne incident popped into her head - she’d been framed for murder, for God’s sake!. However, she'd come to appreciate him as a person and friend in recent years: as much as she bristled at the mention of IAB, his tough-as-nails exterior hid a sensitive, caring and gentle man, especially when he worked extra hard to separate the job from their dating life and make Olivia comfortable. They'd grown so trusting as a couple that she now couldn't imagine a life without him. And she'd thrown it away for one night of passion. The feelings she had for Rafael - as intense and heated as they seemed that fateful night - suddenly seemed to pale in comparison to the depth of love she felt for Ed and his comforting arms. Ed wasn't the most physically attractive man and he certainly wasn't suave and refined as Rafael, but he made her feel _safe_ , and she trusted him with her life, which said a lot, after her long history of failed relationships and trust issues _. I’ve really screwed up, haven’t I?_

The doorbell rang as a fresh tear fell down her cheek. She peered through the peephole and gasped seeing Ed standing on the other side, a take-out bag in hand. "Liv?" she heard him ask, voice gentle and understanding. "Can I come in, please?" She opened the door and almost sobbed seeing him stand there calmly, a far cry from the angry Ed of a few hours ago. He made himself comfortable on the couch and unboxed the take-out bag. "I called the precinct and you weren’t there so I thought I’d come by. Sweet and sour chicken with fried rice for you. I didn't think that salad you had at lunch would fill you up." She accepted the food skeptically, unsure what intentions Ed had, but it looked like he wasn't angry anymore. That was a promising start. 

For a few minutes they slowly chewed on their food, a tense and expectant silence hanging over Olivia's living room. He moved to turn the TV on but she shook her head. "Where's Noah?" he asked when he realised that the rest of the apartment was empty.

"At Amanda's place," she whispered back, unsure whether to trust her own voice. "If... you've come here to say goodbye, Ed, I understand."

He put his box of food down and took her hands in his. "Liv... oh, Liv. I was so angry and hurt when I left the bistro this afternoon." The same hurt she'd seen earlier flashed through his eyes, and she resisted the urge to look away. However, he squeezed her hands and leaned in closer. "But I thought about it, and... I don't want things between us to end just like this."

Hope creeped into Olivia's chest. "I know you feel bad and that it won't happen again. I hate seeing you cry, Liv." He ran a hand through her hair, in just the way she liked when she fell asleep next to him. Her body filled with warmth.

She finally let out the sob of relief she'd been suppressing since he started talking. "I'm so, so sorry, Ed. I never wanted to hurt you like that. I was stupid and never should have let that happen and..." 

He placed a finger to her lips, silencing her. "Shhhh. What's happened is in the past, Liv. All that matters now is that we move on from this. Together." He planted a comforting kiss on her forehead. "I'm not going to ask you to cut Rafael off or stop working with him. I know it's not going to be easy, but I trust you. We're going to get through this together, okay?"

Olivia almost couldn't believe what she was hearing. She'd messed up epically, and Ed Tucker was on _her_ couch, having brought _her_ dinner, and telling her that he _still_ loved her although she'd been an asshole. Why had she ever hated him so much? She didn't deserve someone as loyal and forgiving as him. The weight of what she'd done disappeared from her shoulders almost immediately. "I love you so much, Ed. I'm not going to let you down."

He responded by taking her into his arms, like he'd done the night after the incident. This time, she gratefully sank into them, letting him envelope her with comfort and warmth. This felt _right_. All the lust and heat of her mistake had little on the quiet but profoundly comforting intimacy she now enjoyed with Ed. "What do you want to do tonight?" he asked.

"Can we just sit here for a bit? Please?"

"Of course, Liv. But can we at least turn the lamp on?" He squinted at her in the darkness.

She laughed softly for the first time in what felt like an eternity and reached over to turn it on. This was the life she desperately wanted to go back to, and she was going to relish any happy moments she could. Soft white light mingled with the golden rays and gentle breeze streaming through the partially-open window, and she sighed contentedly feeling his warm chest and cashmere sweater against her back.

 _This feels right_.

It'd been a hellish week, but it finally felt like some order had been restored. She'd worry about going back to work and facing Rafael and all its horrors tomorrow. For now, she was going to let herself enjoy being in the arms of the man she loved.

_I hope this lasts._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter ties back into some particularly memorable canon events (end of S17 - episodes 21-23, in particular) - things are going to heat up!
> 
> i’m typically not one for spoilers, but i thought i’d add a quick note here. i see all the comments about this story being stressful and/or anxiety-inducing to read, but hope you'll stick with me! it's going to be a long and bumpy ride, especially with all the complexities of cheating, but i promise that there *will* be a happy ending after all these twists and turns (i've updated the tags to reflect this).
> 
> i also get the sense that Ed Tucker is an unpopular character - i didn't like him that much on the show, believe me, but for the purposes of this fic, he's not that bad a guy (because where's the drama in that?). this is first and foremost a Barson fic, though, and you have my word that the happy ending will be a Barson one - hang in there! <3 thank you so much for reading this - i've really been enjoying writing it, and can't wait to shake things up even more from the next chapter onwards!


	5. Troublesome Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cracks start showing up in Olivia's relationship with Ed, while the Munson case and mysterious threats put both her and Rafael on edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter follows the events of 17x19 to (part of) 17x23, with some dialogue and scenes borrowed from the show. i'm adhering largely to canon re: the Heredio threats - i think Liv and Rafa were still smoothing over the residual tension from Manhattan Transfer/Unholiest Alliance and hence weren't very close at this point, so i've worked that into my fic (for anyone wondering why they're aren't being more forthcoming with each other). 
> 
> here's another big chapter to end off 2020! thank you again to everyone who's checked out this fic. i'm floored by the response to it - your passionate comments are powerful writing fuel! i sincerely apologise to anyone i'm stressing out with this story, and hope you'll bear with me as this plays out. 
> 
> wishing everyone a safe and happy new year! ❤️

Olivia looked up from her paperwork and was taken aback to see her boyfriend standing in the doorway. "Ed? What are you doing here?"

"It's 7pm. I thought we could grab some food to bring home to Noah," he beamed.

She tidied up her desk and grabbed her coat and bag to leave. "You could have texted, you know - you really didn't have to head across town to find me."

"I wasn't going to make you wait for me on a random street corner. How was work today?"

"It was alright. Carisi's going undercover at a homeless shelter and we've been here _all_ day making sure everything is in order."

She pretended not to notice his relief upon hearing that she'd been at the precinct all day. _It makes sense. No reasonable man would want his girlfriend hanging out around the person she'd cheated on him with._ "How about you?"

"Same old stuff." He typically wasn't effusive about his work to avoid stepping on Olivia's toes, and the recent events had made him even more cautious than before.

It was time to change the subject. "I just want to beach myself on my couch. My back is killing me." She groaned and stretched her sore muscles.

He grabbed her bag from her shoulder before she could protest. "How does a back rub sound?"

She eyed him skeptically. "A massage, from _you_? What's gotten into you?" she teased, although it was more than just gentle teasing. They'd enjoyed a lovely meal at Buvette over the weekend, even though Ed definitely would choose dollar pizza over French cuisine any day, then he'd offered to get Noah ready for school the previous morning so she could get an extra hour of sleep, and now he was showing up at the precinct _and_ offering a back rub? He was being far more romantic than usual, and it didn't take a genius to figure out why.

"I can spoil my girlfriend once in a while." His tone was casual, but he placed his hand on the small of her back and she instantly knew he was being serious.

The evening went even more splendidly than Olivia had expected. After a hearty dinner of Italian take-out, they'd put Noah to bed and he fulfilled his promise of a back massage, HBO playing in the background. From crying in the bistro just a couple of weeks ago to a picture of domestic bliss - Olivia almost couldn't believe she could enjoy this. From Ed Tucker, of all people! This man continued to surprise her. He left very reluctantly a few hours later, after an especially long hug and goodnight kiss, which made her skin tingle - something she hadn't felt in a while.

The giddy feeling gradually died down as she prepared for bed. Olivia mulled over the events of the past week. She wasn't sure she was _that_ pleased with Ed's very spirited attempts to overcompensate for their recent rift, but he was trying, and she wasn't going to make him feel any more rejected than he probably already felt. As much as she was enjoying Ed's increased affection, something about it still made her uncomfortable - whether from guilt, or discomfort, she wasn't entirely sure, but she hoped it was just a phase, and that she and Ed could eventually work on building a more normal "new normal", whatever that might look like.

* * *

"Right on time," Fin muttered to Amanda as he watched Ed Tucker emerge from the precinct elevator.

"Again?" she asked, barely resisting an eye roll.

"What are you complaining about? Means we can head home," he smirked.

"You wish," she retorted.

Sure enough, Ed made a beeline for Olivia's office, like he always did, nodding at the detectives in the squad room on the way. A few minutes later, Amanda and Fin watched as they walked back out the main doors, laughing softly at something she'd said.

Amanda waited until they'd left before leaning towards Fin to continue their conversation. "Don't you think this is a little weird? All the time I've been here Liv's been such a workaholic, and the last few weeks she happily leaves with Tucker before sunset? And let's not even get started on the fact that he's here _all_ the damn time now, after she got back from Community Affairs."

"Are you sure you aren't just annoyed that you have to see Tucker's face three times a week now?" he joked.

"Three times too many," she groaned. "And it seems like she's still holding it against Barba. She's been so cold to him lately."

"Hey, I know you don't like Tucker - and you know I don't either - but he's good for Liv. She looks happy, and that's all I care about. And whatever she has going on with Barba, they'll get it sorted, like they always do."

Amanda couldn't suppress an exasperated sigh. "I get you, and I want Liv to be happy too, but, this is _weird_ , Fin. They've been so close lately... I can't possibly be the only one who thinks that Tucker is being awfully clingy. I swear - Liv sometimes looks like she's over it too." She couldn't help but stare at her boss and Tucker as they walked out of the precinct earlier, and could have sworn that she caught Olivia's grimace at the IAB captain - very fleeting, but nonetheless, a grimace.

"Trust me, Amanda, you're not the only one who's noticed that Tucker's been showing up here a lot. But unless Liv says something to us, we should stay out of it. Come on, there's a bright side to this - we can finish up and head home soon."

She nodded begrudgingly and accepted that Fin was right. He'd known Olivia much longer, and even if she _did_ ask her about how things were going with Tucker, it would take an awful amount of probing to get anything juicy from the lieutenant. But the flowers, take-out lunches, and almost-daily visits to the precinct spoke volumes. Ed Tucker definitely was not a romantic, and seeing him smile so warmly at Olivia almost made her spine crawl. _Something_ in their relationship had changed as of late, and she wasn't sure it was just the fall-out of the Catholic church investigation. She wondered if Olivia was alright with all of this.

"Come on, Amanda, let's grab a drink and go home." Fin's jacket was already on. Her nagging suspicion wasn't going away that easily, but she could put it aside for the time being and enjoy a beer with Fin. Anyway, she'd have plenty of opportunities to ruminate on this further when Tucker inevitably showed up _again_ the next evening.

* * *

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Ed." Olivia looked apologetically at the man sitting on her office couch. "This case is driving me up the wall." She'd been poring over clips from the nauseatingly sweet _Heart's Desire_ all day, aided slightly by Amanda's shockingly in-depth knowledge of the reality show, and Ed been waiting nearly an hour.

"A few days ago we were sitting in Forlini's complaining about this show, and now you're investigating it. Maybe we jinxed it," he laughed, which eased the tension slightly.

"Trust me, it gets worse. Jeffrey and Regina Prince are class-A assholes. But enough about that. What's up for tonight?"

"It's getting late; how about we head home, read Noah a story? Any supper you're in the mood for?"

Olivia just wanted _him_ to decide for her. He'd made a habit of seeking her approval over even the most minute decisions, and it was starting to grate on her. For about a fortnight it was sweet; now it was too much and she didn't know how to tell him to stop, especially when it was clear that he was just trying to mend their relationship. "Thai sounds good," she muttered without much thought. Anything to get that _very_ minute decision out of the way.

"We can order in, have it ready by the time we get to your place."

"Sounds romantic." She almost cringed saying that - was it just her tired brain parroting canned dialogue from the stupid reality show they were investigating? But she didn't have much energy - or willpower - to come up with something more authentic.

Ed moved a step closer to her, as though he was about to take her hands in his, but the office door flew open and he pulled away seeing Sonny in the doorway. _Thank God_ , she thought. "Hey Lu... sorry, didn't mean to interrupt, but you’ve got to see this."

She put her "work face" back on immediately and followed Sonny back into the squad room, with Ed trailing closely behind them. A new episode of _Heart's Desire_ was already playing on the TV and they gathered around to watch it while Ed observed from a corner. As impatient as he looked to leave the precinct and take her home, at least he was respectful enough not to get in the way.

 _What the hell?_ she thought, when she realised that the Princes had constructed their own "exposé", complete with secretly-taped footage of them interspersed with the typical melodramatic reality show confessionals. She was _not_ interested in becoming a reality TV star, whether by her own making or not.

Rafael followed the sound of schmaltzy reality show music into the squad room. He'd been on the way home in an Uber, but immediately asked the driver to turn back to the precinct when Fin texted him saying to turn the TV on immediately. Everyone was engrossed in watching the broadcast, but he was momentarily distracted by the sight of Ed Tucker standing in a corner, looking on, probably waiting for Olivia to get off work.

 _Shit,_ he muttered under his breath. They'd managed to restore some normalcy while working on the House of Gilbert case together, and it seemed like their keep-our-distance-and-focus-on-work arrangement was working promisingly. A few times he'd arrived at the precinct after sundown to follow up on a new lead with the squad, only to learn from Fin that Olivia had left with Ed. It seemed like they were working on their relationship, and he felt happy for her. But here he was, standing within metres of _both_ Olivia and Ed Tucker - the first time he’d crossed paths with the IAB captain since the investigation - and even the well-timed distraction of what looked like a very juicy episode of _Heart's Desire_ didn't do much to calm his racing heart.

 _Okay, Rafael, play it cool._ He passed Ed as he walked by and instinctively greeted him with a quick nod and brief touch to the back. He could have sworn that Ed's eyes burned with hatred for just a split-second, but all he responded with was a polite, reciprocal nod, and Rafael quickly turned his attention to the TV screen and rest of the squad. "Hey. What'd I miss?"

"Melanie's a liar and NYPD screwed up," Fin said dryly.

"Yeah, I can't wait to see who the heroes are,” Olivia added.

Rafael couldn't believe that his mother was addicted to this heaping trash pile of a TV show. This was network ratings trap _Heart's Desire_ , for God's sake, not a thoughtful Netflix true-crime documentary. "They filmed us?!" he said incredulously when he saw himself on the screen, standing behind the same table they now were standing around. The same table next to which he was now standing very close to Olivia Benson. He hadn't even given it a second thought. Suddenly, he imagined Ed's eyes boring into his soul from behind them, and regretted not thinking this over. Sitting or standing next to Olivia in the precinct came so naturally to him, but with Ed around, he couldn't do what was "natural" any more.

Olivia must have felt the same, he realised quickly, because she moved away from him to stand next to Ed, almost on cue. He resisted the urge to turn around and sneak a glance at them, sat down next to Fin instead, and directed his attention to the screen, where the Princes were busy making him and the squad look like incompetent fools. It wasn't infrequent that he received harsh criticism, but he'd chosen to focus on work with the precise goal of redirecting his attention away from his personal problems, and now _that_ was under attack too.

"Turn it off." The show finally cut to commercial and everyone heaved a sigh of relief.

"What now?" Carisi asked.

"It's late. Let's sleep on this and talk to Melanie and the Princes first thing tomorrow. Go home, everyone."

Rafael watched Ed and Olivia head back into her office while he waited for the elevator. He'd survived being in the same room as both of them for the first time since the debacle, and hadn't combusted from anxiety right in front of them. He had no desire to ruin his working life to indulge in his residual guilt and annoyance. Keeping himself together and getting used to Ed's presence in the precinct was the wisest short-term decision he could make for them both. Today was a small victory, and he was sure Olivia was thinking about the exact same thing he was.

Anyway, there wasn't time to ponder this when everyone wanted to nail the Princes as soon as possible. Rafael's romantic and personal lives could take a backseat until they undid the professional damage of being smeared on national television. Judging from his rapidly buzzing phone, Lucia Barba had tuned in and definitely had a few choice words about her son's unexpected appearance on her favourite reality show.

* * *

_Can you come to the courthouse today please? Grand jury is delivering the Munson indictment and I’d really appreciate back-up._

Rafael texting Olivia directly was increasingly rare - he tried to go through Fin, Sonny or Amanda whenever he could nowadays - so Olivia knew that this was serious. The Gary Munson case was threatening to erupt into a media circus and full-blown war against the CO union, and Rafael had a target on his back. Without giving it a second thought, she grabbed her jacket and keys and had Mike drive them to 60 Centre Street. In the hallway, she found an agitated Rafael pacing up and down, eyes glued to his phone.

“Thank you for coming,” he whispered, eyes shifting between her and Dodds and the mob of furious CO union reps waiting at the other end of the corridor. “My gut is when the grand jury gets back from lunch, they'll return a bill of indictment on multiple counts of rape and sodomy of both Charisse and Leanne.” Rafael tried to keep his tone calm and voice steady, but his nervous body language spoke otherwise. “When the indictment does come down, I'll need you to walk me out of here."

Olivia could feel the union reps’ angry glares boring a hole into Rafael as he walked away, and felt some of the cool rationality she’d promised herself she would maintain melt away. Hot rage bubbled in her stomach - how _dare_ they insinuate that Rafael was on a mission to spite Munson and the union, when all he was doing was put a serial rapist away. She and Mike positioned themselves right outside the door where the proceedings were taking place, and her hands balled into fists in the pockets of her jacket. It was going to be a very infuriating wait ahead.

"Lieutenant, are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Dodds. Just a little concerned about the media circus that I'm sure will be outside. We'll probably have to push our way through it. Keep a close eye on Barba."

She was proven right an hour later when they emerged from the building and were swarmed by a herd of reporters, and angry - no, _furious_ \- union reps. Olivia and Mike instinctively positioned themselves closer to Rafael, who flinched when he heard them taunt him. "You want a war, Barba? You got it." If they weren't surrounded by cameras, Olivia and Rafael could have sworn that they were going to kill him, right then and there. Rafael's cases often attracted media attention, but this felt even more tense than usual.

"Hold on, guys. Guys. There's really no need to do this." Olivia's blood boiled for Rafael, but she stood her ground and demanded they step back to let them through. "Everyone's just trying to do their jobs, okay? So how about you step back and let us through?"

She resisted the urge to get physical when the angry mob circled them and continued to taunt Rafael. "Good luck to you when you need a prisoner to testify. You're looking at a big problem, Mr. Barba." She cast a quick glance at Rafael, who'd never looked this shaken, and turned to Mike to take the lead. They had to get him out of there, _now._ Mike calmly and confidently cleared a path through the crowd, Olivia quickly following suit - she was glad for his imposing physical presence.

They caught their breaths at the bottom of the staircase. "That was something," she murmured to Mike, back turned to the dispersing crowd. “I didn’t think this many people would show up. The union really punches above its weight.”

"Ever seen a crowd this angry? I really thought they were going to jump us," Mike uttered. The usually stoic sergeant frowned watching the union reps file into the building. "I don't even want to know what my dad has to say about this."

Olivia decided not to entertain thoughts of William Dodds for the time being - the further away he stayed from them, the better it was for her blood pressure. "The sooner this ends, the better it's going to be for all of us. Munson is a serial predator, and we need to make sure he goes away,” she replied angrily. "He abused his power so horrifically. Thinking about what he did makes my skin crawl."

"Well, we’re here because the grand jury delivered the indictment on multiple counts, so that's a promising start."

"Let's just hope that Barba puts up a good fight. These charges need to stick."

"Speaking of Barba... where is he?" Mike gulped and hurriedly looked around when he realised that Rafael wasn't standing with them. _Damn it._ Olivia turned her eyes back up the stairs and immediately pulled Mike towards him when she caught sight of a visibly shaken Rafael.

"Hey. Everything all right?" She stepped right next to him and inspected his face closely. He certainly didn't _look_ alright - whatever just happened had left him paralysed with fear. Any memories of their talk in the park flew out the window when she saw how distressed he looked, and she reached out to touch his arm comfortingly.

"Not really... someone just threatened to kill me," he hurriedly whispered.

"What?!" _Shit. I should have kept my eyes on him until I was sure he was safe,_ she berated herself. It wasn't even that hard a job, and she'd failed miserably.

"Who was it?" Mike panicked and scanned the crowd for any suspicious-looking people.

He didn’t answer, but dipped his voice to warn them. "Tell the squad to watch their backs. This is just the beginning," he implored. She kept her hand on his back, too stunned to pull away. The steely demeanour he'd perfected working with her in recent weeks melted away almost instantly. His green eyes were now flooded with fear and concern; his breath staggered and shallow. The trio looked around in a tense silence in the hopes of locating the mysterious man, but Rafael knew that he was long gone.

Olivia gratefully let Mike take the lead in ushering Rafael to safety while she berated herself for taking her eyes off him. How could she have turned her back to him when it was her job to protect him? He was worried enough to reach out to her - in spite of all that was going on - to ask for her protection, and she now felt responsible. But Rafael or not, she couldn’t deal with things like this with a panicky mind or guilty conscience: not when his life seemed to be on the line. She'd go back to the precinct, calm down, and then follow up on what'd happened.

The incident weighed on her mind until she got back to the precinct. She stared blankly at her laptop, but realised quickly that she needed to talk to Rafael to ask for more details on the threat while it was still fresh in his memory.

 _I'm sorry for missing the guy at the courthouse earlier, Rafael,_ she finally texted. She knew a text apology wouldn't make up for how rattled he probably was, but it was a start.

_Liv, it's fine. It happened so quickly. I've asked Rollins and Carisi to look into it for me._

Olivia swallowed the bitter disappointment at the back of her throat. It was perfectly reasonable of him to ask the junior detectives for their help, but she couldn't help but think that he'd approach her instead if this had taken place a couple of months ago. _Fuck this arrangement_. She wanted to keep Rafael safe, even if that meant collapsing the carefully constructed emotional walls between them in the process. She wanted so badly to drop everything, run over to his office and check on him, but clearly he didn't want her too close if he'd run straight to Amanda and Sonny.

"Amanda?" she called across the squad room when she saw the blonde emerge through the main doors.

"What's up, Liv?" She closed the office door behind her.

"Barba told me that he just called you and Carisi about the courthouse threat. What happened?"

Amanda chewed on her lower lip - Barba hadn't seemed particularly keen on Olivia knowing the details - but knew that Olivia would pry the answer out of her sooner or later. She still didn't know why the relationship between her lieutenant and the ADA had become more strained as of late, but assumed that it had to do with the residual tension from the Catholic church investigation. "The man who threatened him said that he'd, um... push Barba down the courthouse stairs and crack his skull open."

 _Holy crap, that is gruesome._ Olivia maintained her best poker face and suppressed nightmarish visions of Rafael bleeding out on the steps of 60 Centre Street. "Anything notable? Did Barba get a word in with him?"

"Young - probably in his mid-20s - and wearing a black leather jacket. Not much else we can go on. Barba said it didn't make any sense to murder him in front of all the cameras, gave him a fake address, told him it was his home address, and then told him to "come by any time he wanted". Then the man slipped away into the crowd.”

"What?!" Of course Rafael wasn't stupid enough to give a menacing stranger his actual home address, but him being a smart-ass to someone who was threatening his life? The nerve of that man! He didn’t need to embolden the mysterious stranger and whatever organisation he worked for. She almost sprang out of her seat.

"We aren't sure yet if this threat is related to the ongoing case or one of Barba's previous ones, but Carisi and I are going to look into it."

"Get Barba a security detail, especially near his apartment block. I don't care how much he protests. The least we can do is have someone escort him to and from work.”

"We're on it.”

As much as Olivia trusted Amanda and Sonny to do their jobs, she couldn't shake the feeling of doom in her chest. _Hopefully the man who threatened Rafael was all bark and no bite_ , she thought, but given how many people he'd pissed off in his time as an ADA and the contentious nature of the Munson case, it probably wasn't an empty threat. But he'd almost definitely push her away if she got too involved, and having Amanda and Sonny take care of it was the next best option.

A couple of hours later, Olivia looked up from her laptop and spotted Ed making his way through the doors of the precinct. _Not again_ , she grumbled. Especially not today and right NOW, when she had the life of her ADA on her mind. She despised herself for wanting to turn him away, but it was too late for that - Ed had made such a habit of his sudden visits that no one blinked an eye when he strolled in like he owned the place. In the fifteen seconds she had before he entered her office, she took a sip of water and did her best to expunge the vision of someone cracking Rafael Barba's skull open from her head. Clearly it hadn't been successful, because the first question Ed asked her was a concerned, "What's wrong? Munson case getting you down?"

"Grand jury delivered an indictment a few hours ago, and the CO union is giving us a hard time, but you already know that. And..." she added quickly, "... someone threatened to crack Barba's skull open on the courthouse steps right after."

Ed frowned upon hearing Rafael's name, although, to his great credit, he did his best to cover it up. He'd heard about the indictment through the courthouse grapevine and already knew that the case was bothering Olivia, but Barba's life being threatened? That was new information to him. "You went to the courthouse today?" he raised an eyebrow and asked, extra careful not to sound interrogative.

"Rafael asked me - and Mike - to meet him there and walk him out. Union was going to eat him alive otherwise." It slipped out of Olivia's mouth before she could give it a second thought. She instantly regretted sharing that tidbit of information with him. And she’d called him Rafael, not Barba! "Rollins and Carisi are following up on that."

Olivia saw Ed relax instantly when she clarified her involvement - or lack thereof - in the situation. "It could be a prankster. No serious gangbanger would threaten an ADA like that, with so many people there. And they get threats all the time; most don't end up being serious," he replied dismissively.

 _Well, it could also be a real threat that we have to take very seriously_ , she thought, and didn't hide her annoyance with Ed's callous attitude. "Look, I know you don't like Barba and for good reason, but it's my job to be at least _somewhat_ concerned for him when the threat's probably connected to one of our cases, if not the current one."

He bristled hearing the sharpness in her tone and instantly softened. "Sorry, Liv. I didn't mean for it to come out that way."

"It's fine," she replied. "Come on, I could use a coffee." She got up before waiting for his response and walked out the door.

They waited in silence at the coffee stand outside the precinct, and she pretended not to notice him scanning the area for any suspicious-looking people. "Liv... please tell me that no one has threatened _you_ too," he finally said.

"No, nothing of that sort. We still don't know if the threat's related to this case or a previous one. But I'll be careful, I promise."

"Good, good. I'm sorry, Liv." He paid for her coffee before she could take her wallet out.

"Let it go, Ed. It's fine."

The mood now sour, neither seemed particularly keen to continue the conversation, so Ed glanced at his watch. "I think I'd better get back to IAB. I'll call you later."

"Okay."

He kissed her on the cheek. "Love you, Liv."

"Love you too,” she replied, almost robotically. Mixing work and romance wasn’t her strong suit, and she was too flustered to think about a romantic evening with Ed. She questioned how sincere she was being when she said that, but she'd figure that out later - once the threat against Rafael was resolved once and for all. Now, all she had to do was her job. After all, the situation couldn't possibly get any worse, could it?

* * *

"Carmen, lock the door and from now on, don't let _anyone_ into my office unless I explicitly say it's alright. Also," he leaned in and lowered his voice, "if you receive any mysterious or suspicious calls, take down the date and time _immediately_. We need to get those details to Rollins and Carisi."

The young woman nodded and watched Rafael slam the door behind him. He scanned the room, ensuring that no one had snuck past Carmen in his absence. Only when he was positively sure that he was alone did he put his briefcase down and take his suit off.

_Someone threatened to kill me today!_

It definitely wasn't the first time he'd been threatened - it was easy to make enemies in his line of work - but the stress of the Munson case and the past few months made him realise that he'd made some enemies in _very_ high places. The Catholic church, NYPD higher-ups, and now the CO union... True friends were few and far between in a job like this, and he silently uttered a grateful prayer that the mysterious man hadn't shot or stabbed him right there on the courthouse steps. Rollins and Carisi had taken down all the details and promised to get to work as soon as possible, but until they found a lead, which might mean receiving _another_ threat, he was as good as a sitting duck, and this feeling of helplessness was new and thoroughly unappealing to him.

He sat down for a fresh cup of coffee, forgoing his usual scotch - he didn't want to be tipsy or let his guard down for even a second - and his phone buzzed with a new message.

_I'm sorry for missing the guy at the courthouse earlier, Rafael._

Rafael sighed. As rattled as he was, he couldn't exactly blame Olivia or Mike Dodds for what had happened. They were doing him a favour and not there in an official capacity, and took time out of their day to help him get through the mob on the courthouse steps. He wasn't even sure if this threat had anything to do with the current case or not. It took all his strength not to call Olivia right now and tell her just how afraid he was. But he also didn't want her to feel like his current anxiety was _her_ fault; she probably already was beating herself up in her office for missing the man, and he wasn't keen on adding to that emotional burden.

 _Liv, it's fine. It happened so quickly. I've asked Rollins and Carisi to look into it for me,_ he’d typed.

Olivia had so much else on her plate - it made more sense for the junior detectives to follow up on it, instead of having her devote her precious energy to him. He couldn't risk Olivia plunging into a situation that would put her or Noah's safety at risk, especially given her proclivity for acting rashly in high-stakes situations. And there was Ed. He certainly knew about what had happened between them, and Rafael wasn't going to overstep any boundaries when there were equally capable detectives on hand to help him out. Anyway, all that mattered was that Sonny and Amanda were on the case, and with their tech-savviness and street smarts, maybe he wouldn't have a problem to worry about by this time tomorrow. Perhaps it all was just a childish prank, like so many of the other threats he'd received in the past. No need to overreact until things got worse, right?

* * *

_Shouldn’t have jinxed it - it DOES get worse._ Rafael’s heart thumped loudly in his chest as he sprinted in the direction of the courthouse exit.

"I'm a New York City DA. That man just threatened me. Shut the building down and get that security footage!" he practically spat at the nearest officer. _Not this again!_

He pushed the brass doors open and stood at the top of the courthouse stairs, scanning the area around the building. Again, no sign of him. _Damn it._ He should have let Amanda and Sonny talk him into getting a 24/7 security detail, not just for his commute to and from work. His palms grew clammy thinking of what had just happened in the elevator - what if the man had a knife or worse, a gun? He could have lost his life during that thirty-second elevator ride.

"I'm sorry, Counselor. We gave chase on foot, but he slipped away and we lost sight of him. We'll get the security footage from the elevator and have an officer escort you back to your office now." _How did this bastard get away AGAIN?_ Rafael questioned, but decided not to give the already-panicky officer a verbal dressing down.

"Send the footage to Detectives Rollins and Carisi at the 1-6. They'll follow up on it." The officer nodded and ushered Rafael back into the building, where he caught his breath in a waiting room. He fired off a quick text to Amanda and Sonny, asking them to meet him at his office as soon as they could, but it didn't feel like enough. Olivia had been right there the first time he was threatened - surely it made sense to keep her in the loop? He recalled the panic in her eyes and reassuring touch from the day of the first threat, and almost dialled her number, but shoved his phone back into his pocket. He had to keep a lid on his emotions. There was no reason he couldn't wait until _after_ he was in the safety of his office and he'd briefed Amanda and Sonny.

An hour later, he shifted nervously in his office chair as Amanda and Sonny produced the elevator footage from earlier. "That's the guy."

Amanda made a mental note to get that image processed and run through facial recognition as soon as possible. "So, he threatened you for the first time after the Munson indictment, and hasn't made any other contact until today?"

"Actually... I've been getting threats all year. Hangups, mostly, on my cell, from burners; a few texts."

"Why didn't you tell us about this earlier? Does Liv know?" Sonny pressed.

Rafael managed not to flinch hearing her name. "I thought those were just pranks. I'm used to them. Didn’t think they’d amount to anything more. But it's only in the last week or so that they've felt so much more real. Not sure if they’re related or not."

"Are there any cases you think this could be related to?"

"I honestly don't know. Um… but the cell phone threats started after I indicted the three cops who shot Terrence Reynolds."

Amanda and Sonny turned to each other with looks of horror on their faces. No one doubted the gravity of the situation at hand. "I'm calling Liv."

Rafael leaned back in his chair with an exasperated sigh as Amanda picked up her phone. This situation was proving mentally exhausting for everyone, and it was for the best that Amanda would break the news to Olivia instead of him. _I’ll follow up with Liv later_ , he told himself.

"Yeah, Lieutenant... uh, sorry to bother you, but we got a situation here." Before Amanda could elaborate further, however, her face fell and she mumbled incoherently and nodded before hanging up.

"Sonny, we need to get going, now," she said sternly. “And we need to vest up on the way.”

Rafael sat back up in his seat, suddenly ten times more alert. _Vests?_ "What happened?"

"Gary Munson is holding Dodds and Lisa hostage in the house. Probably armed. Liv's trying to get them out now. Barba, we'll follow up with you later. Don’t leave your office until we get you that security detail.”

"Don't worry about me. Just go!" Within seconds, they were gone from his office, and he immediately shelved his idea to finally give Olivia a call. How were _both_ of them facing life-threatening situations in the same week? It was as though God wanted to unite them in some perverse, twisted way, especially when they weren’t exactly talking.

Although Rafael feared for Dodds, he was relieved that it wasn't Olivia in the house. The townhouse incident from a few months ago was more than enough to completely undo Rafael. It had been his first time being so closely involved with a hostage situation, and seeing how precarious a situation like this could be made his stomach churn. What if they stormed in and things went south? Or if Olivia offered to take Dodds’ place and put herself in the line of fire? The files he’d spent sleepless nights poring over made it clear that Munson was a twisted, evil man, who was now tethering on the edge of a breakdown after the indictment. He didn't want to imagine her getting attacked - especially not after the Lewis incident, which he still felt responsible for. For the rest of the afternoon he stewed in his anxiety, until a much-welcomed text from Amanda brought him back to reality.

_Sorry for the delay. We just wrapped up here. Carisi and I arranged for a squad car to take you home. Threat Assessment has sent Carmen the details._

_Thanks._

Curiosity - and concern - got the better of him and he sent a quick follow-up message.

_What happened at the Munson house?_

_Mike Dodds was shot. Lost a lot of blood. In surgery at the hospital, but EMTs think he’ll pull through. Liv's unhurt. Carisi and I are going to follow up on the threats now._

Olivia was fine, thank God. He said a quick prayer for Mike Dodds to recover as smoothly as he did from being shot during the Yates manhunt, but really, Olivia was the person he was concerned about. Losing her right when their friendship was still sour? That scared the crap out of him. He wasn’t sure if Amanda had told Olivia about the second threat yet, but that definitely could wait until Mike got out of surgery. _As long as Olivia is unharmed._

"Carmen, do I have anything else on for the rest of the day?"

"No, Mr. Barba. Your schedule is clear. I also got a message from Threat Assessment; let me know what time you want to leave and they'll escort you home."

"Actually, I think I'd like to go home now, since I don't have anything else to do here." He quickly gathered his things while Carmen called them.

An officer that Rafael thankfully recognised and trusted ushered him into a squad car that was waiting by the back entrance of 1 Hogan Place. The sun had barely dipped; this was the earliest he'd gotten off work in months. An idea popped into his head. "Officer, is there any chance that we can make a stop at Lincoln Hospital on the way back?”

"I'm sorry, Counselor. I heard about Sergeant Dodds, but Threat Assessment says that we can't be making unplanned stops."

"Seriously?!" Rafael snapped. "He could be dying, for all we know, and I can't even visit him? The hospital has to be full of police officers now. I'll be perfectly safe there." He didn’t know Dodds that well, but it’d be odd for the SVU ADA not to visit someone he saw almost every day, and he’d also be able to check on Liv.

The officer frowned apologetically. "I'm really sorry, Counselor, but I'll have to let my superiors know and get clearance. You should be able to visit him tomorrow.”

Rafael felt a tinge of guilt for snapping at the officer. All he was doing was following orders. With no other option, he reluctantly got into the car and headed home. Once his apartment was deemed safe to enter, Rafael locked the door and instructed his doorman not to let anyone in - thankfully, it wasn't suspicious in the slightest, given that his building housed a significant number of high-profile residents. He had no interest in looking over the Munson case files - he'd had more than enough of that disgusting, twisted man for a lifetime, let alone a week - and spent the evening standing over a pot of soup in his kitchen. Rafael rarely had time to cook, but when he did, it always put his nerves at ease. This was his mother's recipe, and he made a mental note to call her about the threats - she probably needed a security detail of her own.

Half an hour of easing the nerves of a panicked Lucia later, he settled on his couch to re-read his well-worn copy of _The Waves_ \- a perennial favourite of his - but even Virginia Woolf's mellifluous, impressionistic prose failed to dazzle him or bring him back to a happier time studying English at Harvard. The thought of Mike Dodds in the Munson house with a bullet in his torso sent a shiver down his spine. He imagined Olivia pacing up and down the hospital corridor waiting for Mike to emerge from surgery, running through the events of the last few hours in her head. Maybe she was comforting a panicked William Dodds. Anxiously waiting for news in Ed Tucker’s arms. He'd happily give up this rare relaxed evening to be there.

Maybe it was the perfect time to screw their Washington Square Park arrangement and clear the air. Rafael wanted to be right by her side and for her to know that he was in her corner; they’d sit on his office couch and drink scotch and talk for hours like they once did. And even though it’d been ages since they’d last done that, he had a strong feeling that she wanted the exact same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you again to [@justabensonfanatic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/justabensonfanatic/pseuds/justabensonfanatic)  
> for the idea to make Ed clingy and over-protective!
> 
> i'm of the belief that even good characters that we know and love can do terrible/shitty things and/or behave irrationally, and trust me, it's been tougher than i initially expected to write Liv and Rafa this way when i'm such a devoted Barson shipper. but i hope you'll stick around to see how they work through this mess both together and independently!
> 
> i'm also realising my chapters are getting increasingly long, oops - if you'd like me to change that, please let me know.
> 
> say hi at @immen_sity on Twitter if you're on there - i'd love to hear from you!


	6. Love and Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The unexpected passing of a squad member forces Olivia and Rafael to rethink their carefully-constructed boundaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 2021, everyone! just a few more days until we get Barba back on SVU and i'm incredibly excited - i'm guessing that episode will provide some new ficlet inspiration. the first half of this chapter is my spin on the events in Heartfelt Passages (17x23) and hence borrows a lot of dialogue from the episode. a couple of notable divergences from canon here: Ed Tucker doesn't leave IAB at this stage, and the threats against Barba continue after the S17 finale (i'll always be a little annoyed that they were never fully resolved in the show).
> 
> CONTENT NOTE: death of a squad member, some blood and mentions of violence and abuse. spoilers for 17x23 if you haven’t already seen it.

"Yes, yes, have your mother pray for him. Thanks, honey." Olivia thanked her lucky stars for such an understanding and compassionate nanny for Noah. Mike Dodds was fighting for his life on the operating table and her head was spinning, but at the very least, she didn't have to worry about the welfare of her son.

"Liv, I got here as quick as I could." Ed appeared before her with concern written all over his face. "He still in surgery?"

"He's alive. We'll take that."

"You all right?" She wanted to bury herself in his arms, but held back, wary that they were surrounded by fellow cops, not all of whom knew they were dating. It took all her strength not to cry as she related how she'd left Dodds alone in the Munson house, but Ed's gentle tone was like a healing balm.

"You alright? You need anything? Something to eat; maybe a coffee?" The clingy, over-protective Ed she'd grown annoyed with over the last month was precisely the Ed she needed in this very moment. The events of the last few hours now felt like a blur, and he gripped her trembling hands, steadying them.

"Just be here," she managed, eyes and tone imploring.

"I'm not going anywhere." They were inches apart. He wanted to kiss her so badly, but they were interrupted by William Dodds.

"His fiancee's flying in. LaGuardia."

"I'll have Aviation pick her up." Ed raced down the hallway to make the call. It seemed like the situation was under control - Mike was hanging on, his father was getting the rest of the family to the hospital, Ed was there for moral support - but she wouldn't let her mind settle until she was sure Mike was going to be alright. Dodds Sr. raced around the waiting room in typical police chief-style, but she knew too well that he was behaving exactly how she would in a crisis - lean on her detective instincts until she caved.

God, she wasn't sure how she'd live with herself if Mike didn't make it. Her eyes were damp with unshed tears, but she refused to break down.

_I should have let Dodds walk the kids out to the car._

She knew that it was all she would be able to think about for the next few hours.

* * *

With Mike doing well, his father by his bedside, and Alice on her way from LaGuardia, everyone heaved a collective sigh of relief and let the energy in the hospital calm down after a restless, frantic night. By the time Olivia fell asleep on Ed’s shoulder on the waiting room couch, golden sunlight was illuminating the room.

Ed felt her chest rise and fall against him, grateful that she was getting some rest after having one hell of a day, and quietly caught up on emails on his phone. Even though she was asleep, he could see the tension and fear written all over her face, and his heart ached for her. It didn't look like he'd be reporting to work at IAB that day. He deliberated if he should run to the cafeteria to get breakfast for himself and Olivia just in case things got hectic again, but hesitated when he heard the voices of Amanda Rollins and Sonny Carisi in the hallway.

"Hey. Facial recognition unit got a hit on the guy that threatened Barba."

 _Barba._ Ed's senses were on fire hearing the ADA's name. He almost shot up in his seat, but quickly stopped himself before waking his sleeping girlfriend, and listened intently to their conversation. Amanda and Sonny were careful to keep their volume down, but their voices still reverberated in the early morning silence of the hallway.

"Please tell me he's not a CO..." He could hear the panic in Carisi’s voice. It made sense - he and Barba were close.

"No, it's Felipe Heredio. He's a lieutenant in BX9."

_Gang-related stuff. Looks like Liv was right - these threats are serious._

"We put his brother away a couple of years ago for gang rape."

"His brother - so it's personal," Carisi deduced. "Wait, we should tell the Lieutenant.”

 _Ugh_ , Ed muttered under his breath. He really didn't want them to wake Olivia from her much-needed slumber. _Or have her get all worked up about the threats_ , he admitted to himself. The junior detectives were perfectly capable of handling it, and although he tried his best to understand that it was Olivia’s job to oversee the investigation, the thought of her losing sleep over Barba's safety still made his blood boil, especially when she was dealing with so much as it was. It was difficult for him to be rational when the line between her police work and romantic life suddenly felt so much blurrier than before in light of these threats.

Amanda and Sonny emerged in the waiting room from around the corner and stopped dead in their tracks when they saw their boss asleep on Tucker's shoulder. Had this been an ordinary day - not like he'd ever seen her asleep before - Sonny would have woken her up reluctantly, but the look on Tucker's face made him hesitate. He hadn't realised that the IAB captain was in the waiting room with his lieutenant. Surely he must've heard them discuss the threats against Barba in the hallway - and was that _anger_ in his eyes? It didn't last for long though; Tucker turned his eyes back to his phone like he hadn't noticed them at all.

"Uhhh..." Sonny stammered nervously. "Captain, we need to talk to our lieutenant." He quickly looked to Amanda for guidance. _Help me out here,_ he mouthed.

"We've got a new lead on the threats against ADA Barba that Liv... I mean, Lieutenant... needs to see." Amanda clarified calmly, although Sonny didn’t miss the hint of snark in her voice.

"Can it wait?" he asked in an impatient whisper. "She just fell asleep."

"Sorry, Captain, but it can't, " Sonny replied.

Ed eyed the detectives skeptically. "Aren't you two the ones handling the threats against Barba? Why get Liv involved?"

"There was a major development yesterday when she and Dodds were in the Munson house, and we really have to bring her up to speed now," Amanda said firmly, barely suppressing an eye roll, while Sonny stared at Ed quizzically. _Why is Tucker being so difficult about this?_ Sonny wondered. He and Amanda had gossiped casually about Ed's newfound habit of appearing at the precinct very often, and now he was wondering if it was related to his current foul mood.

"Fine," he snapped. "Make it quick."

"Thank you." Sonny and Amanda waited in the hallway while a clearly disgruntled Ed woke Olivia from her nap.

"You notice that?" Amanda whispered.

"Maybe he's just tired," Sonny reasoned half-heartedly. Amanda didn't think that Ed was "just tired" - was he _still_ having some beef with Barba after the investigation? - but this wasn't the time or place to mull on it further.

"What do we have now?" Olivia rubbed her sleepy eyes and made a point to lead them away from the waiting room, where they were promptly joined by Fin.

Amanda handed Olivia the iPad, on which displayed a screen-grab from the elevator security camera, and watched Olivia's face fall as she filled her in. "While you were at the Munson house yesterday, someone threatened Barba in the courthouse elevator, and he called us right after. That was the situation we were dealing with when we called. Unis pulled security footage. Barba said it's the same guy from the courthouse steps. Facial recognition came through - his name is Felipe Heredio. BX9 lieutenant. Barba put his brother away for rape."

"This guy threatened to kill Barba again?" Any remnants of slumber fled Olivia's body when she peered at the photo of the man and Rafael in the elevator. The image was slightly grainy, but she could clearly make out the worry and fear on Rafael's face. Rafael had been threatened _again_? She almost lashed out at Amanda and Sonny for waiting so long to tell her, but there was no point losing her cool - the Munson house debacle rightfully took all her attention until that point, and the last thing she wanted was to make a scene when Ed probably was eavesdropping from the waiting room. "Where's Barba now?"

"We got the counselor a security detail over his objections. They're with him 24/7 now."

Thank goodness Rafael hadn't been stubborn enough to reject a security detail. It eased her mind slightly. "We have a last known for Felipe?"

 _Thank goodness_ , she thought, when Amanda informed her that they had Heredio's address and could pick him up. Olivia sent them on their way after making them promise to wear their vests, and was about to head back into the waiting room to join a visibly annoyed Ed, but decided on impulse to fire off a quick text to Rafael.

_Rafael - Rollins and Carisi told me about what happened at the courthouse yesterday. They're going to pick Heredio now up. How are you holding up? Let me know if you need anything._

It wasn't even 7am and he probably wasn't going to see her text for a couple hours more, but she didn't want him to think that they'd abandoned him. She hoped he was doing alright in his apartment.

"Hey, everything alright?" Ed asked when she reappeared in the waiting room. "What was that about?" His tone was friendly, but his eyes were cold and questioning.

She took her seat next to him and folded her arms defensively. "Same guy threatened Barba again yesterday. Got a hit with facial recognition. Officers are on his block now."

"Good, good," Ed nodded, although his insincerity was as clear as day. "Liv, let your squad handle this. You have enough on your plate," he added sternly.

"Ed, now is _not_ the time to have a discussion about that," she fired back. Thankfully, the rest of the waiting room was empty. "Just let me do my job. I'm going to lose my mind with worry if I sit here all day."

Ed recoiled seeing the frustration in her eyes. "Sorry, Liv. Do you want to get some more sleep?"

"No," she snapped. "I'm going to get some coffee." She stormed off without another word and Ed made no attempt to follow her. The whiplash was thoroughly frustrating to her - Ed vacillated wildly between being the sweetest man on the planet and looking like he wanted to beat Barba up, even if just for a split-second, whenever she did as much as bring Rafael's name up in a work context. This wasn't the way she wanted to work on her relationship with Ed; not when she had to resist the temptation to roll her eyes or snap at him half the time.

But the hospital wasn't the right place to bring this issue up; she'd have to wait until Mike was released and things settled down. God damn, the last few weeks just hadn't afforded her _any_ time to slow down and actually address any of her personal issues. She ignored the nagging temptation to admonish herself _again_ for sleeping with Rafael and dragging Ed into this mess; it was too late for that now. All she wanted was a break, but it didn't look like one was coming anytime soon.

* * *

Rafael rolled over in bed and gasped when he realised it was 8am. Thank goodness he didn't have to be in court, because he definitely was running late for work. He grunted and reached for his phone, which was charging on his nightstand. A text about his escort to work, a few emails from Jack McCoy about the threats and re-assigning some of his caseload to another ADA until the situation settled down, and a much-welcomed message from Rollins with an update on the elevator threat.

_Facial recognition came back with a hit this morning. Felipe Heredio, BX9. You put his brother away for rape a couple of years back. We're on it now._

Rafael shuddered. So it wasn't related to the Munson case after all, which _seemed_ like a small victory until it sank in that it actually was even worse. BX9, with their vast resources and appetite for vengeance, was probably the worst enemy anyone could possibly have. He desperately hoped that Rollins, Fin and Carisi were going to nab Heredio. And even if they picked up Heredio, they'd still have to check if he was acting alone or who’d paid him, which probably meant getting the Gang Unit involved. And how was he going to tell his mother about all this?

In his blind panic, he almost missed a new message from Olivia.

 _Rafael - Rollins and Carisi told me about what happened at the courthouse yesterday. They're going to pick Heredio up now. How are you holding up? Let me know if you need anything_.

He couldn't help but smile hearing from her, and some tension fled his body. This was the most normal their working relationship had felt since the night they'd slept together, and in a world that was quickly turning to shit, it was nice to have her in his corner.

_I'm good, Liv. Thanks for helping me with this. I'll come by the hospital to see Dodds later. How are you holding up?_

Rafael wasn't quite sure whether or not to expect a reply, but his phone buzzed again as he got into the squad car to be escorted to work.

_Honestly, not too great. Dodds' condition took a sudden turn for the worse. We're waiting to hear from the doctors now. Doesn't look good._

And then a follow-up message.

_Be careful, okay?_

_I will, Liv. You take care too._

Unfortunately, his brief exchange with Olivia was the only bright spot that day. Rafael arrived at the hospital to a flood of tears in the waiting room. She looked at him with red, blotchy eyes and he instantly knew what that meant.

_Dodds didn't make it._

Office politics, open cases and any ongoing romantic tension took a backseat for a few solemn hours. Rafael sat with the squad and Ed in the waiting room in a mournful silence, struggling to accept that Mike was gone. William Dodds and Alice were almost inconsolable, and their pained sobs pierced all their hearts. Mike's last day at SVU, and he hadn’t made it out alive.

Rafael rarely cried, especially in front of his co-workers - it was a skill he was forced to learn at a young age, growing up in a home with a volatile and violent father who hated any sign of weakness Rafael showed. But he let tears stream down his cheeks when he saw William Dodds, shirt still covered in his son’s blood, crumple into a heap on the waiting room floor when Mike’s younger brother arrived. He turned to Olivia, who stared blankly at the floor while she wiped her swollen and tear-stained eyes, Ed Tucker’s hand gently resting on her shoulder.

She looked up and met Rafael's concerned gaze, pain-filled brown eyes begging for an embrace from him. They couldn’t do that with Ed in the room, but he knew that she wanted his comfort just as much as he did, and that fleeting affinity made them both just a little bit stronger.

* * *

"We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Sergeant Michael Dodds..."

The air in the cavernous chapel was sombre and mellow. Rafael stared at the blown-up portrait of Mike Dodds and felt tears sting his eyes for the umpteenth time in the last 24 hours as the police band played the final bars of Amazing Grace. He hadn't known Mike Dodds that long, but his interactions with the sergeant had been pleasant, and he’d brought a nice calm energy to the often-frantic squad room. Not long ago he'd been standing next to Mike in the precinct, and now he was attending his funeral.

Olivia was seated a few feet away from him, looking dignified in her uniform, but her eyes glistened with remorseful tears. He couldn't help but notice her grab Ed's hand for support in a rare display of public affection when the usually-stoic William Dodds stepped up to the podium to deliver one of the most emotional speeches they'd ever seen, and the tears that streamed down her face all through the rest of the ceremony. Heredio and BX9 immediately went to the back of Rafael's mind: he was rattled, of course, but he still had his life while Dodds didn't, and he was grateful to be alive.

But the realities of mortality continued to sink in all through the service. It wasn't even that long ago that he'd witnessed the terrifying courtroom shooting that put Nick Amaro out of service, wounded Judge Barth, and killed a CO (and Johnny D, although no one mourned him). Sometimes he could still smell the blood when he closed his eyes, and the suit he'd been wearing that day still had the faintest hint of a brown stain even after 3 trips to the dry cleaners'. What if it had been Amanda, or Sonny, or Fin, or God forbid, Olivia, in Mike Dodds' position? Alice was so distraught that she could barely get through her speech, and Rafael allowed himself to imagine the grim possibility of someone - whether it was Ed, Brian Cassidy, or at a stretch, himself - delivering that exact same speech as they mourned Olivia Benson.

He'd been working with cops for a long time, but never had he been so close to this much bloodshed and loss. Rafael typically wasn't the morbid type, but it was impossible not to realise that close shaves were awfully common for the Manhattan SVU squad. William Lewis. Johnny D. The townhouse incident. BX9. And now this. All those incidents had left him and the squad shaken enough, but the reality of _actually_ losing someone hit Rafael hard. How many times was Olivia a hair's breadth away from losing her life, and would he be able to live with himself if she did before they sorted out whatever was going on between them? He remembered her pained, troubled eyes from the hospital waiting room, and wished he could embrace her like Ed Tucker probably did behind closed doors.

His pensive mood continued all the way to the drinks reception at Mike's favourite bar. The squad gathered around the bar, trading light-hearted stories about the sergeant’s time at SVU. Olivia laughed along, but he could see the deep sadness and melancholy in her brown eyes - pain, hurt, self-blame, _guilt_.

 _Are you okay?_ he mouthed to her a couple of times, to which she stared back wordlessly. Of course she was saddened by Dodds' death - they all were - but he suspected that there was something else weighing on her mind.

Sonny pulled Rafael aside while they all got refills on their drinks. "Counselor, just so you know, we haven't arrested Heredio yet, but we have units posted on his block."

Rafael looked around at the bar of uniformed police officers and realised he didn't have a thing to worry about. Being able to let his guard down in a large crowd was extremely liberating. "I'm not worried. Not in here," he smiled.

“The unis are on his block and the neighbours think that he'll be back soon. We’re hoping to pick him up later today. Once he’s been processed, you can head to the precinct to ID him. We’ll keep the security detail on you for the time being.”

“Thank you for getting all this sorted for me, Carisi.” They clinked their glasses and Rafael dipped his voice. "Carisi, I'm just wondering... what happened when Liv and Dodds were in the Munson house?"

Sonny looked around to make sure that no one was eavesdropping and whispered, “Lisa Munson called Liv for a clothes job, and she and Dodds responded. Liv brought the kids out to the car, and Gary Munson suddenly pulled a gun on Lisa and Dodds and held them in the house. Before ESU and Liv could deescalate, Munson shot Dodds.”

“Good God,” Rafael gasped.

“Liv’s been beating herself up for leaving Dodds alone in there. She keeps saying that she should have let Dodds bring the kids to the car. They didn't realise Munson had another gun in the house. It’s been real hard for her.”

 _Dios._ That explained things. Rafael turned around to look for Olivia, but realised that she was gone. He scanned the room for her and found her sitting at William Dodds' table, engrossed in conversation - he didn’t want to interrupt, so he and Sonny resumed their conversation with Fin and Amanda, but the new information weighed on his mind for the rest of the reception. Olivia was her own harshest critic, which was something she and Rafael had in common, and it was as though her pained eyes now had physical weight, silently crushing him.

He caught sight of her again as they were about to leave the bar. With Ed in the bathroom, Olivia seized the opportunity to approach Rafael, who was putting his jacket on and wondering if he should talk to her as well. She'd noticed his concerned glances but hadn't had a chance to talk to him all day, and if her intuition was right, Rafael had correctly guessed that she was taking Dodds' death especially hard.

“Rafael... how are you holding up? I’m sorry we haven’t talked - about the threats and all...” she started apologetically. It was their first proper, in-person conversation in what felt like ages, and her tongue suddenly felt like lead. His green eyes were filled with their usual intensity, but they made her feel strangely at home. She hated that it was these circumstances that finally got them talking again.

“I’m good, Liv." He smiled at her, which eased the tension slightly. "And it’s fine; Carisi just told me that you'll nail Heredio soon. But enough about me. I should be the one asking you how you’re doing," he said, his voice dipping to a gentle and concerned half-whisper.

She knew instantly from his tone that Sonny or Amanda had filled him in on what had happened at the Munson house. “I don’t know, honestly. Sad, angry at myself, guilty...”

“Don’t beat yourself up for it, Liv. You couldn't have known." Rafael almost put his hand on her shoulder, but stopped himself. He wasn't sure if their friendship had reached that stage of normalcy yet, which stung a little.

They had to wrap the conversation up when they realised that Ed was about to return from the bathroom. She felt a pang of annoyance realising this - she didn't want to step on Ed's toes after she'd betrayed him, but it'd been about a month and this dance around Rafael and Ed just seemed unsustainable. Until she had a chance to talk to Ed about this, however, she had to settle for a quick smile at her friend. "Take care of yourself, okay?”

“I will, Liv. You take care of yourself, too.”

With one last smile, he put his suit jacket back on and walked out the door, where a uniformed officer was waiting - a grim reminder that the mortality of more than one of her co-workers was on her mind that day.

Ed re-appeared by her side right after Rafael left."Liv, you ready to head back? Noah should be home with Lucy by now."

She was about to let Ed drive her home, but hesitated when she saw his parked car outside. "Actually... I think I'll make my own way home today."

He frowned at her. "You sure you'll be alright?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"I'll call you later." She could tell that Ed wasn't convinced, but didn't care enough to convince him otherwise. There was too much loss hanging in the air, and all she wanted was a peaceful, silent Uber ride home, to change out of her uniform, and spend a quiet evening alone with her son.

* * *

_Barba identified Heredio. Still don't know who called the shot, but Gang Unit's on that now. We'll keep the security detail on Barba until we're sure it's safe._

_Thanks, Carisi. Take the rest of the evening off._

Olivia slipped her phone back into her pocket just as Ed approached with Noah. It wasn't over just yet, but nabbing Heredio was the first step, and she could breathe a little easier knowing that he was in a holding cell.

"Thanks for picking him up, Ed. Sorry for leaving so suddenly after the reception yesterday."

Ed flashed her an understanding smile and placed Noah in Olivia's lap. The boy babbled excitedly seeing his mother and Olivia's spirits lifted instantly. All the stress of the day melted away when she had her son in her arms, so innocent and eyes untarnished by the horrors of the world.

"You seemed pretty upset yesterday. How are you doing, Liv?" Ed wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she leaned into him. They watched the dipping sun over the Hudson and she felt the walls she'd built start to crumble in Ed's arms.

"I just feel so exhausted."

"Probably better than numb," he offered.

"Oh, I feel that too," Olivia admitted sadly.

"I don't know how you're still standing after the last few days."

"The whole year, actually." She gently squeezed Noah's chubby cheek and couldn't help but smile seeing his delighted facial expression. "Well, lucky I got this guy to wake me up at 6am."

"Big dog!" Noah squealed. He pointed at an adorable dog that was passing them.

Olivia beamed. Maybe a dog was somewhere in their future. "Yeah, a doggie! That's right, a doggie." She turned to Ed, who had a peaceful smile on his face.

"You know... we have a good thing going here, the three of us."

She winced seeing how relaxed and content he looked. How was he like this even after what she’d done? "Even after...?" she asked quietly.

"Of course,” he beamed. “I trust you, Olivia Margaret Benson. And this little guy, of course." He gently brushed Noah's hair out of his face and planted a soft kiss on her cheek.

There it was again - Ed being so sweet and encouraging, to the extent that she had a hard time believing him. But after the funeral, she didn't want to hear his platitudes anymore. He was shocked when she recoiled from his kiss. "Ed, I don't think you're being honest with me. I know you're not as fine as you claim to be."

The mood suddenly took a serious turn, and Olivia wondered if she'd gone too far. He sighed and stared at his lap. "I... it's not been easy, Liv. I want things between us to work, but..."

She cut him off, eyes not meeting his. "I heard what you said to Carisi and Rollins in the hospital waiting room that morning." She watched his face crumple with guilt. Obviously he hadn't realised she was awake and had heard his strong disdain for Rafael. "And it's not just that. Ed... I will always feel bad about cheating on you, and I still want to make it up to you. But I also need to do my job. Even if you don't trust me now, I still need to work with Barba, and we're going to have to find a way to be okay with that if we're going to make this work. I can’t have you pretend like everything’s okay with you, when I know it’s not."

Ed didn’t have to speak for her to know that he agreed. Relief washed over his face, like he’d been waiting for her to verbalise what he’d been feeling for over a month. "I get where you're coming from, Liv. To be honest, I still don't know how I feel about all this. But I know how important your job is to you, and the last thing I want to do is get in the way of that. You tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do that.”

Olivia suppressed an exasperated sigh. "See, Ed, this is precisely the problem we're having now. You've done so much for me the last few weeks, and I'm so thankful that you've been so kind to me, but I don't deserve - or need - all that."

"Don't say that, Liv," he interjected, almost instinctively, but stopped when he realised that she was dead serious.

"This isn't us. What we're doing now isn't anything like us, Ed. The surprise visits to the precinct, taking me out to dinner three times a week... I know it's not my place to ask you this because I'm the one who messed up, but I don't think that pretending everything is normal - or turning this into a fluffy, romantic thing - is going to help us move on from this. Hold me accountable for what I did. But please don't put me on a pedestal to fill... whatever gaps there are in this relationship."

She turned to Ed, anxious about his reaction, and was relieved when he nodded sadly. "I get what you're saying, Liv. I guess I was just so afraid of losing you that I didn't really know what to do. I kept thinking - what does Rafael Barba have that I don't? I thought that being the perfect boyfriend would make up for it, but I don't think it's working."

"I know it's not you, Ed. I don't want a version of you that you _think_ is perfect - I just want the real you. I need the real you.”

He nodded silently.

"I think we won't figure this out in just one conversation. We'll need time to get there; to whatever we had before all this happened. If that’s what you want."

"You're right. I want to make things right for us, Liv."

"Where do we even begin?" Truthfully, she didn't have much of a clue how to mend things between her and Ed - or if it'd even work if they tried - but she didn't want to decide for both of them. They had to agree on something, _together_.

"Maybe we need a fresh start."

"What are you thinking of?"

"Actually, I had an idea, but now that we're talking about this, I don't know if it's exactly the kind of "romantic" thing that we want to avoid now,” he suggested nervously.

She balked at the idea of yet another romantic gesture, but could tell how hesitant Ed was bringing it up and decided not to make him feel any more guilty than he already looked. "Let's talk about it anyway. It may work."

He took a deep breath and took her hand in his. "So... it might be nice to get away for a while. Get out of the city, spend some time with just us and Noah, work on us. How do you feel about Paris?"

"Paris?" The last she'd thought of going to Paris was when she first met David Haden years ago. But that obviously hadn't worked out, and Brian Cassidy wasn't the type for romantic getaways either, so there hadn't been any chance to turn that dream into reality. Perhaps it was the fresh start that she and Ed needed - a chance for her to really think about her feelings for him. And with Noah around, the trip wouldn’t feel as sickeningly romantic as she’d always imagined Paris to be. She had nothing against domestic travel or road-trips, but the prospect of being an ocean away from her problems suddenly sounded incredibly appealing.

"Yeah,” Ed added. “I think some time away from New York would do us some good."

The more she thought about the idea, the more she felt comfortable with it. "I'd like that."

"Great. We can talk about it more sometime." He took Noah's chubby arm in one hand and squeezed hers with the other. "I love you, Liv."

"I love you too, Ed." The guilt from her mistake still stung every time she said it. Did she really love Ed with all her heart when she still secretly wondered if she carried a torch for a certain ADA? But at the very least, she knew that there was time and space for her to figure that out, now that she and Ed were finally on a proper mend.

"Come on, let's not keep this little man waiting any longer." Ed flashed a cheeky grin at Noah, whose amused squeals made it clear that he hadn't understood any of his mother's exchange with her boyfriend. Olivia's heart leapt seeing Noah's delighted smile. _Maybe this won't be so difficult after all_ , she thought. Seeing her son happy with the man she loved was more than enough to fill her with joy. She could give her relationship with Ed another chance for Noah’s sake.

An idea suddenly popped into her head. "Why don't you come over tonight?" she suggested. "Get pizza, watch TV, eat the rest of my ice-cream, unwind after this awful week we've had... I just don't want to think about it all."

He beamed hearing that - after weeks of him calling the shots, _her_ suggesting something that they both actually wanted to do was liberating for them both. "I'd love that, Liv."

Anxiety about her new normal with Ed now alleviated, Olivia luxuriated in her newfound contentment as they walked the length of the park, sun dipping behind them and troubles of the last few weeks growing increasingly distant. Sure, there was a lot that they had to do and many things that they needed to fix, but the fresh start they’d talked about didn't sound too bad for the time being.

* * *

The evening was precisely the relaxed one that Olivia needed after a horrible week. For a few blissful few hours she let her mind rest instead of wandering in every possible direction, and Ed was more than happy to enjoy a chilled-out, mindless date night. After their walk in the park, they'd retreated to her apartment, where they enjoyed a leisurely pizza dinner in the front of the couch and laughed at old episodes of _The Office,_ despite neither of them having seen the show before. And she'd _finally_ had sex with Ed again, after weeks of not being in the mood, and fallen asleep in his arms in their post-coital bliss.

Things felt the most peaceful and normal they’d been in many weeks - until she was woken by a late-night phone call from Sonny Carisi.

"Carisi, what's up?" Olivia looked at the digital clock on her nightstand - 2:05 am. Conscious of Ed, who was sleeping soundly next to her, she lowered her voice and quickly stepped into the bathroom, not caring that she didn't have any clothes on.

"Sorry to call so late, Lieu, but we have a bit of a situation with Barba."

Her heart raced and she shut the door behind her. "What happened? Didn't we nab Heredio? Could these be the shot-callers?" _Shit. So much for a relaxed evening,_ Olivia thought. The realisation that the situation was _still_ not fully resolved made her nauseous - she'd been too caught up in the temporary sense of security she had from Heredio's arrest the day before.

"Security detail called and said that there was some suspicious activity around his apartment complex tonight. A couple of suspicious-looking men tried to enter the building - the doorman stopped them - and then tried to break in via the parking garage. Our guys gave chase, but they slipped away before we could grab them. Couple of shots fired, Liv. It's a miracle no one got hurt. We don't know what they were planning."

Olivia almost chastised Carisi for not updating her on the situation earlier, but it was the middle of the night and no one needed to make a volatile situation even worse. "Is Barba alright? Where does that leave us?"

"We're working on identifying the men with the Gang Unit's help, but Threat Assessment recommended we move Barba to a secure hotel for a few days since the shot-callers definitely know where he lives. Fin and I are helping move him right now."

"Alright. Keep me posted."

 _Fuck,_ she cursed as she hung up. She'd already lost Mike Dodds. She couldn't lose Rafael, too.

Ed rolled over in bed with eyes half-shut when he felt her climb back in. "Liv, you okay?"

"I'm fine, babe. Let's go back to bed." She shut her eyes and rested in Ed's arms. Even his familiar and warm embrace didn't do much to quell her nerves, until Carisi texted back an hour later confirming that Rafael had been moved to a Midtown hotel safe and sound, with him and Fin keeping watch until the morning. A part of her wanted to jump out of bed and drive to check on Rafael right now, but she couldn't let her heart rule her head in a situation this risky, especially in the middle of the night. He was safe with Fin and Carisi, and there was absolutely no need to work herself - or Ed - up.

 _Perhaps Amanda and I can check on him tomorrow_ , she thought, remembering that it'd be best not to look him up alone. It was perfectly reasonable of her to check on a friend who'd just been threatened, right? She fell into an uncomfortable slumber contemplating that question, but her gut told her the answer.

* * *

Rafael woke up to a cacophony of traffic noise and sirens from the Midtown street below and morning sun streaming through the window. The bleached hotel sheets felt rough and scratchy beneath him, but it didn't matter. Fin and Sonny were right outside his door, and at least the hotel had extremely fast wi-fi and an extensive cable selection to pass the time. He'd gotten barely three hours of sleep after being kicked out of his condo at 2am, but Jack McCoy had been kind enough to reduce his workload and allow him to work remotely in light of the seriousness of the threats. Ordinarily Rafael would have protested, but these threats had proven themselves to be extremely unsettling, and he wasn't going to let his guard down until he knew for sure that it was safe for him to go back to work, especially after Mike’s sudden passing. They knew where he lived!

Fin knocked on the door half an hour later. "Barba, hang tight. Carmen's going to bring you your briefcase and files later today. Don't worry about your meals - we'll have them sorted."

"Thanks." He was grateful for Fin and Sonny's watchful eyes outside, but collapsed back onto the bed, content to be alone with his thoughts for a while. As much as he despised the awful circumstances that had led to him being here, he desperately needed a break from the awful fortnight he'd just had. The Munson case, the threats, Dodds losing his life, the heartbreaking funeral... it was too much for him to swallow, _on top_ of the existing drama in his personal life. The opening bars of Amazing Grace continued to haunt his nightmares.

 _How is Olivia feeling about all of this?_ Her strong, cool exterior always concealed a wealth of emotion. He yearned to see her - to talk to her like _friends_ did, not vaguely friendly work acquaintances; to hug her and tell her that it wasn't her fault, that he was in her corner. In all the time they'd worked together, this was easily the worst week they'd both faced, and her absence weighed on his chest. Did she even know that he'd been moved to this hotel? Amanda or Sonny probably would have called her about it, but he wasn't counting on her coming to visit him. The last place they needed to be alone together was in a _hotel room_ , and he didn't want to imagine what Ed would think if he found out.

Without any upcoming court dates or big cases, Rafael wasn't in much of a mood to look at anything even vaguely work-related. He tossed his phone on the nightstand and drifted back into a listless sleep.

* * *

Olivia stared worriedly at her chat with Rafael.

_Rafael - Carisi told me you were moved to a hotel; are you doing alright?_

He hadn't replied for over three hours, which was uncanny for the ADA. She didn't think she'd ever seen him without his phone, and surely there wasn't much else he could do in that hotel room. All morning she'd wondered if she should pay him a visit, but the uncertainty was eating away at her, and she now was feeling more sure about it.

"Amanda, I think it's our turn to check on Barba. You coming?" Olivia grabbed her keys and jacket and headed for the exit. "I'll drive."

"Sorry, Liv, but I think I'll have to pass. The sitter called and said that Jesse's having some stomach problems. Is it alright if I take a couple of hours off?"

"Sure. Go and check on her."

The blonde smiled appreciatively and Olivia wondered if she should postpone her visit after all. Fin and Sonny were getting some well-deserved rest after keeping watch on Rafael’s room all night, and there was no one else she could ask to tag along.

_I can't go there alone. Not to his hotel room._

It was a line she didn't want to cross, and she didn't think he'd want that either. She could always go with Fin and Sonny at another time. She could always call Rafael to check if he was doing alright. Maybe he'd overslept and would finally respond to her text message later. There were a million logical reasons not to go.

However, she laid eyes on the In Memoriam poster from Mike's funeral that now hung on the wall of the squad room and realised that sitting around in her office wasn't going to do her any good. She thought about the looks she'd exchanged with Rafael at the reception; the toll that the threats was taking on the both of them. She'd already lost one life that week, and the possibility of losing another was too painful to fathom. _Fuck the boundaries_ \- she wasn't about to let her friend suffer and worry alone in his hotel room when his life was at risk. That thought stayed with her as she got into her car and sped off.

An hour later, she nodded at the officers stationed outside the door and tightened her grip on the paper bag of supplies she'd purchased on her way uptown - a bottle of scotch, one-pound bag of Trader Joe's pretzels (Rafael had made a habit of eating his way through the break room snack jars), and bagel from his favourite cart near the precinct. Had she overstepped with the food? It seemed perfectly reasonable when she was in the check-out line, but now that she was standing a few feet from him, she didn't know anymore. The skies had opened up shortly after she left the precinct, mirroring the general mood of that week, and she'd made the rookie mistake of leaving her umbrella in her office. Now she was dripping water all over the hallway carpet with her heart pounding in her chest. It'd be stupid to turn back now.

Olivia took a deep breath and knocked. There was no response, although she could hear his footsteps on the other side of the door.

"Rafael, can I come in please?" she asked nervously. She wasn't sure if he could hear her.

Rafael rubbed his tired eyes and stared at her through the peephole and his heart raced. She'd braved the rain to look for him. She'd brought scotch (he'd recognise that packaging from a mile away). She was alone.

They _both_ were hurting.

It was a dangerous combination.

That didn't stop him from opening the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little cliffhanger for you all! 
> 
> the new school semester is starting this week, but i'll be doing my absolute best to update this story weekly! (it's a good and much-needed distraction from class, ha.)


	7. Seeking Solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loss and grief bring Olivia and Rafael together in unexpected ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everyone for your patience! ❤️ here's another long chapter for you all. i just survived the first week of the new school semester, and should be able to keep to weekly updates for the time being. 
> 
> i really hope you enjoy this chapter, and as always say hi at @immen_sity on Twitter!
> 
> content note: mentions of (canon) death and violence

The door flung open and Olivia and Rafael stood face-to-face, drinking in the presence of the other in a tense, expectant silence.

He stared at the corridor behind her to check if she'd really come alone, half-expecting Amanda Rollins to appear from around the corner. But all he saw were the two armed officers standing guard outside his door, and the solitary figure of Olivia Benson, clad in her raincoat, holding what looked like a heavy paper bag, and dripping water all over the ground.

It really was her.

This was exactly the kind of situation they both agreed was dangerous, but she'd come to see him anyway.

His heart thumped loudly in his chest and a voice in his head screamed at him to turn her away _now_ \- to say no to this before they both did something they'd regret; before they got too deep in to turn back again.

 _We can't be doing this_.

"Can I come in, please?" she asked again, this time more softly and cautiously.

She looked at him imploringly - whether it was just because of her drenched state or she wanted more than just shelter from the rain, he didn’t know, but something about the way she was standing before him, so vulnerable and unguarded, made it impossible for him, against every of his instincts, to turn her away.

_Fuck it._

Dangerous or not, he wasn't about to leave her standing in the hallway without at least giving her a chance to dry off. He silently nodded his approval, ushered her in, and handed her a clean towel from the bathroom while she shed her dripping wet raincoat. She awkwardly stood by the edge of the bed and dried herself off, while he took a seat on the solitary chair by the desk. He didn't know how long she was planning on staying, and wasn’t quite sure how to ask either.

Lightning and thunder crashed outside, startling both of them. _Pathetic fallacy - the attribution of human feelings and responses to inanimate things or animals, especially in art and literature_ , he recited to himself, mind wandering briefly to his freshman year English seminars. Just the day for it to pour. Rain usually was little more than a nuisance for him (longer waits for an Uber, his usual coffee stand closed earlier, he hated getting his suits wet), but with the recent air of loss and grief, the weather made the air feel especially mournful. They stewed in their melancholy, averting direct eye contact, until Olivia realised she still was clutching the paper bag she'd brought with her.

"I brought a few things," she finally said, breaking the silence, and stood up to place the damp bag on the table, next to the stacks of case files that he clearly hadn't touched at all. Rafael watched intently as she unpacked its contents: a one-pound bag of his favourite pretzels from Trader Joe's. A small box of the mints he always kept in his office and ate compulsively before he went to court. A foil packet that smelled like an everything bagel with bacon, egg and cheese, like he ordered almost every morning.

Scotch.

He'd stopped drinking scotch regularly after their encounter that night over a month ago, but he decided not to tell her that - she'd probably splurged on a brand new bottle, and his gratefulness for the gesture outweighed his embarrassment. He imagined her running from store to store looking for a bottle, and winced thinking of her getting drenched in the rain just for his sake. How did he deserve a person like her? Yet the recent awkwardness made him hesitate expressing that to her so openly.

Olivia turned to him concernedly, still wondering if she'd overstepped with the food and scotch, but relief washed over her when she saw him smile and heard his voice for the first time since she’d stepped through the door. "Thank you," he finally said, softly and sincerely.

With the tension in the room eased slightly, she took a seat on the edge of the king-sized bed and attempted to make herself comfortable, although neither of them missed her conscious attempt to sit a few feet away from him. "Are you hungry?" She gestured at the wrapped packet on the desk. "Bacon, egg, cheese on an everything bagel."

It smelled delicious, but the thought of putting anything into his stomach sent a wave of nausea up his oesophagus, especially when the familiar aroma only made him think of 60 Centre Street - which he now associated with the menacing face of Felipe Heredio. Being kicked out of his condo at 2am also had a way of making him forget about his hunger. "Thank you, Liv, but I'm not hungry."

She frowned hearing that. "You sure? Have you had anything to eat today?"

"No... but I'm really not in the mood to eat now. Maybe later."

It was understandable. She quickly dropped the subject and put the bagel back on the desk. "How's this room treating you?" She looked around and inspected his temporary home more closely - it wasn't the Ritz, but for a Midtown hotel room, it was surprisingly clean and comfortable. The bed was unmade and he'd haphazardly thrown his open suitcase on the floor by the television; from the looks of it, he hadn’t had much time to pack. For the first time since she'd arrived, she realised that he still was clad in his pyjamas - Harvard T-shirt, sweatpants - and that they looked eerily similar to the ones he'd pulled on the morning she woke up in his bed.

Actually, they looked like the _exact_ same set from that day, and between the lure of the bed she was sitting on and residual awkwardness between them, her stomach churned nervously.

"It's alright for now, but let's see how long I can last in here before I lose my mind..." He attempted a casual laugh, but the gravity of the situation that had brought him to his very hotel room quickly overwhelmed him. "... however long I have to be here."

Olivia wished she had an answer to that - judging from the size of the suitcase he'd packed and stacks of case files on the desk, he clearly was expecting to be in this room indefinitely. "The Gang Unit is on it. They're trying to get to the bottom of all this... but at least we have Heredio in custody. I'll call their captain later and ask them to rush this."

"Thank you," he replied, although she knew that it wasn't much comfort. Gang-related investigations often could drag on for weeks or even months, and although all they really needed to do was make sure that the threats against Rafael directly came to an end, being displaced from his home and office without much of a timeline wasn't ideal.

"We'll try to get you back to your apartment as soon as possible. Or at the very least, back to your office. I'll talk to the guys at Threat Assessment too, try to work something out."

Rafael struggled to find words that weren't yet another "thank you". He was so grateful for Olivia and to hear the steely, detective-mode determination in her voice as she talked about addressing the threats, but the feeling of being stuck in this hotel room with nothing else to do but wait around for progress and thank her grated on him. She technically wasn't even in charge of handling this - Amanda and Sonny were the ones on the case. Yet here she was, carving out time from her work day to not only pay him a visit uptown, but also stop by the grocery _and_ alcohol stores on the way. He detested his own helplessness; maybe even felt _annoyed_ at the SVU lieutenant, even though he knew very well that it was selfish of him to feel that. She had so many more things to worry about, and still she was here, with him, making sure that _he_ was fine.

She frowned when he remained silent, and noticed his silenced cell phone charging on the nightstand. “I was so worried when you didn’t respond to my text this morning."

He looked at her quizzically - what text was she talking about? Then he remembered: he’d fallen asleep and hadn’t checked his phone all morning. “I’m sorry, Liv. I was asleep," he said apologetically, although his growing annoyance with the situation at hand (or her - he wasn't sure) threatened to bubble over the more he stared at her concerned expression. "I took a nap after Fin and Carisi checked on me," he clarified, this time more emphatically.

Olivia's eyes moved to the messy, crumpled sheets; he could sense her trying to determine whether or not he was being truthful, and that brief, but telling, look, caused something in him to snap. "Fin and Carisi were here all night and there are officers right outside the door. _Nothing_ was going to happen in the last few hours, Liv. You really didn’t have to come all the way here."

"I still have very good reason to be worried, Rafael. Someone tried to break into your apartment building, and they were armed," she retorted, raising her voice slightly. “They know where you live!”

 _Doesn’t she realise that this is literally all that’s been on my mind since last night?_ "But they didn't manage to get into the building, did they? And no one got hurt. That's all that matters. This situation sucks, but I'm still alive. And safe. I know you’re just doing your job, but you don’t have to get worked up over me like that,” he replied, further annoyance and frustration seeping into his tone.

“This isn’t just me doing my job, Rafael. I can’t even be concerned for _my friend_ now?”

He softened instantly hearing that - she still considered him her _friend_ , even after all that’d happened between them, and that admission of a more personal concern for him chipped away at his annoyance. “It’s just... you have a lot on your plate, Liv,” he pointed out.

"That doesn't mean I can't show concern for you too."

"I know, Liv, but I just don't want to add to your problems."

"You’re not a “problem”, Rafael. What else am I supposed to do, anyway?" she retaliated. "Not care? Make you wait in here alone until we sort this out? I'm going crazy, Rafael. I _want_ to care about you. I see Dodds lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood whenever I close my eyes. I keep hearing Chief Dodds and Alice crying. I just want to _not_ think about it, even for a few minutes..." her voice trailed off.

Rafael instantly was transported back to the hospital waiting room; the blood stains on Chief Dodds's shirt, the way he crumpled to the floor in front of the squad when Mike’s mother arrived. Olivia's eyes welled up with tears, and he knew she was thinking about the exact same things he was, but she quickly caught herself and wiped her eyes. "But I didn't come here to talk about all that. I just want - no, need - to make sure _you're_ okay too."

 _Changing the subject._ Rafael never liked the sound of that. He sensed the wealth of emotion she was hiding - the tension in her body; the way she nervously tapped her foot against the carpet and stared at her hands. Olivia was good at keeping a lid on her emotions, but he could read her like no one else could, and all he wanted was for her to be honest with him. He didn’t care about the ongoing tension between them anymore - this wasn’t the time for them to tip-toe around each other.

He shifted his chair closer to her and leaned in assuringly. "Liv, you know you can talk to me about anything. You shouldn't have to go through this alone."

"Oh, so you're Dr. Lindstrom now?" she fired back without thinking. She winced hearing herself, but the concerned expression on Rafael’s face reminded her a little too much of sitting in front of her therapist.

"I'm not saying I am..." he started, but she quickly interrupted him, a ripple of irritation coursing through her.

"Don't look at me like that, Rafael," she snapped. _Like a victim. A damsel in distress._ "I don't want your pity."

"You know me better than that, Liv. I _never_ see you that way." Hurt flashed through his eyes, and she instantly regretted snapping at him. She _did_ know him better than that. He wasn't one to partake in any Olivia Benson pity parties, and that was one of the most important reasons they'd become such good. friends in the first place. He didn't deserve to bear the brunt of her frustration.

"Plus..." he added knowingly, after a long pause, "... I know you came all the way here for a reason."

Something in her must have shifted, because he watched the steeliness and hostility in her eyes turn to vulnerability in an instant. "I'm sorry, Rafael. This has been... really, really hard," she confessed, voice trembling with each word. He got up from the chair and took a seat next to her on the bed, and their increased physical closeness only made her crumble even more.

He was right. All morning she'd convinced herself that she wanted to make the trip to see him in order to check on _him,_ but even if she didn't admit it to herself, she wanted - _needed_ \- his comfort just as much as he did. Rafael Barba always had a way of making her honest in ways that Brian Cassidy or even Ed Tucker didn't - how did he do it? Even after the awkward month they'd just had, his green eyes had a way of stirring emotion in her; of piercing her soul and making her feel _seen_.

It was precisely that honesty that had brought them over the edge and set the awkwardness in motion, but something about this conversation - and his gentle, comforting presence - made it feel so _right_.

Rafael inched closer to her, still careful not to touch her, but close enough that she almost felt the warmth radiating from his skin. Oh, how badly she wanted him to lean in and embrace her; to cry on his shoulder and let her pent-up emotions from the last few days spill out. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out - her tongue felt like lead, and emotion overwhelmed her mind to the point that she couldn't think of where to begin. The gunshot, the funeral, the bar... all of it blurred into one.

"Liv..." he started, but before he could finish his sentence, she suddenly burst into tears, startling him.

"I killed Mike Dodds, Rafael," she choked. "He wouldn't be dead if not for me. I shouldn't have left him alone in the house..."

"Liv, Liv, listen to me." Olivia sounded so pained that all thoughts of maintaining a physical boundary exited his head immediately. He put his hands on her shoulders, looked directly into her eyes, and spoke to her calmly and steadily. "You _didn't_ kill Mike Dodds. You couldn't have known about the other gun; about Munson holding his wife and Dodds hostage,” he asserted to no avail.

"I watched Dodds get Mike's blood all over his shirt. I watched Mike's condition deteriorate right before my eyes. I was right there in the room with Alice and Dodds when the monitor flatlined. How can I not blame myself? How do I forget the sound of him crying when he told me that they were keeping the machines on only for Mike's organs? He's dead because of me, Rafael,” she repeated, voice shaking with remorse and despair.

He kept one hand firmly on her shoulder and gently cupped her face with the other. "You couldn't have seen this coming. This is _all_ on Gary Munson. _He_ shot Mike Dodds, and you didn't have control over that. You made a decision based on the information you had at the time."

Rafael was right, but that didn't do much to assuage her guilt. "I saw the way Chief Dodds looked at me. He's never going to forgive me for this," she said sadly.

"Dodds needs time and space to get over this, Liv. He’s hurting in his own way - he _needs_ to hurt in his own way. And _you_ can't control that either. This isn't on you, and even if Dodds says that, it's still not your fault. You deserve to take care of yourself.”

Olivia buried her head in Rafael's shoulder and he felt her tears seep through the thin material of his T-shirt. Instinctively he wrapped his arms around her and let her sink into him, inhaling the scent of her perfume. For a split-second his heart raced realising that this was the most physical contact they'd had since that earth-shattering night, but he quickly caught himself - this wasn't the time or place to think of that. Her muffled sobs quickly jolted him back to reality, and he gently rubbed her back until he felt her calm down.

She wiped her tears away with the sleeve of her blouse, realising quickly that Rafael still had his arms around her, but she didn't free herself from his embrace. Something about his presence felt profoundly calming - all the evenings they'd spent working on cases together had made her realise a long time ago that she enjoyed his company, but in one of the saddest weeks of her life, the warmth of his embrace was especially reassuring and soothing.

"The funeral... it was hard," she said quietly.

"I know, Liv." The looks they'd exchanged in the hospital waiting room and then at the bar after the service were burned into his memory - the way her eyes brimmed with a soul-shattering combination of tears and unspoken words; how her shoulders slumped when she thought no one was looking. He rubbed her back soothingly to quell her pained sobs. "I know," he repeated.

"Mike's last day at SVU and this happens... He was so young, Rafael. I should have stayed in the house." She stared at the floor and suppressed another sob. "I should have stayed in the house…”

"Liv, look at me." He lowered his voice to a soothing whisper and she turned to him with damp, imploring eyes. "You kept both of the kids out of harm's way. You're the reason Lisa Munson still has a family. And if you'd been in that house... what about Noah? Noah needs his mother..."

 _And I need you,_ he thought.

His mention of Noah instantly calmed her down. Even with all the loss of the past week, thinking about her son - still so innocent and untouched by the horrors of her job and even his own past - always warmed her heart. Olivia and Rafael sat in silence, his hand never leaving her back, as he processed the exchange they'd just had.

Rafael chewed on his lip nervously and stared out the window at the busy street below, suddenly pensive and contemplative. "You know, sitting in that chapel that day really made me think."

"What about?"

"We've seen a lot of loss, haven't we?" The string of violence he'd seen since arriving at SVU flashed through his head, just like it had during the service: Johnny D. Judge Barth. Noah and Lucy, almost. Amaro and Rollins, even. Those didn't even include the numerous threats and minor injuries they'd received on the job, not to mention her harrowing ordeal with William Lewis, and close shave at the townhouse from a few months ago. Realising that Olivia hadn't _yet_ been shot in the line of duty didn't bring him much comfort. Not to mention that _he_ now was a target of threats. When were they going to catch a break?

Rafael knew that Olivia was thinking about the exact same events that he was. "We have," she muttered, tone brooding and melancholy. "Sometimes, I don't know what to think about all of this anymore. I’m exhausted,” she admitted.

"I don't, either. Especially this week..."

Her voice dipped to a distressed whisper. "I'm worried about you, Rafael. I don't know what I'd do if I lose you too. Especially now."

Friction from earlier now smoothed over, he decided that it was his turn to come clean about all he’d been feeling too. "I was so scared when Heredio cornered me in the courthouse elevator, Liv. He just slipped in as I was heading downstairs, and I looked at the alarm button and he told me that it wasn't going to help me. I felt… so paralysed. Helpless." He'd told Amanda and Sonny about the incident that day, but this was his first time telling _anyone_ \- not even his own mother - what really went through his head during that elevator ride. "Said I've made so many enemies that I'll never know who sent him, and that I won't hear... the bullet that's coming for me."

"God, Rafael." Even after Amanda and Sonny briefed her on what'd happened at the courthouse that afternoon, she didn't have all the details, and hearing them from Rafael himself made them especially bone-chilling.

"And I was so distracted by Pastrino and the CO union and my _fucking_ phone... I didn't even notice him follow me into the elevator, Liv. What if he had a knife? What if he'd snuck a gun into the courthouse? I might not even be here to talk to you about this now," he added, voice trembling. “And he was paid by someone to threaten me. I don’t know who else could be behind this.”

The thought of Rafael getting stabbed or God forbid, shot, sent a wave of horror through her. She was terrified for him, but she _had_ to do something about this. She _could_ do something about this. "I'm going to make sure that the Gang Unit and Threat Assessment sort this out for you, Rafael. We'll keep you out of harm’s way."

He could hear her fear, but her eyes were resolute and determined, and he realised he felt _safe_ looking into them. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Liv."

"We'll sort this out, hopefully sooner than later. You'll be out of here."

"I've never been threatened like this... what if they'd broken into my apartment? What if I'd lost my life, just like _that_ , before we became friends again? Before we settled whatever's going on between us?" he admitted with a lump in his throat. He anxiously looked at her, wondering if she was on the same page, and was reassured when he saw her wordless agreement. His eyes, now beckoning and tender, met hers. "When the threats came, when Mike was in the hospital, when we were at the funeral… I was terrified. When I sat in that church, staring at Mike's portrait, I realised that I can't lose you too. I hate that things between us are like this now. I don’t want them to be this way. Everything this week felt too close for comfort."

"I know. Everything feels like it's gone to utter shit lately. You have no idea how much I hate this - so many times I just wanted that arrangement we made in the park to screw off and for us to be friends again. Because there's been so much loss…” she choked, “I'm sorry for showing up here and getting worked up, but I can't keep you at arm's length anymore."

She paused for a second, deliberating whether or not to say it, but eventually did.

"I’ve missed you, Rafael."

He broke out into a sad - but relieved - smile. "I’ve missed you too, Liv."

Green eyes met brown and they moved closer to each other, his arm still around her shoulders. She allowed herself to cling onto him for support, their quiet breaths the only sound in the room. His hand drew circles on her upper arm, and she luxuriated in the smell of his cologne and feeling of his soft cotton T-shirt against her skin. The loss, grief, Ed, Dodds... all those problems suddenly felt smaller in his embrace, and she focussed on how warm and steadying his breath felt against her temple. Having her closest friend back was a source of relief she hadn't even realised she desperately needed, especially in a week like this. It'd been hell without him by her side like he always was, but she had him with her right _now_ , and that was enough.

"When do you need to get back to the precinct?" he asked, suddenly conscious of the time. Rain continued to pour mercilessly outside the window, and he hoped that it meant she could delay her return. He didn't want to let go of her - without all the frenzy of the precinct or his office and Ed Tucker around to watch him like a hawk, this was the most time he'd had with Olivia in weeks, and by far the most connected they'd felt.

And judging by her contented expression, she didn't want to leave either.

"I don't have to be back yet. Just hold me, please," she whispered, and he gratefully obliged.

* * *

By the time Amanda returned to the precinct, having realised that Jesse's "stomach problems" really were just a combination of fussy eating and a brand-new sitter, she immediately peeked into Olivia's office and realised that she _still_ wasn't back. Over two hours had gone by, and it seemed like an awfully long time to spend alone with Barba in his room - if she was still there, that is - especially when they didn't have a case to discuss.

She noticed Sonny sitting at his desk, freshly showered and hunched over some routine paperwork. "Sonny, have you seen Liv today?" Maybe she'd popped out of the precinct again after returning from her visit to Barba.

Sonny shook his head. "Nope. Maybe Tucker came by to take her out to lunch, like he always does."

"Weird. When I left this morning she was going to visit Barba in the hotel. She's probably still there. Hope Tucker doesn't come by and freak when he realises she's gone."

Visualising Ed Tucker "freaking out" reminded him of the awkward interaction they'd had with him in the hospital waiting room when they had him wake Olivia up to talk about Felipe Heredio. "You noticed how weird he was about us waking Liv up to follow up on the Barba threats, right?" he leaned in and whispered. "Like he was possessive of Liv, or hates Barba enough that he doesn't want Liv to get involved in his business. Or… like he's jealous of Barba?”

"Jealous sounds about right. Brian Cassidy definitely was jealous of Barba," Amanda pointed out. Sonny hadn't been around for that, but he'd heard all about his tumultuous relationship with Olivia, and him being the jealous type was completely in character for him. "Not surprised if Tucker feels the same, especially _after_ Barba disclosed his relationship with Liv to 1PP. I was just telling Fin the other day that things have been _weird_ lately. Tucker keeps showing up here, and Liv and Barba are barely talking. What's gotten into them? The investigation was ages ago. It may be something else."

"Maybe I should ask Barba about it the next time I see him," Sonny contemplated out loud.

" _You_ ask him?" she laughed. "Please, like Barba's going to confide in the person who's been bugging him about legal stuff all year. Seriously, though, we'll have to get to the bottom of this sometime."

Sonny furrowed his eyebrows and lowered his voice. "You think something's wrong?"

"Liv, Tucker and Barba. _Something_ happened for sure. I can't put a finger on it, but god damn, things have been awkward lately," Amanda replied with a frown.

"You know what would be weird? If Tucker shows up here looking for Liv and we have to tell him that you last saw her when she left to visit Barba. Maybe she's arguing with him in his room right now," Sonny joked.

"Or they could be passionately making out," Amanda deadpanned sarcastically, to which Sonny glared at her. "I'm not suggesting Liv _cheat_ on Ed Tucker, good Catholic boy. But don't tell me that you honestly didn't expect Liv and Barba to get together at some point. The way they look... or looked... at each other..."

"I don't hate Ed Tucker as much as you do, Manda, but yeah - Liv and Barba would make a pretty good pair," he admitted.

"See, I knew I was on to something," she winked. _Of course Liv won't cheat on Ed,_ Amanda thought, but she could speculate until Liv and Tucker inevitably broke up.

* * *

Rafael didn't know how much time had passed, but he didn't care when he had Olivia Benson in his arms.

The rain had subsided to a light drizzle and the storm clouds were starting to clear, but they clung to each other tightly, exchanging nary a word. He was safe in this room, and he'd finally been able to talk to Olivia about everything that was going on. It felt as though a massive weight had been taken off his shoulders, and feeling her chest gently rise and fall against his arm filled him with a peaceful contentment he didn't think was possible under these circumstances.

"Liv?" he whispered.

"Mmm?" she responded, without looking up at him.

"Thank you for coming."

"I'm glad I did." He could feel her smile.

After their restful silence, Rafael suddenly felt alive to her again - the way her brown eyes sparkled in the light, her soft and warm skin, the lilt in her voice. He'd never held someone like this before, but it felt like he'd been doing this for years, from the way they were leaning on each other. He drank in the sight of her face, now so close to his, recalling the way her soft lips felt. His memories of the night they’d shared were starting to fade and blur with time, but he'd never forget the first brush of her lips against his, their tongues touching; the way her brown eyes stared into his as she undressed and caressed him.

He'd never get to experience that again, but God, how he loved this woman. Even if he couldn't love her in that way, he still was going to relish every moment he had with her.

Olivia looked up at him - the light was back in her eyes, and he loved seeing her lips curl into an enigmatic, alluring smile. He tried desperately to read her expression: Adoration? Gratefulness? Comfort? Longing?

_Desire?_

Their faces inched closer and closer, eyes not parting even for a split-second. He almost could feel the warmth of her breath against his skin, and...

_Bzzzzz._

Olivia's phone buzzed repeatedly and clattered noisily against the glass tabletop of the desk, abruptly breaking the silence. She didn't want to move - her legs felt like lead and she was _so_ comfortable in Rafael's arms - but it quickly became apparent that she was going to have to pick up.

"Fuck," she muttered under her breath, and got up from the bed to answer the call. "Fin?"

Rafael watched her eyes fill with a mix of disappointment and annoyance. "Okay. I'm heading back now,” she muttered.

She slipped her phone back into her pocket and sighed. "I need to go. Work calls."

He hid the disappointment in his voice. Of all the times to get called back to work, _now._ But he wasn't going to keep her in this room and away from what definitely sounded more important than keeping him company. "I get it, Liv. Go."

She looked at him apologetically, and he could have sworn that for just a second, the same longing he'd seen in her eyes just a minute ago flashed through them once more.

"I'll be back later."

She put her raincoat back on and slipped out the door, but not before casting him a long, lingering glance.

The bagel that she'd brought him, now cold and stale, lay untouched on the table, next to the pretzels and mints and unopened scotch bottle - evidence that she'd actually been there. It wasn't a dream.

He collapsed back onto the unmade bed and felt himself sink into it - he was absolutely _exhausted_ , and the stacks of case files on the desk suddenly felt trivial in comparison to the sheer intensity of the conversation they'd just had. His throat was parched, eyes swollen and heavy. He could have sworn that they were dangerously close to kissing _again_ \- fucking things up even more than they had to _again_.

So why did it feel so damn good?

* * *

The bagel remained untouched on the desk until he heard the same familiar knock at his door six hours later.

This time, he didn't make her wait - he flung the door open, almost too quickly, and was greeted by Olivia in the exact same clothes as earlier, this time holding a bag of what looked and smelled like take-out from Forlini's. He couldn’t resist breaking out into a smile when he saw her. She’d really come back.

“Hey, I hope you’ve worked up an appetite,” she smiled. She looked like she was in higher spirits, which came as a relief after that very heartfelt and emotionally-charged exchange they’d had earlier that day. All he wanted was a light-hearted evening with a friend.

Rafael’s stomach growled and he realised he’d gone the entire afternoon without eating anything. He’d spent a few hours looking at case files and watching whatever was on HBO, but hadn’t thought to eat after all the tears he’d cried that morning. “How did you get take-out from Forlini’s? They’ve _never_ let me do that.”

“I twisted Anthony’s arm. I didn’t think you’d want a whole steak - they don’t travel well, anyway - so I got you some pasta.” She unbagged two containers of food - spaghetti for him, ravioli for her - and the aroma wafted through the room, whetting his appetite for the first time in many hours.

“You know me so well.” She’d even brought him a pesto-based pasta, knowing how much he disliked tomato-based sauces, and beamed realising that. “Thank you.”

“Also - I’d have brought wine or something to drink, but they didn’t let me get that to-go,” she added apologetically.

“That’s fine - you’ve already bought the drinks.” He pointed at the untouched, unopened bottle of scotch on the desk. Was it wise to suggest they open it up? He could almost taste it on her breath once again, burning and lingering on his lips, as they silently contemplated the possibilities.

“Pour me a glass,” she finally said. “I could use one after today.”

He retrieved two glasses - the solitary one from the hotel mini-bar, and another brand-new one from Olivia’s paper bag. The exact same brand and make of glass he kept in his office; the one he’d shattered in his rage and frustration a few weeks ago. She’d bought him a brand new one. Was this a sign? He quickly pushed that thought to the back of his head and opened the bottle, the amber liquid trickling slowly into each glass and aroma burning his nostrils. It’d been so long since he’d last poured himself - or her - a glass, and the otherwise simple gesture suddenly took on a ceremonial importance. The end of their unofficial Cold War; the fall of the Berlin Wall of their friendship. Suddenly, it didn’t pain him to think of this drink anymore.

They sipped slowly in between bites of food. “How was work today?” he asked in an attempt to lighten the mood. It was an odd question - usually he was privy to her work or deeply involved in it, but being in this room all day and on leave made him feel completely removed from the squad all of a sudden.

Olivia stared at her half-finished ravioli, unsure if she should tell him that Chief Dodds had come by to retrieve his son’s things from his desk, and that there was nary a dry eye in the squad room - even from the usually stoic Fin. She took a drink from her glass and contemplated her words. “Chief Dodds came by, and… you know. It’s going to take some time to get used to seeing him around.”

“It’s still raw, Liv. Everyone’s going to need some time to process things.”

If it’d been Ed, or even Amanda or Sonny, saying this to her, she’d silently curse at them for being preachy. But from Rafael, it was sagacious and calming. She nodded slightly and turned her attention to her half-eaten pasta. “Wanna turn the TV on for a bit?” she suggested.

Rafael sensed that all she wanted was a distraction from the day, and immediately reached for the remote on the bed. The first channel that appeared on the screen was the Food Network, which was replaying episodes of Cupcake Wars. Neither of them cared much for it, but it was a light-hearted distraction, and they chewed on their pasta to the backdrop of commentary about icing consistency, cake batter, and marzipan toppers.

“You know, I’m a pretty good baker,” he remarked, as the judges deliberated between the final two contestants.

“Self-praise is no-praise, Rafael,” she retorted sarcastically.

“Ask my colleagues at the Brooklyn DA’s office. I think my baked goods aren’t too shabby.”

“Why haven’t you ever baked things for _us_?” Olivia pouted. Imagining Rafael standing in his kitchen, wearing an apron and dusted in flour and icing sugar, made her giggle.

“Well, you’ve never asked,” he joked. “I’ll make something for you and Noah once I’m out of here. What do you like? Brownies? Cupcakes? Cookies? You name it, I’ll make it.”

She smiled appreciatively - she never had time to bake, and she was sure Noah would appreciate a homemade sweet treat. “Where did you learn how to bake?”

“My mom baked stuff for her students all the time before she became principal of the charter school. Taught me quite a few recipes and tricks.”

“You’re going to have to teach me, then,” she laughed. “I can’t bake to save my life. I’m probably the only mom who can’t.” Usually, it didn’t bother her, but she thought of the other moms at daycare and Noah’s future grade school - a few more years and she’d probably be fussing over this. She shuddered a little thinking about it.

“Well, not many moms catch the city’s worst sexual predators or get confessions out of difficult suspects, so I’d say you hold your own,” he said sincerely. “You’ll make one hell of a Career Day speaker.”

His compliment, as casual and off-handed as it was, warmed her heart. She’d been so caught up in the events of the last few weeks that she’d almost forgotten what it meant to be good at her job. “That means a lot to me. Thank you.”

“Always, Liv.”

“Thanks for distracting me. I really needed it today.” She hadn’t thought about Mike Dodds or Heredio in nearly an hour, which said a lot about Rafael’s ability to calm her down. Already she felt some tension flee her body, and she’d even finished the pasta she’d ordered after a couple of days of not eating well. She snuck a peek at Rafael’s take-out container and was pleasantly surprised to see that he’d finished his pasta as well - seeing him get some of his usual voracious appetite back was a relief indeed.

Rafael bagged the empty containers and tossed him in the nearby trash can. “Thank _you_ for dinner. And for the scotch,” he added, waving his half-finished glass in the air. “And for visiting. Being stuck in this room for 24 hours a day sucks less when I have company.”

“It’s the least I can do.” She lifted her glass and clinked it against his. “Let’s hope this ends soon.”

Stomachs and hearts full, they sipped the rest of their scotch slowly and enjoyed the peaceful silence that now fell over the room. Even the busy street below seemed quieter than usual, and Olivia realised it was the first time in days that she felt _truly_ at ease. Rafael smiled to himself seeing her relax, although he couldn’t help but wonder when she’d have to leave. It was already past 8.30pm, and surely she had to get home to Noah before it got too late. And what about Ed Tucker? She hadn’t mentioned him at all the whole day, and he was surprised that he hadn’t called asking where she was - he’d seemed awfully clingy of late, and Rafael wasn’t surprised.

But Rafael wasn’t going to bring either of those topics up unless she did. As selfish as he felt about enjoying her company at this time of the night, the contentment and happiness he was feeling easily outweighed anything else. He had no way of controlling how Ed Tucker would react, and if Olivia didn’t seem to care, he wasn’t going to care either, especially after the extreme circumstances of the week, which were far more important than romantic drama could ever be. He finished the last of his glass of scotch, feeling it tingle as it slid down the back of his throat, and smiled at Olivia, who’d just finished her glass as well. She gently placed the glass back on the desk and took her seat back next to him - so close that their thighs almost touched.

They’d turned the television off after the episode ended, and the room was once again silent. He set his glass down on the table, next to hers, and they sat side-by-side, unsure of what to do or say next, but savouring a rare moment of tranquility before a new day started and they’d have to return to reality. Rafael shifted closer to her and she didn’t flinch - he inhaled deeply, drinking in her scent, her brown eyes, her warm, scotch-scented breath. She stared into his green eyes, now tender and vulnerable and full of love, and recalled how his lips brushed against hers when she'd leaned in to kiss him that night over a month ago. She gazed at the faint hint of stubble on his chin; the gentle flare of his nostrils as he inhaled sharply. The longing looks they’d exchanged right before she left the room that afternoon suddenly came back and filled them with breathless anticipation.

She was _safe_ with Rafael Barba, and the tragedy of the past week felt a million miles away.

He was _safe_ with Olivia Benson, and no number of unwelcome threats from Felipe Heredio and BX9 could shake the love and adoration he had for this woman. In fact, he realised, it only made his love burn stronger.

This time, he made the first move.

Rafael slowly pressed his lips to Olivia's, his stubble lightly grazing her chin. He waited for a split-second until he felt her lips press back, and the familiar burn of leftover scotch on the tip of his tongue, which sent a ripple of electricity through his body. He didn’t know how he hadn’t craved more of this after the night they’d slept together. She closed her eyes and luxuriated in his scent and touch, her mind racing with anticipation and desire.

He didn't let the pit of hot desire in the recesses of his stomach take over. She ignored the rush of heat to her core and focussed on his face; the way his hands felt on her upper arms. There was no impulsive heat; no vigorous lust. Instead, he gently brought his hands to her face, cupping it gingerly, and kissed her the way he always wished he could: slow, sweet, tender, _loving_.

Olivia fought the desire to open her eyes and stare at Rafael; to snap back to reality and remind herself that this was the way she kissed Ed Tucker, not Rafael Barba. She loved Ed, didn't she? Her night with Rafael had been one of pure debauchery, fuelled by a heady mix of lust, desire, and anger, right?

But the way Rafael was holding her so lovingly, and how their lips met like fire and ice, and the conversation they'd had in this tiny room: it was the most alert, the most alive, she'd felt in days; heck, in weeks or even months. Olivia silenced the voice in her head telling her to keep her emotional walls up; to continue punishing herself for what had happened to Mike Dodds, or between her and Ed. She surrendered to the warmth and comfort of Rafael's embrace and lips on hers and basked in their newfound intimacy.

She let him love her.

Every kiss that he planted on her lips felt like a healing balm that closed her gaping emotional wounds.

Lips caressing. _There was no Munson house debacle._

His hands gently running through her hair. _Mike Dodds hadn't died._

His stubble against her chin. _Ed wasn't suffocating her._

Her legs tangled up in his. _Heredio had never threatened Rafael_.

Tongues touching. _This was exactly where she wanted to be - not with Ed, not pretending Rafael was Ed. She was all Rafael's_.

The kisses grew increasingly passionate and loving, and their embraces tighter, but they were no less tender than the first gentle caress he'd initiated.

They finally pulled away for air, arms still locked in an embrace. Hesitation and anxiety suddenly flashed through his eyes again. Was she going to recoil in disgust when the enormity of what she'd done - _again_ \- sank in? Was she going to stand up and leave? Or - he couldn't even fathom this - was this the final nail in the coffin of their wildly tumultuous relationship? The next few seconds felt agonisingly long; his stomach was in knots waiting for her reaction. Her eyes drifted to the digital clock on the nightstand, and the pit in his stomach settled as he watched her deliberate her next move.

But none of the hatred, regret or pain he'd expected to see flashed through her eyes, which took him by surprise. _What on earth is she thinking?_

"It's getting late. I'd better get home to Noah," she finally said matter-of-factly, with nary a hint of emotion in her voice.

Rafael looked at her questioningly - he still didn't know what was running through her head. He followed her every movement intently as she calmly and wordlessly got up from the bed, retrieved her jacket from the floor, and made her way towards the door. She opened the door and his stomach lurched once again: he wasn't sure if he could live with himself if they parted ways like this. Being alone in the hotel room all day long was doing enough to his head, and he felt a pang of pain in his chest thinking about how he’d spend the next few days alone if he didn’t get any closure from this.

Still, he watched as she fiddled with the buttons of her jacket and headed towards the hallway, imagining the feeling of his lips on hers and feeling himself sink into the mattress. Had they really just kissed, sitting on the edge of this very bed?

Had _he_ really just kissed her, sitting on the edge of this very bed?

"Rafael?"

Her voice roused him back to reality and he sat up a little straighter. "Yeah, Liv?"

She already was halfway out the door, but he could make out the tiniest of smiles on her face. "Can I come back tomorrow?"

Did that mean what he thought it did?

“Of course, Liv.” He wanted to press her for details, thank her again for coming, even beg her to return, but she was gone before he could get another word in.

His brain was buzzing with emotion and he could barely think coherently, but God, he couldn’t wait for tomorrow to arrive.


	8. Turning Tides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia and Rafael continue to grow closer while her relationship with Ed starts to deteriorate rapidly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy Sunday, everyone! i hope you all enjoy this chapter - school's going to be pretty busy this week, but i'm hoping to have chapter 9 up by the weekend. 😊 thank you so much for your continued support and love; i love reading all your comments!

When Rafael woke up in his empty hotel room bed the next morning, he wondered if he'd dreamt Olivia's visit to his room the night before. But his eyes drifted to the empty Forlini's containers and scotch glasses at the foot of the bed, and he sighed contentedly realising that it _was_ indeed real.

_Can I come back tomorrow?_

Her voice, warm and inviting and lilting, still rang in his ears. He still could feel her lips pressed against his; the way she softly inhaled his scent, and closed his eyes to relive that moment, but quickly stopped himself before he could get carried away.

He'd enjoyed it; she certainly did as well - but whether he wanted to allow himself to _enjoy_ it, he didn't know. They both were mourning Mike Dodds. Emotions were running very high. Surely the kisses were a by-product of their residual sadness and melancholy from the funeral and Heredio situation? Rationally, he _had_ to write it off as them seeking whatever comfort they could in a moment of distress. Sure, they hadn't actually slept together again, but they'd still crossed a line, and he still hated the idea of getting between Olivia and Ed Tucker. They hadn't mentioned him at all, and he wasn't planning on bringing him up either. That was one minefield he thought neither of them particularly wanted to address.

But the gentle, yet authoritative way that Olivia had asked him about coming back today stirred something in him. He believed her. She _wanted_ to come back - whether or not they'd ever kiss again, it didn't seem to matter. When she'd left, as abrupt as it was, he knew that she was telling the truth: that Noah was the real reason for her departure, not guilt or awkwardness. There was no remorse in her eyes - a far cry from her visceral and _very_ heated reaction to realising that she'd woken up in his bed a few weeks ago.

He recalled the fire he saw in her eyes; the desire she radiated when they crashed onto his bed that night. He still could feel the love and tenderness in their kisses from just a few hours ago; the quiet intimacy of their embrace. Instead of self-doubt and uneasiness, he felt a profound comfort wash over him.

It felt so, so wrong, but nothing could feel more right.

_What's going to happen when Liv comes back? If she comes back? Will she want to talk about this? Should I bring it up?_

So many questions, and absolutely no answers. Rafael forced himself to get out of bed before his train of thought overwhelmed him further. He brushed his teeth, washed his face and shaved with the most precision he had in months, and lingered in the shower for as long as he possibly could. It took a few solid minutes of feeling the lukewarm water rush over him for him to reach somewhat of a conclusion: he wasn't going to bring this up with Olivia unless she did first. She was the one with the boyfriend, not him. She'd kissed him first once; he'd kissed her first once, so they _both_ were equally complicit in this now. If she wasn't going out of her way to avoid Rafael again, he wasn't going to avoid her either, especially after that heartfelt discussion they'd had yesterday. This was the closest they'd ever been, and he didn't want to give that up for another Cold War.

Now all he had to do was hope that Olivia would keep to her word and return.

He got his answer a couple of hours later when his phone buzzed with a text from her as he was idly browsing Hulu to distract himself.

_Hey. Would come over today but things are busy here - missing kid in Times Square. So sorry about that._

He swallowed his disappointment, but realised quickly that she'd bothered to text to tell him about it _and_ apologise. She clearly wanted to see him, and that assurance calmed him down slightly. At least he'd be able to channel-surf or play Candy Crush in peace.

_It's fine, Liv. Work calls. Don't worry about it._

Rafael was very surprised, to say the least, when he saw her reply, and couldn't resist a smile.

_I did order something nice for you for lunch, though. Hope it helps with the captivity. Let me know when you get it._

_I'll look forward to it. Thank you so much._

Sure enough, one of the uniformed officers outside his door knocked at exactly 12.15pm to hand him a brown paper bag. He'd ordered enough take-out to know that this wasn't a Postmates or Seamless order - there wasn't a receipt stuck to the outside. And when he pulled a familiar-looking box out of the bag and inhaled the familiar aromas of picadillo and Cuban coffee, he knew exactly what'd Olivia ordered for him. How she'd gotten delivery from the Bronx when the hotel was far, far out of the restaurant’s delivery radius, he didn't know, but he tucked into his meal with a massive grin on his face.

_How did you get them to deliver all the way here? You're a miracle worker._

_I have my ways, Counselor. (And a uni to drive up there for me.) Hope you enjoyed it. And that it makes up for me not being there._

_It more than does_.

Until recently Rafael hadn't talked to Olivia about either of their personal lives that much, and even so he usually was more than happy to listen to her talk about Noah, so he wasn't even sure how she'd found out about his favourite restaurant. He polished off the food in a matter of minutes, realising with glee that his appetite had returned after a combination of last night's delicious Forlini's take-out and Olivia's companionship. Suddenly, his unofficial and indefinite quarantine in this room didn't seem so unappealing. He fired off a quick text to thank her.

_The food was delicious. Thanks, Liv._

* * *

Olivia grabbed her phone from the desk the instant she heard it ping.

_The food was delicious. Thanks, Liv._

_That was quick_ , she thought, when she realised that he'd sent this message only fifteen minutes after he'd texted to say that the food had arrived. Thank goodness for unis she could trust with an errand like this when she couldn't leave her office. She still wished she could have delivered the food personally, especially after promising Rafael that she'd be back, but this would have to suffice until she had more time. At least he'd enjoyed it.

"Liv?"

Olivia looked up from her phone when she realised that Amanda was staring at her. "Yes, sorry about that. What is it?"

"I'm ordering Chinese. What do you want?"

"Fried rice with sweet and sour chicken, please," she replied without much thought. She regretted not asking the uni to get Cuban food for everyone in the squad, and not just Rafael. But would that have incurred suspicion? Maybe it was better for her to lie low, especially if the others were already gossiping about the unusually long time she’d spent in his room the day before.

Olivia assumed that was Amanda's cue to leave her office, but the blonde paused before she stepped out and smiled at her. "You look like you're in high spirits."

"Yeah," Olivia smiled back, although she didn't bother to elaborate. Was it that obvious? She certainly felt like she had a new spring in her step after the events of the night before - she had her best friend back, and they'd finally had a chance to talk about things between them.

Plus the kisses. Those damn kisses.

Of course she felt guilty about it when she thought about Ed. But she and Ed weren’t in that great of a place anyway. And she and Rafael hadn't gone as far this time, so at least she wasn’t carrying around another massive secret. Olivia didn't know if it happened in a moment of weakness, although her gut was telling her that they _both_ wanted it. And the kisses were just one part of the bigger picture: the more important matter at hand was that she and Rafael were finally talking again, and she wasn't going to jeopardise that by bringing her issues with Ed into it _again_. Weak explanations, she knew, but she'd worry about that later. For the time being, she was going to let herself enjoy her friendship with Rafael again.

"It's nice to see you happy, Liv," Amanda added casually, although Olivia knew the detective well enough to know that there was some hidden subtext in what Amanda was saying. She certainly hadn't intended to spend so long in the hotel with Rafael yesterday morning, and the rest of the squad had definitely noticed when she rushed back in - and Amanda just happened to own the title of “nosiest squad member”, now that Nick Amaro was gone.

Still, Olivia didn't let herself be too perturbed by Amanda's remark and that brief exchange. They spent the rest of the day trying to reunite the lost child with his parents, Olivia letting her mind drift occasionally to the way Rafael had kissed her - so gentle and tender, yet _confident_. She felt her knees go weak as the memory filled her head; her heart rate increased and she felt her skin flush. _Of course I shouldn't be kissing him again_ , she admonished herself, although it was so difficult to resist when the memories left her wanting more.

He'd held her in the precise way she longed to be held by Ed Tucker. He'd kissed her in the precise way she longed to be kissed by Ed Tucker. Ed wasn't the best with physical affection - it'd taken him a long time to feel comfortable with her, and he still struggled at times, although to his great credit, he did try his hardest. But she and Rafael had shockingly good chemistry, and it was like he knew her body inside out even though they'd gotten physical literally twice. She _hated_ herself for letting herself indulge in this train of thought at all, especially when she and Ed were trying to work through their issues. Her moral compass was starting to go haywire, and she didn’t like feeling this out-of-control.

But then she remembered the heartfelt conversation she'd had with Rafael and their fear of losing each other, and suddenly she felt stupid for dwelling on the kisses or sexual chemistry. They'd been through some awful shit together, and she wasn't going to let them drift apart again. She could live without the sex, without the kisses - but definitely _not_ without his friendship. Even her guilt wasn't enough to make her hold back. She'd happily resist further temptation to ensure their friendship would last this time. She _had_ to resist, and deep down she knew that Rafael wanted the exact same things.

Night quickly fell and it was past 9pm by the time Olivia walked out the precinct doors. Lucy had to get home to prepare for a final, and she didn't want to keep the young woman from her success in graduate school, but that meant that she officially didn't have time to squeeze in a visit to Rafael. He'd seemed perfectly content with the food, but she wanted to make sure. As she drove up Amsterdam Avenue, she dialled his number and wasn't surprised when he picked up after just 2 rings.

"Liv," he started. She could almost hear his smile, and some of the tension and stress she'd been carrying around that day fled her body immediately.

"Wow, I get to hear my name instead of just 'Barba' - I feel special,” she quipped.

"You _are_ special."

His tone was snarky and lightly teasing like it usually was, but Olivia's cheeks still turned a tomato red. She was grateful that he wasn't around to see her reaction. "I'm glad you enjoyed the food."

"Of course I did. Thank you so much. Did I miss anything at the precinct today?"

"Lost kid from out of town. We got him back to his parents. Don't worry, you're not missing much. And I'm sorry again for not being able to make it today," she added apologetically. The nagging guilt she'd been suppressing all day came back in full force when she heard herself say that - not seeing Rafael, even for just 24 hours, was getting to her, especially after she'd promised to visit her friend while he was still in captive. "I wish I could drop by, but I need to let Lucy get home..."

"Liv," he gently interrupted. "It's fine." His tone was forgiving and understanding, and she felt herself relax. "You've already made my day with the food,” he added sincerely.

"I'm so glad to hear that," she beamed. "Hope you're holding up fine."

"All's good here, I promise. Get some rest, you deserve it. And..." he added rather nervously, "... I'll text you tomorrow? Just to let you know I’m okay?"

This nervousness was so uncharacteristic of him, but she took it as a good sign. They finally felt comfortable enough with each other again to be vulnerable. "Okay," she smiled. "Sounds great. You rest well, too."

"Goodnight, Liv," he whispered. She knew she'd be replaying that in her head when she got into bed later that night.

"Goodnight, Rafael."

Olivia's heart fluttered despite her best attempts to remind herself that she was dating Ed Tucker, not Rafael. It suddenly dawned upon her that she hadn't made a _personal_ call to him before. Even though she hadn't seen him or felt his touch that day, his gentle tone still felt like a hug from afar and soothing balm after a long day.

_Guess there's a first time for everything._

She liked the direction their friendship was going in. It'd taken a series of tragedies to unlock this, but better late than never.

And she had texts from him to look forward to the next day.

* * *

The next couple of days proved to be far busier than Olivia had initially expected, which completely ruined her plans to check on Rafael while he remained stuck in that hotel room. Commanding officers from across the city had been summoned for some routine pre-summer briefings at 1PP, which she’d completely forgotten about until she received a reminder email the night before, and she spent most of them anxiously tapping her pen against the desk while she waited for the occasional text update from Rafael. The BX9 members hadn't tracked him to the new hotel, and the Gang Unit was close to apprehending the two masked men who had tried to break into his condo, so she rested a little easier knowing that he was safe and sound. However, she still wished she could carve out some time to check on him and keep him company, especially when he couldn’t leave the room or busy himself with cases.

By the time the last of 1.5 arduous days of briefings had wrapped up, all she had was time for was some quick take-out from Chinatown - she knew Rafael, like many of the other ADAs, had a weakness for the dumplings from Vanessa’s Dumpling House - and drove to Midtown before she had to be back at the precinct. She'd handed the food to Rafael with lightning speed, with barely enough time for a chat, and rushed off, which made her feel extremely guilty although she knew he wouldn't hold it against her in any way. Thankfully, his grateful smile had assured her that he wasn’t bothered by her having to go back to the precinct so quickly.

Perhaps she'd _finally_ have time to see him tonight, she thought, until Fin intercepted her as she walked back into her office half an hour later. "Tucker dropped by just now and asked for you. I told him you were at 1PP. He wanted to remind you about dinner tonight, 6pm."

"Oh, f..." She caught herself before she let that word slip out, but the reminder hit her like a freight truck. "I forgot about that." How could she have forgotten? All her plans for the evening washed down the drain in seconds. She hadn't seen Ed in a couple of days, which was quite typical for them before the Rafael debacle, which probably explained why she hadn't thought about dinner.

"Need me to cover for you while you get an outfit?" Fin offered. "The restaurant he mentioned sounds... fancy," he added cynically, eyebrows raised.

 _Really just a synonym for "unaffordable",_ she thought. Ed didn't want to pass up the reservations he'd made for at this upmarket mod-French restaurant months ago, but even that didn't seem like a good enough reason on its own to blow four hundred American dollars on _one_ meal. She secretly feared that Ed had organised this to win back her favour - something she'd explicitly told him _not_ to do - or worse, that he'd spring some big news on her. Expensive restaurants usually were for life-changing announcements, right? She really hoped that wasn't his plan, especially if it involved a ring of any kind.

Olivia smiled at Fin - he always had her back, both personally and professionally - but shook her head. She didn't have the time or energy to run to 5th Avenue for a new dress anyway. "I'm good. Just gonna wear the back-up dress in my locker," she replied casually.

Fin knew exactly which one Olivia was talking about because he'd seen it countless times. Black, sleeveless, knee-length, timeless. So timeless that she'd probably been wearing it since 2005. She kept it on hand in the precinct for all last-minute events and often, it worked. But it was _simple_. It didn't seem like the type of dress to wear to a Michelin-starred restaurant, but what did he know about women's fashion, or heck, Ed Tucker and Olivia’s relationship? He eyed her suspiciously - something was telling him that she wasn't looking forward to this date. "Liv, everything okay between you and Ed?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's fine." Her mind was clearly a million miles away, but he didn't probe - if Olivia Benson didn't want to talk, she _really_ didn't want to talk. She opened her laptop and rifled through the papers on her desk. "Thanks for talking to Ed when I was gone."

Something _did_ feel odd and he couldn’t quite place a finger on it, but chose to leave with some kind words instead. "As long as you two are happy together, Liv. Have a good time later."

Even if he wasn't privy to any of her recent issues, she appreciated the sentiment. She’d fill him in sometime, but not now. "Thanks, Fin."

He turned and walked away like nothing had happened. This was one of her favourite things about her long-time friend - he didn't make a big deal out of things that she didn't want to blow up. That freed up some bandwidth for her to contemplate that evening's plans. Olivia told herself to keep an open mind about dinner. It was extravagant, yes. Deeply unnecessary, yes. But if she and Ed were going to try and make things work, she needed to put in her fair share of the work too, and she could at least try to enjoy this meal.

* * *

Olivia shifted uncomfortably in her seat and skeptically eyed the confusing concoction on her plate: foam, blobs of gelatinous sauce, and what looked like zucchini. Many things about this restaurant - the electronic music, velvet upholstery, tiny portions of unrecognisable and "artistic" food, and too-polite staff - made her wish she could retreat to Greenwich Village for dollar pizza. They'd been here over an hour and she was barely full, plus they'd caught a case that afternoon and she didn't even have time to change into her back-up dress. It was only at Fin's urging that she’d let him handle things at the precinct and hadn't cancelled the date altogether.

She felt very underdressed in her slacks and button-down blouse, especially compared to Ed, who was in his best suit and sipping from his wine glass daintily. The beer-loving IAB captain certainly had cleaned up well for this _very_ out-of-character date. This was exactly the kind of restaurant that people like Trevor Langan and Rita Calhoun frequented. People decked out in designer garb, with _money_. How exactly Ed Tucker could afford this, she didn't know, but he quickly shut down any enquiries and implored her to let loose for an evening.

"How's the food, Liv?"

He was studying her face closely, just like he'd always done when investigating her or her squad or something or other in the IAB interview room, and she plastered the most convincing smile she possibly could on her face. "It's... interesting," she managed. Restaurants like these were the very reason she avoided exploring the city's gastronomic scene unless she received a recommendation from someone she trusted. _Like Rafael Barba_ , although she obviously didn't let Ed know about that.

"I know that this isn't quite what we usually do, but I just couldn't pass up the opportunity, you know? I put us on the waiting list months ago." Ed smiled at her apologetically for the umpteenth time that night. They'd _both_ agreed after Dodds' funeral that these artificially romantic, schmaltzy dates weren't doing their relationship any good, and he definitely felt the need to justify their presence at this very restaurant once every 10 minutes. She nodded understandingly in a futile attempt to assuage his guilt and tried to decode the mystery dish with her eyes before prodding it with her fork.

The tables surrounding them were occupied by couples, many of them obviously happy to enjoy a night out together and leaning in in serious conversation, which only made Olivia feel more self-conscious about the way she and Ed were staring at each other across the table in an awkward silence. She couldn't help but wonder what Rafael was doing in his hotel room - hunched over his laptop, maybe? Perhaps he was watching HBO while lying in bed in his pyjamas and eating take-out from Cava. In any case, he probably was having a better time than she was.

"Liv. You okay?" Ed reached for her hand and took it in his while the staff served dessert. Olivia didn't resist, and heaved a sigh of relief when she saw what was being served. The tiramisu looked tempting - it was probably the most appetising thing she'd seen all evening - but she was distracted by Ed's trembling fingers. What did he have to be nervous about?

_Damn it._

He looked her right in the eye and took a deep breath. "Liv, there's something important I want to tell you."

_Shit._

His eyes shifted awkwardly towards the lapel of his jacket while Olivia covered her confused face with her wine glass. "I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days. You mean the world to me, and I've been thinking a lot about our next chapter together. So... "

_Oh, FUCK._

"I've decided to leave IAB."

Olivia almost spat out her wine.

Thank God he hadn’t just pulled out a ring, but… _what_?

"You're _leaving IAB_?" she repeated incredulously, and a little too loudly, which elicited a couple of annoyed glares from the well-dressed diners at the neighbouring tables.

"I put my papers in." Ed smiled resolutely and tightened his grip on her hand, but loosened it again when he saw the shock and horror on Olivia's face. "Liv..."

She pulled her hand away from his and rested it in her lap. "This is... a lot." Where even could she begin with this? "Why are you leaving?"

"I've been thinking about this since what happened... with Barba," he explained calmly, although he stumbled over his mention of Rafael's name. "At the funeral, I realised I can't spend the rest of my life obsessing about whether or not a cop is lying to me. And I know it's made things... difficult... between us." He obviously was referring to the countless times they'd butted heads professionally over the years, including the time he'd investigated her for _murder_. "I think it's time I move on."

Olivia had to bite her lip to physically prevent another outburst. This was too much for her to process in public. She stared at her tiramisu - holy crap, was that a _green_ tiramisu? - and then at Ed. "We're going to talk about this, but not here. We'll talk in the car later."

Ed looked like he was about to throw up, but nodded reluctantly and picked at his plate. The awkwardness hung heavy in the air all through dessert and him paying the check. Olivia felt like a petulant child throwing a tantrum as she averted eye contact with her boyfriend, but she didn't know what else to do that didn't involve making some sort of mini-scene in this hell-scape of a restaurant. In all the years she'd known Ed Tucker, IAB seemed like such an integral part of his identity that him leaving was unfathomable. She even was liking the fact that she was making things work - or at least, trying to - with someone she'd previously had bad blood with. People were more than their jobs, as much as she had difficulty living that out herself, and she was proud of herself for getting over all her professional drama with Ed. For him to leave IAB - and worse, partly for _her_ sake - left a sour taste in her mouth.

And why hadn't he told her about this change at all? _Surely any reasonable person would consult their girlfriend before making such a huge career change?_ Instead he'd chosen to spring the surprise on her in the middle of a crowded restaurant, at the end of a long day at work.

At least he hadn't proposed.

When they finally got into his parked car outside, they stared at the dashboard, Olivia quietly seething, until she turned to him to break the silence. "Ed, I really don't know where all of this is coming from." Her mind was racing with questions. _Why leave? Why leave now? Is this official? Where is he going now? Why didn't he breathe a word about it to me?_

He answered without looking her in the eye. "I've been thinking about this a lot, Liv. All these issues we've been having - I think I need to make a change."

Olivia sighed. This was exactly what she'd feared - Ed doing _too much_ to overcompensate for their ongoing problems. "Why didn't you tell me about any of this before you put in your papers?"

"Because I knew you'd react exactly how you're reacting now. I made up my mind. This is what's best for us. I had to do it."

"You didn't _have_ to do anything, Ed. Especially not without talking to me about it first! And you can't shut me out of a discussion about what's best for us. There are so many ways we can work through our issues, all of which don't involve quitting your job!"

"You didn't "talk to me first" when you slept with Barba, Olivia," he snarled. Guilt instantly crossed his face - he definitely knew that it wasn't going to help, but he didn't bother to correct himself either.

Olivia resisted the urge to fire back. "That was a mistake that I apologised for and still feel guilty about. I'm not blameless here, but we can't fix our problems if we're not acting like a team!" She folded her arms and tried to collect herself before this continued - their voices were getting louder by the second, and the confined space of the car suddenly felt suffocating. "Didn't we both agree that we'd sort this out together? No more grand gestures. We were going to work through this slowly. I never _wanted_ you to leave IAB, Ed," she asserted, now more calmly than before. "And it makes me _especially_ uncomfortable that you said you left partly for my sake. Our sake."

Following her cue, Ed leaned back in his seat and ruminated over his response before opening his mouth again. "I know it's made things difficult between us, Liv. And after what happened with Barba, I just thought... you needed to be with someone you can trust. Not someone who's out to get you."

"I wouldn't have chosen to be with you if that was a problem for me, Ed!" she retorted, feeling her face grow hot again. "Of course we've had a... difficult time in the past, but if I had a problem with that, we wouldn't be here today. The problem we've having now _isn't_ IAB. The problem is us. Things between us don't feel natural, and you... quitting IAB just like that without telling me is the _epitome_ of the problem. We can't be doing things like these without talking to each other first."

Olivia was taken aback when she realised that Ed was genuinely shocked by her revelation. Had they really been communicating that badly? The hurt on his face was apparent, and it sank in that they truly were in some deep shit. "I really thought you wanted me to leave IAB. I thought that you’d never trust me fully because of my job. So I decided to leave it behind.”

"I never wanted that for you _or_ us, Ed," she clarified firmly. "IAB wasn't the reason for _any_ of the problems we've had - Barba, all this. I already told you that the situation with Barba was just a heat-of-the-moment mistake after we fought about the investigation. It's not on you, or about your job. We've had our professional disagreements, but I would _never_ ask you to leave the job you've held on to for so long. Especially when it’s such a big part of who you are.” Her mind was still moving at a million miles per hour. _Ed Tucker really is leaving his job because of me. Oh my God._

"Why can't you just see that me leaving is what's best for us? You can deny it all you want, Olivia, but I know that you'll never be fully comfortable with my job and I don't want that. This is for the best."

"I've worked hard to separate your job from who you are and I'm happy with the progress we’ve made, Ed. Now I'm going to feel guilty about this forever. I don't know what's truly best for the both of us, but surely it's not a decision that one person makes before talking to the other. Now we're going to have to deal with _more_ change."

Neither of them quite knew what to do or say next. Ed hadn’t turned the engine on, and they stewed in the uncomfortable silence until Olivia's mind wandered to the NYPD HR department and the bureaucracy that came with it. Papers usually took days, if not weeks, to process. Perhaps there was a way out of this.

"Is there any way you can reverse this?" Maybe he could have his job back before he got too deep into the transfer process, and this discussion would be moot. That possibility brought great relief to her.

Her heart sank when Ed shook his head. "They started processing the paperwork today. I've already been asked to consider new postings."

 _Fuck_ , she cursed under her breath. Now the two of them were going to have to live with this issue looming over their heads. There was so much she needed to talk to him about - especially this misunderstanding of epic proportions - but she didn't have the clarity of mind or mental energy to sit with him in his tiny car for another hour. This made even the conversation they'd had about Rafael feel trivial in comparison - the tension was so thick that they could cut it with a knife. "I think we both need to call it a night and talk again tomorrow when we've cleared our heads."

"I'll drop you off at home." He started the car and fastened his seatbelt without looking at her.

"No. Drop me off at the precinct. I'm going to grab some case files and get some work done before I head home."

Ed didn't bother to question her decision, and he drove her to the precinct in yet another awkward silence. The squad room was empty, and she realised quickly that staying in her office alone wasn't the way she wanted to spend the rest of the night. She needed a distraction; some companionship, even laughter.

There was only one place she wanted to go.

* * *

A visibly surprised Rafael opened the door seconds after Olivia knocked.

"Hey, sorry to show up here so late. Can I come in, please?" she asked sheepishly.

"Of course." He realised immediately that she was holding a familiar-looking white box. "Pizza, huh?"

"Let's just say my dinner was less than satisfying, and all I want is _real_ food." She threw her work bag to the floor and sat on the edge of the bed to open the pizza box. "Want a slice?"

"I've already had dinner, but one can't hurt." He grabbed a slice for himself and sat down next to her on the bed. "So... what brings you here? Where's Noah?"

"At home with Lucy. I asked her to stay the night," she said matter-of-factly, hoping that Rafael wouldn't press her for more details. Lucy staying the night meant only one of two options: either Olivia was working late at the precinct or she had a date, and clearly it wasn't the former. And judging by the pizza and case files she had in her bag, the date hadn't gone well.

"I'm flattered that you want my company," he remarked casually, although his heart was racing. He was overjoyed to see her, even if he wasn't going to admit it openly, which overrode his curiosity about what'd happened with Ed. Clearly something bad enough that Olivia felt the urge to seek Rafael out, and he wasn’t complaining.

"Was I interrupting something?" she asked when she noticed his open laptop on the desk. "I brought case files. I can sit here and not bother you if you'd like."

"No, not at all. Bother me all you'd like." He shut his laptop and turned to her with an inviting smile. Olivia kicked off her boots and made herself comfortable - this was much better than the dimly-lit dining room. The non-food at the restaurant and argument that followed had left her ravenous, and she couldn't be more grateful for the simple joy of pizza and a friend to talk to as she ate it.

"I will _never_ understand why people of _your_ breed," she said sarcastically, while chomping unglamorously on her slice of pizza, "enjoy eating at these fancy new restaurants that put "artisanal" foam on every dish. I couldn't even tell what I was eating half the time."

"Excuse me, but you've confused me with Trevor Langan. I'm more of a gourmet sushi connoisseur," he teased, which elicited a playful eye roll from her. He couldn't imagine Ed Tucker, of all people, scouring the Zagat guide for a romantic place to bring Olivia to, let alone anything as extravagant as what she was implying. It sounded like a restaurant he'd once been to with some Harvard friends, and certainly wasn't in a police captain's typical price range.

"Sushi, huh?" The cheeky grin she wore on her face and the way she'd triumphantly stuffed her pizza slice in her mouth made him chuckle. This was a side to Olivia Benson he'd never seen before, and he loved it. He'd never seen her this unguarded, this at ease, and he almost dreaded going back to work because he wouldn't get to see her this way that often. She finished the rest of the slice she was holding and collapsed onto the bed without asking for his permission, although he didn't protest.

"Am I an asshole for being so ungrateful for dinner?" she wondered out loud.

"Well, most people I know would jump at the chance to have dinner at a restaurant like that, but I'm sensing that this isn't so much about dinner as it is about what happened when you were eating. Do you want to talk about it?"

Olivia gave his offer serious thought. This was the most unoccupied and relaxed Rafael had been in a while - they didn't often have time for personal discussions - and he seemed perfectly alright with listening to her ramble about her many problems. At the same time, however, he probably wasn't the person to discuss Ed Tucker with. Their reinvigorated friendship was still in its infancy, and she wasn't about to get him invested in her romantic life when _he_ was partly the reason it was in shambles.

No, she wouldn't risk it. But she did want to talk to him about literally anything else.

"I don't really want to talk about it..." she muttered, and Rafael didn't press her for more. "But I'm up for anything - literally, anything - to distract me. Is there anything good on TV?"

"I channel-surfed not long ago and it was pretty disappointing. But I do have something else." Rafael stood up and made his way to the desk, where he picked up a small black box that Olivia soon realised was a Bluetooth speaker. "We can put some music on. Hand me your phone."

"Why?" Before she could protest, he'd snatched her phone from her hand and was looking through her iPod. "Lieutenant, you don't have _any_ music on your phone?" Rafael asked incredulously. There was _nothing_ in her Music folder. No Spotify. No Apple Music. Nothing.

"I don't have time for all of that. I just listen to the radio once in a while, when I’m driving."

"You're missing out." He paired his own phone with the speaker and hit shuffle on a Spotify playlist titled "Unwind". Within seconds, a stirring Spanish ballad piped through the speakers, and Olivia's jaw dropped to the floor when she heard Rafael sing along. He could _sing_.

"This is keeping me sane in the afternoons," he remarked between verses. "Along with Candy Crush."

"I ought to call Jack McCoy and ask him to put you back to work, Counselor. You - _Candy Crush?_ Thought you were more of a Vonnegut or Virginia Woolf person."

"I’m already at Level 150. Even ADAs have frivolous hobbies, Olivia. We all could use a little levity - especially now."

Olivia realised when he said that that she hadn't carved out much time for herself of late. Even playing with Noah didn't really count, because she expended much of her mental energy fretting about his language development and health issues, which didn't bring her much respite from the stresses and horrors of her job and her ongoing problems with Ed. She was shocked that it was Rafael Barba, of all people, reminding her that she needed a break once in a while. And that he was right.

She _could_ heed his advice and let loose for a couple of hours before she headed home. There was a lot she didn't know about him, she realised, as she watched him sing along to the song on the speakers, and she liked seeing this side to him.

And yes - this was exactly where she needed to be on a night like this.

* * *

"I don't understand why you're so against the idea, Ed. You won't even _consider_ it?"

The tiny FaceTime window at the corner of her laptop screen was slightly grainy (the precinct wifi needed some upgrading), but she could make out Ed's clear disdain. "I'm not sure what talking to him for an hour about what we've already argued about is going to do."

Olivia frowned back. "Come on, at least give it a try. Dr. Lindstrom's popular and it's hard to get a slot with him. We were lucky to get an appointment next week and not in a month’s time. You know how much he's helped me. I'm sure he can help us sort through everything."

"I'm just not comfortable with it, Liv," he repeated for the third time since they'd started the conversation. "I know he's helped you, but it's going to be different if both of us are there."

"At least consider it before I call him back," she replied imploringly.

His tone remained firm. "I'm pretty sure my answer is still going to be no. You can go ahead without me."

Olivia didn't hide her annoyance any longer. "Didn't we say in the car last night that we _both_ need to try to fix things?"

"So, you're accusing me of _not_ trying?" he snapped back.

Of course Ed had tried, she thought. He'd just been trying in all the _wrong_ ways. Quitting his job wasn't her idea of a sustainable solution to any of their issues, and it’d clearly already backfired, judging from his irritated expression and her residual anger from the night before. She wondered how she was going to put this across to him in the most diplomatic way possible, lest they erupt into a full-blown FaceTime argument in the middle of the day, but before she could complete that thought, she looked up and saw Fin and Sonny approaching her office with intention in their footsteps.

"No, of course that's not what I'm saying," she quickly said to defuse the tension. "Ed, I really need to go now. We'll have to talk later."

"Okay," he muttered half-heartedly. She closed the window just as Fin and Sonny emerged in the doorway, and quickly composed herself before they entered.

"Good news from the Gang Unit. The two guys who tried to break into Barba's apartment have been arrested. He's safe to check out of the hotel and go home now. We're going to pick him up,” Sonny informed her.

"That's great!" Olivia quickly - almost too quickly - forgot about her tiff with Ed and smiled genuinely. Finally, an end to one of her main causes of concern. Hopefully things would feel more normal when Rafael _finally_ got back to work and she could see him in the squad room again. Suddenly, she wasn't dreading this summer as much as she had been before.

* * *

A few frantic knocks interrupted Rafael's reverie. He lowered the volume on his laptop and rushed to the door.

"I'm coming, Liv!" he called out, but then he looked through the peephole and realised that the people standing behind the door were _not_ Olivia Benson.

"Fin, Carisi... hi." They looked uncharacteristically jovial.

"Good news. Gang Unit and Threat Assessment said it's safe for you to head home," Carisi announced. _Barba thought it was Olivia_ , Sonny noticed, but he decided not to think about it until the ADA was safely in his own apartment. "Gang Unit picked up the two guys who tried to break in. They confessed.”

Rafael stared at them in a stunned silence - was this really happening? He'd gotten so used to this room, and to Olivia's care and concern, that going home felt like a rude return to reality.

"Yes, Barba, you can head home now, unless you love this place so much you want to move in," Fin quipped. "Get packing, we'll drive you back to Park Avenue."

For the next fifteen minutes, Rafael hurriedly swept his belongings back into his suitcase - T-shirts, sweatpants, case files. The almost-finished bag of pretzels. The now-empty bottle of scotch. Somehow it felt unwise to leave it behind. He gingerly wrapped the new glass she'd bought for him in one of his T-shirts and tucked it carefully between layers of clothes - a reminder of their renewed friendship.

Rafael took one last, long look at the room he'd made his temporary home, and let Fin and Carisi drive him back to his _real_ home. He thanked his lucky stars that Carisi had chosen not to be chatty that afternoon, and turned his attention to his phone, smiling when a new message from a familiar name arrived.

_Heard you're finally going home. Congratulations._

He was so excited that he struggled to think of something witty to send back to her, but he didn't have to when he saw her follow-up message.

_Celebratory dinner? On me?_

Rafael spent the rest of the car ride hiding his ear-to-ear grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made up the French restaurant in this chapter, although Vanessa's Dumpling House is real and truly excellent.


	9. Something To Talk About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The recent events lead to some revealing - and intimate - moments and conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy Sunday! here's some Barson cosiness. (but the real question is: how long will this last? stay tuned to find out, ha.)
> 
> thank you [justabensonfanatic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/justabensonfanatic/pseuds/justabensonfanatic) for your always-helpful advice, suggestions and writing fuel! ❤️
> 
> this chapter gets its name from the Bonnie Raitt song of the same name (that i absolutely love).

"What's gotten into you lately?"

Ed stared at Olivia from across the counter, his blue eyes penetrating and hostile; she felt exposed, _naked_ , standing in her own kitchen. The entire conversation they'd had had been hostile, indeed; the dust kicked up from the revelation that he'd quit IAB without telling her had yet to settle, and neither of them had backed down all through their awkward dinner of Thai take-out. Yet this question felt out-of-the-blue and worryingly separate from that argument.

"What are you talking about?" she asked nonchalantly, although she turned her back to him and retrieved a clean mug from the dishwasher to hide from his eviscerating gaze.

"One day you're sobbing about Mike Dodds, and the next you're fine and it’s like nothing happened. Who did you talk to?”

She ignored the question and Ed’s demanding tone, although it still made her bristle. "I’m not allowed to feel _happier_? Are you seriously dictating the way I should mourn a squad member?"

Olivia refused to look at him - she’d only become undone, and that wasn’t the way she wanted this to go. She grabbed the nearest dish towel and started drying her glasses with methodical precision. Of course Ed would flip if he found out she'd visited Rafael and rekindled her friendship with him. Of _course_ he'd go ballistic if he found out that Rafael was the reason she'd been able to process her grief.

_And kissed him, of course._

She scrubbed hard at her coffee mug, wishing she could make this line of questioning go away as easily as the layer of moisture on the ceramic handle did.

"And where were you when I came to the precinct that afternoon before we went out to dinner? Fin told me you were at 1PP, but I know those briefings ended _two_ hours before I came to the precinct to look for you."

"How did you even know that?" _Deflecting._ He'd smell a rat in seconds.

"I have friends in 1PP, Olivia. And you're not answering any of my questions,” he retorted indignantly.

"You're surveilling me now? I went to lunch." Not technically a lie. She'd eaten her dumplings in the car on the way to Rafael's hotel room. But how _dare_ he talk to her like he was a suspect. "See, IAB wasn't the problem. You’ve left and you’re _still_ questioning me like I’m under investigation. What happened to working on our relationship?”

She could almost hear Ed wince and knew it was too much - this IAB situation clearly had left the both of them on edge - but he'd practically asked for it with this line of questioning. "I stand by what I said - you've been acting strangely, Olivia. Is there something you're not telling me?" he demanded.

"I'm not going to be particularly keen on telling you _anything_ if you treat me like I'm one of your suspects. Don’t patronise me, Ed.”

"This is _exactly_ why I left IAB. Because you keep accusing me of doing exactly that. If you have nothing to hide, why do you have to be so difficult and secretive?"

Ed’s imperious, accusatory tone caused something in her to snap, and she slammed her dishwasher shut, angrily turning around to stare him down. “ _I’m_ the one who’s being difficult and secretive?”

He didn’t back down. “Why are you hiding things from me?”

“Why are you demanding I tell you everything? You literally left your job without telling me!” She kept her voice to a frantic, increasingly assertive whisper, careful not to wake Noah. The last thing she wanted was for him to wake up to the sound of his mother arguing with the only father figure he’d ever known, if he even counted as one.

Ed didn’t have a comeback, and she realised that they’d reached an impasse. She turned her attention to the kitchen counter and carefully re-shelved her now-clean bowls and plates - the only thing keeping her from storming over to him and escalating this argument even further.

"We need to do something about this,” he finally said after a long silence. _Not again_. What did those words even mean to him when all he’d done was sulk in her presence and quit his job _for her_ without telling her? All talk and no action: she detested that.

Olivia sighed exasperatedly and launched into the same speech she’d recited at least three times that week. "We need to go to Dr. Lindstrom and talk this through with an objective third party, like I've suggested _more than once_ ," she retorted, irritation filling her voice. “I’ve already rescheduled the appointment twice. This will be good for us.”

"And I still don't think that's a good idea," Ed responded insistently. "I don't feel comfortable sharing all this with someone."

 _For how supportive he is of_ me _going to therapy, he sure hates the idea himself._

Olivia couldn’t understand Ed’s resistance to an hour-long conversation about their problems with the sagacious therapist, especially when they’d already expended plenty of energy on these aggressive quasi-shouting matches. "It's his job to listen. You know about doctor-patient confidentiality… Whatever we tell him is never going to leave the walls of his office.”

"Still." Ed drummed his fingers against the countertop and averted her gaze. "Liv, I think you should go ahead without me."

"Fine."

"You might as well tell Dr. Lindstrom everything, since you're clearly not talking to _me_ about anything that's happened the last two weeks," he snarled.

"I'm not going to talk to _you_ if you're going to treat me like a suspect, Ed. If you want to fix things but keep refusing to go to therapy with me, _you_ find a solution, then.”

She watched as Ed made his way to the door and put his shoes back on. “There’s no point talking about this any further tonight. I'm going home."

He stormed out of the front door without another word, leaving a seething Olivia standing alone in her kitchen. She slammed the kitchen cupboard door shut, metal banging loudly against wood, and retreated to the safety of her room.

If the last month hadn’t been enough of a sign, this argument certifiably was the beginning of the end.

* * *

“I don’t know what’s gotten into him lately,” Olivia sighed.

She looked at the empty seat next to her, and as odd as it seemed outside of this specific context, wished that Ed was sitting next to her. “We’re having all these issues, and Ed still refuses to come for therapy with me.”

Dr. Lindstrom nodded - that’d been quite clear to him when Olivia had rescheduled the appointment not once, but _twice_ , and when she’d arrived in his office that morning alone. This didn’t surprise him much: from what Olivia had previously told him about the now-former IAB captain, he wasn’t particularly effusive or forthcoming with his emotions - even more so than Olivia had once been.

“If your idea of working on your relationship is coming to therapy together, what is Ed’s?”

“I don’t know, honestly…” She chewed on her lower lip and absent-mindedly fiddled with her necklace. “Being possessive and overprotective maybe? Right now all we’re doing is argue about what we should do to fix things between us, but he doesn’t seem to want to do anything to _actually_ fix things. And then he quits his job _for me_ without telling me. He thinks I should be grateful for him doing it, but I never wanted that.”

“It sounds like the issue at hand is a lack of communication. Your expectations are different - Ed thinks he’s fixing your relationship, but he’s only pushing you away with what he’s doing.”

“And it’s a vicious cycle. He pushes me away, I run to Rafael, and then Ed gets even more paranoid and it just gets worse.”

Dr. Lindstrom paused his frantic note-taking and pondered over what Olivia had just told him. “When you say you run to Rafael… what do you mean by that?”

She chewed on her bottom lip and took a swig from the glass of water on the table. Olivia hadn’t intended to bring up Rafael just yet - after all, she’d meant to come with Ed, and she certainly wasn’t going to come clean with him with him in the room, but without his imposing presence to hold her back, it was finally time to come clean with someone about the ongoing situation with Rafael.

“I went to see him after the funeral. He’d been moved to a secure hotel in Midtown because some BX9 members had threatened his life, and we talked…”

Olivia frantically recounted the events of the last week - the Forlini’s takeout, the late-night calls and conversations, those damn kisses - and realised that her face was flushed; whether with embarrassment, sheepishness or something else, she had no clue. Dr. Lindstrom hurriedly took notes and nodded along calmly, but even his stoic demeanour didn’t do much to slow her down. She’d been bottling this up for far too long, and the words tumbled out without a trace of hesitation.

“... we’re friends again, and I’ve been _so_ happy about that, but Ed’s been taking this terribly, and he’s just getting more and more paranoid…” She realised that she was absolutely parched and paused to take a sip of water, so Dr. Lindstrom seized the opportunity to jump in.

“It’s becoming clear to me that these situations are inextricably linked, Olivia. The trust issues Ed is having with you are rooted in what happened with Rafael all those weeks ago, but I have to agree that he’s crossed the line with his surveillance of you and your activities.” He looked at her concernedly, brows furrowed. “This is probably what you need to address with Ed _first_ , even before bringing Rafael up with him. If he’s behaving this possessively, especially when you’re still getting through a period of mourning, I’d be very concerned. And it’s quite manipulative of him to quit his job _for_ you without asking, and then blame _you_ for not being more grateful. Has the possibility of breaking things off with Ed crossed your mind?”

“Of course. But it’s a difficult step to take, and this situation with Rafael isn’t making it any easier.”

“In your head, why _exactly_ did you want to break up with Ed?”

Hearing Dr. Lindstrom actually speak that possibility into existence made her shudder. “But here’s the thing - I don’t want to break up with him, really. I just want things to be the way they were,” she confessed. “He’s stable; reliable. I want that Ed back.”

“Even though his behaviour has been quite worrying of late?” Dr. Lindstrom frowned. “I know his trust in you has been shaken, Olivia, but that still doesn’t excuse him surveilling your movements across town or demanding your whereabouts. There are much healthier ways to rebuild trust that don’t involve you being subordinate to his surveillance. You don’t owe him anything.”

She knew Dr. Lindstrom’s concern was well-intentioned and didn’t discount how worrying the situation must have seemed to him, but deep down she had an idea of what was going on. “This.. just doesn’t feel like Ed. I _know_ this isn’t him. We’ve both been on edge so much lately and fighting every single day that we’re _both_ not behaving like ourselves.”

“Maybe a better short-term way of thinking about this situation would be ideal - something not as drastic as breaking up, but something that also doesn’t involve making this conflict even worse than it already is. You’re still raw from the news of him leaving his job, and need some time to properly process that betrayal of trust; he needs to calm down and reflect on why he made this decision in the first place. Maybe _he_ hasn’t accepted it fully yet.”

He had a good point. Something about Ed’s body language and defensive tone hinted that _he_ still wasn’t fully on board with the decision he’d made. “That sounds sensible.”

“It’d also be worth taking this time to think about what exactly it is you’re envisioning when you want things to return to the way they were with Ed. What might that look like?”

“Before I slept with Rafael, we dealt with conflict so differently. Of course we fought and disagreed on things, but Ed never tried _this_ hard to overcompensate. I just think we’d be so much better off if he stopped trying so damn hard and making things worse in the process. I’ve apologised to him a million times and told him that he doesn’t _need_ to do all this, but he still doesn’t trust me fully, and I just wish I had a chance to rebuild that with him without feeling like we’re taking three steps back for every one we make.” She took a second to collect her thoughts. “I know things between us are never going to be the same, but I just want to _get there_ first.”

“If Ed doesn’t feel comfortable coming to therapy, this is something you’ll have to address with him openly. But you can’t be doing this when both of you are so agitated.”

 _I’m not agitated_ , she almost snapped, but her flushed face and rapid breathing said otherwise. Dr. Lindstrom was right. She couldn’t handle this right now; she needed to calm down just as much as Ed did.

“Right now it sounds like both of you to take a step back from this. Not talk for a few days so you have the space to sort out your emotions. A clean break for both of you to calm down and decide on your next course of action. Only then will we - hopefully - be able to work on the issues together.”

“You’re right. I think that’d be for the best.” She didn’t know how else to convince Ed that following her to see Dr. Lindstrom would be helpful for them, but surely there had to be a way of making him warm up to the idea.

“Good, good.” Dr. Lindstrom glanced at his notes again before continuing. “Do you have other things to occupy yourself with while you and Ed take this break?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I think it’s important that you also reflect on how Ed fits into your life at the moment, and continuing with work or other activities can help keep that perspective in check.”

“Well, work is in full swing now that Rafael is back in the squad room. And I actually have dinner with him planned, to celebrate the threats against him ending.”

“Rafael?” Dr. Lindstrom cocked an eyebrow worryingly. “Does Ed know that you’ve spent time with him recently?”

“He definitely suspects something, but I’ve not told him directly, no,” she admitted. “I just don’t want to throw away a perfectly good friendship - not after what happened with all the loss and violence.”

“But you kissed Rafael, didn’t you?” He didn’t have to elaborate for Olivia to know exactly what he was getting at. Even Dr. Lindstrom knew that she was swimming in dangerous territory.

“I think I can be friends with Rafael _while_ fixing things with Ed,” she replied with more confidence than she actually had, which surprised her. “And I’ll talk to Ed about this eventually. _After_ we’ve both calmed down. I don’t want to cut Rafael out just like that.”

She wasn’t sure if Dr. Lindstrom would be satisfied with her response, but all he did was nod slowly. “A lot rests on how you and Ed communicate in the next few days and weeks. I trust that you’ll intervene appropriately with him if he continues his possessive behaviour, Olivia, but otherwise, let’s talk again in two weeks?”

“That works. I’ll be in touch. Hopefully Ed will come around to the idea of therapy.”

As she strolled down Central Park West and into the nearest subway station, she mulled over what she’d just said to Dr. Lindstrom.

 _I think I can be friends with Rafael_ while _fixing things with Ed._

Truthfully, she was still in two minds about that. It seemed utterly implausible and she wondered if she was being delusional. Ed had every reason to be mistrustful of Rafael. She wouldn’t want someone who’d cheated on her to hang out with the person they’d cheated with, not once, but technically _twice_ now.

But she and Rafael hadn’t gotten close to doing that again - this friendship was too important to them for them to risk crossing a line again. Better that they stayed close and maintained carefully calibrated boundaries than risk another war, right? And maybe, just maybe, she’d talk to Ed about the situation and he’d grow to be alright with it eventually. She wouldn’t know until she tried.

Oddly, it was one of the things she felt confident about. This friendship mattered to her; to the both of them. They weren’t going to screw it up in another moment of passion. As long as she kept her eyes open and let the heightened emotions of the last fortnight pass - being caught off-guard or in the middle of an emotional storm were the circumstances that had spelled trouble - she was sure she was going to be alright. And whether or not she was being delusional, she’d spend her energy actually _fixing_ things instead of getting caught in her own head. That seemed like what she needed to do at the moment.

* * *

"What’s gotten into them lately?”

Amanda casually leaned against the break room wall and sipped her latte, eyes lingering on Olivia’s empty office.

Sonny almost didn’t hear her over the whirr of the coffee machine. “What do you mean?”

“Barba’s been back at work _two_ days and suddenly the precinct feels like a different place. Everyone’s in such a good mood. Even Barba.”

“And _I_ thought I was the nosy one around here,” he teased. “Why have you been so fascinated with Lieu and Barba lately?”

“Nosiness is in my Southern blood, Dominick. I’m just sneakier about it than you are. And you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed it too.” She dipped her voice and leaned in. “Look, I’m not saying it’s a good or bad thing. It’s just… _different_ now.”

He sipped his coffee and pondered over the issue. “You have a point. Thought the Dodds thing shook her up pretty bad, but it feels like her mood suddenly changed overnight. And…” he leaned in to whisper, “when Fin and I went to get Barba from the hotel room last week, he thought it was Lieu at the door. He was expecting her.”

“Oh, she _definitely_ spent a lot of time there. I bet that’s why she’s been so cheerful the last few days.”

“Speak of the devil…” Amanda and Sonny immediately feigned nonchalance and strolled back to their desks as Olivia appeared in the doorway, engaged in deep conversation with the ADA. Neither detective missed the twinkle in _both_ their eyes and… was that _laughter_ from Rafael Barba? If Amanda had to be honest with herself, hearing Barba laugh in a context that wasn’t a smug speech or cunning cackle creeped her out just enough to make her feel uncomfortable, and the sudden change in his demeanour made her head spin.

“Lieu, Barba. Want a cannoli?” As smooth as ever, Sonny casually waved the Tupperware box sitting on his desk at them before Olivia noticed them dawdling.

“I’m actually pretty full from lunch, but want to split one with me, Rafael?” Her eyes moved between the tantalising confections _and_ the ADA, and Amanda couldn’t resist sneaking a smirk at Sonny. _See what I mean?_ she mouthed.

 _Oh my God_ , Sonny mouthed back. All that laughter, and now sharing a cannoli? That was every Italian boy’s dream date. He hadn’t even been able to convince his ninth-grade crush to share one with him, but here Olivia and Barba were, splitting one in the middle of the squad room. Of course cannolis weren’t as sacred to them as they were to him, but he couldn’t resist staring at them _and_ the uncharacteristic warm smile on Barba’s face.

Obviously neither had noticed the junior detectives’ brief exchange, because Olivia gleefully helped herself to one and broke it in half for a grateful Rafael. Seconds later they were walking towards her office, conversation back in full swing as though Amanda and Sonny no longer existed.

Amanda chuckled and helped herself to another cannoli. “I swear we woke up in a parallel universe today.”

“I’d buy that. Especially since this parallel universe has cannolis _and_ a happy Rafael Barba.”

“Honestly, I’m happy for Liv. Seems like Barba’s bringing some joy back, which is good for _all_ of us.”

Amanda meant it, but she still didn’t quite know what to think - if they hadn’t known about Ed Tucker, she wouldn’t have ruled out the possibility that Liv and Barba were a couple. Olivia’s increasingly buoyant mood had only improved even further after Barba had returned to work officially, and there was a light in her eyes that she _never_ saw in the all the times she’d seen Olivia with Ed Tucker. And now she and Barba were arriving at the precinct together _and_ sharing a cannoli?

God, it was weird. Nice, but weird.

“I’m happy for her, too. Think Barba’s the friend she really needs now.”

 _“Friends” who obviously have more than just friendship between them,_ they both agreed as they exchanged smirks. They’d never bring this up with either their lieutenant or Barba, of course, but they definitely had a new office gossip topic.

Neither resisted exchanging _another_ smirk later that evening after their discussion of the case, when Olivia and Rafael left the precinct and walked down the street together, still deep in conversation and arms so close that they almost touched.

* * *

“What’s gotten into me lately?” Rafael twirled his spaghetti around his fork and looked at his dinner companion with a wry smile.

“Tell me more.” Olivia sipped from her glass of Cabernet and set her glass next to his - which, amazingly, was identical to hers and not his usual scotch. When they’d sat down to order, she almost ordered his drink on his behalf, only for him to suggest they share a bottle of wine instead. That he remembered her usual order didn’t strike her as being particularly unusual, but for him to offer to drink wine at what was meant to be _his_ celebratory dinner made her heart swell more than it should have.

“I think I’ve laughed more in the last week than I have in the last year,” he realised with a smile.

“Well, I’m glad that I had a part to play in that.”

From her visits to his hotel room to his return to the squad room, Rafael hadn’t laughed as heartily as he had in ages. Conversation just flowed naturally with Olivia, and ever since the night he’d played her his Spotify playlists on his Bluetooth speaker in his hotel room, the childhood stories, college tales and work highlights hadn’t stopped tumbling out. Not even Rita Calhoun made as humorous and warm a conversation partner as Olivia, and he’d known Rita for _twenty years_. And now, sitting across from the SVU lieutenant, he felt more comfortable than he’d ever had with a colleague; with a _friend_. He didn’t need scotch to loosen his tongue.

They’d joked about this being a date over text; she’d casually reminded him about their dinner _date_ (he didn’t forget her choice of words) as she left his office the evening before. They’d spent all afternoon at the precinct and left together while pretending not to notice the quiet smirks that Amanda and Sonny exchanged. Olivia had chosen a pasta place with a distinctly chic - and romantic - vibe, far enough from both of their offices that they didn’t have to check if people they knew were in earshot. And the booth was so tiny that their legs were almost touching under the table, every accidental brush sending a shiver up his spine.

It was the perfect recipe for a date. The giddy feeling in his stomach reminded him of the time he’d _almost_ told Lauren Sullivan about his feelings back in the eleventh grade. Except that he was now a 46-year old man who couldn’t decide if he was a third party in the relationship between a _colleague_ and notoriously exacting NYPD captain…

Rafael dropped his fork, which sent it crashing against the table.

He looked up, stunned, and his eyes met concerned brown ones. “You okay, Rafael?” she asked.

She hadn’t changed out of her work clothes (which he’d seen countless times before), her brunette hair was tousled and unwashed, and her make-up almost completely faded, but _god damn_ , she was beautiful.

 _I really should be enjoying this more_.

After all, wasn’t this exactly what he’d been dreaming of doing with Olivia Benson for years now? Complications and Ed Tucker be damned - he wanted to at least _pretend_ this was a real date while he could. He could do that, couldn’t he?

He hastily picked his fork back up and smiled at her. “I’m fine, Liv. Really.”

She set her fork next to her plate and leaned in towards him. “You sure?”

The table was so tiny that even the miniscule distance she’d shifted left her face mere inches away from his - so close that he could almost feel her breath on his skin. For a casual meal between friends, she’d chosen a restaurant that was awfully intimate, but that didn’t seem to faze her.

And maybe, just maybe - it didn’t faze him either.

“It’s just nice to be able to talk to you outside work, you know?” he finally commented. “And the food here is _amazing._ ”

“It really is, isn’t it?” She smiled and finished the last of her ravioli. “You know, we really should do this more often.”

He had every intention of playing it cool, but couldn’t hide his grin. “I’d love that.”

The joyous mood continued all through dessert - tiramisu for Olivia, zeppole for Rafael - and the rest of their bottle of wine. The cramped space clearly wasn’t an issue for them any longer, because he realised as he finished the last of the sweet pastry that their legs were resting against the other’s, and hands so close under the table that they almost touched.

Was she thinking the same thing as he was; resisting the temptation to reach out and grab it? They were sitting so close that it almost felt wrong for him _not_ to do it. But that wasn’t a step he wanted to take in the middle of a crowded Upper East Side restaurant, so he turned his attention back to their conversation about 80s cinema.

“What’s the movie about? Of course I know about the famous scene at the end with Patrick Swayze and the girl, but I’ve never seen the rest…”

“Her name is Jennifer Grey, and I honestly can’t believe you’ve _never_ seen Dirty Dancing, Liv. I think I saw it at least three times the summer it came out. I still watch it once a year with my _mami_. How can you not have watched one of the _cultural touchstones_ of the 1980s? I’m going to be bothering you about this until you’ve seen it.”

God, something about the intensity and passion in his voice and eyes - so different from the professional intensity of ADA Barba - sent a shiver down her spine. “Lend me your Netflix password, then, because I’m not paying for a subscription just to see _one_ movie.”

“Even better. I have it on DVD. I’ll lend it to you.” His eyes suddenly lit up, and he quickly checked his watch. “Unless…”

“Mmm?” _Is he suggesting what I think he’s suggesting?_ She felt her pulse skyrocket just contemplating the possibilities.

“It isn’t too late yet. If Lucy’s staying with Noah tonight… Do you want to head back to my place? Finally watch the movie?” he suggested nervously. Rafael kept his gaze on her and frantically attempted to read her facial expression. This would be her first visit to his place since _that_ night, and his heart thumped loudly in his chest wondering if he’d overstepped. They’d spent so much time together in the confines of his hotel room and essentially gone on a pseudo-date - a part of him told him that he was overthinking this, but he didn’t want to be sure until she said so. “I’ll just pass the DVD to you if you’re not comfortable with that…” he stuttered.

“Actually, your place is a great idea.” He felt relief wash over him seeing her break into a smile, and could have sworn that he felt her move her legs even closer to his in the already-confined space, which sent a ripple of electricity through his body. This was looking more and more like a _real_ date by the minute, and he couldn’t resist the lure even though he knew very well that he shouldn’t be giving in. However, resistance was proving futile, and she’d already agreed - there was no turning back.

“Let’s get the check and head back, then,” she offered, which reminded Rafael that she’d offered to pay, and wouldn’t have it any other way. He watched her sign the slip of paper and leave a generous tip, heart swelling with a giddy mix of contentment, excitement and anticipation. God, how grateful he was to have her with him, caring for him this much - a tenderness and affection he suddenly felt he’d been missing all his life.

All the pieces were in place, except for just one: they weren’t actually dating. He’d realised all through this date, however, that maybe he was alright with pretending they were.

The sun was setting over Manhattan as they left the restaurant, still in a tipsy, jubilant high. The last time they’d walked down a city street together they’d been leaving Washington Square Park after a particularly sensitive and emotional lunchtime discussion, but without that tension hanging over them any longer, Rafael and Olivia felt the physical distance between them narrow, just like it had in the hotel room and the restaurant; now they gravitated towards the other, fingers dangerously close to touching. Had they always walked like this before the incident that imploded their friendship? Rafael wished he remembered the feeling of ambling past 60 Centre Street after a long, exhausting trial, coffee in hand and Olivia beside him (it felt like so long ago), but even as those memories grew distant and hazy, he realised he was making brand new ones with her.

The cool late spring breeze caressed her hair and ruffled her blouse and she felt herself shiver slightly; Rafael responded by wordlessly wrapping his arm around her shoulder. Olivia leaned in and sank into his embrace, grateful for his warmth, but far more drawn to the feeling of him protecting her in his arms as they drank in the city sights. Orange and pink hues were quickly replaced by neon but time felt languid; neither exchanged a word as they strolled past luxury condo after luxury condo along Park Avenue. The laughter wasn’t as raucous and the banter almost non-existent, but neither of them felt the need to change that. _This_ \- this intimacy, this closeness - felt more right than ever, and all the self-doubt and guilt that lay buried in the crevice was trivial in comparison.

They stood in front of his building and Rafael instinctively turned to Olivia. _One last chance to back out - to turn around, say no to this._ That was the last thing he wanted, but God forbid he usher her into the building without being absolutely sure it was what they _both_ wanted.

She smiled and trailed him into the lobby, remembering the last time she’d stormed into this building. The doorman shot her and Rafael a knowing glance, as though he’d recognised her from her previous visit, but she paid him no heed. They stood side-by-side in the elevator, averting each other’s gazes, but silently drowning in restless anticipation. When she stood behind him while he unlocked his front door, she wondered how she’d react when he flung it open and she was once again confronted with the crime scene - their crime of passion. Judging by Rafael’s tentative movements, he probably was thinking the same, but still neither of them backed away. After all, wasn’t watching movies together a completely normal activity between friends?

Olivia inhaled the familiar and sweet scent of fig - an aroma that she quickly realised was coming from the Diptyque diffuser on the living room table - which immediately unlocked a torrent of memories. The specifics she couldn’t quite remember as clearly because of her scotch-tinged haze from that evening, but she’d never forget the way he’d stared her down by the bay window, how their lips first brushed against each other’s, or the dexterity and care with which he’d undressed her at the foot of his bed, even amidst the heat of the moment. Between Rafael’s inviting, warm gaze and the events of the past week, however, her recollections of the torrid evening suddenly didn’t seem so abhorrent. They’d had the whole half-an-hour walk back to his apartment to say no to this, and it was clear that neither wanted to bring this night to a close so soon.

She took a deep breath and told herself to live in the moment. They weren’t drunk. They weren’t kissing or ripping the other’s clothes off. This was perfectly innocuous.

_You’re doing nothing wrong, Olivia. Just enjoy this._

"Make yourself comfortable. I’ll get everything set up.”

She kicked off her shoes and sat cross-legged on Rafael's leather couch, which still smelled brand-new and wasn't covered in ice-cream and juice stains. In fact, his whole apartment felt new. She hadn't paid attention to much of it during her last visit - obviously, they'd been occupied doing _something else_ \- but being able to take it all in without engaging in an argument helped her see it in a new light. The living room was full of tasteful, chic-looking pieces; his kitchen was surprisingly large by New York City standards and housed stainless steel appliances that looked ten years newer than hers. Between the floor-to-ceiling bookshelf filled with Nietzsche and Woolf and expensive-looking paintings and sculptures that lined the walls, she would've felt much more intimidated if they didn't also belong to one of her closest friends. As stylish and immaculate as this apartment was, it still felt distinctly homely; distinctly Rafael Barba.

Rafael was rifling through his massive media closet for the DVD of the movie. Why he had such an elaborate home entertainment set-up when he spent so much time in the office, she didn’t quite understand, but she wasn’t surprised either: he’d clearly gone to every expense to decorate his abode. In comparison to Ed Tucker’s apartment, which she’d been to only a handful of times and was incredibly spartan and functional, Rafael’s had a lived-in feeling to it, and made her inexplicably comfortable despite the emotional baggage it came with.

“I’m glad to be out of my own apartment for once,” she commented, as he popped the disc into the player. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my son, but it’s nice not to have to pick up his toys every once in a while.”

“Your toy box is still decorative, huh?” he smirked. It took a couple of seconds for her to remember when she’d heard him say that - it was when she’d called him over to talk about Johnny D’s relationship to Noah. Rafael had held Noah like the toddler was a ticking time bomb, and remembering his awkward grimace made Olivia chuckle. It was a much-needed moment of levity on a very tense day. “Just so you know, Liv, feel free to leave anytime if you need to get home to Noah,” he made sure to add.

“Trying to kick me out early, Barba?” she retorted with a mischievous grin.

She resisted the urge to giggle when she saw him tense up. The usually unflappable ADA was acting like a nervous teenager all of a sudden - it was so clear in the way he anxiously shifted his gaze between the TV screen, fridge, and Olivia on the couch. “Of course not, Liv. Stay as long as you’d like. Do you want anything to drink? I have La Croix, scotch, Cabernet, coffee…” He recited a full list of the drinks he had on hand with the fervour of a courtroom closing speech, and she would have laughed if he weren’t so visibly nervous and awkward.

“Coffee’s good, thank you. You have _Cabernet_ at home? I’ve known you for years and tonight was probably the first time I’ve seen you drink wine.”

“I thought I’d have a bottle on hand for _guests_.” He lingered on the last word.

“This _guest_ can always appreciate a good Cabernet. You’re an excellent host.”

She pretended not to notice him blush - even from her spot on the couch across the living room, she could see the crimson in his cheeks. He’d shed his suit and now was flaunting his purple suspenders - a pair she especially loved - and rolling up his shirt sleeves, which exposed his muscular forearms.

 _Don’t be a creep, Olivia_ , she admonished herself when she realised she was staring at him brew the coffee with his fancy press, but she couldn’t stop herself from staring. His confidence in the courtroom translated right into his ease in the kitchen, and the realisation that she’d never dated someone quite like this only made her feel even more embarrassed with herself.

_You’re not dating Rafael Barba - stop it!_

Olivia quickly turned her eyes back to the screen when Rafael re-appeared next to her with two cups of fresh coffee and pressed play on the DVD player. The opening credits rolled and she rested her arms on her lap, unable to decide what to do with them. She and Rafael were sitting awkwardly a foot apart and she couldn’t understand why that was bothering her so much.

_Focus on the movie!_

She focussed intently on the action on the screen and her coffee cup, although her eyes occasionally drifted to the man beside her, who was glued to the screen and silently mouthing lines under his breath. Even his movie-watching habits were as intense as the way he took notes and stared people down in court, and as difficult as it was for her to admit it to herself, it was enthralling.

The movie turned out to be much better than she’d initially expected it to be, but then again, she fully trusted Rafael’s taste in film and literature, being the cultured man that he was. As Patrick Swayze led Jennifer Grey in a steamy dance lesson set to Eric Carmen’s _Hungry Eyes_ (a song that she did recognise from evenings surfing the radio in college), their legs and bodies moving in perfect sync, she suddenly became aware of the heat she and Rafael were radiating - they hadn’t budged from their original spots on the couch despite having made themselves comfortable, and now she wondered if he’d reach out to touch her. Did she _want_ him to reach out and touch her?

_Focus on the movie!_

She thought of the way he’d swayed his hips to the music when they were listening to music in his hotel room as she watched Patrick Swayze glimmer and shimmy under the harsh stage lights, and wondered if Rafael Barba could dance too.

_Focus on the movie!_

She almost didn’t notice Rafael’s arm inching closer to her as she entertained her deeply distracting train of thought, but instantly was pulled back to reality when she felt it press against her shoulders. Without another moment of hesitation, they slid next to each other, feeling their thighs touch and residual tension flee their bodies - there was no doubt in either of their minds that they’d been waiting to do precisely this. They stayed this way for the rest of the movie, laughing heartily as Lisa butchered her performance of Hula Hana, and silently relished the simmering sexual tension between Johnny and Baby, while also dancing around the blindingly obvious sexual tension in the very room they were sitting in.

She tried her hardest not to turn and kiss him again.

From his body language, it was clear that he was holding back too.

They smiled when _I’ve Had The Time of My Life_ filled the room and the climactic dance sequence appeared on the screen, and Olivia instinctively bobbed her head to the music, although this was the first time she’d actually paid close attention to the lyrics.

_You're the one thing_

_I can't get enough of_

_So I'll tell you something_

_This could be love_

Rafael was so engrossed in admiring the dance moves and the couple’s chemistry that he didn’t notice her stare at him. If she had to be honest with herself, romantic movies weren’t exactly her cup of tea, but she was having the time of her life, indeed, just watching him enjoy it so much.

 _Is this love?_ She didn’t want to confront that question just yet if it meant putting a damper on the events of the evening. His arm was still around her and something about this entire pseudo-date - the pasta, the walk, the coffee, the movie - had been profoundly comforting. It came as no surprise that their friendship was this strong after so many years of working together, but this was one of the very first evenings they’d spent together that didn’t involve a _single_ mention of work, and it’d been nothing but splendid.

The credits rolled, but Rafael didn’t budge from his position; instead, he tightened his grip around her shoulders and had to resist the urge to run his fingers through her brunette locks. “What did you think?”

“I never made you for a romantic movie kind of guy, but that was great,” she said sincerely. “Tonight has been so nice, Rafael.”

“Well, now you can say that you’ve seen the movie. I’m so glad you enjoyed it.” He rested his head against hers and quietly exhaled, an easy silence filling the room. The coffee had cleared any traces of tipsiness from their systems, and they clung onto each other, breaths gradually falling into sync, until Olivia looked up at the clock on the wall and realised it was close to midnight. If she didn’t move now, she’d never be able to tear herself from his embrace.

“I hate to end this, but I really should get home soon and get some sleep before work tomorrow morning,” she pointed out with a tinge of disappointment in her voice. Responsibility called and there was nothing more she hated than going to work without a shower and fresh change of clothes (not to mention the gossip that would follow), but the thought of leaving Rafael’s apartment remained thoroughly unappealing.

“Thanks for coming, Liv.” He reluctantly stood up and ushered her to the door while she put her boots back on and called an Uber to take her back home. “I really hope we get to do this again sometime.”

Did that come off too desperate? He looked at her anxiously and waited for her reaction with bated breath - how had he been reduced to a nervous teenager in just one night? This wasn’t even a real date, and here he was, nervous as he had been with Lauren back in the day.

“Me too, Rafael,” she beamed, which slowed his racing heart. “I had a great time.”

They stood awkwardly in his doorway, unable to decide what to do next as they waited for her Uber to arrive. Say goodbye just like that? Too clinical. Touch the other’s shoulder? That felt inadequate.

Hug? _Kiss_?

Probably not the latter, they both knew (with some disappointment), but that still left them with a multitude of other options. What were they, exactly? Friends, of course, but did people who were _just_ friends have their arms around each other as they watched a movie?

Olivia looked at her phone and realised that she couldn’t afford to hesitate for much longer. “The Uber’s coming. I’d better get in the elevator. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

“Okay. Text me when you get home safe?”

She nodded, brown eyes exhausted from the long day but still twinkling with happiness, and turned to leave.

_Fuck it._

Rafael mustered all the courage he needed in a split-second. He stepped towards her, took her in his arms, and planted a long, slow, intimate kiss on her forehead.

“Goodnight, Liv.”

She unsuccessfully hid her blushing cheeks and delighted smile. “Goodnight, Rafa.”

The spot where he’d kissed her continued to tingle all the way home. This was getting dangerous, and she knew better than anyone that this couldn’t go _any_ further - not before she sorted things out with Ed or broke things off with him.

_But you’re doing nothing wrong, Olivia. Just enjoy this._

She and Rafael hadn’t crossed a line, despite all the opportunities they had to do precisely that.

Maybe they’d be okay after all. They’d _better_ be okay, because she wasn’t sure if she could live without this if they ever regressed back into another cold war.

The Uber driver had the radio tuned to an 80s hits station, and she quietly hummed along to Cher and Michael Jackson until the familiar opening bars of the next song played and stunned her into silence.

It took a few seconds for her to figure it out, but she took it as a sign that the universe was agreeing with her when she heard the opening bars of _I’ve Had The Time of My Life_ pipe through the speakers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for your patience with my updates! i'll be updating this once a week for the foreseeable future (likely on Sundays or Mondays). 
> 
> as usual, you can find me at @immen_sity on Twitter if you wanna chat!


	10. That's How Rumours Get Started

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia and Ed find themselves standing at the crossroads, while Rafael learns a very juicy, game-changing piece of information from Rita Calhoun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you hate Ed Tucker, this is the chapter for you! something big's brewing, and this is only the beginning... 
> 
> basically, here's another ridiculously long chapter (9000+ words) that i hope will tide everyone over until next week's update! i hope you all enjoy this one.

“Are you all packed up? Need me to help you with anything while you’re gone?”

“No, I’m good, but thank you,” Ed replied with a slight smile. “It’s just three days in Albany.”

She frowned into the glass of wine she was nursing. “This is awfully sudden. I was hoping we’d be able to sit down and you know, talk... about everything that’s been going on between us?”

He frowned apologetically. “I’m sorry for going on such short notice. It’s just too good an opportunity to pass up.”

“No, you should go. I know this is important.” Albany meant that Ed’s departure from IAB was well and truly confirmed. The police conference he was attending was one thing; more important was that in attendance would be numerous other NYPD captains and chiefs, many of whom were probably eager to entice Ed to join their departments now that he was free of IAB. The residual soreness from his sudden departure still bothered Olivia, but the realisation that he’d soon be in a brand new position provided a modicum of hope. Perhaps things would look up for both of them if he found a position he was truly happy in.

A ping on both their phones interrupted their conversation, and Olivia absent-mindedly picked hers up from the kitchen counter. Her eyes shot open when she glanced at the screen and realised it was an email from Delta, bearing some news she’d nearly forgotten about in the midst of all the recent chaos.

_This email is to remind you that your flight to PARIS Charles de Gaulle Airport (CDG) departs in TWO weeks. Select your seat and purchase your upgrades…_

Paris.

She’d almost forgotten that she and Ed had tickets to Paris. Whether that still was happening, she didn’t know. They’d split the cost of the tickets between them, so she could always choose to back out and forfeit her and Noah’s tickets if she wanted to, but was that too drastic a move? Suddenly, she felt anxiety flood her body; anxiety to figure out whatever this situation with Ed was.

Olivia looked up at Ed, who was also staring at his phone with an identical expression. “Paris…?” she started.

“Yeah,” he muttered half-heartedly. “It’s coming up soon, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” she muttered back.

Neither of them spoke for a few seconds, leaving a thick silence hanging in the air. Olivia stared at the email, the stock photos of the Eiffel Tower and Arc de Triomphe taunting her. She’d been so excited to go to Paris. Opportunities kept eluding her because of her busy schedule the past few years, but ironically, now that she actually had tickets booked, the problem was no longer with her schedule but instead with her travel companion.

_Haven’t booked your hotel yet? Click HERE for hotel offers in the City of Love!_

Damn it. The thought of touring the City of _Love_ with a person with whom her love was on the rocks made her stomach lurch. And she would have Noah, on his first international trip, in tow. How could she possibly deal with that stress?

Olivia’s mind wandered back to her session with Dr. Lindstrom from a few days ago.

_Right now it sounds like both of you to take a step back from this. Not talk for a few days so you have the space to sort out your emotions._

Right now, with Ed going to Albany, that was wise, well-timed advice.

“Maybe we should take a break for a few days and talk about this when you get back from Albany,” she suggested.

She was relieved when Ed looked like he was on board with the idea. “I think that’s for the best. I’ll text you when I get back?”

“Yeah, let’s do that. And Ed… I’m sorry. For everything.”

He took her hand from across the counter and squeezed it gently. “I’m sorry too, Liv. I know things have been difficult. I really hope we can get past all of this.”

“Me too.”

This was the most calm and affectionate they’d been with each other in a long time, and for a second Olivia thought she saw the _old_ Ed - the one she originally fell in love with and really wanted back. To know that he still existed beneath the layers of hurt, betrayal and mistrust between them was profoundly comforting, and she found herself dropping her guard by the second.

She squeezed his hand back. “Drive safe, okay? I’ll see you soon.”

Ed broke out into a genuine smile, which warmed Olivia’s heart more than she thought it would. “I will. Take care while I’m gone, Liv. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He walked over to her side of the kitchen counter and kissed her tenderly before bidding her goodbye.

Three days to think about everything. It felt like there was too much on the line, but as she tucked Noah into bed and mulled over their exchange, she was relieved. Perhaps some distance between her and Ed - both physical and emotional - would make a difference.

Three days more. The true test was what would happen when Ed got back from Albany.

* * *

Olivia hadn’t ventured into Central Park for weeks, which was rare for an Upper West Side dweller like herself. The complexities of her love life had completely taken away any bandwidth she had left for recreation and leisure, but after seeing the beautiful weather outside and hearing Noah’s excited squeals, she couldn’t resist making a trip, and called Amanda, who happily joined her with Jesse and Frannie in tow. They perched on one of rocks by the Heckscher Playground and watched as Noah excitedly frolicked with Frannie.

Amanda took a swig from her flask of iced coffee and couldn’t help but notice the distant, absent-minded look on her lieutenant’s face, so out-of-place and incongruous with the joyous energy of the playground around them. “Penny for your thoughts, Liv?”

Olivia sat up when she heard Amanda’s voice. “Sorry. Got a lot on my mind.” _Ed. IAB. Rafael._ Where even could she begin? Was it something she even wanted to share with Amanda?

“Is it anything you want to talk about?”

It wasn’t like Amanda Rollins to leave people alone, and her Southern nosiness - despite her rejection of almost everything Southern - often got the better of her. Olivia’s eyes shifted from the blonde to check on Noah, who was still excitedly playing with Frannie a few yards away. Something about his innocent, carefree manner stirred something in her: how she wished she didn’t have so much weighing on her mind. And it made her want to _finally_ , finally confide in someone about what was going on, or at least some of it, to the willing listener she had beside her.

Amanda interjected gently before Olivia could respond. “Are you and Tucker doing alright?”

 _Spot-on._ Amanda made such a good detective for that reason. Olivia didn’t miss how she referred to him as “Tucker” instead of “Ed” - she wasn’t expecting any more, especially after the debacle with Kim and the insurance policy. And she wasn’t surprised that Amanda had noticed the recent shift in Ed’s behaviour: from visiting her at the precinct almost every single day to not visiting _at all_ (the one thing Ed did right to fix their relationship, Olivia could acknowledge).

“Honestly, we aren’t doing so well. It’s complicated,” Olivia sighed. “Things have been rough for over a month now.”

“What happened?”

“Things got bad after the sex trafficking investigation, and it’s been downhill from there. I had to stop him from coming by the precinct every single day. It feels like we can’t catch a break,” Olivia explained, making sure to keep her explanation as vague as possible for the time being. Not that she didn’t trust Amanda, but she wasn’t about to go around telling people that she’d cheated on her partner with someone in their work circle.

“Ah. Sonny and I noticed that he wasn’t coming by anymore,” Amanda pointed out, although she was careful to keep her tone neutral and matter-of-fact. She wasn’t about to rub salt in Olivia’s wound with her personal dislike of Ed Tucker. “But you guys are working through things, right?”

“We’re trying. Ed’s gone to Albany for that policing conference, so we’ve decided to take a break for a few days to let things simmer down.”

“Albany? I didn’t realise IAB was invited to the conference too?”

 _Oh._ Olivia’s face fell when she realised that Amanda hadn’t heard the news. “Ed’s actually just left IAB,” she clarified. “He’s going up there to meet with other captains and chiefs to explore his options for his next posting.”

Amanda barely concealed her surprise. “Wow. Tucker’s left IAB? That’s… big news. I definitely never saw that coming.”

Knowing that other people were just as shocked as she was that Ed had left IAB didn’t make her feel much better; in fact, it simply confirmed her feeling that his decision to leave his career behind made little to no sense. So strongly had he cemented his role as the official SVU villain that even Amanda was shocked to hear of his departure. “I didn’t see it coming either.”

Olivia’s uncomfortable expression and stilted response weren’t easy to miss. “How do you feel about it, Liv?”

“Honestly?” Olivia sighed deeply. “I’m not sure I like the idea. He told me that he left his job _for me_ , and whether or not I was the only reason he did that, I never asked him to do that for me,” she explained, her tone growing increasingly heated and annoyed.

“How did things get so bad anyway, that he felt like he had to leave his job? It’s a pretty drastic step, especially for him…”

Olivia knew precisely how things had gotten this bad, but paused to contemplate her response before she opened her mouth again. The only people who were _fully_ in the know about everything were herself and Dr. Lindstrom - did she want to let Amanda in on her secrets? Her heart thumped loudly in her chest; her cheeks felt flushed.

 _Embarrassment._ Olivia realised that she was _embarrassed_ of everything she’d done; this limbo she was in with both Rafael and Ed. That she was struggling to have a decent conversation with the man she loved while also struggling with her maybe-feelings for a friend she thought she loved too. The problems just didn’t stop coming.

Thankfully, Amanda instantly picked up on Olivia’s discomfort and decided to gently steer the conversation away from IAB and the skeletons in her closet. “You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with, Liv. But I hope you manage to sort things out soon. Are you two still planning to go to Paris?”

Paris. Visions of a sickeningly sweet stroll along the Champs-Elysees popped into her head, and she had to stop herself from grimacing. “We’re planning to sort that out when he gets back from Albany. I don’t know… would _you_ go?” She turned to Amanda expectantly, silently praying for some clarity on the situation.

Amanda took another sip of her coffee and pondered over the question for a few seconds. “I don’t know what exactly happened between you and Tucker… but if some time away from New York and work is going to help things, maybe you should take the trip. And it’s not like you have to be joined at the hip when you get there, anyway. Take an afternoon off, bring Noah to see something nice. You’re allowed to enjoy yourself.”

That was a good point. The travel agent hadn’t signed them up for any packages or tours, and a “romantic” vacation didn’t necessarily mean that she and Ed had to walk hand-in-hand all day long. And she would have Noah with her - a point she’d often forgotten about when thinking about the trip, much to her chagrin, because she was so consumed by her own problems with Ed.

“Anyway, you have three days to think about it. But in the meantime… how does lunch sound?” Amanda offered. “I know a great kid _and_ dog-friendly place.”

Olivia looked up and scanned the playground for Noah, who was excitedly clambering over a rock formation while Frannie sprinted in circles around him. “Come on Noah, let’s get lunch with Jesse and Aunt Amanda!”

Noah turned in the direction of her voice and sprinted right into her arms, which made her heart swell. Here was one (little) man in her life whom she knew wouldn’t run away from her while she was in the thick of this, and she excitedly lifted him up, not caring that he was getting too heavy for her to carry comfortably.

“You going to be okay?” Amanda whispered as the group strolled out of the park and towards their waiting Uber.

“I think so,” Olivia whispered back as she gripped Noah’s hand. “We’ll see what happens.”

* * *

“Our monthly catch-up _two_ months in a row? This is unusual.” Rita took a sip of her lavender latte and glanced across the table at her visibly troubled friend. “What’s on your mind?”

Rita had a point. Rafael and her supposedly monthly catch-ups usually ended up being bimonthly or even once a quarter due to their hectic schedules, but she’d heard the sadness and uncertainty in his tone over the phone and realised that Rafael probably had something he wanted - no, needed - to talk about. And so they found themselves sitting on a Greenwich Village sidewalk, far enough from both of their offices that they wouldn’t run into anyone they knew.

“Honestly, a lot is going on and I don’t really know where to start,” he sighed.

She leaned in concernedly. “First question, as always - is this work-related or personal?”

“I’d like to think it’s personal, but it bleeds so much into work that I can’t tell anymore.” His coffee suddenly tasted sour in his mouth, and the croissant he’d ordered didn’t look as appetising as it did when he picked it out of the display case.

“I’m all ears, Raf.” It helped that she was having a day off and hence dressed casually, which reminded him more of the confidante he’d had at Harvard and not her fierce courtroom persona, which still unnerved him slightly even though he’d never admit it to her. He needed Rita the _friend_ , not Rita the lawyer.

Rafael scanned their surroundings for anyone they knew, and even though all they could see were NYU students, he dipped his voice to a hushed whisper. “Actually… I was hoping to ask _you_ something, Rita.”

Rita eyed him suspiciously, but nodded her consent.

“What can you tell me about Ed Tucker?”

Her eyes shot open and Rafael instantly sensed that she had _a lot_ to share. “Ed Tucker?”

That was a name she hadn’t heard in a while. Sure, he was a big shot in the NYPD and she’d even represented Olivia Benson in the aftermath of the William Lewis saga when Tucker and his IAB team went after her for “police brutality” bullshit (only after Rafael had begged her to), but he remained a sensitive topic for Rita. There wasn’t a single person in her social circles who didn’t know that she and Ed had previously dated when she was a prosecutor, even though she had always been notoriously tight-lipped about the details of said relationship and break-up. “What does this have to do with anything?” she enquired.

“Please just tell me, Rita. You know I’m not going to divulge _any_ details to _anyone_. Especially the people we know,” he asked imploringly. “You never told me about your involvement with him back in the day.”

Rita instantly detected the desperation in his tone - a desperation he _never_ revealed, not even when he was facing a mammoth obstacle in a trial - and guessed that this wasn’t a work-related query. He didn’t need dirt on Ed Tucker’s professional history; she was sure that he knew enough about that, since he worked with SVU, which was also popularly known as IAB’s favourite target. But what _personal_ business did he have with Ed Tucker, especially after the Catholic Church investigation had closed?

 _Olivia Benson_. Of course.

This _definitely_ had to do with Olivia Benson. Rafael had always taken a special interest in the brunette detective. And now he was asking about her boyfriend? _Something_ was on his mind.

“Is this really about Olivia, Raf?” she asked with an eyebrow raised, although she could tell by the guilt that washed over this face the instant she brought up Olivia’s name that the answer was a resounding yes. “Look, I know you two are friends.” _Or something more_ , she completed in her head, but she didn’t bring it up out of fear of embarrassing him.

Rafael begrudgingly nodded. What else did he expect? He’d known Rita for over twenty years. If there was one person who could see through him, it was her.

“You’ve never been the gossipy type. You’re not planning to use this information against Ed or Olivia, are you?” she pressed.

“No, of course not. I’m just… curious.”

Rita clearly wasn’t very satisfied with his explanation, but she trusted him enough to be safe in the knowledge that Rafael wouldn’t run around spreading information. The desperate tone, the fact that he’d specially convened this very meeting - he’d clearly been working up the nerve to ask for a while, and she wasn’t about to leave one of her oldest friends hanging.

“You’ve probably heard by now that Ed’s turned in his papers?” she mentioned casually. _Surely_ he knew about that - the NYPD gossip circles were small and tight. What she didn’t expect, however, was the look of genuine astonishment on her friend’s face.

“Wait. _What?_ ” Rafael couldn’t hide his genuine shock. _Ed Tucker’s left IAB?_ He must’ve been transported to a parallel universe, because Ed Tucker leaving IAB was like Olivia Benson leaving SVU - it felt like an integral part of his identity in the NYPD.

“I thought everyone’s heard about that by now. Even I did, and I left the DA’s office 5 years ago. But that’s not all - rumours are flying that Ed left IAB because of _Olivia_ ,” she stated, voice deliberately lingering on the last word. “It’s just a rumour, of course, but word on the street’s that he decided to leave because Olivia wasn’t comfortable with his job.”

“How did people even arrive at that conclusion?” Rafael was still getting over the shock of learning that Ed Tucker had quit IAB, but hearing Olivia’s name come into the picture made him extremely uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted was for her to come across as some sort of career-wrecker or controlling girlfriend, which he knew perfectly well wasn’t true, but still - people who didn’t know Olivia personally were bound to speculate, especially given how implausible it seemed for Ed to quit in the first place.

Or had Olivia really told Ed to quit his job? Were they in the midst of rebuilding their relationship, with this being one of the steps they were taking? And where did that leave Rafael? He had a distinct feeling that Olivia hadn’t told Ed about their kisses in the hotel room or canoodling over _Dirty Dancing_ in his apartment, and couldn’t help the wave of anxiety that shot up and down his spine.

Rita tapped her fingers against the handle of her coffee cup and knitted her eyebrows. “I don’t know - shouldn’t _you_ be the one in the know? I only know that this is _very_ recent news. Overheard it about a week ago, or maybe less. Aren’t you and Olivia close? Or is she still mad at you for investigating Ed? I’m surprised that you didn’t know a thing.”

“I only know that Liv and Tucker have been having… some problems lately. I didn’t know he’d quit his job,” Rafael stuttered. _And I’m part of these problems they’re having_ , he thought.

_Should I tell Rita?_

His mind flashed back to his and Rita’s previous catch-up at Forlini’s, when he’d hesitated to tell her the truth about what’d happened between him and Olivia. A month on and it felt like things were even worse now. _Something_ clearly was brewing between him and Olivia, but they were clearly also stuck in limbo. Olivia was still with Ed. He clearly was the third party in whatever this was. There was the sex; the kisses. But the movie? Their pasta dinner? Was that cheating? Emotional cheating? Rafael fought his overwhelming urge to put a label on this clusterfuck of a situation. He could barely wrap his head around it as it was.

 _Am I okay with this?_ Rafael wordlessly nibbled on his croissant. Feeling guilty for being close to Olivia, at least until she and Ed broke it off? Knowing that his feelings for her would probably never materialise? Even if she did break it off with Ed, there was far too much emotional baggage attached to their relationship now. It’d never make for a healthy romantic relationship.

The already-serious mood was turning increasingly sombre by the second, and Rita didn’t press him for more. So much of him was screaming that he would have Olivia Benson in any possible way because he loved her so _damn_ much; another part of him urged him to run away now. Yet sense fled him whenever he saw Olivia - her smile, her brown eyes, her confident strut. He couldn’t see her and _not_ want to touch her; kiss her; take her in his arms.

She was distracting in every damn way possible, including in this very moment.

Rafael quickly washed down his unappetising croissant with another sip of coffee and turned his attention back to Rita, who was visibly antsier than she had been just a few minutes ago. Ed Tucker definitely was a sensitive subject, even after all this time, and as terrible as he felt for gossiping, her reaction only piqued his curiosity even more.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what were things like between _you_ and Tucker?” he asked softly, careful not to come off too strongly.

Rafael wondered if she was going to answer his question truthfully. She hadn’t even shared much with him when she was dating the now-former IAB captain - surely something unpleasant had transpired between them when they were dating. What made him think that she would be willing to spill now?

But the situation at hand with Olivia felt wildly out-of-control, and _any_ information on Ed Tucker - _anything_ to make him feel better - would make him feel like he had a modicum of control over what was going on. The last time they’d even spoken about Ed, even briefly, was at Washington Square Park the day after she’d woken up in his bed, and he gazed at the imposing arch in the distance, mind wandering back to that conversation. They couldn’t avoid talking about Ed forever. He just had to find a way to bring it up, and maybe Rita would have an answer.

Vulnerability - and was that _hurt_? - flashed through Rita’s eyes. “It was a long time ago, Raf.”

For a few seconds Rafael thought that it was all Rita had to say. It’d been years since he’d last seen her so fragile; at such a loss for words. Had things between her and Ed really been that bad? He suddenly wished he hadn’t been so busy in Brooklyn during the break-up.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat and fiddled with her manicured nails. “It was difficult between us from the start. Everything happened fast. I was _so_ busy working multiple homicide cases, and we drifted apart… I really didn’t have much time to spend with him, and he started getting incredibly possessive and overbearing. Sometimes he’d show up at my office in the middle of the day; other times he’d demand to know where I was after work. I don’t think he liked that I was friends with Matt.” She was referring to Matthew Berkeley, of course - her co-partner at her current firm, and Rafael and her friend since their Harvard Law days. “It felt like I was being backed into a corner and it was… difficult. And somehow I just let Ed take charge. That’s why I didn’t tell you what was going on,” she added apologetically.

“God, I’m so sorry, Rita.” Rafael didn’t quite know what to feel. Guilt, for not supporting Rita when she was with Ed (not like Ed would want him to support her, anyway). Relief, that his friend was free of that - she was so independent and strong-willed that it was difficult for him to imagine her being pushed around by _any_ man. Worry, that Olivia was going through the same with Ed - showing up at his girlfriend’s office far too often and being possessive? It seemed awfully familiar. He realised he was gripping the handle of his coffee cup so tightly that it was trembling in his palm.

“It really didn’t feel like me, that whole relationship. I even considered quitting my job for him because he made me feel so bad about being busy all the time. Me, quitting my job! Of course I’d never do that for anyone now, but back then it actually seemed plausible,” Rita confessed with some embarrassment. “It was never going to last. The more he pushed me, the more I retreated from him. Shut him out. It made him _furious_.”

“How did it end?” Rita looked close to cracking, but she sounded like she had a secret to divulge to him, and he wasn’t going to deny her the chance to finish the story.

“Let’s just say that…” She lowered her eyes and stared at her lap. “... there was a _breach of trust_ , if you get what I mean.”

Rafael blurted the first thing that came to his mind. “Oh my God - did you… you know… cheat on Ed?”

Horror crossed her face and Rafael instantly regretted his words. “No! Of course not! Why would you think that? You know me.”

He quickly collected himself when he saw her hurt expression. _Of course Rita would never do that!_ As conniving and cold as she could be in court, she was one of the most fiercely loyal and honest people he knew. This situation with Olivia definitely was messing with his head. “Of course. I’m sorry, Rita. I know you’d never do that.”

She stared him down and spoke with grave seriousness, although her pained expression never once left her face. “Rafael, Ed Tucker cheated on _me._ ”

_Oh. My. God._

Rafael’s breath caught and all he could do was stare at his friend in wide-eyed shock, mouth agape. He didn’t know yet what exactly this meant for him or Olivia, but one thing was for sure - this was _huge_. Ed Tucker, cheating on Rita Calhoun? That was the kind of gossip that could easily bring people down, especially in the circles they worked in.

Did Olivia know about this?

What would she do if she found out, assuming she didn’t already know?

Why did Rafael even care anyway?

And maybe, just maybe, Rafael felt _a little_ less guilty about coming between Olivia and Ed. Sure, Olivia was a cheater and that realisation made him sick, but so was Ed. And if she didn’t already know, and she found out, maybe she and Ed would break it off and that’d leave her single and…

_Stop it, Rafael!_

This was nothing but a juvenile, deluded train of thought and he didn’t want to go down that path. _Focus on Rita_. He stared at his coffee cup and then his friend, who continued talking after letting him catch his breath.

“You’re one of probably five people who knows about this, and two of them are my parents,” she admitted. “Ed came clean to me a few days after it happened, and it was over quickly. He had the gall to ask me to take him back, but I told him _absolutely not_. God, it feels good to get this off my chest.”

Rafael was still incredulous. “I can’t believe that happened to you. I really didn’t expect that from Ed Tucker, of all people.”

“Kind of ironic that he spends - I mean, _spent_ \- his career chasing dirty cops and ended up betraying me in such a personal way,” Rita remarked with a dry laugh. “Look, I don’t know if there’s anything going on between Olivia and Ed or if what happened to me is related to whatever… _problems_ they’re having. I haven’t talked to Ed in ages, even when I defended Olivia a couple of years ago. Maybe he’s changed for the better. But all I know is what happened between us.”

He cringed being reminded of that post-William Lewis investigation - how he’d called Rita at 11pm begging her to represent Olivia and refusing to hang up until she either agreed or recommended someone else who could. “God, I’m sorry about that. I shouldn’t have talked you into facing Ed Tucker.”

“You didn’t know. It’s not on you. And I have to admit - it felt pretty damn good to stare him down at IAB. Things really looked up for me after I left him. Left the DA’s office, started my own firm, and now…”

“You charge slimy low-lifes $1000 an hour,” he completed with a smirk.

“I meant to say that I’ve never let anyone walk all over me like that again, and it feels great. But go ahead, make this all about my legal fees,” she retorted.

He laughed, but then quickly steered their conversation back to the situation at hand. “I’m glad you got out of that, Rita. I never had a good feeling about that guy.”

A concerned frown re-appeared on her face. “Can I ask you why you came to me looking for the scoop on Ed Tucker? Again, you’ve never been the gossipy type. And you mentioned Olivia and Ed the last time we met. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“I was just curious, Rita. Nothing more,” he replied unconvincingly.

 _What the hell is keeping me from telling her?_ Rafael nervously fiddled with his suspenders. Was it really sensible to tell Rita that he’d been a third party when she’d been burned by a cheater? If she were petty enough, she’d probably rejoice that Ed got his just desserts by being cheated on himself, but he doubted that Rita would stoop to that level. And there was a reason she’d taken so long to admit what’d happened, even to one of her best friends. Scandals like this had a way of taking on a life of their own, especially when they were fresh, and even if he trusted her, perhaps it was best to wait until he was at least _out_ of this before he told her.

God, how he wished they were back in Harvard, when their stupid, youthful mistakes didn’t seem to have long-term consequences. He’d skipped a final to drive back to New York to see Yelina and barely passed the class. She’d faked a medical emergency to get out of a huge group presentation with a boy she’d just broken up with and almost gotten caught. Both times, and many more, they’d laughed about it after the fact while sitting on the floor of their resident lounge with a box of pizza or over ice cream at JP Licks. Now it felt like every step they took had a landmine hiding under it.

He’d tell her someday. But not today.

“I’m just saying - if all this is because you’re concerned about Olivia for whatever reason, don’t intervene on her behalf, please. She’s going to hate that. I’m sure you already know that, but still… don’t.”

“I’m not going to do anything, Rita,” he replied. When he’d come to her for the scoop on Ed, he certainly hadn’t been expecting her to reveal something _this_ controversial. But all this new information was bound to send his mind racing, and it was going to take some willpower for him _not_ to spill what he’d just learned to Olivia. He couldn’t possibly betray Rita’s privacy, but why was a part of him screaming at himself to protect Olivia from Ed, in whatever twisted way he could? Rita was right - Olivia could take care of herself, and it wasn’t his place to interfere _again_ and make things worse than they already were.

Anyway, there was nothing he could _actually_ do, right?

“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid, Raf. I don’t think I’d have the strength to defend you in court,” she added with a weary smile.

Rafael nodded, not revealing to her that he’d _already_ done something terribly stupid. At least it wasn’t the kind of mistake that’d land him in court as the defendant.

* * *

“So… I’ve heard that Ed decided to leave IAB.”

Rafael and Olivia were hunched over an array of case files and hastily-scribbled notes in his living room, hands clutching freshly-brewed cups of coffee. The DA’s office had closed at the unreasonably early hour of 5pm for some essential repairs, and they weren’t about to sit in his office in hot weather without any air-conditioning, especially when he’d refused to trade his three-piece suits for more season-appropriate wear. Hence, here they were, Chinese take-out consumed and in the thick of work.

But Rafael had much more than just work on his mind. After his conversation with Rita at the cafe from the day before, he’d spent a sleepless night mulling over what she’d told him. Did he want to talk to Olivia about it? Even if he didn’t, it’d taken that conversation for him to realise that he had absolutely _no clue_ about how Olivia was doing with Ed, and as begrudgingly as he accepted that it wasn’t his place to ask, it pained him to know that there was an entire section of her personal life that they couldn’t talk about as the friends they claimed they were. He’d been sneaking quiet, furtive glances at her as they studied their case files, wondering when to bite the bullet, and now he’d flung that door wide open.

Olivia had made herself comfortable on his couch, cross-legged and hugging one of his pillows, but the sudden remark _and_ casual tone with which it’d slipped out jolted her. “How did you know?” she snapped back instinctively. She was sure that she hadn’t told anyone in her squad other than Amanda, and especially not Rafael - the words “Ed” and “Tucker” were practically forbidden in their conversations.

“The NYPD leaks like a sieve, Liv,” he pointed out, tone flat and neutral. “Is it true that he quit because of you?”

Olivia’s heart raced. This was the first time in a _long_ time that she and Rafael were talking about Ed, and he’d come out swinging. And people were _gossiping_ about her and Ed now? “Why do you want to know?” The question, as genuine as it was, came out with far more aggression than she’d wanted, and she kept her gaze trained on the stack of papers on her lap.

“When I hear about my friend through the grapevine, I want to make sure she’s okay,” he retorted icily when he heard her antagonistic tone, although she clearly saw the concern in his eyes.

“I really don’t think the two of us should be talking about Ed, Rafael.” She knew it; he knew it too. But that didn’t stop him from pushing the issue.

“Well, I heard about this from Rita Calhoun, of all people, and it’s apparently common knowledge now. But if you’re doing fine, I won’t ask anything more.” He put his hands up in mock surrender.

“Good, because we need to work,” she retaliated.

“Fine by me.” Rafael hid his hurt and turned back to the case files, while increasing the volume on the Easy 90s Spotify playlist that they had on in the background. In the absence of conversation, they both needed some white noise to detract from the awkwardness that had suddenly filled the room. The nauseatingly sweet stylings of Amy Grant’s _Baby Baby_ piped through the surround-sound speakers, and he instinctively hit the “next song” button on his phone - he couldn’t stand listening to a love song, especially not after his discussion with Rita _and_ the lure of the woman on the other side of his couch.

 _You’re Still The One_ by Shania Twain. Usually it made perfect background music, but today was not the day for an evergreen love song. _Next._

 _You Oughta Know_ by Alanis Morissette. How this aggressive anthem was “easy 90s”, he had no clue, but it made better background music than a saccharine love song… until Alanis wailed “are you thinking of me when you _fuck_ her?” and his mind instantly drifted back to Rita again. The anthem of a jilted lover. Olivia didn’t flinch - even if she did, she was hiding it well - and Rafael had to bite his tongue to resist the urge to ask her about Ed again. His big mouth was going to get him into massive trouble sometime, and he quickly advanced to the next song before this song took him any further down his destructive train of thought.

After a brief pause, the familiar opening bars of _It Must’ve Been Love_ reverberated through the room. _I can work with this_ , he thought gratefully, and moved his eyes back to his legal pad, until the chorus hit and he noticed Olivia shift uncomfortably in her seat, eyes glazed and distant. Clearly something about the song was bothering her, because she’d been completely fine before it started playing.

He abruptly paused the music, which filled the room with a tense silence once more, and instantly noticed Olivia trying her hardest (and failing) to keep her focus on the case files she was holding. “Liv. Are you okay?”

“Well...” she said tentatively, “I am _not_ okay.”

“Then talk to me,” he replied imploringly, green eyes flooded with concern. “We’re not going to get much done anyway, if there’s something on your mind.”

“It’s nothing. Just that Ed really likes this song and hearing it reminded me of him,” she explained in a half-whisper, while hugging a pillow to her chest once more.

 _Ed._ The song had accidentally opened the floodgates. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked again, hoping she’d finally open up to him if it didn’t start as a conversation about the gossip item of the week.

Olivia’s eyes started to water and she looked like she really, _really_ wanted to get something off her chest, but she hesitated. “Rafael… I wish I could, but I really don’t think it’s fair of me to talk to you, of all people, about the problems I’m having with Ed. I can’t make you listen to that.”

 _So she DOES want to talk to me about them._ But she was holding back for his sake. “I can take it, Liv, I promise.”

“You sure?” she asked skeptically.

“I’m sure,” he replied confidently, although he definitely wasn’t confident. His burning curiosity about Olivia and Ed didn’t fully cancel out the twinges of jealousy he still felt whenever he thought about the now-former IAB captain. But it looked like Olivia needed a friend, and he was going to be that friend, regardless of his buried feelings - the pain in her voice made that clear as day.

“So… you know that Ed’s quit his job,” she remarked defeatedly. “And you’re right. He said he left IAB because of me.”

 _So the rumours_ are _true_. “What happened?”

“Things have been a mess since… the incident between the two of us.” Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and tried not to stumble over her words. “Ed started getting really clingy and showing up at the precinct all the time and I just _let_ him do that because I felt bad about what happened. And then he got _possessive_ and tried to stop me from handling the Heredio threats…” Olivia continued to recount the events of the last few weeks, but Rafael struggled to pay attention, his mind zoning in on her choice of words.

 _Possessive_. The exact same word Rita had used to describe Ed. It didn’t feel like a coincidence.

 _I just let him do that_. Rita also had “just let Ed take charge”. Just what kind of spell did this (old) (man have over the two fiercely independent women he’d dated?

A wave of nausea rippled up Rafael’s gut, but he didn’t interrupt her. Thank goodness he’d asked Amanda and Sonny to take the lead on the BX9 threats, because he didn’t want to imagine how Ed would react otherwise.

“Nothing feels right now. Either Ed is too possessive or trying too hard to over-compensate for all the tension. And then he quit his job without telling me _anything_ , like it was some magic wand to make all our problems disappear. We were way past all our history and I _know_ the job isn’t what’s the problem here. And he’s expecting me to feel… grateful... for him leaving IAB now?” She angrily folded her arms and stared out the window at the passing traffic below. “I feel so damn suffocated.”

 _Why not just leave him then?_ Rafael wanted to ask, but thankfully had the sense to stop himself. Thank God Olivia was the one doing the talking, because he knew he’d exacerbate the already tense situation if he let his big mouth take over. Nothing about Ed and Olivia’s relationship sounded like it was going well. Was it the beginning of the end?

(Did that mean he stood a chance with Olivia?) ( _No - I can’t think that._ )

“We’ve argued so many times in the last month, and then had another big fight about him leaving IAB, and we’re supposed to talk about it again after he gets back from Albany tomorrow night. He booked us a trip to Paris and we’re leaving in less than two weeks and I don’t even know if that’s still happening…”

 _Fuck_ , he cursed under his breath as Olivia continued. The parallels between this conversation and the one he’d had with Rita were uncanny, except that Rita was recounting events from over five years ago and Olivia seemed to be relating a disaster in progress. Ed’s controlling behaviour was shaping up to be a pattern. But did Rafael want to be the one to tell Olivia that?

“And I feel like I can’t even complain about anything he’s done for me because I messed up first. Ed’s the most honest person I know and I let him down in the worst way. I know the fact that I cheated disgusts him even though he tries to hide it from me. I don’t know what’s gotten into him, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Rafael had his answer. _Yup, she **definitely** doesn’t know about Ed and Rita_.

Olivia paused to take a sip of her coffee and dab her eyes with the corner of her blouse sleeve, while Rafael stared awkwardly at his lap and contemplated his next move. How badly he wanted to take a deep breath and spill everything: to tell Olivia that she wasn’t alone; that Ed was a controlling monster; that he’d cheated on Rita and wasn’t the “honest” man she thought he was. To tell her to run far, far away from him and his chains. To tell her that she could afford to beat herself up just a little less, because Ed was just as much a cheater as she was. Ed’s volatility and bizarre behaviour had a perfect explanation now: a combination of guilt, rage, and penance from his own betrayal of Rita.

The look of guilt on Olivia’s face and her glistening eyes almost undid Rafael completely. She clearly was blaming herself for the mess that she and Ed were in, but he couldn’t get himself together to make the situation better. How did the very presence of Olivia Benson turn Rafael into an emotional mess every damn time? He couldn’t see things clearly anymore, and that made for a dangerous prospect.

But heck, no, he couldn’t betray Rita’s trust in him like that. It’d taken five years for her to open up to him about it, and he couldn’t let her down. She certainly expected more from Rafael than him blurting out a huge secret within two days of hearing it.

 _Keep your mouth shut, Barba._ Not because he wanted to, but because he _had_ to, even if it pained him.

Olivia must’ve finally noticed that Rafael hadn’t said anything in a long time, because she had put her coffee cup back on the table and was looking at him expectantly. _Talk to me. Tell me this is going to be okay_. She wanted his comfort; his arms around her - her eyes were begging him for it. But he couldn’t bring himself to move across the couch and do precisely that, as easy as it seemed. He couldn’t see this - see Olivia - through clear eyes. He couldn’t give in to his emotions, his desire, _this_ easily. And so he stayed rooted to his seat and watched her unravel further.

“I messed up so, so bad, Rafa. I don’t know if Ed and I can make things work now,” she choked, tears finally streaming down her face. “Why can’t I fix things? Why can’t I make things right again?”

_Ah, fuck._

He couldn’t just sit there awkwardly and watch as she leaked tears all over his couch. He wanted to be the friend she needed right now. If only the line between friendship and something more wasn’t so damn hazy, because that was the only thing keeping him from scooping her into his arms.

Rafael’s nagging conscience went into overdrive as he got up from his seat and slid next to Olivia, effortlessly taking her into his arms. “If there’s anyone who can fix things, it’s you, Liv.” The feeling of his skin against hers seemed to calm her down instantly, and her pained sobs immediately slowed to quiet whimpers.

God, he hated how much he was enjoying this. He hated himself for letting himself get so close to Olivia _again_ \- for suggesting they work at his place, for going to Rita for dirt on Ed, for feeling like he had some twisted sense of responsibility for “saving” Olivia from Ed despite knowing it was completely and utterly wrong of him to think it was his job. And he couldn’t just recoil, back away, and turn his back on her _now_ \- he was in too deep.

“I want to feel in control of my life again,” she whispered into his chest. “This feels like a nightmare I can’t wake up from.” Now she was even closer to him than before, and Rafael had to resist the urge to run his hand through her hair. That felt like something only lovers did, and he’d already encroached into Ed Tucker’s responsibilities more times than he could count. Instead, he rested his fingers on her arms, rubbing her skin comfortingly as she cried the last of her tears.

“Thank you for listening,” she mouthed, although she made no move to free herself from his embrace.

“Always, Liv.” Her forehead was a hair’s breadth from his lips - did he want to kiss it? His heart screamed at him to just _fucking_ do it; his head countered with a reprise of his inner monologue from earlier. Olivia had a way of reducing him to his most vulnerable, emotional self - the version of Rafael Barba who didn’t think things through. The endless duelling made his head spin.

_Ah, fuck it._

Olivia was already in his arms and no amount of lying to himself would convince him that he wasn’t enjoying this. It was as though _nothing_ would let him forget that his feelings for Olivia Benson were still blazing, Ed Tucker and the recent drama be damned. Rafael tightened his grip on Olivia and brought a hand to her cheek to wipe away the rest of her tears, the other still absent-mindedly rubbing circles on her shoulder. “Trust your instincts, Liv. I trust them. You should too,” he assured her.

“I just want everything to be okay again.” Whether or not her version of “okay” had Rafael in it, he almost didn’t care anymore - all he wanted to do was live in the present and burn this moment into his memory while he could still hold her.

He put his hands on her shoulders and looked directly into her eyes, voice resolute and confident. “You’re going to fix this, Liv. You’re going to have that talk with Ed, and you’re going to get through this.” He decided not to entertain the potential outcomes of that talk with Ed, especially since the outcome that she wanted would most certainly break Rafael’s heart.

She smiled appreciatively and the return of the light in her eyes sent his heart rate accelerating. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Rafael allowed himself to break into a soft smile, but had no clue if he’d made the right calls. His curiosity about Olivia’s relationship with Ed had been satisfied, but that still left him with the profoundly unsettling knowledge that Ed Tucker had screwed over and also was probably in the midst of screwing over _two_ of his closest friends. He was starting to get too involved in this for his own good, and this wasn’t anything like him, he realised with a sinking feeling. Nothing about the conversation he’d had with Rita brought him any comfort or assurance. What good was this dirt on Ed Tucker when he couldn’t bring himself to share it with Olivia? He couldn’t even blame anyone else but himself for opening that can of worms.

But he continued to embrace Olivia, focussing on the way her chest rose and fell against his, and the feeling of her silk blouse between his fingers. He rationalised this embrace as yet another tender moment between friends who needed to support each other. Rafael kissed the top of the head, rationalising that he’d grown up around adults who saw that as a perfectly platonic display of affection, although he knew deep down that it meant something more.

Everything with Olivia Benson - every touch, every caress, every fleeting look - would _always_ mean something more.

He was going to have to start accepting that, because there was only so much rationalising he could do.

* * *

“Anything interesting happen at the conference?” Olivia handed Ed his cup of coffee and took a seat beside him on the park bench - coincidentally, the same one they’d been sitting on when he’d first brought up the idea of going to Paris, after Mike Dodds’ funeral.

“The actual conference was pretty dull, but I did talk to many people. I think I’ll give Hostage Negotiation a shot. There’s an opening there, and I do have some _experience_ under my belt now.”

Olivia smiled wistfully remembering Ed’s commanding presence outside the King residence during the incident at the townhouse a few months back. When Joe Utley demanded she call someone high-ranking, she didn’t know what’d possessed her to call Ed, instead of someone like William Dodds or even Steven Harris, who out-ranked Ed. But she realised the instant she heard his voice over the phone that she’d chosen exactly the right person for the job. ESU experience and hostage refresher course aside, Ed Tucker just had a way of taking control of a situation - exactly what she needed that day. Someone steady; someone rock-solid. That was the Ed she’d fallen in love with and wanted back.

Perhaps his new position would be for the best, after all. She’d come to the park to meet him, still feeling unsure about the decision she’d made, but this revelation injected some hope in her chest.

“You saved my life that day, Ed,” she said sincerely. “You’ll be great in Hostage Negotiation.”

“No, you saved _yourself_ , Liv. You created the perfect opening for us to take Utley down.” Ed’s proud smile put her at ease, and she instinctively reached out to grab his hand, which he accepted gratefully.

“Is the posting confirmed yet?”

“We’ll sort it out over the next few weeks, but for now, it seems like it’ll work out as long as I’m interested,” he beamed.

“So… that means you have nothing on in the next few weeks?”

“No, probably not.” Realisation washed over his face when he realised that the elephant in the room was taking place in the next few weeks. “I guess we need to talk about that now,” he added, a look of worry crossing over his face.

“So…” she started, although her voice quickly trailed off, and she looked to Ed for guidance.

“So…” he continued, his tone equally unassertive.

Olivia took a giant sip of her coffee, not caring that it was burning her tongue.

_Trust your instincts, Liv. I trust them. You should too._

Rafael had said it to her: she fixed things. And she was going to fix this. “It really feels like we’re at the end of our rope, Ed,” she said sadly. “The more we try to make this work… the more it feels like we’re stuck.”

“I know how you’re feeling.” He paused and stared at his lap, but then took his phone out of his pocket. “If that’s what you want, I’ll call the travel agency and ask them to cancel the trip today. Maybe we can get some of our money…”

“I didn’t say that we should cancel our trip,” she interrupted, to which relief immediately flooded his eyes. “Look, we wanted this to be a nice getaway - maybe that’s what we’ll need to find each other again...”

“I sense a ‘but’ coming,” Ed interjected nervously.

“... but if we come back from Paris and things aren’t better, I think we’ll either have to do something far more drastic, or break this off,” she finished, voice trembling. The possibility of them breaking it off - this time for real - still shook her to the core even after days of mulling over the topic.

“So, Paris is our last shot, basically?” Ed clarified, although he noticeably hesitated on “last shot”, which unnerved her slightly. It sounded more like a death sentence than a couple trying to work things out, and that was the last thing she wanted.

“If that’s what you want, Ed,” she added cautiously. “I want to know what _you_ think is best too.”

He nodded slowly and exhaled. “I’m with you. It’s also what I was thinking when I was away. Maybe a change of scenery will help us. And I had a think about therapy…”

“And?” She was surprised that he’d even brought it up.

“I still don’t feel so comfortable going to therapy with you, but maybe as a start, I could go alone?”

That wasn’t quite the outcome Olivia was hoping for, but it was better than nothing, especially for a man who often kept his emotions cloistered. “Okay. That’s a great start.”

“I’ll make an appointment for when we get back from Paris.”

Olivia squeezed his hand and smiled into her coffee - it certainly felt like they’d made some progress after their 3-day break. It bode well for Paris; it bode well for them. “Everything in order for our trip?” she asked.

“Yup. I’ve got it all covered,” he beamed.

Half an hour of idle small-talk about the conference later, Ed watched Olivia stroll down the length of the park in the direction of the precinct, his heart unexpectedly full from a combination of their conversation and the realisation that they’d be going to Paris after all. He fished his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his email inbox for the most recent email he’d received from Delta. A few clicks later, he smiled seeing a new notification appear on his screen.

_You have successfully selected seats on your OUTBOUND flight (JFK to CDG) for the following passengers: TUCKER, Edward James; BENSON, Olivia Margaret; BENSON, Noah Porter. Thank you for flying with us!_

With that, everything was in order for their trip: a trip that he honestly didn’t think was possible. He couldn’t resist breaking into a grateful smile as he walked toward his parked car. _Paris_ \- a place he’d wanted to bring Rita Calhoun so badly, until that relationship went up in flames.

A relationship that went up in flames because of him.

Thank goodness Olivia had backed down on the couples’ therapy idea, because he couldn’t risk _this_ surfacing. The hazy night of debauchery, waking up in his bed next to a body that wasn’t Rita’s, the tears that’d streamed down her face and screams of betrayal the day he’d come clean to her - the memories made him sick to his stomach. He didn’t want the same thing for him and Olivia. He _couldn’t_ let that happen again.

Ed thanked his lucky stars that Olivia still didn’t know about what’d happened between him and Rita, and he was going to make sure things stayed that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! thank you so much for your continued support of this fic - your comments are the best kind of writing fuel, and have helped me stay motivated even as i navigate a really tough semester at school.
> 
> i just wanted to address a few of the comments i've gotten over time about the Liv-Ed-Rafael love triangle that's unfolding (and in the midst of collapsing, after this chapter). i'm firmly of the belief that even good people and characters we love can make terrible decisions, and this fic is precisely an exploration of that - how so many complex strands of tension can come together in the most emotionally charged, chaotic way possible, especially since the main issue at hand is so grey and ambiguous to begin with. so yes, i'm fully aware of how messy the love triangle is and how irrational Olivia and Rafael's decisions may seem - these were conscious choices - but i hope this chapter helped put some of your minds at ease! 
> 
> (i'm also not a fan of using Liv's sessions with Dr. Lindstrom as plot devices for this reason, and hence choose to include such scenes only very selectively. even when i do, however, i'd like to keep the focus on Liv and her agency and decision-making processes, and would rather not have Dr. Lindstrom enter the grey ethical territory of "signalling" in any way that she should choose Rafael, since i've always believed that a therapist's primary responsibility is to empower the person attending therapy instead of prescribing a "solution" for them.) 
> 
> i hope this clears things up, and i sincerely apologise to everyone i've stressed out with this fic. again, i'm floored by the response to my writing, and want to say another massive thank you to everyone who's stuck with me. this has been so enjoyable to write! 😊


	11. An American in Paris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia makes a life-changing decision while vacationing in Paris with Ed, and Rafael realises that he has a lot of thinking to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! hope everyone had a great week. i'll be working on my Barson Valentine's Day exchange fic this week, but will try my very best to update this fic ASAP as well. 
> 
> again, thank you so much for reading my work! 😊

Rafael eyed the passport on Olivia’s living room table and the Samsonite tucked in a corner - bigger than he’d expected, but then again, she was packing for two, and still had a stroller to push. “How long are you going to be away?”

“Ten days, but I’m not supposed to be at work for two weeks.” She’d told this to countless people at work over the last few days as she prepared to transfer command to Fin, but the realisation that she’d actually be _gone_ and not thinking about any work for an entire fortnight still hadn’t quite sunk in.

“Wow. Planning to spend all ten in Paris?” He noticed the Lonely Planet travel guide lying underneath her passport, its pages dog-eared and marked with tabs and Post-Its. Had she or Ed picked the spots they wanted to see? “I see you’ve done plenty of planning.”

“Just making sure that wherever we go is kid-friendly enough for Noah,” she explained. “Provided we make it to Paris in one piece, of course. We almost decided to pay a visit to Nice or Provence as well, but I don’t think Noah would be happy with the extra travelling.”

“I know this isn’t the most kid-friendly thing, but you _have_ to go to the Musee D’Orsay, Liv. Even better than the Louvre, in my opinion,” he suggested, voice suddenly filled with excitement. “Fell in love with it on a summer trip in my sophomore year at Harvard. I always go back whenever I’m in Paris.”

“If only you were coming with me. I could use an art history _and_ Paris expert as my tour guide,” Olivia casually remarked with a smile, although that smile immediately disappeared when she realised how that sounded. She was travelling to the City of Love with the person she _actually_ was dating - not Rafael.

Rafael flinched at the idea of going to Paris with her, but quickly recovered and turned his attention to the reason he was at her apartment in the first place - the case files on her kitchen counter. “Are those the case files I’m here to collect?”

“Oh, yes.” Olivia snapped back to reality and handed him the stack of folders. “Sorry for making you come all the way here to get them,” she added apologetically. She cast a quick glance at the clock next to the TV - 11pm. Not long more and she’d have to be at the airport with a very sleepy and irritable toddler in tow, while running on little sleep herself - not the most appealing combination.

“It’s fine, Liv.” He tucked the folders back into his briefcase - Olivia noticed he was still in his work clothes; had he come straight from 1 Hogan Place? Even if she never admitted this to anyone, she knew she was going to miss the sight of him buttoning up one of his freshly-pressed suits. “ _Bon voyage,_ Liv. I hope you have a lovely trip.”

“ _Merci beaucoup_ , Rafael,” she replied with a twinkle in her eye. “Hope the squad room doesn’t burn down in my absence.”

“We’ll be more than fine. You enjoy yourself with Ed and Noah. And… I’ll see you when you get back?” he added hopefully.

“Of course,” she smiled.

For a few awkward seconds they both hesitated, wondering what to do next, until he finally leaned in to give her a hug, second-guessing himself every single milli-second of the way. But the thought of not seeing her for two whole weeks, especially in light of recent events, pushed him over the edge. “See you soon, Liv.”

She drank in his scent and revelled in the feeling of his arms around her, although she took care not to let that show on her face. She was going to miss seeing him around, for sure. “You too, Rafa.”

With one last smile, he turned around and headed out the door of her apartment, footsteps echoing in the hallway.

Half an hour later, Olivia climbed into bed after setting an alarm for the ridiculously early hour of 4.30am. It was the _official_ start of her long-awaited vacation after months of hell. Her first time out of New York City for something other than police work for as long as she could remember. And it was Noah’s first-ever trip out of the country! For a baby born in such squalid, miserable circumstances, he certainly was living a charmed life now.

So why didn’t she feel more excited about it?

 _Right._ This trip was her “last shot” with Ed, and the excitement of being in a brand new city and continent didn’t quite cancel out the latent anxiety she felt about her deteriorating relationship. Maybe their long-awaited break from the city would _finally_ give them the clarity they needed to start anew… or it could end in catastrophe and heartbreak, without the unifying force of police work to keep their heads above the water.

But as she turned the lights down and tucked herself under her covers, she had a distinct feeling that she’d return to New York in ten days’ time without Ed Tucker by her side. This trip felt far too late - too late for them to undo all the cracks that’d formed in their once rock-solid relationship. The dread crept into her belly and flooded her body with a restless anxiety.

Perhaps this truly was the end for them.

They’d been trying so, so hard, but nothing was clicking. Either they were embroiled in some cold war, or going through the motions. The realisation had been quietly devastating, and she’d come to realise that her dinner dates with Ed no longer felt like little breaks from the everyday horrors of her job. Instead, she’d come to feel nothing for, or even _dread_ them, knowing how belaboured and hollow their “I love yous” and goodnight kisses felt.

Did she even love Ed anymore?

Olivia pulled the covers over herself and forced her eyes shut - she’d need sleep before flying across the Atlantic with a toddler in tow. If this really was her and Ed’s last hurrah, she was going to make it count. After all the hell she’d put them through, it was the least she could do.

* * *

“So… what do you want to do today?” Ed asked in a hushed whisper.

Olivia’s hand brushed lightly against her boyfriend’s bare chest and she instinctively moved closer to him, feeling their legs intertwine naturally. She could just barely make out the golden rays of sun through the shut curtains, and kept her voice quiet, wary of waking Noah from his peaceful slumber. “How about the Musee D’Orsay?” she suggested, carefully watching Ed’s face for his reaction.

Like she expected, Ed knitted his eyebrows and responded hesitantly. “Another art museum? Weren’t we just at the Louvre? I thought we could do some shopping or walk down the Champs-Elysees before our Eiffel Tower ticket reservation tonight.”

 _Yup, just as I expected_. Ed Tucker in a museum? She’d been surprised enough that he’d even agreed to go to the Louvre - he hadn’t even realised that it housed the Mona Lisa until she pulled up a website with evidence. “You know me - I’ve never been the kind to enjoy shopping.” Not that she had anything against walking down the Champs-Elysees or looking for attire that wasn’t either black or work-approved, but all she could think about after their Louvre trip was Rafael’s impassioned suggestion to visit the Musee D’Orsay, and she knew perfectly well that it’d bother her until she found her way there, with or without Ed.

“How do you want to do this, then?” he pressed.

Olivia pondered over the question for a few seconds, but recalled Amanda’s suggestion from their day at the park.

_And it’s not like you have to be joined at the hip when you get there, anyway. Take an afternoon off, bring Noah to see something nice. You’re allowed to enjoy yourself._

Suddenly, Olivia realised that it was the most appealing option to prevent another cold war between them - one that wouldn’t result in him sulking his way through another 50 galleries of artwork. “How about we split up? I can take Noah to the museum and we can meet for afternoon tea.”

“You sure you’ll be okay on your own?” Ed asked skeptically. “I mean, I _could_ follow you to the museum, but I’m not that interested in another morning of looking at paintings,” he admitted. Olivia knew from the expression on his face that he was holding back - annoyed that they were splitting up, perhaps? But she pretended she hadn’t seen it, and reached out to touch his shoulder reassuringly. Anything to get him from throwing a tantrum at this time in the morning.

“I’ll be fine with Noah, Ed.” She tried her best to hide her mild annoyance with Ed’s condescending tone - _of course_ she would be okay being with Noah on her own, even in a foreign country. And she spoke more than enough French to get by, for God’s sake (while he spoke none). However, she wasn’t about to get into an argument with him at 7.30am. “You enjoy yourself today; I’ll see you at the base of the Eiffel Tower later.”

“Alright, Liv,” he reluctantly agreed, and climbed out of bed to get ready for the day.

Olivia rolled over, feeling the mattress sink where Ed’s body had laid just a few seconds ago, and felt a twinge of guilt for heaving a sigh of relief. Paris was unimaginably beautiful and she hadn’t felt this refreshed in what seemed like forever, but somehow, it felt even better and _more_ beautiful without Ed by her side. They’d split up in the Louvre after pushing their way to the front of the crowd standing around the Mona Lisa - Olivia to the Greek antiquities and Egyptian art with Noah, and Ed for the Louvre cafe, where he’d sat quietly with a croque monsieur and coffee until she was done, Olivia feeling like she was being rushed the entire time even though Ed hadn’t complained much.

She’d asked to visit the Musee D’Orsay _knowing_ that Ed wouldn’t want to spend another morning staring at paintings, and knew exactly what that meant.

Maybe, just maybe, she wanted to get away from Ed.

Two hours later, Olivia and Noah emerged into the cavernous foyer of the Musee D’Orsay and drank in its expanse. Even the typically restless toddler sat quietly in his stroller and stared at the paintings with wide-eyed wonder, which Olivia relished with glee - perhaps she had a mini art critic in the making. For an idyllic summer’s day, the museum was surprisingly peaceful, and she strolled through its rooms and corridors slowly, until she came to a pause before one very familiar-looking painting.

_Georges Seurat, Étude pour "Un dimanche après-midi à l'île de la Grande Jatte"_

_A Study for ‘A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte’._ Olivia knew exactly where she’d seen that painting before - Rafael had a print of it hanging on his living room wall, right by his media closet. Now she wondered how he’d curated his living room art - why he’d chosen the pieces he had, what each painting or sculpture meant to him. She allowed herself to wonder what this visit would be like if he were standing right next to her, talking her through this gallery; would she see the same fire that she saw in his eyes whenever he talked about anything artistic or cultural? Even the way he’d talked about _Dirty Dancing_ just a few weeks ago had sent a shiver up her spine. She remembered the excitement and passion with which he’d emphatically recommended this very museum to her a few days ago, and felt that same shiver ripple through her once more.

All her life she’d been surrounded by cops and ADAs whose lives revolved around their jobs, and she certainly didn’t question Rafael’s commitment to justice, but knowing that he had interests outside the realm of law enforcement excited her more than she wanted to admit. They’d been friends for years, but only recently had she really felt like she really was peeling back the layers to his personality: he had an appreciation for the finer things in life that Ed Tucker simply didn’t have. Standing halfway across the world, in the middle of one of Paris’ - and probably the world’s - most celebrated cultural institutions, she somehow felt closer to him than she ever had before.

She turned her eyes back to the painting in a quiet awe, recalling the careful way he had the prints framed in his living room, and gently squeezed Noah’s hand. _What’s the story behind this one?_ she wondered. A happy memory of his first trip to Paris as a college student, perhaps? Perhaps he was a Seurat fan? She made a mental note to ask him when she got back.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it, Noah?” she whispered to her son, who giggled softly in response. She was sure that Rafael would be delighted to see Noah so interested in art at his young age - perhaps an art history lesson was in order when the boy got older.

Warm late-morning sun was starting to peek through the ornate glass windows, bathing her and Noah in radiant, golden light. A nagging curiosity about a certain ADA took root in the recesses of her mind and stayed with her all morning and through lunch, and almost made her forget who she’d actually come to Paris with.

Sure, she was having a good time with Ed, but she wondered how much of a better time she’d be having if she were here with Rafael instead.

Later that afternoon, right before she called an Uber to take her and Noah to the Eiffel Tower to meet Ed, Olivia approached a young woman outside the museum and asked her in her rudimentary French to take a picture of her and Noah, to which the woman cheerfully agreed.

“Tres belle!” she exclaimed with an ear-to-ear grin, as she handed the phone back to Olivia. Olivia thanked the young woman and closely inspected the photo, realising that it’d been ages since she looked this relaxed or joyful on camera. Being clad in a dress instead of her usual dark colour palette certainly helped, but she simply looked exceptionally _happy_ , and she knew that she’d be looking at this photo in a year’s time and thinking about what a lovely experience she’d had at the museum.

( _Without_ Ed.)

Olivia sent the picture to the SVU chat for Amanda, Sonny and Fin’s envious consumption, but her finger hovered over her chat with Rafael, which now had been lying dormant for a few days, their last correspondence a quick message to let him know that she’d arrived in Paris safely. Did she want to send him the photo too? Tell him that she’d successfully made it to his favourite museum in his favourite city?

The Uber pulled up before she could make a decision, and she lingered on that thought as they neared the base of the Eiffel Tower. In the distance, she could just spot Ed sitting on a bench, drinking his coffee like he’d been waiting there all afternoon, and her buoyant mood immediately evaporated. She hated herself for thinking this way - what kind of horrible person dreaded seeing their own boyfriend on what was meant to be a romantic vacation to Paris?

And she had a feeling that it wasn’t just fatigue from over five days of non-stop sightseeing.

Olivia instinctively closed her chat with Rafael and tucked her phone back into her pocket, photo still unsent. Something was telling her to wait until she got back to New York to tell him about it in person.

* * *

As Rafael strolled through the doors of the 16th Precinct, his eyes instinctively darted towards Olivia’s darkened office, blinds drawn and door clearly locked, and he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment.

_Get it together, Barba._

Olivia had been gone for almost a week by this point, and the two of them hadn’t communicated at all, save for a quick text to let him know that she’d arrived in Paris safely. That had been their unspoken agreement, and he certainly wasn’t expecting anything more. But that didn’t stop him from idly hovering his thumb over their iMessage conversation every once in a while, while silently lamenting that their last exchange was so long ago. Fin was officially in charge and he had no reason to text her about work, and for him to ask how her trip was going just seemed inappropriate given that she and Ed were trying to fix their relationship - a problem Rafael knew he had a hand in creating. Anyway, crime didn’t take a break for the summer, and he was still going to have to show up at SVU to do his job even in Olivia’s absence.

He wondered what she was doing there. Enjoying a croissant as she walked down the Seine? Taking pictures from the top of the Arc de Triomphe? (Provided that old man Ed Tucker was willing to brave the queues _and_ endless flights of stairs, he couldn’t help but snicker to himself.) Had she taken his advice to visit the Musee D’Orsay? Rafael glanced at his watch - it’d be evening in Paris by this time, and the thought of them enjoying a candlelit dinner somewhere made his stomach lurch. It’d been a while since his last trip to the City of Love, but it also happened to be one of his favourite cities in the world, which only made her absence sting even more.

Eager for a distraction (namely, work), Rafael scanned the empty squad room and followed the sound of laughter and conversation to the break room, where Amanda and Sonny were hunched over her cell phone and squealing at whatever they were looking at. “Barba, hey,” she said cheerfully when she saw him approach them. “Fin’s not back from lunch yet, so we thought we’d wait for him to get here before we start.”

“Ah, I figured. What are you two laughing about?” Rafael pulled a chair from the adjacent table and slid next to them, to which Amanda and Sonny responded with some surprise. Typically the ADA would be sitting in Olivia’s office and laughing away with _her_ whenever he came by the precinct, but with the lieutenant on vacation, they figured that he was missing his little - and very private - chats with her that no one else wanted to get between.

“Liv sent us some photos from Paris and they’re just adorable,” Amanda explained, as she handed the ADA her cell phone. She wasn’t sure if Olivia had already sent them to him separately, but the look of amusement - and surprise - on his face made it clear that he hadn’t already seen the photos. Why Olivia hadn’t sent them to Barba too, given their closeness, puzzled Amanda.

Rafael peered at the screen as Amanda scrolled through the numerous photos Olivia had sent the chat. The first one was of her standing by the entrance of the Louvre, coffee cup in hand, but he didn’t care much for the scenery. Instead, he instantly noticed what she was wearing - a floral sundress. He’d never seen her dressed this casually before, and _god,_ was she beautiful. Of course they’d bared their souls to each other during their conversations, especially in the last few weeks, but a _casual_ Olivia remained an unfamiliar sight to him, and the glimpse he was getting wasn’t doing anything to still his racing heart.

The next - a picture of her and Ed beaming by the base of the Arc de Triomphe, Noah perched on his shoulders. If Rafael hadn’t been privy to the problems between Olivia and Ed, he’d have assumed they were a happy family - a reality that Rafael had never, and probably would never, be a part of. Bitter jealousy formed at the back of his throat, heavy and acidic, and he resisted the urge to curse audibly or let his disapproval show on his face.

And the final - a photo of Olivia, this time in a different but equally stunning sun dress, Noah smiling in the stroller next to her, standing by the entrance of a _very_ familiar-looking building; one that never failed to bring him endless hours of joy. The Musee D’Orsay.

_Ah, fuck._

Rafael would have stared at the photos for even longer, but he quickly handed Amanda’s phone back to her before the junior detectives got suspicious and focussed on something - _anything_ \- that would distract him. The blinking lights on the break room vending machine. The feeling of his cell phone - one without any updates from Olivia - in his palm. The desks in the bustling squad room… which sat between him and Olivia’s unlit office.

“Must be nice to visit Paris in the summer. I’m making it my mission to _finally_ leave this country for the first time when Billie’s older,” Amanda remarked enviously.

“You _have_ to visit Italy. I went a few times as a kid to visit family and it’s the most beautiful place. And the food… I’m in heaven just thinking about it,” Sonny added with a wistful smile. “What about you, Barba? Any plans for the summer?”

“Oh, nothing much. Maybe I’ll head to Miami with my mom for a few days, but other than that, it’s all work and no play,” Rafael sighed. Hearing himself say that only made him want to wallow in his personal pity party for longer - he was stuck in New York for the summer with no plans, nothing to look forward to… _and no Olivia_ , although he pretended he hadn’t thought about the last thing.

Those photos… those _fucking_ photos.

They were perfectly innocuous holiday photos, but how the hell was he so agitated by the mere sight of her on someone else’s phone screen?

Rafael’s pensive mood lingered all through Fin’s arrival at the precinct and their meeting about their latest case. More than once had Amanda and Sonny glanced at him worriedly as he stared into his coffee - where were his usual quips, his usual snark? No one dared to ask, although they predicted (correctly) that it had something to do with the absence of their lieutenant.

One forgettable meeting later, Rafael decided to forgo his usual Uber in favour of a slow walk back to his office. A muggy, languid summer heat had settled over New York and was making him sweat through his suit, which only reminded him that he wasn’t currently on vacation in Europe.

 _Those stupid, stupid photos_ \- he’d been reduced to a lovesick teenager in a single afternoon. It was taking all his willpower not to whip his phone out and text Olivia immediately. He wasn’t expecting any updates from her, of course, but it still stung.

Rafael hardly envied Ed Tucker. He was coarse, unrefined, uncultured, had the personality of a stale saltine cracker... but he did have one thing going for him, and that was Olivia Benson. Deep down Rafael knew that he’d never be able to hoist Noah on his shoulders; never be able to complete Olivia’s happy family in the same way that Ed did, or looked like he did. He’d never show her around the Musee D’Orsay or hold her hand as they walked the cobblestone streets of Paris.

 _Damn Ed Tucker_.

The photos continued to flash through Rafael’s mind as he collapsed into his chair at 1 Hogan Place, hand clutching his gold pen but unable to get a single word out. Now he felt stupid for thinking that he’d get more work done in Olivia’s absence. His sporadically sour mood had escalated to a full-blown tantrum, and all this from just a few holiday photos.

Holiday photos that she hadn’t sent him.

Rafael stared at his empty legal pad and case files in a daze, cursing that he wasn’t currently enjoying an escargot dinner or croissant while strolling down the Seine. Cursing that he wasn’t Ed Tucker - a comparison he’d usually despise making, especially after his juicy conversation with Rita about Ed’s massive faux pas.

 _Fuck._ Now he couldn’t get that conversation out of his head either. Rita’s words kept ringing in his ears.

_Possessive. Overbearing._

_Rafael, Ed Tucker cheated on_ me.

Suddenly he wanted to pick up his phone and _finally_ tell Olivia what he knew; to stop suppressing this twisted protective instinct he’d been holding back for over two weeks now. Even the unbreakable Rita Calhoun had had her heart broken by Ed Tucker, and god forbid he let Ed do the same to Olivia. Quiet rage coursed through his veins - how was Olivia _still_ with someone like that? Was he still as possessive as he was with Rita? Rafael had a feeling that little had changed. Was she going to come back from Paris with a love rekindled? Where on earth did Rafael fit in the picture?

Of course Rafael wanted her to be happy, but he wished that Ed Tucker wasn’t the person to make her feel that way.

Because _he_ wanted to be that person for her. He wanted to be the one standing next to her in their vacation photos; the one hoisting Noah on his shoulders. The one who took her out to dinner and curled up on the sofa with her as they watched a movie, except without having to hide all of it from the prying eyes of their colleagues. He knew perfectly well that it was the reason they _never_ spent time at Olivia’s apartment - it would be too easy for Ed or one of the other detectives to find him there. Instead, they hid out in Rafael’s condominium, and she’d leave without a trace at the end of every night.

 _Friends_. That’s what they claimed to be. But they were romantically involved in every single way… except in name.

If they truly were just _friends_ , neither would feel the need to hide in Rafael’s apartment or enjoy dinner far, far away from either of their offices. He gave her all his emotional energy; all his affection, for something that simply didn’t look like it could ever happen.

Rafael sprawled out on his leather couch and took a giant swig of coffee to clear his head. Of course he wanted something more between him and Olivia. And he could’ve sworn that Olivia felt the exact same way about him. But now she was halfway across the world on a romantic trip with her boyfriend - her _actual_ boyfriend - while he was stuck in New York getting upset over her holiday photos, because he was hopelessly in love with a woman he simply couldn’t have.

The coffee wasn’t doing it for him. He resisted the urge to fling the cup on the ground as red-hot anger - whether at himself, or Olivia, he didn’t know - bubbled in his chest. But it’d be almost midnight in Paris by this time, and he _couldn’t_ just call her. He couldn’t do something so rash, even in the thick of his desperation.

Instead, he grabbed his jacket and phone, and stormed out of 1 Hogan Place towards the office of a person he knew would talk some sense into him before he did anything stupid.

* * *

The setting sun gently illuminated the Madison Avenue office of Calhoun & Berkeley as throngs of associates, paralegals and trainees filed through the lobby and out onto the street. Rita Calhoun was still bent over her MacBook Pro, next to which laid a half-finished salad bowl from Cava. Her last client for the day had just left, and she was very much looking forward to curling up on her couch with a glass of red wine and HBO… until the voice of her secretary piped through the phone speaker on her desk and she resisted a groan.

“Miss Calhoun? There’s a Mr Barba who just got here and wants to know if you’re available to see him.”

“Rafael Barba?” she asked incredulously. Rafael almost _never_ met her at her office - if they talked about a case, they’d do so at the DA’s office or precinct; if they wanted to catch-up, they’d do so over food at a stylish restaurant or a good drink at one of their favourite bars. What on earth had inspired him to make the trip uptown, especially at this hour?

“Yes, Mr Rafael Barba. He says he’ll wait for as long as you need. Should I send him in now?”

Rita sat up in her seat when her suspicion was confirmed and quickly scanned her calendar and notes again. No, she didn’t have any cases involving SVU. This couldn’t be about a plea deal or interview. She knitted her eyebrows quizzically - this had to be a personal call. “Send him in.”

She looked up from her laptop screen to see a completely downtrodden Rafael Barba emerge through the doors, his typically immaculate hair and suit unkempt and drenched with sweat, like he’d just _walked_ uptown in the mid-summer heat to see her. _Shit, this definitely isn’t about work._ “Raf? What are you doing here?”

“I’ve fucked up, Rita,” he muttered, voice shaking and unsteady. “I’ve fucked up _so bad_.”

 _What the hell?_ Rafael looked like he’d just seen a ghost. She immediately sprang out of her seat and into action. “Sit down, take a deep breath and I’ll pour you a drink. What on earth happened?”

“Will you promise _not_ to lose it when I tell you?” He nervously looked at his lap and fiddled with the buttons of his suit jacket.

“Jesus, Raf, you’re scaring me.” She hadn’t seen Rafael look this disoriented, this _defeated_ , since maybe his last major trial loss (William Lewis, maybe? It wasn’t hard to guess why) or heck, the time in law school he’d learned that Yelina had cheated on him with Alex Munoz (whom Rita was absolutely delighted was now in jail - she’d never trusted that slimy bastard).

 _Shit_ , what on earth had Rafael Barba done?

Rafael watched silently as she poured him a glass of scotch, his face flushed from a combination of his hurried run-walk up Madison Avenue and the emotions stewing in his mind. _Stay calm and talk to Rita_ , he ordered himself, but that didn’t stop him from blurting out the only thing that he could convey coherently.

“Olivia cheated on Ed Tucker.”

Rita couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Olivia Benson, a pillar of NYPD integrity and honour, _cheating_ on Ed Tucker? She pictured the blue eyes of her former flame flooding with rage and hurt - the same rage and hurt she’d felt over five years ago - and couldn’t help the triumphant smirk that appeared on her face.

“Well, good for her!”

Rafael was shocked when Rita’s dry, hollow cackle filled the room. “Rita!”

“What? Tucker’s a bastard, Rafael,” she quipped without a moment of hesitation, wicked grin still plastered on her face, until she came to her senses and noticed his horrified expression. “Wait. What does this have to do with…” her voice trailed off.

Rafael stared at her wordlessly, guilt and anxiety written all over his face.

 _Don’t make me say it, Rita_. _Don’t make me say it._

He didn’t have to, because her reaction said it all. “Holy _shit_ , Rafael.” She abandoned the mouthful of salad she’d just heaped onto her spoon and moved next to him on her couch.

He bit his lip and nodded remorsefully, eyes suddenly flooding with tears. Rita’s head spun with confusion - first with the petty joy of learning that Ed Tucker had been served a taste of his own bitter medicine, but then with the sobering realisation that Rafael Barba - her _friend_ \- had gotten between Ed and Olivia. Why? How? What had even happened? Did Ed know about this?

But she had to stay calm - if not for herself, for him. “Okay, Raf.” She inhaled deeply and handed him a glass of scotch, which he held tentatively in his palm. “Take a sip and tell me what happened.”

“I _never_ meant for things to end up this way, Rita,” he choked out. “I slept with Liv - Olivia - right after Tucker was cleared. The sex trafficking investigation. We weren’t drunk… she came over to my place after she and Ed fought at Forlini’s, and we argued, and she kissed me, and one thing led to another…”

There. He’d _finally, finally_ told someone that he’d slept with Olivia Benson - the event that had changed everything for them. A huge weight off his shoulders. Rafael stared at Rita, almost waiting for her to judge him silently, but she kept her facial expression calm and collected.

He had absolutely no reason to doubt her. And so he continued.

“Olivia and I talked about it and we _thought_ everything was going to be okay - we got through pretty much the rest of the spring working together just fine and acting like it’d never happened. But then I started getting those threats from BX9, and Mike Dodds died…”

Rita desperately tried to recall if she’d been anywhere near the SVU squad room or any of their cases around that time. She hadn’t, but both Olivia and Rafael were masters of keeping their emotions at bay, and she wasn’t surprised that they’d chosen to act like nothing had happened between them, as much as it looked like a ticking time bomb that now was on the verge of imploding in their faces… or had already imploded. “What happened then?” she prompted him.

“She came to visit me in the secure hotel I was staying in, and we realised that we were scared of losing each other and made out… and ever since then it’s been one _fucking enormous_ mess. We’ve gone out to dinner. We’ve watched movies on my couch; worked late nights at _my_ place. We’re doing everything a couple does, except that we’re not dating and she’s in bloody Paris with that bastard,” he rambled, his face growing increasingly flushed with frustration and guilt. “I think I’m in love with her, Rita. I don’t know how I’m going to put up with this. What if she comes back from Paris and everything with Ed is fine and dandy and…”

The defense attorney tried to process the avalanche of information she’d just been told. Where was she even going to begin? This wasn’t just Harvard-level mischief that a pizza or drink would fix. He’d come between one _very_ high-profile NYPD couple. Before she could get a word in, however, he buried his face in his hands and let out an enormous groan. “Does Ed know what happened?” she asked gently.

“He definitely knows that we slept together the first time. But I don’t think he knows about what happened when I was in the hotel… or that Olivia and I had dinner and have been spending time together. Ed got _really_ possessive with her after he learned that we slept together and I know it’s been troubling her - I can’t get what you told me out of my head, Rita. What Ed did to you. She doesn’t know that Ed was unfaithful to you. What if he’s doing the same to Olivia right now?” His voice trailed off slowly when he realised that he’d been talking at a visibly overwhelmed Rita non-stop.

She reached for the bottle of scotch on her desk and poured herself a glass of her own - she was going to need it to make sense of this increasingly messy Rafael-Olivia-Ed love triangle. “Slow down, Raf. We’re going to talk through this - one problem at a time.”

Rafael took a deep breath and stared into space. “What on earth do I do now? Liv’s away for another week.”

“First things first - what on earth happened today that got you so flustered that you had to come here? Surely something must have set you off,” she observed astutely.

With that, everything that Rafael had been feeling (and suppressing) for the last month came tumbling out. The holiday photos that had sent him over the edge. How Olivia’s ongoing tension with Ed had given him _just_ enough hope to make him feel like an absolute idiot. The looks he shared with her that made him swear that there was something more between them. He couldn’t decide if he was feeling _relief_ from finally sharing his feelings with someone he could trust, or if speaking of these emotions out loud was only making him more flustered than before. Rita nodded along quietly, her mind swirling with possibilities. Even her initial petty delight over Ed getting a taste of his own medicine quickly faded away when she realised just how distressed Rafael sounded.

“I feel so _fucking_ stupid. Like I’m waiting for something I know will never happen. Even if Liv breaks up with Ed, there’s so much history between us that it feels like this will never work. I should’ve backed away…” he lamented. “I’ve been an idiot.”

“Making stupid decisions doesn’t make you an idiot, Raf. All this has already happened and you can’t change that. But you haven’t told me what exactly it is _you_ want from this.”

Rafael frowned quizzically at his friend. “Look, I don’t know what exactly things are like between you and Olivia, and I can’t tell you what to do. But this obviously has been eating you alive and I hate seeing you this way,” she confessed worriedly. “I think you’re going to have to sit her down after she gets back from Paris and tell her everything you just told me. How you’re feeling stuck, how you’re feeling about _everything_ that has happened between you two. We don’t know if she’s going to break up with Ed or stay with him, but it doesn’t matter. This is about _you_ now.”

“I can’t tell her all this!” he exclaimed in a panic. “Isn’t it just going to make things even messier? I don’t want to lose her, Rita.”

“So you won’t tell her anything, bottle this up for even longer, and then let it explode sometime in the future and destroy your relationship irreparably?” she fired back, which made Rafael grimace. “Raf, things have escalated WAY past the point of worrying you’ll lose her. Don’t tell me that you want to live in this limbo forever just because you’re scared to confront the truth. This isn’t good for you _or Olivia_ , and you can’t let her emotions dictate your existence. What do _you_ want from this?”

 _I don’t know_ , he wanted to snap. _I don’t fucking know._ Of course he wanted Olivia Benson. But that wasn’t entirely up to him, and he knew that Rita was right. He couldn’t let her emotions - or _her_ \- dictate his existence. If only that weren’t so damn difficult to do when he melted at the very sight of the brunette detective. “What if I don’t know what I want?”

Rita put down her glass of scotch and rested her hands on his shoulders affectionately. “I’m sure that will reveal itself to you eventually, but you and Olivia aren’t going to go anywhere if you don’t have an honest conversation with her about how you’re feeling. But _please_ don’t shortchange yourself, Raf. Seeing you like this - it really does make me worry.”

“It’s my fault,” he cursed. “We’re in this mess because of me.”

“No, don’t say that,” she remarked sternly. “This is just as much on Olivia as it is on you. Heck, it’s _more_ on Olivia than it is on you. She’s the one who chose to cheat on Ed, Raf. She’s leading you on. Giving you hope. And it’s not fair that you’re being strung along like this.”

_She’s leading you on._

_You’re being strung along._

Harsh words from Rita Calhoun weren’t unfamiliar to Rafael, but these especially stung.

Because he knew that they were true.

“Rafael, listen to me. I know how much you care about Olivia, but this isn’t good for you.” Everything she’d seen finally made sense - his listlessness, his irritability, him asking her for the scoop on Ed Tucker - and she didn’t like it. “This isn’t even about whether you and Olivia are dating or fucking or whatever else you two are doing. You _need_ to talk to her about it. Be honest, set some boundaries… I don’t know. But you’re going to be stuck here indefinitely if you don’t do something to rock the boat now.”

Rafael flinched at Rita’s choice of words. Dating? Fucking? What even were they? “I don’t know what I’m going to say to her, Rita,” he muttered quietly.

“Tell her everything you just told me, Raf. Cards on the table. You’re only going to destroy your relationship even more if you don’t at least talk to her about it. Stand up for yourself. Tell her what _you_ want. You can’t sit around all day and let her call all the shots.”

_You can’t sit around all day and let her call all the shots._

Rita was right. He was going to have to decide what _he_ wanted from this before they descended even further into this limbo hell. God damn, he loved Olivia Benson… but he knew he’d blow any chance he had at being with her for real if he didn’t come clean with her about everything he’d been feeling first.

“Do you think I’m completely fucked?” he blurted out, eager for something - anything - to tell him that he still could fix this.

Rita carefully contemplated her response. “It’s messy, Raf. I honestly don’t know.” Rafael had been destroyed enough the summer he found out that Alex and Yelina had gotten together in his absence, and she couldn’t stop her mind from wandering back to the days he’d crash in her Upper East Side apartment to get away from his apartment in the Bronx, where Alex and Yelina lived only a couple of blocks away. Now Rafael was on the other side of the picture, but he was descending into that same, sombre self he was twenty years ago, and it made her heart ache. “But you’re made of strong stuff. And I hope things get better once you talk to Olivia about this.”

“Thanks, Rita. I needed to hear that.” He thanked his lucky stars for his friend’s firm - but wise - advice and that she hadn’t judged him.

“Anytime, Raf.” She took another sip of her scotch. “And look - I’m not saying that what you did is necessarily right or wrong… but that _bastard_ Ed Tucker deserved it,” she smirked.

“Rita!” he chided her, although something about her wicked, triumphant grin made it hard for him to resist breaking out into a smile himself. “You’re right. Ed Tucker _is_ a bastard.”

Hopefully, Olivia would realise that soon.

* * *

Ed knelt down to lock his suitcase while Olivia picked up the last of Noah’s toys and stuffed them into her overflowing carry-on bag. “Got everything, Ed?”

“Yup. The Uber’s arriving in fifteen minutes. We should head down,” he replied, tone flat and emotionless.

“Alright, I think I’m done here. Let’s go,” She juggled her luggage in one arm and Noah and his stroller in the other. Was Ed going to help her? Or would he keep his distance, like he’d done all night, even putting a pillow between them while they slept? She wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to keep his distance - after all, she’d chosen to spring the bad news on him on the last night of their trip, when they were meant to be enjoying a candlelit dinner. But she’d been putting it off for multiple days now, and she was going to have to rip the Band-Aid eventually.

To his credit, Ed grabbed her bags and helped her wheel them down the hallway, Olivia following closely behind him, as last evening’s events played in her head.

_Ed, I know we’ve tried so hard to make things work, but I think we’re stuck._

He’d nodded sadly, as though he’d been expecting to hear it from her, but that didn’t stop his eyes from glistening as she took his hand for quite possibly the last time.

_We’ve been trying so hard and nothing’s working anymore. We haven’t been ourselves. I think… this is the end for us._

Olivia knew that she had to do it. She didn’t want to feel like she was lying through her teeth every single time she kissed Ed or told him that she loved him. He’d gone to great lengths to save this relationship and she couldn’t let her guilt tie her to him any longer. This vacation had only confirmed her fatigue with their relationship.

_You’ve done so much for me, and I’ll always be grateful for that, but I’m not the person you truly deserve._

She’d messed up so, so bad, and she couldn’t drag Ed through it any longer. It wasn’t fair to him. She knew that she had to let Ed Tucker go, once and for all.

The sadness in her belly continued to burn even as they loaded their bags into the Uber and sat in a stony silence on their drive to the airport. Ed’s silently devastated facial expression lingered in her memory all through check-in and security checks. Throughout the flight she snuck furtive glances at her sleeping now-ex boyfriend, body at ease but sadness and worry written all over his face. It’d been less than 24 hours; of course their emotions were still raw. She didn’t blame him one bit for his coldness.

_I’m sorry for what happened between us, Ed. I hope you can forgive me._

She couldn’t read the expression on his face as she told him that the night before - hurt, anger, sadness? - but she knew that he was fully aware of exactly what she was talking about. They’d walked back to the hotel in a resigned silence, grateful that Noah was sound asleep, savouring their last few hours as a couple before they returned to New York and went their separate ways. They’d exchanged nary a word as they got ready for bed, her letting him hold her for one last evening before he wedged a pillow between the two of them as they slept, signalling that their relationship was well and truly over.

_We had a good run, Olivia. I’m sorry that things had to end this way._

_I’m sorry too, Ed._

A few hours later, Olivia loaded the last of her luggage into the trunk of the waiting cab at the JFK exit and looked back at Ed, whose sad, regretful expression struck her to her core. She knew she’d never forget the hurt in his blue eyes - her punishment for letting him down.

“I’m sorry, Ed,” she said once more, her eyes filling with tears. “Thank you for everything.”

“I’m sorry too, Liv,” he replied sadly. “Take care of yourself.” He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead one last time, Olivia trying to soak everything in before they parted ways for good.

“You too, Ed.” With one last gentle caress of his cheek and shoulder, she climbed into the cab and sped off to a new existence without Ed Tucker by her side.

* * *

A freshly-showered Olivia collapsed into her bed, the familiar-smelling sheets and memory foam pillows much-welcomed after ten days of scratchy hotel linen. Despite the time difference, Noah had been so worn out by the flight and ride home from JFK that he’d fallen asleep right after she’d bathed him, which her tired body thanked her for. She still had three full days of leave before she had to head back to work, and right now, she couldn’t be happier to have some time off.

_It’s over with Ed._

God, things were over with him - for real. Hot tears burned in her eyes and she quickly dabbed at them with her palm. Too much had happened in the last few weeks alone - grief, betrayal, ambiguity, tension - but one thing she knew for sure: this had all been set in motion because of her. _She_ had betrayed Ed. _She’d_ chosen to drag this out in a futile attempt to make things right again. _She_ had ruined a relationship she honestly thought would last for much longer than this.

But this failure wasn’t for a lack of trying, she assured herself. Both Olivia and Ed had done what they could to see this through to the end, as much as the process had pained them.

_We gave it our best, and things didn’t work out. We gave it our best._

That thought steadied her; made her feel like everything was going to be okay.

And perhaps, she was even _relieved_ that it was over. No more feeling guilty about her betrayal every single time that Ed had kissed her. No more wondering how she’d make it up to Ed for choosing to forgive her for her transgression.

And no more feeling guilty for spending time with Rafael Barba - the man she suddenly realised she desperately wanted to see again.

Olivia picked up her phone and clicked on a familiar name.

_Hey, I’m back from Paris. How have you been?_

_Glad to hear you made it home safe. You honestly didn’t miss much here._

_I’m going to be getting over my jet lag tomorrow, but are you free to meet the day after?_

_Sure. I was going to ask the same, actually._

_Great. I’ll let you know where and when._

_See you then, Liv._

_See you then, Rafa._


	12. Clandestine Conversations (2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia talks to Rafael about their relationship, and some big changes are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your patience while i took a week off to work on my Barson Valentine's Day fic! if you're interested in some speed-dating shenanigans, you can check it out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29416653).

“Bluestone Lane, huh? Trendy choice,” Olivia remarked as she slid into the seat opposite Rafael in the chic Nolita outlet of the cafe (which thankfully had air-conditioning on this too-hot day). “And is that _tea_ you’re drinking? I’ve been gone for two weeks and it’s like you’re a brand new person.” She eyed the bright green liquid in his cup suspiciously. Rafael Barba and tea? They simply didn’t get along.

“Matcha latte. Thought I’d try something new today.” His eyes shifted nervously between his cup and the wall behind her.

Olivia frowned concernedly. This wasn’t the warm, smiling Rafael Barba she’d last seen a fortnight ago, and his tense manner was unnerving her. “How are you doing?” she asked, hoping they’d settle back into things after exchanging pleasantries.

“I’m fine.” Rafael fiddled with the rapidly-disintegrating paper straw that he’d been given - _fuck_ these paper straws, he cursed quietly - and kept his eyes trained on the melting ice cubes, which were quickly turning his drink into a bland, watery slush. He didn’t tell her that he’d been sitting here alone, stewing in his own sweat, for over half an hour, fretting about what to say to her. That his knees had shaken with fear when he noticed her approach from down the street.

_Keep it together, Barba._

He couldn’t crack in front of her - not this early in their conversation.

Olivia obviously wasn’t satisfied with his response, but decided to (reluctantly) accept his explanation. “I bought something for you.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a small envelope that she slid across the table, hoping it’d break the ice once and for all. “Thought I’d bring a piece of the Musee D’Orsay back to you.”

He gingerly opened the envelope and couldn’t resist a smile when he saw what she’d brought him - a set of Georges Seurat postcards. “I saw a few in your living room and thought you’d like a few more for your collection,” she added.

“Thanks, Liv. They’re lovely.” _God,_ she’d even remembered to buy him a gift. She _had_ been thinking about him while she was in Paris. He didn’t deserve this.

 _Don’t get distracted._ He _needed_ to talk to her; get everything on his mind of the way. He’d already spent the last week ruminating over how he was going to play this - he couldn’t falter now.

“How were things when I was away?” she asked with a concerned frown, knowing he’d probably get chatty if she turned the conversation to work. _What’s gotten into him today?_ Olivia recalled the hug he’d given her the night before she left for the airport; the soft smile on his face as he wished her goodbye. They’d not talked at all when she was away - surely he wasn’t mad at her? Was he upset that she hadn’t texted him? Or worse, was he upset about something she didn’t have the slightest clue about? She had no idea where all this was coming from.

“You didn’t miss much. Caught a couple of open-and-shut cases. Fin held the fort, no issues,” he replied tersely, eyes still not meeting hers.

Again with that withering, soul-crushing look from her. _Of course_ she noticed instantly that he was far less chatty than usual. _Of course_ she knew him best, especially after the events of the last few weeks.

And o _f course_ she was going to ask about it.

“Rafa, you’re freaking me out a little. Is something wrong?”

“Liv, I’m fine,” he replied a little too sharply, to which she was visibly taken aback. “I’m just tired.”

“You sure?” she pressed, iced latte still completely untouched. What the hell had gotten into him? They’d _always_ been more upfront with each other if something was bothering them, especially in the last few months - for him to shut her out now filled her heart with fear and dread.

“Really, I’m fine. Just… tell me about your trip,” he added with a small smile, trying to smooth over the tension. He couldn’t continue this discussion if they _both_ got too worked up before they got anywhere.

Olivia frowned, but decided that it wasn’t worth pressing him about this topic any further. _Paris. Tell him about Paris. Tell him the big news._

“It was great, for the most part. The weather was really nice and Noah really enjoyed it, surprisingly. I probably ate more croissants in ten days than I have in the last two years,” she smiled. “And it was nice to get out of New York. I needed that change of scenery.”

That smile; the way her brown eyes sparkled in the afternoon sun - god, his heart was fluttering. Two weeks without seeing her and being able to drink in the sight of her again flooded his heart with longing. He shouldn’t have treated her so coldly when she arrived...

“Honestly, I think I need to get myself to Europe more often. Now I get why you love it so much. The culture, the scenery… it was amazing. And the fact that Noah loved it made it extra special. I wish you could have seen his face when I took him around the museum. He loved it so much.”

 _I wish I could have been there too_ , Rafael thought. Who hadn’t dreamed of a romantic trip to Paris with someone special at least once in their life, especially for an art and history buff like him? He’d have given _so much_ to be the one in the holiday photos with Liv and Noah, or pushing his stroller around the museum…

 _Stop it, Barba._ This was precisely what he’d feared - that he’d see Olivia and all sense and logic would flee his mind immediately. No, he couldn’t let himself get sentimental and carried away, especially not right now. This wasn’t what he’d come here to talk about.

And no mention of Ed, he noticed instantly. Was she deliberately holding back? Was she going to keep him out of their business any longer? Did he even want to know what’d happened between them in Paris?

“That sounds lovely, Liv. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,” he said sincerely, unable to think of anything else. “You deserved that time away.”

“Yeah, it really was,” she beamed, although her joyful smile slowly morphed into a reflective, pensive expression that he couldn’t quite put a finger on. “And I guess the time away really got me thinking - reflecting - about everything that’s happened over the past few months, you know?”

 _Shit._ Now this conversation was getting serious. Rafael’s heart was already in his mouth, and they hadn’t even gotten started. Did he want to interrupt her, stop this _now_ , before she spilled the beans about her and Ed and they’d have to deal with that? Was he ready to have this conversation with her? Tell her everything he’d been stewing in for the last few weeks? Was he going to completely destroy their friendship?

He’d practically rehearsed this with Rita in her office that evening - why did he feel so damn nervous? These were _his_ feelings; _his_ emotions. Olivia was his friend: surely _a friend_ would at least hear him out and try to understand all he was feeling. And surely she had to at least infer that he was feeling this way - they’d been dancing around this issue for weeks now. At least, he hoped she had.

Rita’s deep voice continued to ring in his ears on loop. _Tell her everything you just told me, Raf. Cards on the table. You’re only going to destroy your relationship even more if you don’t at least talk to her about it._

He _had_ to find a way to tell her today. He’d lost too much sleep over this; let his pining for Olivia Benson take up too much of his energy. He just needed the right opportunity.

Rafael nodded, signalling for her to continue, and put his matcha latte aside to focus. _Keep it cool. Hear her out. Breathe!_ He hoped his anxiety wasn’t written all over his face.

Olivia took a slow sip from her cup and carefully contemplated her words, her tone cautious. “I realised that I was hanging onto things that _seemed_ good for me. This whole situation with Ed… I thought it was good for me; that I needed to trust him and hang on and that everything would sort itself out eventually, you know?” She didn’t wait for Rafael to respond before continuing. “But I realised… I can’t do that anymore. Not when I know that I don’t love him anymore. Not… with all _this_ between us.” She slowly shifted her gaze from her coffee to Rafael’s green eyes.

“ _Especially_ with all this between us.” He knew that soft, inviting look in her eyes. He knew _exactly_ where he’d seen it before. (Right before they’d kissed in that hotel room. When they were watching that movie on his couch. Whenever they got too close for comfort.)

 _Here it comes_. _She’s going to say it._

Olivia took a deep breath and steadied her shaking voice. The first person who _wasn’t_ Noah to know about it. “Ed and I… we’re over. I ended things with him during our trip. Which means...” Her voice trailed off, half-expecting Rafael to complete that thought.

There it was. She’d told him. Rafael realised he was gripping the handles of his chair, trying to process the whirlwind of emotions in his head. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Olivia and Ed Tucker were over once and for all. Finished. Done.

God damn, he’d wanted this for so long now. It was what he wanted when he passed her in the precinct and his gaze met her brown eyes. It was all he longed for when Olivia had showed up at his hotel room door; when they were sitting side-by-side on his couch, arms and legs intertwined. It was all he desired when he’d woken up next to her in his bed that fateful morning; when he’d pressed his lips to hers for comfort.

God damn, he wanted Olivia Benson so badly, and here she was, just a few feet away, brown eyes imploring and tender, _telling_ him that she wanted to be with him. He hadn’t hallucinated the events of the last few months, or the looks they’d exchanged. She wanted _him_ , just as much as he wanted her. She _knew_ that he’d been waiting to hear this - her eyes said it all. And if he hadn’t stopped himself, he knew his eyes would be screaming the exact same thing.

It was taking all his might not to jump out of his chair and kiss her this very moment - to taste the coffee on her lips, to feel her arms around his waist, to inhale the scent of her perfume. She was right within his reach...

Rafael leaned in ever-so-slightly, scrutinising the emotions that were coursing through her eyes - desire, longing, trepidation…

 _Hope._ It was something he hadn’t seen in her eyes for months, but right now, he felt it emanating from her oh-so-strongly. Olivia had texted him and met him here and told him about her trip for one reason - she was ready to take a leap of faith with him.

And now he was going to have to let her down.

“Liv, you have no idea how much all this means to me, but…” Rafael choked on his words, feeling his face turn bright red and breath getting increasingly fevered.

 _Oh my God, what the hell am I doing?_ He’d wanted this - wanted Olivia Benson for so damn long, and now that he was finally getting his chance, he was making the _fucking idiotic_ move of turning her down.

“... but?” Olivia questioned, her face suddenly filled with concern. _Shit_ , she thought. This hesitance, his tense manner - this wasn’t what she’d been expecting.

“... I can’t do this, Liv,” he sputtered out, his voice barely audible over the cacophony of noise in the coffee shop and eyes threatening to water. “I can’t do this.”

 _Fuck._ He’d prepared for this; rehearsed it in his mind over and over again in the week between his conversation with Rita and this meeting because he couldn’t let his emotions get the better of him before he finished telling her everything that was on his mind. It was going to take much, much more than this for him to finally set the record straight with Olivia. Between his anxiety, her imploring tone, and the crushing guilt he felt from extinguishing the hope in her eyes, he was an absolute mess. He twirled his straw between his fingers, feeling it crumple into a damp, soggy pile - like his emotional state.

But he had to do this. He couldn’t keep this up anymore - hiding their relationship from everyone else, being her shoulder to cry on behind Ed Tucker’s back, being her boyfriend in everything but name. Rita was right: things were way past the point of them being fearful they were going to lose each other. He couldn’t have parts of Olivia Benson and be her second choice any longer - a feeling that he knew he wouldn’t be able to shake, even with Ed out of the picture.

_Stand up for yourself. Tell her what you want. You can’t sit around all day and let her call all the shots._

If he didn’t say this to her right now and back away, this time _for real_ , they were never going to be able to be friends again. The depth of emotion and feeling that had brought them this close together was going to be their undoing if he didn’t do something about it.

Fear and guilt swirled in his mind and crushed him silently. Olivia stared at him wordlessly, eyes begging him to speak: _Why are you saying no? Why can’t you do this?_ God, how he wished he didn’t have to tell her why, but he had to get everything off his chest before he exploded. Honesty, right? It was what he needed in a friendship?

Rafael downed the last of his matcha latte and steadied his shaking hands, trying fruitlessly to recall the last time he’d felt this paralysed. His throat felt parched, tongue knotted and heavy. The cheerful jazz music playing in the background mocked and taunted him as he struggled to find the words - and courage - he desperately needed. Heck, this was worse than even his most difficult days in court.

_Just tell her, Barba._

“I can’t do this, Liv. You have no idea how badly I want to, but…” he started shakily.

“Why can’t you, then?” she demanded, impatience and frustration starting to creep into her tone. _She’s getting upset._ Just like he’d expected.

He took another deep breath and tried in vain to slow his train of thought, which was now spiralling out of control. He’d opened this can of worms. It was now or never.

“What even are we, Liv? This limbo we’ve been in. All this… dishonesty, this sneaking around. If we’re going to be together, I don’t want things to be like _this_. I can’t live knowing that I’m a part of your life only in secret,” he choked out increasingly anxiously. “We can’t work together like this, late nights on my couch and making out in hotel rooms and running around in secret. This has gotten too messy and I can’t do this anymore, Liv. I came between you and Ed and when we got close again, everything went to absolute shit. One of us has to back away. _I_ need to back away.”

He didn’t even know if that made sense, but the relief that washed over him as he said it confirmed that he had done the right thing, even if his eyes were starting to sting with tears and heart was screaming at him to drop this and kiss her right now.

Olivia grimaced and shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she attempted to process the freight train of emotion that Rafael had just sent her way. What had happened to the smiling Rafael who’d been so excited to see her again before she’d left for Paris? The one she’d laughed with over dinner and _Dirty Dancing_ , who’d put his arms around her as she cried? The one she’d expected would be more excited by her return and the news she’d just told him?

This wasn’t her reading him wrongly. He was fully aware that there was something special between them - something so special that they couldn’t keep themselves (or their hands) away from each other. Yet he was walking away from her, even after Ed had left the picture? Olivia felt a wave of nausea shoot up her throat; her palms grew clammy staring into his sad, defeated eyes, the gravity of what he’d just said sinking in.

He’d meant every word. He was leaving. Turning his back on her.

Rafael struggled to get another word out of his mouth watching her face crumple. He hated seeing Olivia this upset, especially knowing that he was the one who’d caused it - but he couldn’t let that derail this conversation.

_I can’t. I can’t give in to her again._

He couldn’t keep hanging onto her every emotion.

“I can’t love you like this. I won’t let myself be strung along any longer,” he finally said after a long pause, unable to conceal the pain in his voice any longer. “Either I’m all in or I walk away right now, because I can’t be your second choice.”

 _Strung along? Second choice?_ Olivia was stunned. “You’re saying that I strung you along?” she asked incredulously, feeling a defiant defensiveness creep into her belly. “We _both_ feel the same way about each other, Rafael! And I’m here trying to make things work between us.”

“That doesn’t mean you haven’t strung me along, Liv!” he fired back, red-hot anger now coursing through his veins. “If you truly wanted to be with me, you’d have broken up with Ed and stopped sneaking around behind his back a long time ago. All this time you’ve been playing the devoted girlfriend to Ed, but you come to _me_ when things go wrong or you need a shoulder to cry on. You can’t have both, Liv. And I can’t be that person for you. I need more. I deserve more than being your back-up option.”

“Then why is this still a problem, if Ed’s gone? You won’t be my back-up option. I _want_ to make things work with you,” she insisted quietly, eyes now watering with tears.

He sighed deeply and absent-mindedly fiddled with his cufflinks - anything to keep his hands from shaking. “Ed being gone doesn’t fix things, Liv. This has been so incredibly messy from the beginning.”

Olivia folded her arms indignantly. “I don’t get why you’re so hung up on this. Ed and I have broken up and I’m single now. There’ll be no more dishonesty. I called you here today so we could talk about _this_ \- about finally doing something about all this, so we don’t have to sneak around anymore. I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“So, you and Ed break up, and now the two of us can be together without a hitch?” he retorted sarcastically. “It’s not as easy or simple as that. None of these problems will disappear overnight! This isn’t any ordinary romantic relationship; all this started because we did one of the most dishonest things possible. And it seems like things are only getting more complicated. We’re too deep in to look at this clearly now. And what are people going to say when they find out that I’ve started dating you so suspiciously close to your break-up with Ed?”

“Now you’re accusing me of being naive?” Olivia demanded. “And since when do you care about what other people say about us?”

He ignored the second question for the time being and let his emotions take over in full force. “No, I’m saying that you’ve been incredibly _selfish_ , Olivia,” he replied angrily, noticing her wince hearing him use her full name. “We made a mistake when we slept together. But you kept betraying Ed while also claiming to work on your relationship. You treated me like I was the one you were dating when we both knew perfectly well that we could _never_ go public with this. You can’t have everything while you’re hurting the both of us. You breaking up with Ed doesn’t magically erase how much you’ve hurt me. It doesn’t magically erase how selfish you’ve been,” he spat out, voice venomous and acidic.

 _Selfish?_ How dare he say that to her. “I don’t know where this is coming from, Rafael. You agreed to go out to dinner with me; you invited me back to your place to watch the movie. Heck, you let me into your hotel room when you were sheltering from the BX9 threats! _You_ let me confide in you about Ed. You can’t tell me that you’re not complicit in this too,” she snapped back defensively. “And now I’m the only one who’s being selfish?”

“I _never_ said that. You did some thinking while you were away? So did I. I know what we did was wrong and that’s why we need to end things. Don’t you see that this is the problem here? It’s _precisely_ because we’re so deep in this shitty situation that we need to get this out of the way,” he declared. “It doesn’t matter that Ed’s gone now. I can’t live with myself for getting between you and Ed. I look at the two of us and all I see is… dishonesty. All I see are secrecy and lies and something that just isn’t ever going to work if one of us doesn’t back away right _now_.” Now he wished he’d saved some of his latte, because he desperately needed a drink. “We need some boundaries. _I_ need to back away from this. And… from you,” he admitted sadly.

Olivia wiped her clammy palms against her blouse, voice trembling with trepidation. She couldn’t even begin to take all of this in. “So, what does this mean for us?” _Drawing boundaries? Backing away?_ She dreaded finding out what that would mean for them. Surely he wasn’t thinking of transferring out of the Sex Crime Bureau or heck, going as far as leaving the Manhattan DA’s office? She couldn’t deal with this. Especially not now.

Rafael took a few seconds to calm down and steady his fevered breathing. God, how he hated himself for not thinking about this earlier. What on earth could either of them do? All the time he’d spent racking his brain over his feelings for Olivia, and yet he hadn’t even thought of how they were going to handle this when she got back to work… if they ever got back to work.

“We both need to step away from this and get some space, Liv. We’re never going to be friends again if we keep doing this. We have to keep our hands off each other, let things settle,” he said sadly. “Our discussion at Washington Square Park, all over again… except this time, we need to do it right.”

“So we just go back to work, keep our distance, and then what? We just let our feelings for each other die like that?” she retaliated, although the deep sadness in her tone had become apparent. _Hopefully “work” is still in the picture._ He averted eye contact, knowing he’d lose control even more if he looked into them. Thank God they were in a public setting, because being anywhere near a bed-like surface was bound to make things messy...

“I don’t know, Liv. I really don’t know,” he admitted worriedly. “I just know that we can’t keep doing this. I need to go.”

Olivia felt like she was going to throw up. No, she couldn’t have someone else walk away from her again. Elliot, Nick, Ed, and now Rafael too…

She’d really fucked up, hadn’t she?

“I’m sorry, Liv. You know I love you… I always will, but I have to do this for us. For myself.”

Rafael got out of his seat before waiting for her response, wanting so badly to slide over to her side of the table and place his arm around her now-trembling figure. How badly he wished he could be close to her; that he’d never opened his big mouth and had instead given her the kiss - the _real_ kiss - that they’d both wanted for so long.

But he couldn’t sit around and wait on her emotions and then let them dictate his behaviour. He had to break the spell that Olivia Benson had over him, once and for all. Especially if he wanted to ever work with her or be her friend again.

Even if that meant taking drastic measures to make sure they kept their distance.

He tossed his plastic cup and now-disintegrated straw into the bin, not turning back to look into Olivia’s tear-filled eyes, his posture as self-assured and stride as confident as he could possibly muster under his circumstances.

He’d done it. He’d finally stood up for himself, because he had to.

But that didn’t stop hot tears from welling up in his eyes as he trudged down the street and away from the cafe, realising he was still clutching the envelope containing the postcards she’d gotten him from Paris.

* * *

_I talked to her, Rita._

Much to Rafael’s surprise, her reply came almost immediately.

_How did it go? Did you tell her everything that you told me that day?_

_I did. She wants a relationship, Rita. But I told her I couldn’t go ahead with that. Especially not now._

_How did she take it?_

_She was upset, but I think she understands._

_So… what does that mean for the both of you now?_

_I don’t know. Maybe I’ll take a leave of absence from the DA’s office._

Rafael eyed his calendar - a relatively light case load for the next month that he easily could transfer to another ADA. The idea had been bugging him ever since he’d talked to Rita that evening - clearly the problem at hand was that he and Olivia simply couldn’t stay away from each other, and he didn’t think it’d work out this time, especially after what had happened in the hotel after Mike’s funeral. And if that meant he had to _physically_ put some distance between him and Olivia, it was a sacrifice he would have to make.

_Leave of absence? That’s pretty drastic. I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Raf. You’ll go crazy if you have nothing to do._

Blunt words, but Rafael realised with a sigh that Rita was right. A leave of absence sounded good in theory, but it’d probably take no longer than 3 days for him to dissolve into a melancholic slump. At the same time, the thought of strolling into the 16th Precinct and working like absolutely nothing had happened made him sick to his stomach. He couldn’t face Olivia. Especially not now.

Two hours later, Rafael found himself staring at a visibly stunned Jack McCoy, unable to decide if he was surprised or horrified hearing his request.

“You _want_ to take a leave of absence, Rafael? This is a surprise. The longest you’ve ever been gone is what, two weeks?” the DA asked incredulously.

“It’s bad enough that you actually can remember, huh?” Rafael replied dryly. Jack wasn’t wrong - he hadn’t taken a break of more than a few days in what seemed like ages. “I guess the HR lectures on work-life balance finally made an impact.”

“Is everything alright? Something happen at home? If you need some time, take as much as you need,” McCoy added concernedly, remembering the week off he’d given the ADA after his grandmother’s sudden passing a year ago. Knowing how close he’d been to his _abuelita_ , McCoy was shocked to see Rafael in court after just three days, impeccably-dressed and razor-sharp as he typically was, like he’d returned from a vacation to the Bahamas and not the funeral of one of his closest relatives. It was as though “Rafael Barba” and “vacation” existed in completely separate universes.

“Thanks for your concern, Jack, but everything’s fine at home. I’m just feeling… a little burned out and think it’d be good to step back from cases for a bit.” He nervously laced his hands together. “Actually... I was wondering if there was anything I could do around here. In the office. Just for a change, you know? I think I might go crazy if I just stop work suddenly.”

“I’m shocked that you’re not jumping at the chance to go on vacation somewhere while the weather is still so nice.” McCoy contemplated Rafael’s request for a few seconds as he rifled through the stack of papers on his desk - he _did_ have something that the ADA could do. “Well, if you insist on sticking around, you have good timing, because there’s _a lot_ going on here at the moment. You got anything against babysitting the last batch of summer interns?”

Rafael winced a little thinking about showing a group of chatty, probably over-qualified 20 year-olds around his office building, but that was far better than the prospect of walking into the 16th Precinct and having to face Olivia every single damn day.

“Actually… that doesn’t sound too bad,” he remarked. “I can do that,” he added, slightly more confidently.

It pained him deeply, but he needed this distance. He _needed_ to stay the hell away from Olivia until they both got their shit together. There wasn’t any other choice - even if that meant he had to entertain over-enthusiastic college juniors. He could at least try to feel excited about it.

“Excellent! Because it seems like _everyone_ who works in this damn building is trying to dodge this assignment. And I have a willing taker right here. Today is my lucky day.”

Rafael did his best to force a smile at his boss. Summer interns (whom he’d deliberately avoided working with every single year) or Olivia. Never in a million years that he imagine that he would pick the former, but here he was.

“And since you’re so enthusiastic - we’re onboarding the new ADAs right after the interns leave. Keen? Briefings, orientation… basically the same stuff you went through when you first joined the DA’s office. I guess you’ll get about a month off from your cases in total.”

 _Well, today is MY lucky day_ , Rafael thought. Time away from SVU but still having something to do to prevent his already-frantic trains of thought from derailing? God must’ve been looking out for him somehow, because the HR timeline had somehow been engineered to fit _exactly_ into this period of nothingness and longing. At least eager interns and freshly-minted ADAs weren’t nearly as distracting as one particular SVU lieutenant.

“Sounds great to me.”

“Great. I’ll let HR know to drop you an email later,” McCoy nodded satisfactorily, although he leaned in and dipped his voice seconds after. “Are you sure you don’t want to take some _proper_ time off, Rafael? I don’t want you actually burning out before the fall. If something’s going on, I’d rather you go away for a few weeks.”

“Jack, it’s fine. Nothing big’s happening. Just that I’ve had a pretty tough few months of cases and think some time away from the courtroom, and SVU…” he gulped, “... would be good.”

 _Please don’t ask me to elaborate on that_ , Rafael thought, as his eyes met McCoy’s concerned gaze. He’d followed the Catholic Church scandal closely, of course, and there wasn’t a person he knew who hadn’t already heard about the Munson case and Felipe Heredio threats. He’d had one _heck_ of a year. Hopefully that was enough of a reason for him needing a change of scenery.

“Alright then. Thanks for stepping up to help. I’m sure the interns and new ADAs would love to hear what you have to say. Hopefully they don’t take any style tips from you,” he teased, eyeing Rafael’s bright purple tie and suspenders with a grin.

If this were three months ago, Rafael would probably feel much better about being an inspiration to the idealistic young people who were soon going to file through the doors of 1 Hogan Place, but right now he certainly felt like he fell short of that standard. He’d slept with a colleague. A colleague who happened to be in a committed relationship. And from the looks of it, they still had a long, long road of damage control ahead.

At least he had something else - something new - to occupy himself until they made their next move (if there was one).

He took the longest possible path back to his office, darting past the other offices and conference rooms and making furtive eye contact with people in the hallway. About half the people he knew by name or at least recognised on sight - the rest he simply had _no clue_ about. Maybe this new assignment had come at the perfect time, when he could actually _be_ in this building and remind himself that he worked for and at 1 Hogan Place, not the 16th Precinct.

He worked for Jack McCoy, not Olivia Benson, at the end of the day - he couldn’t let her rule over him any longer. He’d become so accustomed to listening to Olivia’s every word; to reading her subtle cues, letting him push her and her pushing him. Now was the time to put an end to that.

Clearly, the change of scenery she’d gotten in Paris had set things in motion for her. Maybe it was time he got one too.

As he settled back into his office chair - a chair he knew he’d been sitting in a lot more over the next few weeks - Rafael gritted his teeth, fought the nagging pain that was forming in the recesses of his belly and got to work.

* * *

“Nice to see you back. How was Paris?”

Olivia looked up from the pile of case files that were now strewn across her desk and cracked a small smile at the blonde detective standing in her doorway.

“Long time no see. It was great, thank you.”

“We loved the pictures you sent us. Noah looked _adorable_ in that little romper and beret. And don’t worry, we and Fin got on perfectly fine while you were gone.”

 _Thank God_ , Olivia muttered under her breath. Fine enough that she’d taken _two_ extra days off before returning to the precinct. Noah had been feeling a little under the weather, likely from the exhaustion from the trip, which of course had unnerved Olivia, but secretly, she was grateful for the extra time she had at home to ruminate over that conversation she’d had with Rafael - a disastrous one, at that. It certainly hadn’t gone the way she’d expected it to.

 _Damn it._ First the break-up with Ed and now this. She had tears welling up in her eyes.

Amanda shut the door behind her and slid into the seat opposite Olivia, her eyes full of concern. “Liv, are you alright? What happened?”

Olivia chewed on her lower lip, unsure if she wanted to talk about it before they could get to Forlini’s later that day or week, but couldn’t stop herself from spilling the beans or the silent tears from falling. “Ed and I broke up while we were in Paris,” she explained softly, voice shaking. _God, it’s real now._ It wouldn’t be long until the rest of the squad - and NYPD - found out about it. She was in _so much shit_.

“Gosh, I’m so sorry that things didn’t work out. How are you doing?”

“Getting by, I guess,” she muttered. “I feel horrible. It feels like all my fault that things couldn’t work out.”

There was no hiding from that truth. She’d kick-started the chain of events that had led to this very moment by cheating on Ed. She was responsible for it all, and she knew it. And now she had a brand-new situation with Rafael that she had no clue how to navigate.

“Come on, don’t say that. I’m sure you gave it your best shot,” Amanda said reassuringly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“God, I don’t even know where to start,” Olivia groaned as she buried her face in her hands. Out of the corner of her eye she realised it was only 10 in the morning - 10am! - and already she was losing it at work. Now she wished she’d taken another sick day…

“Look, you don’t have to talk about it now if it’s too painful,” Amanda assured her. “How about we get the kids over for a playdate later this week, and we can talk about it then?”

“Actually, that sounds great. Thanks.” Olivia could live with that. At least she wouldn’t fall apart at work knowing that she had _someone_ to talk to about all of it at the end of the week. But even then, how much did she want to tell Amanda? Was it finally time for her to tell someone other than Dr. Lindstrom about what’d happened with Rafael? She was reaching her breaking point - it already was taking too much energy to keep herself from blurting it out to Amanda right now.

“Great, we can get that set up,” she smiled. “And on another note… do you know anything about the email we got from Carmen?” Amanda added, voice dipping to a low whisper.

Olivia sat up in her seat. “Carmen, as in Barba’s paralegal, Carmen?” She felt her pulse accelerate rapidly - if Carmen was the one sending the email, it probably meant business. _Fuck_ , this didn’t have anything to do with the conversation she’d had with Rafael that day, did it? She immediately opened her laptop and furiously refreshed her email inbox.

_**Subject:** ADA Rafael Barba - Leave of Absence _

_Detectives,_

_This email is to officially inform you that ADA Rafael Barba will be taking a month-long leave of absence from his caseload as he coordinates the Manhattan DA Office’s annual college summer internship programme and ADA onboarding programme..._

Olivia’s eyes lingered over the subject line and refused to leave. _A leave of absence?_ This was too well-timed and uncharacteristic of him - since when was he interested in anything remotely close to HR or walking over-enthusiastic students around the office? She realised with a sinking heart that there really was only one probable explanation for his sudden disappearance: her.

_A temporary ADA will take over Mr. Barba’s current caseload until he returns from his leave of absence. Should you have any questions, please drop me an email._

Olivia cursed under her breath. First Rafael had basically abandoned them for the next month, and now they’d have to deal with a temporary ADA, which almost never ended well for them. Was this a troubling dip back into the time that SVU couldn’t hold down an ADA for more than a few months at a time? A pit of dread formed in her stomach - she didn’t think she had the emotional bandwidth to deal with yet another new face in the squadroom.

She was brought back to reality by Amanda, whom she realised was now standing over her shoulder and staring at the same email. “Carisi and I were just talking about how out-of-the-blue this is. Did we do something to piss Barba off? He didn’t even tell us that he was going away. I was thinking that he’d have at least told _you_ something.”

 _Except that I’m the last person Rafael wants to talk to now_ , Olivia realised with a defeated sulk. God damn, she thought that her guilt was enough of a punishment for the mess that she’d gotten them into. Now the whole squad was being punished for it too, and for the umpteenth time that day, she felt the weight of her guilt silently crush her chest. _This_ was Rafael’s idea of distance, and she couldn’t fight it because she’d been the one to do him wrong.

“I don’t know what’s going on with Barba. Maybe Jack McCoy roped him into this. I’ll see if I can find out what’s going on,” she lied right through her teeth. “In the meantime, let’s make sure everything is in order for the replacement ADA, whoever they are.”

“Alright. I’ll let Carisi and Fin know.” _Okay, something definitely happened while Liv was gone._ How did Olivia _not_ have even the slightest clue about this? She’d watched her lieutenant’s face fall as she opened the email from Carmen, heard the evasiveness in her tone when she claimed not to know what had happened with Barba. As she closed the door behind her, Amanda made a mental note to get to the bottom of what was bothering her so much when they got dinner later that week.

Olivia watched Amanda walk back into the squadroom and turn to Sonny, whose disappointed frown made it very clear that he wasn’t happy about Rafael’s sudden leave of absence either. Frankly, she didn’t blame the detective - Rafael was the best ADA that SVU had worked with in recent years, and as annoying as he could be about Carisi’s interest in the law, the detective had come to respect him immensely. Most importantly, everyone felt close enough that it only seemed reasonable that they heard the news from Rafael himself instead of through Carmen. Nothing about this situation felt desirable.

And it was Olivia’s fault for all of this.

She stared at the undrunk coffee that Fin had bought her earlier that morning and ruminated over the anguish in Rafael’s voice in the coffee shop a couple of days ago.

_I look at the two of us and all I see is dishonesty. All I see is secrecy and lies and something that just isn’t ever going to work if one of us doesn’t back away right now._

She recalled how his green eyes had flashed with a potent mix of anger, hurt, and betrayal; how venomous and pained his voice had been. He’d obviously been mulling over this for days while she was gone.

_So, you and Ed break up, and now the two of us can be together without a hitch? It’s not as easy or simple as that. None of these problems will disappear overnight!_

What the hell had she been thinking, wanting to rush into a relationship with Rafael like that? He was right - everything that had happened between them had been steeped in so much dishonesty and secrecy that jumping into something new only seemed like a recipe for even more disaster. _Fuck_ , they’d been impulsive - ignoring all the warning signs and nagging at their consciences to continue with this… liaison in secret. An emotional affair? Something more than just that? He’d diagnosed the problem perfectly - they were too deep in to see things clearly.

She couldn’t see things clearly.

_That doesn’t mean you haven’t strung me along, Liv!_

God, she hated how right he was. She hated herself for stringing him along… knowing full well the whole time that she’d been doing just that. Of course it took two to tango, but she thought of the heated way she’d reacted to Rafael’s outburst that afternoon and felt like an utter asshole.

She’d been completely unfair to Ed, and just as unfair to Rafael. How he’d put up with her for as long as he had, she didn’t have a clue - to live with the crumbs from Ed and even let her cry on his shoulder.

_No, I’m saying that you’ve been incredibly selfish, Olivia._

Those words stayed with her long after he’d left; they taunted her all throughout the day. She realised how badly she craved Rafael’s respect and validation, as much as he craved hers, and now she’d completely shattered that with everything she’d done. She’d taken advantage of Rafael’s kindness - and she realised, with a lump in her throat, his feelings for her as well - and realised too late that this simply couldn’t continue this way.

She’d been selfish, so incredibly selfish. Rafael deserved far better than something born in secret.

She’d wanted so badly to have it all, but now both Ed and Rafael were gone and she knew that there was no one but herself to blame. Rafael loved her, she loved him - but they’d gone too far now, and she didn’t know how they were going to recover from this.

It broke her heart, but they needed this distance if they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

Olivia wanted to run to 1 Hogan Place and find him _right now_ and tell him that he was right and that she was an asshole, but she couldn’t do that. He’d gone to the extent of applying for a leave of absence to stay away from her.

So she settled for a text message, hoping he’d at least know that she’d taken everything he’d said to heart.

_Rafael, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for everything. You were right - I was stringing you along. I was unfair to you, and you have every right to be angry at me._

_I hope we can talk when you return from your leave of absence. Take care of yourself._

She spent the rest of the day waiting for a reply that never came.

* * *

“Bill, it’s so nice to see you. How are you holding up?” Ed reached out to give the Deputy Chief a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Why or how he was back at work less than a couple of months after losing his son, he didn’t know, but he admired Bill’s tenacity.

“Thanks, Ed. It’s been rough, but it’s nice to be back at work. Gives me something else to think about, you know?” Dodds gratefully accepted the Americano that Ed had ordered for him and made himself comfortable in the seat across from him. “What have you been up to the last few weeks?”

“Just taking some time off before my next chapter,” Ed remarked as he sipped his latte. “And I just got back from Paris a few days ago.”

Dodds was visibly surprised. “You went to Paris? How did I not know you were away? Wow, it must’ve been nice taking some time off.”

“It was pretty nice. Beautiful, of course,” Ed remarked, although the sting of the break-up continued to prick away at him. “It’s nice to get out of New York once in a while. And Paris is surprisingly fun and kid-friendly - who would’ve guessed?”

Dodds furrowed his brows in confusion. “You went to Paris with Olivia and Noah?”

“Yeah, I did.” _Now to tell him that we also broke up in Paris..._

“Wait. Hadn’t you and Olivia broken up?” Dodds asked, in obvious shock, before Ed could get another word in.

Now it was Ed’s turn to be confused. “How did you know? We broke up _in_ Paris. Last day of our trip. I haven’t told anyone. Did Liv say something?” God, if Olivia had already told people about their break-up...

“But I thought…” Dodds stared into his coffee and hesitated for a few seconds, obviously contemplating what to say. “I must’ve been mistaken, then. I thought you two had broken up over a month ago. Anyway, I’m sorry to hear that. I thought you and Olivia were great together.”

“Thanks, Bill,” Ed replied off-handedly, although he couldn’t help but linger on what Dodds had said _before_ that. Why would he think that Olivia had broken up with him over a month ago? They’d been having issues, sure, but nothing close to “taking a break” from their relationship, and Olivia certainly wasn’t the kind to discuss her love life in the office. Unless…

 _Fuck_.

“Bill, fill me in - why did you think Liv and I had broken up a month ago? Is there something I need to know?” He eyed the deputy chief suspiciously as Dodds averted his gaze - there had to be _something_ that Dodds knew that he didn’t. They’d known each other too long to keep secrets like that.

“I’m not sure I should tell you, Ed. I don’t want to rub salt into your wound while the break-up is still raw, and honestly, I can’t even confirm what I saw…” Dodds sputtered nervously, his face now beet red.

 _Saw? Bill **saw** something? _Ed felt his heart rate shoot up instantly; blood rush through his ears.

_No, no, no._

He didn’t want to believe it, but it was the first thing that popped into his head.

“Trust me, Bill, you can’t punch me more than I’ve already punched myself.” _Just tell me_ , his eyes screamed.

Dodds sighed deeply and gave in. “You were in Albany for that policing conference, I think. I was out to dinner on the Upper East Side with Alice, and I…” Dodds paused to take a deep breath and sip of his coffee, worry and guilt written all over his face. “... I saw Olivia with Rafael Barba. Arms around each other, looking cosy. They entered what I think must have been his apartment building together and went up in the elevator. Which is why I thought you two had already broken up. I’m sorry, Ed,” he said apologetically.

 _Rafael Barba. That_ **bastard _._** The audacity of him!

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” Dodds added guiltily when Ed didn’t respond and only stared listlessly into his coffee. “I really thought… They’ve always been close, so I just assumed it’d turned into something more…”

“It’s not on you, Bill. God, I didn’t have a clue. When she broke up with me, I thought it was just because we’d run our course.” Ed stirred his latte absent-mindedly and stared out the window listlessly as questions raced through his mind. Had Olivia lied to him? Had she been spending time with Rafael Barba while the two of them were arguing about every little thing in their relationship? Had she been fucking that bastard behind his back the whole time?

Thank goodness he and Bill weren’t anywhere near 1 Hogan Place, because there would be very little stopping him from storming into the building in search of that bastard, like he’d _almost_ done when he’d first found out about Olivia’s one night stand with him - which was now looking like _a lot_ more than just a one-night stand.

_Maybe I should have given Rafael Barba a piece of my mind back then._

“Um… do you want to talk about this, or should we change the subject?” Dodds asked awkwardly, voice still tinged with guilt and cheeks tomato red with embarrassment. Ed stared out the window, doubt and anger flashing through this eyes.

 _All this_ being the realisation that he was going to view his break-up with Olivia in a completely new light from here on. That she’d been spending time with _Rafael Barba_ despite promising to keep her distance from him. That all this had been happening right under his nose, while he tried so hard to repair their relationship like a damn idiot.

It made his blood boil.

“Talk to me about literally _anything_ else, please.” Anything before he lost his temper in the middle of this coffee shop, or worse, made a beeline for 1 Hogan Place right this instant.

“Well, then.” Dodds cleared his throat awkwardly. “I thought we could talk about your next chapter. Heard you were interested in moving to HNT.”

Relieved for the distraction, Ed “Yeah, I talked to them. I was going to _officially_ put my papers in after getting back from Paris, but I haven’t gotten down to doing that yet.”

“Are you firm on that, or will you consider other options?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I thought HNT would be a good fit because of what happened during the incident at the townhouse last year, but…”

“Olivia. Of course.” Dodds remembered the townhouse incident (and all the paperwork it created) like it was yesterday. No one had doubted Ed’s calm decisiveness, but Dodds didn’t blame his friend for wanting to stay far away from anything that reminded him of his now-former flame. “Well, I actually heard of a great new opportunity that seems like an excellent fit for you and wanted to talk to you about it - maybe you can give it some thought before you get your transfer papers in.”

This had to be fated. Maybe something new - something he hadn’t previously considered - was what he needed to make a truly fresh start. “Tell me more.”

“The Conviction Integrity Unit’s looking for a new investigator, and with your experience in IAB, I thought you’d be a good fit for the position. You’ll be looking at past cases and convictions, particularly in cases where we think a wrongful conviction has been made. It’s the kind of detail-oriented work you’re used to, and with your interview experience and skills, I couldn’t help but think of you when I saw the open posting. I know it isn’t quite as exciting as HNT, but…”

Ed’s eyes shot open - this certainly sounded like something he’d be interested in. Not too far from his old job, but new and exciting enough that it’d keep his mind off Olivia. “No, that actually sounds like something I’ll enjoy. I’ll definitely have to give that some thought.”

“I’ve emailed you the link to the posting. Have a look.”

Ed pulled his phone out of his pocket and sure enough, he had a new email from Bill.

_Manhattan District Attorney’s Office - Conviction Integrity Unit._

He quickly scanned the job description, but couldn’t get that email header out of his mind.

It dawned upon him seconds later. _Manhattan District Attorney’s Office._ The Conviction Integrity Unit was based out of the DA’s office. _1 Hogan Place_ \- it was right there in the footer of the email.

Which meant that he’d be sharing an office building with one particular Cuban-American ADA. An ADA that he now had his eye on for _all_ the wrong reasons.

Suddenly, his desire to run far away from both Olivia and Barba was extinguished and replaced with a red-hot, vindictive anger. Rubbing shoulders with Barba in the hallway. Investigating his previous cases. Maybe even close enough to find out the truth about what’d happened between him and Olivia behind his back.

Sure, he’d literally only just seen the job posting, but with timing like this, it was like God was speaking directly to him. He sat up in his seat and confidently looked William Dodds in the eye.

“You know what? I’m going to go for it.”

Ed’s lips curled into a devilish grin.


	13. Not Ready To Make Nice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia and Rafael may be on a break, but that's not enough to stop chaos from brewing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for sticking with me - i hope you’ve been enjoying this story! 😊 your comments mean the world to mel thank you so much for joining me on this wild ride.

“Damn, that’s tough,” Amanda remarked as she poured Olivia a glass of wine, keeping a careful eye on Jesse, who was sleeping in her crib, and Noah, who was playing with Frannie in front of the couch.

Olivia stared into her spaghetti and meatballs - Sonny’s recipe, apparently - and nodded silently. “I can’t believe I did it _while_ I was there. Romantic night, perfect summer weather… Terrible for telling someone that I want to end things with them. It sounds almost comical, now that I’m saying it out loud.”

“Yikes. How did he take it?”

“I don’t think he wasn’t expecting it, if you get what I mean.” Olivia absent-mindedly twirled her spaghetti around her fork, deep in thought. “We’d been having problems for a while, and things just weren’t getting better. We thought that Paris would be a good break for us, but I realised while I was there that my heart wasn’t in it anymore.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened between you and Ed?” Amanda asked cautiously. “I didn’t want to overstep… but I couldn’t help but notice that things between you changed after that sex trafficking investigation.”

“Things went downhill after the DA’s office closed that investigation.” Olivia gulped and swallowed the lump in her throat that formed thinking of the fateful night she and Rafael had spent together. “It took a toll on us.”

“Yeah, I was wondering how his constant visits to the precinct were making you feel. Well, me… and Sonny and Fin,” she added sheepishly.

“You guys noticed, huh.” She knew someone would bring those visits up eventually.

Amanda raised an eyebrow. “To be absolutely fair, Tucker isn’t exactly the most popular person around here. Not that we weren’t happy for you, Liv, but I think my heart was in my mouth every single time he walked through the door,” she joked lightly, although Olivia could sense her genuine fear of the former IAB captain and the times he’d almost stripped Amanda of her job. She didn’t blame Amanda. That was only the natural product of her dating someone she never thought she’d fall in love with.

“I really should have told him not to show up here so often,” Olivia lamented. “I don’t know why it took me so long to tell him that.” Why had she taken so bloody long to break up with Ed? Maybe she wouldn’t be in this mess if she’d ended things earlier, but now all she had to live with was regret.

Amanda cocked her head quizzically and motioned for Olivia to continue. “Communication issues, I guess. We weren’t on the same page about how to fix our relationship. It still makes me shudder that he left IAB for me.”

Even Amanda winced being reminded of that. “Oof, that was a big transition. How are you feeling about everything now, though?”

“Honestly? Maybe I’m relieved that it’s over. But I still go over all the things I did wrong and feel like an absolute asshole. Don’t know when this feeling’s going to go away,” Olivia sighed.

Amanda cast Olivia a sympathetic glance as she topped up her wine glass. “Don’t beat yourself up, Liv. Not to get all corny on you, but you know what they always say about relationships being a two-way street. You don’t need to shoulder all the blame.”

 _Except that all this really does feel like it was my fault._ The memories of the night that’d started it all were starting to fade, but her guilt was as fresh as ever. Fuck, she _still_ couldn’t pin down what had led her to betray the most reliable person she’d ever dated. It didn’t matter if she had hidden feelings for Rafael. There was literally no good reason for her to hurt Ed so deeply, and now she understood just what Rafael had meant when he’d told her that all he could see was dishonesty. They were in far too deep.

“Easier said than done, but I think I’m getting there. Slowly.” It’d been slightly over a week since she’d broken up with Ed, but why did it feel like an eternity? She downed the rest of her wine and managed a smile at Amanda, who seemed to heave a tiny sigh of relief seeing that Olivia wasn’t quite the emotional wreck she’d expected her to be after she’d teared up in her office.

“So…” Amanda decided to change the subject. “Did you find out why Barba took this sudden leave of absence?”

Olivia almost choked on her meatball hearing Rafael’s name, making Amanda slightly regret this sudden change of topic. “What? … oh. No, I haven’t talked to him about it,” she admitted evasively, hoping that Amanda wouldn’t press for details.

 _Weird_. It’d been a few days since they’d gotten the news, and Olivia still _hadn’t_ asked Barba about it? They seemed like the kind who couldn’t go a couple of days without talking, and this massive change hadn’t come up? “Everything okay between you two?”

“Honestly? I don’t know.” Olivia sighed. “Things have been a little... weird between us lately,” she choked out hesitantly, like it physically pained her to admit that.

“What happened? You two were perfectly fine right before you left for Paris.”

Damn Amanda and her detective instincts, which made her one hell of a squad member but also the nosiest person there (although Carisi was giving her a run for her money). Nothing got past her. She and the squad had been silent spectators to the ongoing drama of the past few months, and she honestly was surprised that neither Amanda nor Fin had snapped and stormed into her office to interrogate her about it already.

“I don’t know if it’s because of what we did,” Amanda added quietly before Olivia could get a word in, to which Olivia stared at her quizzically. “Sonny and I were looking at the holiday photos you sent us, and we showed them to Barba, and we watched his face fall. Something just seemed super off that day.”

Amanda studied Olivia’s face closely, noticing the subtle way it crumpled… oh, there _definitely_ was something going on between them. _Now to find out why._

None of this made sense to her, though. _If Barba has a thing for Olivia, then shouldn’t he be rejoicing over her break-up with Ed Tucker?_ Whatever was going on between the two of them, she knew for sure now: it was something _much_ more than just work.

“Barba and I… aren’t exactly talking at the moment. I don’t really know what caused this.” Olivia realised that she wasn’t technically lying about that. She had no clue what had precipitated Rafael’s sudden change of heart, at least not until she’d heard about his reaction to her holiday photos. Maybe he’d seen the Paris photos and something had finally snapped in him. Maybe her absence had gotten him thinking hard about where he stood. Whatever had happened, clearly he’d been rattled enough to do a complete 180 on her.

Amanda’s jaw dropped. “I know you two squabble all the time, but this is the first time it’s gotten this bad. Is this about a case? Are you two going to be okay?” she asked again, her voice dipping to a low - but emphatic - whisper. “This is just so sudden…”

“It’s not about a case, which makes it even worse. I think he just needs some time to work through his issues. Hopefully things go back to normal soon,” she blurted out nervously in a futile attempt to forget about the pit of dread forming in her belly.

 _And I need time to work through MY issues too,_ Olivia completed in her head. A week ago she’d have been quite optimistic about things returning to normal and even improving in due time, but now she wasn’t so sure. The spaghetti she’d been chewing on suddenly felt limp and tasteless in her mouth.

Amanda smiled as optimistically as she could. “Let’s hope the replacement ADA’s a good one. I’ve gotten too used to working with Barba. He’ll be back for sure, right?”

“God, I hope so,” Olivia immediately interjected, fervently hoping that her desperation wasn’t apparent in her tone. Fuck, she hadn’t even considered the possibility that Rafael wouldn’t be back at the end of his leave of absence. Now her desire to reach out to him had been extinguished completely. She couldn’t do anything to get him worked up again, even though a part of her was screaming to head to his office right now and apologise, this time in person.

This was going to be one _long_ month, and it hadn’t even officially started yet.

Olivia sank into her seat, realising with sobering clarity that she absolutely deserved to feel like the asshole she was. All she hoped was that the squad wasn’t going to get punished too harshly for it too.

* * *

“Hi everyone, glad to see you all here on time. This afternoon’s briefing is going to be...” Rafael quickly checked his notes, “... a lecture by retired Supreme Court Judge Elizabeth Donnelly, who was one of the pioneering women ADAs in the Manhattan DA’s office and later, a Bureau Chief and Judge. She’ll be talking about her career in the DA’s office and imparting some useful advice.” The silver-haired former judge - a woman he’d known by reputation and long respected - stepped up to the podium and quickly launched into her talk, leaving Rafael to relax in his seat in the front row.

He stared out into the crowd of fresh-faced, youthful ADAs, laptops and iPads out and ready to take notes, and wondered why he hadn’t volunteered to do this in previous summers. All he had to do was show up at the office at the wondrously humane hour of 9.30am, make his way to the conference room, and present slideshows and read from notes that _other_ people had prepared for him. No hurried run-walks to 60 Centre Street, no late nights prepping uncooperative witnesses, and no early mornings frantically revising his strategy while also trying to fasten his suspenders and gel his hair.

Best of all, he didn’t have to be anywhere near the 16th Precinct.

It’d been just over two weeks since he’d started this leave of absence, and he hadn’t bumped into Olivia once, save for one awkward, and thankfully, brief, encounter in the hallway when the squad members had gone to 1 Hogan Place in search of their temporary ADA. From the nervous way she’d avoided eye contact with him, she was still feeling guilty about all that had gone down. Occasionally he wondered if he should have replied to her apologetic text messages, but decided to preserve the sanctity of their month-long break, knowing that things would go south rapidly if he let her occupy even more bandwidth in his mind.

A few hours later, Rafael retreated to the serenity of his office and idly thumbed through the emails he’d received that day while slowly eating the salad he’d ordered on UberEats - a rare and long-awaited mid-week treat. A couple of general updates from Jack McCoy, which he skimmed and then deleted immediately. An invitation to weekly ADA drinks at Forlini’s, which he’d decided to avoid for the time being because he knew Olivia and her squad were there often. A memo from Carmen with the following day’s orientation schedule.

And a weekly circular from HR.

Typically, Rafael didn’t bother to read the HR circulars - too many people worked at 1 Hogan Place for him to keep track of the comings and goings, and he figured that if anyone of note joined or departed from the DA’s office, he’d hear about it from Carmen or through word-of-mouth eventually. But curiosity, combined with the unusually large amount of downtime he had nowadays, made him click on it.

_**The Conviction Integrity Unit welcomes a new Lead Investigator.** _

_The Conviction Integrity Unit, founded in 2012 by former Executive District Attorney David Haden…_

Rafael flinched seeing his name. He’d met Haden only a handful of times before he’d stepped down from the DA’s office and left for private practice in the aftermath of the Paula Foster scandal, but whispers were abound that he’d once been involved with Olivia a few months before Rafael made the lateral transfer to Manhattan. God, he did _not_ want to be reminded of Olivia yet again…

_… welcomes a new Lead Investigator. Captain Ed Tucker leaves an illustrious 15-year career with the NYPD’s Internal Affairs Bureau to join the Manhattan DA’s Office..._

Oh, _fuck._ He choked on a lettuce leaf.

So much for not being reminded of Olivia.

He re-read the email in a panic and forced himself to take in the news: Ed Tucker was going to be working in the same building as him. Why, oh why, had he chosen to read _this_ particular HR circular? (Or maybe it was better than finding out about his new colleague by chance, but neither situation was ideal.) Now Rafael questioned if he wanted to spend so much time in 1 Hogan Place, after all. He’d taken this temporary assignment for the specific purpose of avoiding Olivia, and now the person she’d cheated on with him was transferring to this very office?

 _Conviction Integrity_. Shit, he didn’t need Ed Tucker poking around his old cases now. Of course Rafael believed in the importance of the unit and its job holding the DA’s office accountable, but he’d be fine with _literally_ any other investigator. He didn’t want to imagine staring Ed Tucker down in some basement conference room, going over all his old cases and convictions for hours on end, and dodging inevitable questions about the nature of his relationship with Olivia.

Rafael rubbed his temples and realised that he’d lost his appetite. It was taking all his willpower not to reach for his bottle of scotch and pour himself a glass right now - he couldn’t have alcohol on his breath when he still had an afternoon of orientation briefings and meetings ahead. _Best not to start the new ADAs on a drinking habit this early in their careers_ , he thought, although they’d probably need it soon enough. Especially if they slept with a detective - a detective who was in a high-profile relationship with another NYPD heavyweight.

He leaned back in his chair and read the email for the third time. It really was happening. They’d even attached a picture of a smiling Ed next to Jack McCoy. Rafael scrutinised his facial expression, wondering again how Olivia had fallen for this raisin of a man, but quickly shoved that thought aside when he realised that he’d soon be seeing this raisin face around his office.

He’d never seen Ed Tucker look this triumphant in his life. Was he triumphant because...

 _You’re just overthinking things_ , he admonished himself. IAB and the Conviction Integrity Unit demanded a similar skill set anyway - it was only natural that Ed Tucker would go for a position that’d make use of his strengths (being a nosy, suspicious asshole). Former NYPD detectives joined the DA’s office all the time. This wasn’t a huge leap.

But why did this feel like a targeted move against Rafael?

Did Olivia know about Ed’s new career move? Did he want to know if she knew? What was he going to do about it anyway - storm into her office and talk about it, and probably end up making out again in an angry haze? Seeing her was too dangerous, and he’d take his burning curiosity over Ed Tucker over the possibilities of yet another heated interaction with her.

Ordinarily he’d never cross paths with Ed Tucker, and he was more than content with that reality. Now he had _two_ people to avoid, and he had a sinking feeling that things were going to go very awry, very quickly if he didn’t watch his back.

* * *

Olivia didn’t know when the last time she’d been this unproductive was.

Sure, her ability to concentrate on her work had taken a nosedive ever since the night she’d completely screwed over her love life a couple of months ago, but things hadn’t gotten quite this bad until now. Yet another morning had been spent staring listlessly at her computer and thinking about Rafael and she knew that this had to change before the squad room erupted in flames, but her heart just wasn’t in it, especially when they were overwhelmed by a growing caseload and incompetent replacement ADA.

Thank goodness for Fin, who’d stepped up to the plate when he sensed that Olivia needed some space and didn’t ask any questions. Even if she didn’t quite look like one, she was an emotional _wreck,_ plain and simple. She hadn’t even had time to squeeze in a visit to Dr. Lindstrom, which was probably the best thing she could do for herself right now.

“Lieu, I don’t know how much more we can take of this.”

Olivia looked up from her laptop and realised that an exasperated Sonny was standing in the doorway. “Sorry for not knocking, but this is _bad_. We’ve called ADA Johnson at least five times in the last 24 hours and he’s not responding to _any_ of our text messages. We haven’t gotten a single warrant for this case!”

She buried her head in her hands. _Shit_ , this was bad, and she did _not_ need this additional problem on top of all her existing personal drama. “Have you called his office?” she tried, although she already knew what the answer was going to be.

“Fin’s tried multiple times today, but his assistant says he’s not been in the office all day. Apparently he’s been MIA,” he shrugged.

“I’ll let Jack McCoy know what’s going on. If you don’t hear from Johnson by 3 this afternoon, I’ll have to push for a replacement.” _A replacement for the replacement_.

“Can’t you get Barba back from his leave of absence? Then we’ll definitely get back on track before this gets even more out of hand. Come on, you two are close, right?”

Olivia winced hearing Rafael’s name. _Fuck_ , this was doing nothing to remedy the crushing guilt she’d already been feeling for the last fortnight. At least Amanda hadn’t spilled the beans about their ongoing cold war to Sonny. “I’m sorry, Carisi, but there’s not much I can do about that. Fin checked with Carmen and we’re not going to get Barba back until the leave of absence officially ends.”

“Then Amanda and I will talk to Barba ourselves and get to the bottom of this,” he asserted.

“Sonny, you don’t have to do that,” Olivia insisted, hoping that her use of his first name would help her message register. Hopefully Amanda would be able to talk him out of it, because at least she knew that the problem wasn’t quite their typical work-related disagreement. But the look in his eyes told her that there was no point talking him out of this - when Sonny was on a mission, nothing was going to stop him.

“Where are they going?” Fin called out to her, as he watched Amanda and Sonny storm out of the squad room and towards the building exit.

“Hopefully not to do anything stupid,” Olivia replied, although she couldn’t help but hope that they’d storm into Rafael’s office and chew him out on her behalf. This honestly was starting to feel ridiculous and far too punitive - surely Rafael didn’t have to punish the entire squad with his absence? If this was his way of leaving her with some food for thought, he’d done more than enough to make her learn her lesson by now.

God, she missed him. She missed strolling into the squadroom to find him waiting for her, legs propped up on the table and hands full of pretzels he’d stolen from the break room snack jar. She missed watching him adjust his tie and suspenders in the reflection of her office window, her pretending not to notice. She missed the way he pushed her to think harder about their cases in that fiery, passionate tone of his, the way he leaned into her as they shared an inside joke...

_I’m saying that you’ve been incredibly selfish, Olivia._

She’d replayed those words in her head over and over again, but it wasn’t the message that stayed. It was the sting of his tone; the bitterness of the realisation that Rafael _disapproved_ of her. Many times he’d harshly criticised the way she did her job or looked at a case, but never had he insinuated that it had anything to do with her character. Now his perception of her was probably in shambles, and he didn’t even want to speak to her.

Now, she realised, she desperately wanted to get back into his good graces. Except that she didn’t quite know how.

She tried to keep her mind focussed on her to-do list - _call Jack McCoy, make sure they got those warrants somehow, check if Lucy was free to watch Noah for a couple of extra hours while they sorted this mess out_ …

But that didn’t stop her from fretting about what’d happen when Rafael (hopefully) got back from his leave of absence. Was this cold war going to continue indefinitely? Did he expect her to apologise to him again? Were they going to talk this out somehow, maybe try to fix things a second time? The uncertainty ate away at her like a piranha.

Desperate for a distraction unrelated to 1 Hogan Place and its occupants, Olivia absent-mindedly refreshed her email inbox and clicked on the first email that popped up.

_This month in HR (Human Resource) Happenings!_

Usually these emails went straight to her trash bin, but today she’d be content with reading something mindless to get her mind off everything else.

_The NYPD bids farewell to Captain Ed Tucker, who leaves the Internal Affairs Bureau after an illustrious 15-year career..._

She just couldn’t catch a break, could she? Of all the HR emails she’d received (and immediately deleted) over the years, _this_ just had to be the one she happened to save and read.

_… to join the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office’s **Conviction Integrity Unit** as a Lead Investigator. _

_Fuck_ , she cursed audibly, and immediately moved to shut the door to her office. _Ed is joining the DA’s office?_

What on earth had happened to his interest in the Hostage Negotiation Unit? It was all that he could talk about in Paris, and now he’d abandoned that for a position in the DA’s office?

This felt too well-timed for it to be just a coincidence.

Olivia nervously ran her thumb over her phone in her pocket, wondering if this bombshell warranted another text to Rafael. Surely he’d want to know if his arch-rival was going to start work in the same building and possibly start digging through his old cases, especially when that arch-rival happened to have a vindictive streak _and_ burning disdain for him…

But _no_. She stopped herself before she could open her chat with Rafael, where her apologetic texts from a few weeks ago remained read but unreplied. He spent all day in in 1 Hogan Place nowadays; someone had probably told him about Ed’s new job by now. And even if he hadn’t, he probably didn’t want to hear the news from her.

Hopefully Ed wasn’t going to make any trouble and push Rafael even further away from her. Olivia took a swig of her coffee, not caring that she was burning her tongue, and silently cursed this limbo they were in.

 _Control._ She didn’t have _control_ over any of this, and it was what was driving her crazy. She felt powerless to fix this situation, and it only looked to get even messier with Ed’s new job.

But there were warrants and cases to take care of, and if she couldn’t get any closure, she could at least try harder at doing her job properly, so she picked up the phone and dialled Jack McCoy’s number before she could let her anxiety take over.

* * *

“Sonny, I’m not so sure this is a good idea,” Amanda remarked worriedly as he frantically pushed the elevator button. “Should we really be doing this?”

She didn’t know how Sonny had talked her into following him all the way here - a whole subway ride away from the precinct - but here they were, in 1 Hogan Place, storming in the direction of Barba’s office. “Look, Manda, we’re stuck with this terrible replacement ADA and it’s all because Barba took this sudden leave of absence without even bothering to tell us in advance. We deserve an explanation.”

“How do you know he’s even in his office?” she asked skeptically. “For all we know, he could be busy with the ADA orientation stuff and we’ve made a wasted trip.”

“A friend from law school sent me the schedule. Today’s a free afternoon,” he explained quickly as the elevator doors opened onto Barba’s floor, Amanda struggling to keep pace with his quick, assertive strides. Oh, he’d prepared for this. Stopping him was almost futile at this point.

“Sonny, we’re going to be stuck with ADA Johnson for less than two weeks more. I hate him just as much as you do, but can’t we just put up with him until Barba gets back?” she pleaded as she followed him down the hallway. “When did _I_ become the rational one?”

“ _If_ Barba gets back. He left in such a hurry, surely he’s feeling mad. What if he’s mad enough that he asks for a transfer?” Sonny questioned. “We at least deserve to know if we did something to piss him off.”

“Aren’t you jumping the gun here?” She dropped her voice to a whisper, suddenly conscious of how empty the hallway was. “Look, Liv told me that she got into an argument with Barba about _something_ and that’s why he’s taken some time off. Who knows, they’ll probably kiss and make up like they always do and it’ll all be fine by the time he gets back.” Amanda realised she hadn’t intended to say “kiss and make up”... maybe it was too appropriate a Freudian slip? “Anyway, Liv said it’s personal. We shouldn’t be interfering.”

Sonny didn’t budge. “Barba knows better than to let some petty drama get in the way of his job. Whatever he has going on with Lieu, he needs to fix it. I want him to explain this mess he got us into.”

“He’s not going to tell you anything if you’re _this_ mad, and it’s not like he’s going to return immediately if you storm in like that.” But before she could stop him, they were at the door of Rafael’s office, and realising that Carmen wasn’t at her post, Sonny stormed in despite Amanda’s silent protests.

“I said no visitors, Carmen,” Rafael muttered angrily, although his expression quickly changed to one of shock when he looked up and saw the two unwelcome guests standing right in front of him. “Detectives. Didn’t expect to see you here,” he said, his tone cold and unfriendly.

“Sorry, Barba. We didn’t mean to inter-” Amanda started apologetically, only to be interrupted by a furious Sonny.

“What the hell, Barba? You disappear for a month without telling us and leave us with this piece-of-shit replacement ADA? Can you at least explain what’s going on here?” Amanda almost snorted hearing virtuous, good-Catholic-boy Sonny utter a curse word, but quickly turned her attention back to the ADA.

“Clearly I haven’t disappeared, because you two knew exactly where to find me,” Rafael retorted sarcastically. He furrowed his eyebrows and shut his laptop to look the detectives in the eye. “I needed some time off to deal with some personal issues, Carisi. Satisfied?”

“You couldn’t even pick up the phone and tell us before you had Carmen send that email?” Sonny demanded.

Guilt flashed through his eyes. “Look, I’m sorry that it happened so suddenly, but my caseload is light now and I had to take the opportunity.”

“Great for you, but not so much for us when the replacement ADA we got can’t even handle that! Can you at least get us another replacement ADA who’ll actually answer the phone?”

“Sonny, you need to calm down,” Amanda warned him, but her plea fell on deaf ears.

“Ask your lieutenant to call Jack McCoy,” Rafael sighed defeatedly. “I’m sorry I can’t be of more help, but this is out of my hands.”

“Whatever you have going on with Lieu, you need to get over it and do your job, Barba. This isn’t you! What is so bad that you can’t even work with us? Did you really have to drop everything and leave?”

“It’s not so simple, Carisi!” Rafael snapped, startling them both. “I don’t like leaving you guys in the lurch like that either, and I’m sorry,” he added after a pause to collect himself. “I know this isn’t like me, and you’re right that I handled it badly, but there’s a lot going on at the moment and I can’t handle my usual work now,” Rafael admitted, his voice cracking ever-so-slightly. If this wasn’t enough to satisfy Carisi’s curiosity, he wasn’t sure what would, and he wasn’t about to tell the detectives the whole truth...

 _Happy now, Sonny?_ Amanda mouthed at her partner, who thankfully seemed to be somewhat appeased by Rafael’s explanation. “Alright. But please tell us that you’ll be back at the end of the month. ADA Johnson is doing a terrible job.”

“I’ll be back, Carisi,” Rafael replied with as much conviction as he could muster. Right now he didn’t want to think about heading back to work, but the worried looks on the detectives’ faces made him say it for their sake.

As Sonny walked out of the office, Amanda quickly leaned in and whispered imploringly, “Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you and Liv - she told me it’s personal and I don’t want to get in your business. But please, sort this out and get back to work soon because the squad room feels like a ticking time bomb at the moment.”

Rafael’s mouth suddenly felt dry. “I’ll try my best, Rollins,” he managed.

“See you soon, hopefully.”

 _God, I feel awful_ , Rafael realised. Just his luck that the squad had been saddled with Scott Johnson, of all people - the last person he wanted to take his place. For the first time in a couple of weeks, he reached into his desk drawer and poured himself a glass of scotch, relishing the familiar way the amber liquid burned the back of his throat. He was mad at Olivia, of course, but even this felt unnecessarily harsh on her. Had he made a mistake, taking this leave of absence?

This felt wrong: punishing the rest of the squad with his absence. He hadn’t yet thought about what he was going to do when this leave of absence ended, but it was hard to fight the sense of obligation he felt to the squad and his cases. He’d stayed in Sex Crimes this long because he was passionate about the work he did, whether or not he happened to have tension with a certain detective.

Two more weeks. Two more weeks to figure himself out once and for all and _do this job_. At some point, he was going to have to rip the Band-Aid and face her again, and when he did, he wanted to make sure he was mentally prepared. He’d chosen to take some time off, and he needed to commit to that.

Hopefully they’d _both_ be able to keep things together until then.

* * *

“You wanted to see me, Jack?”

The grey-haired District Attorney ushered Rafael into his office and motioned for him to take a seat. “I just wanted to thank you for helping out with everything that’s been going on here. The feedback’s been good so far. Great feedback from the summer interns, especially. You really should consider volunteering next year,” he smiled.

He heaved a sigh of relief - talking to young people wasn’t quite his cup of tea, but he’d come to enjoy his new role, and was secretly glad no one had complained about him. “My pleasure. It’s been a great experience,” Rafael replied, although he secretly hoped that circumstances wouldn’t warrant another summer doing work for HR. God forbid he and Olivia still be embroiled in some cold war at this time next year, or worse - things getting so bad that he’d have to ask for a transfer out of the Sex Crimes Bureau. That was a bridge he didn’t ever want to cross or even consider at the moment.

“Are you feeling better now?” When Rafael eyed him skeptically, Jack shrugged and added, “Come on, Rafael, this isn’t a trap. It’s my job to make sure that my ADAs are in good shape for work. I don’t want you burning out - if something’s going on and it’s related to the job, we’d better address it before things get too out of hand. I’ve lost too many ADAs to personal crises.”

 _Things already are out of hand._ “Well, I’m working through it...” Rafael started cautiously, “... but I should be fine to get back to work at the end of the month. This has been a nice change of pace.” The last thing he needed was for Jack to think that he couldn’t do his job anymore, because actually leaving the DA’s office was out of the question for him.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what do you think caused the burn-out? Work-life balance? Difficult cases? I know it’s been an exceptionally rough year for you. I’m surprised you haven’t taken more time off already. Not many times have I had an ADA moved into protective custody.”

“Well, that, partially…” Rafael frowned thinking about Felipe Heredio, “... and I think I just needed a break to start seeing things clearly again. Things got too intense - I just felt like I was missing some objectivity. I think this break is taking care of it.”

Technically not a lie - Olivia had completely decimated his ability to do his job objectively. Until this situation between them was sorted out, there was no way he felt confident prosecuting SVU’s cases. Right now, one look at Olivia and he’d either tank a case for her sake or end up picking some stupid fight with her; he _knew_ he wouldn’t be able to keep it together. His legal objectivity - the one thing he needed to do his job well - was in jeopardy, and he desperately needed to make sure he still had it before stepping anywhere near the precinct.

Thankfully, Jack didn’t seem to be too worried, because all he did was nod slowly, as though he perfectly understood Rafael’s predicament. “Good that you’re so self-aware.”

A sudden knock at the door interrupted their conversation. “Mr. McCoy? Captain Tucker’s here to see you.”

 _Shit_ , Rafael muttered under his breath. Just the person he _didn’t_ want to see.

Jack’s eyes quickly shifted to the digital clock on his desk. “Send him in,” he replied. “Rafael,” he added quietly, turning back to him, “you’ve met Ed, haven’t you? I hope there isn’t any bad blood left from the sex trafficking investigation.”

 _Oh, there is bad blood. There is SO MUCH bad blood. And it isn’t even because of that investigation._ But he couldn’t tell Jack that, so he was going to have to grit his teeth and make this meeting as quick as possible.

Rafael immediately stiffened and tried his best to avert eye contact when the exceptionally tall former IAB captain walked through the door of Jack’s office. “Barba,” Ed said curtly, blue eyes suspiciously surveying him.

“Captain Tucker,” Rafael muttered, shuddering a little seeing the hatred and intensity in Ed’s expression; even angrier than the awkward encounter they’d had in the squad room during the Jeffrey and Regina Prince investigation. Shit, just how much did Ed know about him and Olivia? But the last thing he wanted to do was look scared of Ed Tucker, especially in the presence of their now-shared boss.

“Rafael, I’m sure you know that Ed’s the latest addition to the Conviction Integrity Unit,” Jack smiled, seemingly oblivious to the rising tension in the room. “He transferred on very short notice since they’re a little short-handed at the moment.”

Damn it. Now Rafael knew why Ed had secured a transfer so quickly. This was the worst possible time for him to start a new job here, and also the worst possible time for him to have a meeting with Jack...

“Glad I could step in,” Ed smirked in Rafael’s direction, his gaze lingering for an uncomfortably long time. “I’ve admired the unit for a long time, and I just _had_ to take the position when it opened up. I’m looking forward to starting work.”

“Welcome to the DA’s office, Captain. I’ll leave you two to chat.” Rafael steadied his shaking legs and rose from his seat to exit the room, quietly shutting the door behind him - and he could swear that he saw a triumphant, smug grin on Ed’s face. That _prick._

If his sleepless nights of speculation about Ed Tucker’s motivations for joining the DA’s office hadn’t already tortured him enough, now Rafael was sure that Ed Tucker had more than just a healthy respect for the CIT behind his sudden transfer to the DA’s office. As he walked back to his office, he reached for his phone and texted the only person he knew he could confide in at the moment.

_Rita, you will NOT believe who just accepted a position at the DA’s office._

_News travels fast, Raf. Also, you’re above a petty fight with Ed Tucker. Stand your ground and don’t lose your cool, but I’m sure I don’t have to remind you._

The message that immediately followed was the wake-up call he didn’t realise he needed.

_Like I said, this is as much on Olivia as it is on you. You had very good reasons to take this break. Don’t let Tucker mess with your head._

Everything that had happened between him and Olivia - _both_ of them had gotten themselves into this mess. He couldn’t possibly take all the blame for it, even though he was sure that Ed Tucker would try to make him feel that way.

Rafael just hoped that he’d remember that the next time he saw Ed around the office.

* * *

“Thanks for meeting me here, Rita.”

She smiled and strolled around his office as he finished up the last of his work. “Since you’re so free now, I thought you’d finally take some time to decorate this place a little. Why is it even barer than before? Where did all your postcards and photo frames go?” Her eyes lingered on the now-empty shelves and windowsill.

“I took them down. Thought it was time for a fresh start.” He didn’t mention that he’d removed all of his prints because they only reminded him of the Musee D’Orsay, which then reminded him of Olivia. _Out of sight, out of mind, right?_

When he didn’t look up from his screen, Rita glanced at her watch. “Are you done? I need to be in court at 2.”

“Sorry, I’m just finishing up.” He placed the finishing touches on the PowerPoint presentation he was working on and promptly closed his laptop.

“Forlini’s lunch special?” she suggested, although she quickly realised that was a no-go when she watched a look of hesitation cross his face. Forlini’s and Olivia practically went hand-in-hand for him - she should’ve known better. “How about you choose where we eat? I’m good with anything.”

“Chinese it is, then.” It was a bit of a trek, but that meant he and Rita could have a proper conversation without constantly looking over their shoulders for anyone they worked with.

“How’s the new gig going? You look… well-rested,” she noted with an amused grin.

“Turns out getting 8 hours of sleep a night can make you a new human being,” he joked.

“I never made you for HR’s new favourite person, Raf. But I’m glad to see you looking so jovial. Are you holding up fine?”

“If you’re asking if I’ve talked to Olivia, no, I haven’t,” he said proudly. “But… this break hasn’t been quite as peaceful as I wanted it to be.”

Rita shot him a sympathetic look. “It’s not just Ed Tucker working here. Carisi and Rollins stormed into my office looking for answers a few days ago because they’re pissed about what I did. Jack gave them Scott Johnson as my replacement and you know Scott - I don’t know how he hasn’t been fired yet.”

“It’s inconvenient for them, but it’s _still_ not on you, Raf. They’ll have to find some way to get by, just like you need this time away from Olivia to get your head straight. Have you decided what you’re going to do after the month’s up?”

“Go back to work, probably. As nice as this has been, I need to get my act together and find a way to work with Liv if I want to stay in this job,” he shrugged. “And honestly, I could do with seeing Ed Tucker less than I am now. I swear, Rita, he keeps giving me the stink-eye when I pass him in the hallway.”

“Speak of the devil,” she muttered under her breath, and glanced at the end of the hallway, where Ed was approaching them.

“Fuck,” Rafael cursed quietly. “Not again. This is the third time this week.”

“Barba. Rita.” Ed paused for just a second as he walked past - a pause long enough for Rafael and Rita to see red-hot anger flash in his eyes.

“Ed. Nice to see you again,” Rita replied with zero sincerity in her voice, and quickly walked past him, Rafael almost sensing an eye-roll from his friend.

“ _Please_ tell me you noticed that too,” Rafael muttered to her when Ed was out of earshot. “This has happened three times already. First we run into each other in the hallway outside my office, and then in the men’s bathroom on my floor, and outside the conference room where the orientation is taking place. It’s like we’re fated to run into each other!”

“Ed giving you the stink-eye? I’m not exactly surprised, Raf. You’re probably his number-one enemy right now. But there isn’t much that you can do about it, right?” she noted.

“Almost makes me wish I were back in the precinct. I don’t need his petty anger in my life.”

“He hasn’t actually said anything _to_ you beyond staring you down, has he?”

“No, nothing yet. I’m starting to think that it’s inevitable,” Rafael wondered out loud. “Bet you he’s going to storm into my office and try to get a rise out of me.”

“You _did_ sleep with his girlfriend, Raf. He does have a right to be mad at you,” she pointed out.

Rafael bristled. “As if I haven’t thought about that enough, Rita. But if he wants to talk to me about it, he can at least sit down and have a real conversation with me instead of staring me down in the hallway.”

“Damn, I need to witness _that_ ,” she chuckled dryly.

“Don’t get your hopes up. I have _nothing_ to say to Ed Tucker.”

Truthfully, maybe Rafael did feel a _little_ bad for the man - he’d once been in the exact same boat, and the sting of learning that Yelina had cheated on him with Alex had never quite been extinguished permanently. Maybe he owed Tucker an apology, at the very least, for getting between him and Olivia.

But he looked over at his friend, remembering how upset and broken she’d sounded when she’d told him about Ed’s infidelity, and realised that Ed’s hands were just as dirty as his. They’d _both_ done terrible things. Ed couldn’t claim any moral high ground over him, and that made Rafael feel much better about the prospect of facing him down.

“Come on, let’s forget about that and stuff our faces with dumplings before you have to get to court,” he suggested.

“Vanessa Dumplings? Wow, I never thought you’d suggest that,” she remarked incredulously.

“What can I say - my new position has changed me. Also, Rita?”

“Mmm?”

He turned and smiled at her. “Thanks for everything.”

“Come on Rafael, don’t tell me that you’ve become sentimental all of a sudden. You know I’ll always be in your corner. And you can repay me by buying me lunch.”

“Consider that done,” he smirked. Thank God for Rita, because he’d probably have combusted if he didn’t have her to confide in.

“You’ll be fine. Ed’s probably going to tire of this soon enough, anyway.”

He hoped that it was true - and that he’d tire of it before this leave of absence ended, so he’d get least a few peaceful days in 1 Hogan Place.

* * *

“Mr. Barba, I’m going to take my lunch break now. Would you like me to get you anything?”

“I’m good, thank you. Take as much time as you need.”

“Alright, thank you. Drop me a text if you need anything.”

Without another word, Carmen had left her desk right outside his office door, leaving Rafael to bask in the relative silence of the afternoon. All his neighbours were in meetings or at the courthouse, leaving him alone with his salad, a cup of coffee, and that morning’s edition of the New York Times, while the printer whirred in the background as it generated that afternoon’s speaker notes and handouts. For the first time in a few days, he decided to let himself truly forget about the ongoing situation and increasingly hostile glares from Ed Tucker, and direct his attention towards something non-work related.

Until he heard the pitter-patter of footsteps approach his door and he realised that any peace he had was going to be short-lived.

The door flung open before he could bark at the visitor for forgetting to knock, and he realised with horror that he was face-to-face with an absolutely furious-looking Ed Tucker. First Carisi and Rollins, and now Ed Tucker? He seriously needed to start locking his office door.

“There’s something called _knocking_ , Captain. I’m not available at the moment,” he said quickly, not bothering with any pleasantries - he hoped that Ed would return when he was ready for what looked like a tense conversation ahead.

“Barba. You’re not available? You certainly don’t _look_ busy.” He eyed Rafael’s newspaper, which just happened to be open to the Theatre section - _fuck_ the bad timing - and the freshly-printed handouts, emblazoned with “ADA Orientation 2016” in bold typeface on the top. “You’re working with HR now, huh? A bit of a downgrade from SVU, isn’t it?” Ed taunted. _Nope, he’s not going anywhere._ They were going to have this discussion here and now.

“Are you here just to get a rise out of me?” Rafael asked impatiently, staring at the sheets that had just slid out of the printer to avert eye contact.

Ed ignored the question. “You think hiding in here for a month’s going to throw me off so easily?”

“I don’t follow.” Rafael finally looked up at Ed, whose hatred for the ADA burned in his blue eyes.

 _I will NOT let Ed Tucker intimidate me in my own office_ , he thought, although that resolve started to disappear rapidly the more Ed’s eyes bored into his soul. He hadn’t come here just to shake Rafael up - he meant business, and it didn’t look like he was going to leave until he got the answers he wanted.

“I’m here to get to the bottom of things, Barba. Or is it Rafael? Raf? What does she call you when you’re in bed together, _fucking_ behind my back?” Ed snarled.

Rafael gritted his teeth and desperately tried to still his shaking voice. _Keep it cool, Barba._ The last thing he needed was to blow up in front of Ed Tucker. “I’m not having this discussion with you right now,” he replied. “Get _out_ of my office.”

“Oh, no, I’m not going anywhere.” He took a seat in the chair opposite Rafael. “We have _a lot_ to talk about. So much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my apologies for another cliffhanger, ha. anyway, say hi [@immen_sity](http://twitter.com/immen_sity) on Twitter!


	14. Conflict/Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Olivia are forced to deal with a *very* angry Ed Tucker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everyone for your continued support of this fic - your reviews mean the world to me! 😊

“Oh, no, I’m not going anywhere. We have _a lot_ to talk about. So much.”

Something about the way Ed Tucker crossed his legs and leaned back in Rafael’s armchair, wearing that _stupid_ smug grin on his face, made Rafael want to march right over to him and punch him squarely in the face. But he wasn’t about to lose his job over an assault charge, so he settled for defensively folding his arms and hiding his (embarrassingly) shaking legs under his desk. He’d never admit to anyone that he was _afraid_ of this man.

And now he was face-to-face with him, with absolutely nowhere to hide.

“Then get on with it, because I need to be somewhere in twenty minutes, Captain,” Rafael replied flatly as he glanced at the clock on his desk.

“Captain, huh? You know I’ve left the NYPD. I thought you’d be friendlier to your new _colleague_ …” he taunted, lingering uncomfortably on the final word.

 _Yeah, you’ve made that abundantly clear staring me down all around this damned office building._ “Just tell me what you want,” Rafael sighed, hoping that remaining calm and emotionless would defuse what looked to be a bomb on the verge of exploding.

“So… how long have you been sleeping with Olivia, _Rafael_?” Ed demanded. “Seems like you two have gotten pretty close.”

 _Shit, this man wastes absolutely no time._ He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “It only happened once,” Rafael declared, knowing that he’d quickly unravel if he clarified everything else. “One time. There’s nothing more to it,” he added insistently. The faster he could end this conversation, the better.

Ed sprang out of his chair and furiously paced around the room. “Oh, you can’t pull the wool over my eyes that easily. Especially not when you brought her back to your apartment when I was away in Albany!” he roared, blue eyes boring into his soul.

 _Albany._ He’d found out about the night they’d gone to dinner and watched that movie at his place. How on earth had they been spotted? “Nothing happened. We met as friends, we watched a movie. That was it, I swear.”

Technically they hadn’t done anything more than watch a movie, but Ed was still getting dangerously close to finding out the _whole_ truth, and dread started to creep into Rafael’s chest. He nervously eyed the door, knowing full well that he couldn’t flee the room now, but wishing that he could anyway.

“That’s not all, Barba. Did you two get cosy when you were in protective custody? She cry into your shoulder after Dodds’ funeral? She tell you all about how we were having problems? How would you like me to tell everyone in the DA’s office that you _screwed_ a colleague in a relationship?”

Rafael looked him right in the eye and steadied his trembling voice. “Tucker, we are nothing more than _friends._ Friends who’ve worked together for the last few years.”

 _Friends who also kissed_ , although Rafael made sure to leave that detail out. Ed Tucker was worked up enough with just a _suspicion_ that he and Olivia were involved - he didn’t want to imagine his reaction if he found out they’d actually done something behind his back. Somehow, Ed’s threat didn’t seem empty, and Rafael couldn’t give the man _any_ ammunition. There was too much at stake - his career, his reputation, his hopes of rebuilding things with her.

“Why did you do it, Barba?” Ed pressed, his fingers pressing into the grooves of Rafael’s desk. “Why did you do it?”

 _Because I love her; I love her so damn much_ , Rafael wanted to scream.

“Why couldn’t you just leave her the hell alone? Leave _us_ alone?”

 _Because you’re an asshole she never deserved,_ he wanted to snarl. _A cheating asshole._

“Cat’s got your tongue?” Ed leaned in menacingly - close enough for Rafael to see the wrinkles around his eyes and flared nostrils.

He hated this man’s face; hated being in his presence. He hated his entitlement; the way he’d stormed into his office. He hated the way that he treated Olivia.

The anger and disappointment he’d felt on the day Olivia had told him she was in a relationship with this man - in this very office, in the exact spot Ed Tucker was now standing - flooded his mind once again. He hated the jealousy that was burning in his chest.

He hated that he couldn’t have Olivia Benson - not even after they’d woken up in the same bed and kissed and did everything that a couple did.

And Rafael snapped.

“Olivia never deserved you,” Rafael muttered through gritted teeth.

“And you think you can do better than me? You, with your loud mouth and ridiculous suits and courtroom _stunts_?” Ed retaliated.

Adrenaline - and red-got anger - coursed through Rafael’s veins. The nerve of this man, to barge into _his_ office, to insult him like that. “ _You_ think you’re much better than that?”

“She _chose_ to be with me, Rafael,” he fired back, saying his name like it was a curse word.

_Fuck this man and fuck his arrogance._

“Then why did she _choose_ to sleep with me? To visit me when I was in protective custody? To _kiss_ me when I was in that hotel room? To go to my apartment? It’s because she didn’t want to be with _you_ ,” Rafael retorted, his voice growing increasingly loud and emphatic.

So much for not giving Ed Tucker more ammunition for his crusade.

“I knew it - I knew you two were up to something behind my back!” he shouted, face inching dangerously close to Rafael’s.

Rafael recoiled hearing the smack of Ed’s hand against the wooden tabletop, and stared into his eyes, now loaded with a frenzied, feverish, and paralysing rage. He needed to get this man to shut up - this stuck-up, insufferable, man who’d torn Olivia’s heart in half and betrayed his oldest friend by _cheating_ on-

“Well, I know that _you_ cheated on Rita Calhoun!”

The words slid off Rafael’s tongue before the gravity of those nine words could hit him fully. An uneasy silence sank over the room.

 _Fuck_ , Rafael cursed silently - he hadn’t intended to bring up what’d happened with Rita, but he’d felt so backed into a corner that it just slipped out of his mouth. Now he couldn’t take it back, and he had first-row access to Ed’s reaction - the first semblance of power he had in this cursed conversation, although that was the last thing he wanted.

Rafael studied Ed’s face closely, watching the raw anger on his face turn to shock, and then to a silent - but teeming - horror. “How did you-...?”

Ed didn’t have to complete his sentence before he put two and two together. Everyone in their circles knew of the long friendship between Rita and Rafael.

Rafael suddenly wished that he had a glass of scotch on his desk, because he desperately needed a distraction - and liquid courage - before he continued this conversation. He looked over at Ed, who’d collapsed into Rafael’s spare chair, hurt and betrayal written all over his face.

“Was this your way of getting back at me? Both of you screwing each other behind my back?” Ed asked without making eye contact, the raw anger now dissipated.

Rafael winced - Ed sounded genuinely wounded. He’d never meant for Rita’s secret to slip out as ammunition against the man. “I never told-” he protested, but he knew it was going to be futile. Nothing was going to convince Ed that he and Olivia weren’t currently in some secret relationship - what reason did he have to believe that Rafael hadn’t told Olivia about Rita?

“Save it, Barba,” he interrupted coldly. “If this is how you want to play it, then so be it.”

Rafael scrutinised Ed’s eyes once more, expecting to see hurt and sadness in them but finding only blankness. Nothing. Was he going to give him the silent treatment? Threaten him again? Explode into a rage? He had no way of knowing.

 _Olivia and I aren’t talking now. We aren’t involved. We never intended for things to end up this way_ , he wanted to scream, but his tongue felt like lead in his mouth. It was too late.

He’d said too much. Now Ed Tucker could continue on his warpath knowing that his suspicions had been confirmed.

Rafael was fucked.

Without another word, Ed stormed out of Rafael’s office, slamming the door behind him. Metal hit wood with an unsettling, dissonant _crack_ , and soon the room was silent yet again.

Before he could fully process what’d just happened, he reached for the half-finished bottle of scotch in his desk drawer - a bottle he hadn’t opened at all since he’d started this leave of absence - and poured himself a small glass, downing half of it in one gulp, not caring that he had a talk to give in fifteen minutes.

He’d let Ed Tucker get into his head, and now his professional reputation was one small slip away from becoming ruins. He couldn’t have the whole of 1 Hogan Place and possibly the entire NYPD find out about what’d happened between him and Olivia.

Rafael picked up his half-finished salad and tossed the remnants in the trash can next to his desk, his appetite now completely destroyed by this unwelcome intrusion. There was no time for rumination, because he had to be in the conference room in a few minutes’ time.

 _Fuck Ed Tucker,_ he thought, as he straightened his tie and adjusted his cufflinks.

 _Fuck my stupid big mouth_ , he admonished himself, as he put the chair that Ed Tucker had been sitting on back in its original place.

 _Fuck this mess we’re in_ , he cursed, as he took another swig from his glass of scotch.

He didn’t want to know what Ed Tucker had in store for them.

* * *

“Noah, sweetie, finish your spaghetti _before_ you play with your Legos,” Olivia sighed exasperatedly as the boisterous toddler leapt out of his seat for the umpteenth time that evening and made a beeline for his toybox. Between the sauce stains on the counter, the blocks strewn all over the living room floor, and piles of undone laundry in the corner, Olivia didn’t know what the _hell_ to do with herself.

_Bzzzz._

This had better not be about work, she thought, because she couldn’t deal with a screaming toddler and dirty dishes and leftover pasta sauce all at once.

_New message from Rafael Barba_

Olivia’s eyes shot open and she frantically waved her thumb over the home button. This was the first she’d heard from him since his sudden departure. It couldn’t be good.

_I hate that I have to text you about this, but Olivia, you need to do something about Ed Tucker._

She flinched briefly seeing “Olivia” and not “Liv” on the screen, but that discomfort quickly turned to sheer fright when she realised that _he_ was asking her for her help. What the _hell_ had Ed done to Rafael?

_He’s been giving me the evil eye in the hallway all week, and today he stormed into my office to pick a fight with me about **you.** He’s convinced that we’ve been sleeping together the whole time. Shouted at me. Threatened to let this leak to everyone in the DA’s office._

_I tried to talk him down, but he’s furious. Can you please talk him out of this before it gets any worse?_

Olivia couldn’t focus on Noah, who was tossing his Legos all over the living room carpet, any longer. The audacity of Ed to pick a fight with Rafael at work! Their mostly amicable break-up had happened without much fuss, but then again, she wouldn’t put it past him to embark on a rage-filled expedition to the office of his arch-rival. Rafael _afraid_ of Ed Tucker, when he practically made a living from arguing? He must’ve gotten into Rafael’s head - badly.

It was her worst nightmare - Ed continuing to fan the flames of tension when what they really needed was space from the mess she’d gotten them into. And now Rafael wanted _her_ to do damage control. She sighed and hastily typed a reply, while attempting fruitlessly to keep a watchful eye on her toddler.

_I’m so sorry, Rafael. I’ll talk to Ed and try my best to make things right._

_Please do, because I can’t get any work done like this. The sooner this ends, the better._

Olivia wondered if it was time to use this as an opening to start a new conversation with Rafael, but decided against it when she realised that she still had to clean up after her son _and_ put him to bed in the next couple of hours. Clearly Rafael had reached out to her only because Ed had backed him into a corner, and she couldn’t take advantage of this.

She _had_ to make this right, so she opened a chat that she’d long buried and now dreaded looking at.

_Ed, we need to talk. Can we FaceTime later?_

She sent the message and immediately dropped her phone on the couch like it was on fire. There was no way that she wanted or could meet him with him in person to discuss this on short notice, and doing it over text just seemed too difficult - FaceTime was the only compromise she could think of. At least she wouldn’t have to face him - not directly, at least.

Ten endless minutes later, she got her reply.

_Okay. Call me when you’re ready._

She’d spoken this call into existence. Now she had to talk down her furious ex-boyfriend - one she’d betrayed. _Ed, stop making trouble for the person I cheated on you with?_ It sounded utterly stupid, but she didn’t have a choice. Ed making trouble for Rafael meant trouble for her too, and she couldn’t have that happen.

The growing trepidation in her stomach burned all through playtime and bathtime with Noah and the bedtime story she read to him. So much for a relaxed night alone with her son and away from the epicentre of tension that was the 16th Precinct, because now all she could think about was fixing this Ed mess before he could badger Rafael any further.

A glass of wine for liquid courage later, she set her iPad up on the kitchen counter and made sure that Noah was fast asleep before dialling Ed’s number.

His image filled her screen and she felt herself shrink just looking at his cold, hostile facial expression. “What did you want to talk about?” he asked, voice flat and emotionless.

He wasted absolutely no time. From the slightly grainy image she could make out his worn living room couch and old NYPD T-shirt - both items she’d seen during her few visits to his apartment. The sad irony that she was getting another look inside only after they’d broken up wasn’t lost on her, but she had something else far more pressing on her mind.

“I need to talk to you about what happened with Rafael in the office today,” she said, tone echoing his curtness. _Keep it together, Olivia_.

“He already told you about it? I’m not surprised. What about it?” he asked casually, as though nothing had happened at all, although his sarcasm clearly stung.

She sighed disapprovingly. “Rafael told me that you stormed into his office, picked a fight with him about me, and then threatened to tell everyone about what happened! Why the hell did you do that, Ed?” She kept her voice down, conscious of Noah sleeping in the next room, but trusted that she’d made her anger abundantly clear to him.

She needed answers, and she was going to get them from him _now_.

Ed barely suppressed an eye roll. “You’re siding with _Rafael_ just like that? You didn’t even ask for my side of the story,” he retorted, Rafael’s name slipping off his tongue mockingly.

Olivia pretended that she hadn’t flinched. “What “side” is there to talk about? You could have settled this civilly with him _outside_ of work. Instead you barge in and make threats? Please tell me you’re not serious about that.”

“See, it’s always like this with you. Sticking up for Barba, throwing me under the bus. You two don’t have to try so hard to hide it anymore - I know you’ve been screwing behind my back. Pretending that our break-up was because of just you? Acting all noble and “letting me go” because I deserved better? You never were going to tell me that you were fucking him all along, were you?”

“Ed, Rafael and I are _not_ in a relationship,” she insisted firmly. “We are _friends_. Nothing more. Nothing happened after we slept together that one time.”

“You two even coordinated your stories. Wow,” he retorted sarcastically. “You don’t have to hide it anymore, Liv - I know about the kisses, about the time you went to his apartment. I know you went to screw Barba for revenge. Because you two didn’t have the balls to confront me about my mistake, to my face...”

 _Fuck._ He knew. Rafael had told him everything.

Had Ed forced that out of him? Had Rafael snapped under pressure? Her mind was moving at a million miles an hour, generating new questions, until…

“Hold on. What are you talking about?” she interjected urgently. “Confront you about _what_? What mistake?”

She racked her brains, but nothing came up. She stared at the grainy image on the screen in confusion. Did Rafael know something about Ed that she didn’t?

He angrily ran a hand through his hair and stared into the camera lens. “Don’t feign ignorance. You really didn’t have to go so far to get back at me, Liv. I know Barba told you everything. You two didn’t have to punish me like this for something that happened five years ago. I cheat on Rita Calhoun _once_ and you two act-”

“What?” All sense fled her body and Olivia’s jaw dropped. “You cheated on Rita Calhoun?!”

It felt like the room was spinning. She suddenly became conscious of the death grip she had on her iPad; the deadly silence of her kitchen; her rapid breathing and shaking legs.

_Ed cheated on Rita Calhoun?_

There was no faking a reaction like this, and Olivia watched Ed’s face fall realising that he’d said too much. They awkwardly averted each other’s gazes, the only audible sounds the crackling of the FaceTime audio, until she took a deep breath and picked up where they left off. The sooner they ended this call, the better.

Even with the new can of worms she’d opened, she had to make things right for Rafael.

“Ed, you need to stop bothering Rafael and threatening him like that,” Olivia finally said, this time more calmly and seriously. “I know it’s not my place to ask you when I’m the one who messed up, but I know this isn’t you, so please…”

The screen turned to black before she could complete her sentence.

_Shit._

Ed had hung up on her.

Olivia shut down the iPad and shoved it into her kitchen drawer, unable to stare at the screen for a second longer. Now she wished she’d taken the time to meet Ed in person instead of calling him like this, because now she had no clue what Ed was going to do next.

_Ed cheated on Rita Calhoun._

She stumbled to her bedroom and collapsed onto her bed, the glass of wine she’d chugged now making her feel incredibly nauseous. She’d lied to Ed, of course, but now she knew that _he’d_ lied to her too. And she didn’t know what to make of that.

Worst of all, she didn’t have a clue if she’d talked Ed out of his rage, although her gut was telling her that she’d only made it worse.

Olivia grabbed her phone from her nightstand, feeling its heaviness in her palm as she contemplated her words.

_I’m sorry, Rafael. I’ll make things right._

She ran her thumb over the “send” button, but couldn’t find the courage to hit it.

* * *

Amanda sprinted up the staircase, desperate to be free of the musty scent of the basement of the Manhattan DA’s office. She quickly glanced at her phone and found a text from Fin, telling her to meet him by the building entrance, and made a beeline for the brass doors.

Sunlight drenched her, reminding her how beautiful a day it’d been _until_ she remembered that she and Fin had “friendly chats” with a familiar face who’d recently joined the Conviction Integrity Unit. They’d cursed how last-minute and abrupt these “chats” were as they sped towards 1 Hogan Place, wondering what business Ed Tucker had with them, although Amanda had a nagging feeling that it had something to do with his recent break-up.

Now, three hours later, she didn’t know what to make of what had just happened in that stuffy basement interview room. Sure, it wasn’t IAB with its clinical, white-washed walls and uncomfortable metal chairs, but even the leather-padded seats and oak tables didn’t make her feel any more at home.

“Hey, thanks for waiting,” she said when she noticed Fin standing at the street corner, two fresh cups of coffee in hand.

“Tucker gave you hell in there?” he asked sympathetically as she composed herself and gratefully accepted the piping hot cup. “You were inside for awfully long.”

“So were you,” Amanda noted. “I’ve never been more grateful to stretch my legs,” she groaned, as they made their way back to the car. Typically she spent boring interrogations tapping her foot to the rhythm of The Devil Went Down to Georgia, but the awkward table and chair heights in the DA’s office made even that much-needed distraction impossible.

“So… what did he ask you?” Fin asked casually.

She scratched her head. “I got some _weird_ questions in there. Don’t know what to think. That was one weird “friendly chat”.”

Fin cocked an eyebrow and lowered his voice. “Did he bring up the gambling problems again?” That was a subject no one in the precinct liked to bring up, but it was just like Ed Tucker to zoom in on that, and he hoped that the incident from a couple of years ago that almost cost her her badge wasn’t going to come back to haunt them all.

Amanda let some relief wash over her. At least Tucker hadn’t pried into her personal life again - not like he could, with this new job. “No, and thank _God_ he didn’t, but he kept asking me about… Liv and Barba?” she remarked quizzically.

Fin frowned hearing Olivia’s name. Was it really appropriate of Ed Tucker to question Amanda about her when their break-up was so fresh? “Liv and Barba? That’s kind of inappropriate, is it not? What did he say?”

“Um, something about whether I ever suspected prosecutorial misconduct, or someone in the squad having undue influence on trials or legal proceedings,” she muttered. “I don’t know, Fin, it just seemed odd to me. One minute we were talking about filing evidence and suddenly he’s going on about our squad’s relationship to the DA’s office. He even asked me if I think Liv has “significant sway” on the way Barba tries his cases? He _definitely_ wants to know more about whatever’s going on between them.”

A look of astonishment crossed Fin’s face as he replayed the “friendly chat” he’d spent the last hour trying to forget in his head. “Hold on. Now that you mention it… he asked me a bunch of weird questions too. Stuff about working with ADAs, how closely we work with Barba compared to our previous ADAs, the whole “undue influence” issue… And you’re right, the questions _did_ come out of nowhere. But why? I know he just broke up with Liv, but did Barba do something to piss him off too?”

“I think Tucker was trying to get something out of us…” Amanda said hesitantly as she fiddled with the lid of her coffee cup, deep in thought. “I could be completely wrong on this, Fin… but I think there’s something going on between Barba, Liv and Tucker.”

“You mean all the funny stuff you noticed between the three of them a couple of months ago?” he frowned, recalling the times they’d quietly wondered about Tucker showing up at the precinct every single day, which now seemed like an eternity ago. No one had dared to ask Olivia what was going on, but it was becoming clear that _now_ was the time to start asking questions.

“Not just that. Liv and I had dinner a couple of weeks ago and she told me that she and Barba are having some kind of personal feud. And don’t get me started on all the weird stuff that’s been happening in the precinct. Either they’re joined at the hip or not talking at all, and surely it can’t just be related to the cases we’re working on.”

Fin took a slow sip of his coffee as he put two and two together. He hated speculating about Olivia’s often-complicated personal life, in the same way that Olivia never probed into his, but what Amanda said was starting to make sense…

“The timing’s weird. Tucker breaks up with Liv, Liv stops talking to Barba, and now all these questions about whether Liv and Barba are too closely involved under the guise of a work interview? I was so uncomfortable the whole time Tucker was talking to me. Something isn’t right here, and I don’t think it’s just a work problem.” Amanda’s senses were screaming at her, and she prayed that Fin had caught on too so she’d know for sure that she wasn’t going crazy.

“So... your theory is that something is going on between Tucker, Barba and Liv… and Tucker’s trying to use his job to get to the bottom of things?” Fin asked cautiously. The timing of it all _did_ seem eerie, and he’d definitely wondered what had caused their most dedicated ADA to disappear for a whole month, but only _now_ did that sudden departure feel like part of a larger problem.

“Something smells fishy. Feels like Ed’s got a grudge against Barba… and maybe Liv. I know Liv’s personal life is none of our business, but I really don’t like that Ed’s poking around our cases…”

Fin sighed, but had to agree with Amanda. If the Conviction Integrity Unit was going to start looking into SVU’s cases, he needed to be sure that Ed Tucker wasn’t going to screw them over over some secret grudge, or worse - concoct something where there was nothing (one of his talents, of course). “I don’t like this either. Since when has Ed Tucker been _unprofessional_ at work? He’s got such a massive stick up his ass, I bet he reads the NYPD code of conduct as a bedtime story. This isn’t right. Something’s gotten into him.”

“I think we need to talk to Liv about this when we get back. Look, I know you don’t like poking into Liv’s life but…”

“Between Barba disappearing and all _this_ , I think this is more than just Liv’s personal life we’re dealing with now. We need to know what we’re dealing with here, before Tucker calls us for another interview. Then at least we can get our stories straight and know what to say to him,” Fin rationalised. “We’re in deep enough trouble as it is without Barba around. The last thing I want is for Tucker to screw her - and us - over even more.”

 _Thank God he’s on the same page_ , Amanda thought, because it usually took a hell of a lot convincing to get Fin to dig into Olivia’s personal affairs. Whatever was happening in her life, it felt the entire squad was suffering for it, and no one was enjoying this.

They had to get the _whole_ truth from her, not just some evasive half-truth like what’d she mentioned over spaghetti in Amanda’s apartment that night.

Fin started the car and they sped off in the direction of the precinct, and hopefully some answers.

* * *

Rafael stared blankly at his laptop screen, his finger absent-mindedly circling the rim of his coffee cup. 20 unread emails, an unfinished presentation on Frye hearings for the following morning, and the J Crew webpage where he’d unsuccessfully shopped for his mother’s birthday gift, but he was in no mood to attend to any of those looming tasks.

Had it really only been two days ago that Ed Tucker had stood in this very office, eyes boring through his soul?

Olivia still hadn’t responded further to Rafael’s desperate text message pleas to talk the man out of his rage, but judging from Tucker’s conspicuous absence from the hallways around Rafael’s office, his anger seemed to have dissipated slightly. Carmen kept an ear to the ground for any rumours of unsavoury conduct in the office, and she hadn’t remarked on anything seeming out of the ordinary. Maybe Tucker had come to his senses, or better - maybe Olivia had successfully convinced him to let this go for everyone’s sake.

Still, the uncertainty ate away at Rafael, and he wondered if the worst was yet to come. He felt like a sitting duck - a _fucking_ stupid sitting duck.

A knock on the door interrupted his train of thought. “Mr. Barba? Can I come in?”

Rafael motioned for Carmen to enter. “Ed Tucker passed me in the hallway when I was on the way to the bathroom. He wants to know if you’ve seen his email from this morning.”

 _Fuck_ , so much for Ed not bothering him any longer. What did he want this time? His eyes shot open when he scrolled to the email.

“The Conviction Integrity Unit wants to interview me? Ed Tucker wants to interview me?” he asked incredulously. This couldn’t be good.

“I saw Detectives Rollins and Tutuola come in for an interview with Ed Tucker this morning. I think he’s looking into SVU’s cases,” Carmen pointed out casually, clearly unaware of what that meant for all of them.

Rafael chewed on his lower lip and stared at his screen. _Please reply to this email with your availability as soon as possible._ That was the last thing he wanted to do - sign up to sit in a room with his new arch-nemesis for an hour as he grilled him on potential prosecutorial misconduct, and likely his _involvement_ with a certain SVU detective. Was this what detectives felt like when they had to go to IAB?

“Do you want me to send him your schedule, Mr. Barba?”

“It’s fine, Carmen - I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry,” he replied, although his mind was filled with nothing but worry.

“Alright, then.” She quietly closed the door behind her.

He knew for sure now - _nope_ , things weren’t over with Ed. Anxiety flooded his body for the umpteenth time in the last couple of days, and he just knew that he was going to sweat through his freshly-pressed shirt and jacket. If that wasn’t annoying enough, now he had to think about how to spin this interview with Ed. Either Olivia hadn’t talked to Ed yet, or worse - she’d talked to him and failed to calm him down.

Rafael racked his brains for anything else that he could do. Show that his conscience was clear by attending the interview, although that would mean having his history with Olivia taped and memorialised? Go to Ed’s office right now and apologise until Ed agreed not to tell the entire DA’s office _and_ NYPD about them? Do nothing and hope that he would calm down naturally?

Nothing sounded appealing, and Rafael itched to scream at something, or _someone_.

And so he whipped out his phone and fired off a text to the one friend he knew would be fine with him screaming his sorrows at her.

_Rita, I’m in pretty deep shit here._

_Please don’t be in court, please don’t be in court_ , he chanted under his breath, because he didn’t think he could sit still that long. A comforting ping arrived a few minutes later - thank God that Rita and her phone were surgically joined.

_Shit. What happened?_

_Ed Tucker. He’s furious_ , he typed with trembling fingers. The last thing he wanted to feel - _fear_.

_Call me._

He picked up the phone and told Rita everything the instant she picked up, not caring that he sounded like a rambling mess - the argument in his office, how he’d accidentally brought up Ed cheating on Rita, the CIU interviews. Three months ago his worst enemy had been whatever slimy defense attorney would pop up in court and then disappear for three months until they faced off in another case; now he was squaring off against one very well-connected and high-profile former NYPD captain.

All because he’d fallen in love with Olivia Benson.

“I don’t know what to do, Rita. You know him - is he really going to screw us over?” he asked in a blind panic, desperate for _any_ crumb of information that would help him make sense of the situation.

Rita’s voice, firm and assertive as ever, steadied him. “You stay where you are and don’t do _anything_. Don’t talk to him, don’t reply to his emails. I’m going to see what I can do.”

Before Rafael could ask her what exactly she intended, she uttered a quick “I need to be in court, talk more later” at him, and the line went dead. He ached to know what Rita had up her sleeve, but knowing her and her tone, she meant business. He was going to trust her.

* * *

“Liv, are you free to talk?”

Olivia looked up from her text conversation from Lucy and found a very-concerned looking Fin in the doorway, with an equally concerned Amanda right behind him. Shit, what had their incompetent replacement ADA - the one that Jack McCoy couldn’t have replaced because of a “manpower crunch” - done this time?

 _Right_ \- they’d just gotten back from their sudden and very bizarre “friendly chats” with Ed at the DA’s office, which she was 100% sure weren’t “friendly” or just “chats”.

She wasn’t about to tell them that she’d spent the entire time they were away fretting over what they were being asked in that room.

That only reminded her that she _still_ hadn’t figured out what she was going to tell Rafael about Ed, because she hadn’t figured out what to do to get him to back away once and for all, but now wasn’t the time to think about that.

“Come on in.”

Fin shut the door behind him, and Olivia stared at her detectives, who stood in an awkward silence like they had _a lot_ on their minds. “Are you going to just stand there, or do you have something you want to talk about?” she asked with a hint of irritation in her voice.

Amanda looked to Fin, eyes screaming at him to open his mouth first on account of his much longer friendship with Olivia. “Liv,” he began tentatively. “Is everything okay between you and Tucker?” He slid into one of the chairs in front of her desk, Amanda quickly following suit.

She raised an eyebrow. “Why do you ask that?” she asked, although she already had an idea of the answer.

“Tucker asked the both of us questions that we thought were rather… _inappropriate_ for an interview, and we were hoping you’d know why he asked them,” Fin added cautiously, Amanda nodding in agreement.

“Inappropriate how?” Olivia did not like where this was going. Ed Tucker, unprofessional at work? This was nothing like the man she knew, or thought she knew.

Amanda nervously laced her fingers together. “He kept asking us about whether or not there was any “collusion” between our squad and the DA’s office. Prosecutorial misconduct, influence over the way the ADAs try our cases…” she clarified, lightly emphasising “prosecutorial” in the hopes that Olivia would pick up on the hint without them actually having to ask her directly.

“That sounds reasonable given his new job scope,” Olivia noted half-heartedly.

_Don’t make me say it, don’t make me say it._

“Um… I think we need to know what happened between you, Tucker and Barba, Liv,” Amanda managed after an arduously long silence.

Olivia’s mouth suddenly felt incredibly dry. All she was doing was delaying the inevitable… but she still wanted to drag this out for as long as possible while she struggled to gather her thoughts. Where even was she going to start?

Fin and Amanda exchanged a knowing look, Amanda gesturing for Fin to ask the one question she’d had on her mind for the last couple of months, Fin motioning for _her_ to do it, until Amanda finally opened her mouth, looked Olivia in the eye, and said it once and for all.

“Liv… are you and Barba involved?”

“No!” Olivia fired back instinctively and too emphatically, startling the detectives. “No… I mean, _kind_ of, but… God, I don’t know,” she blurted out, stumbling over her words. She couldn’t even look up and look Amanda and Fin in the eye. They didn’t speak, but the shocked looks on their faces told her everything that she needed to know.

For months she’d kept her secret under wraps. It was finally time for it to see the light of day.

And even if she didn’t admit it to herself, maybe she wanted to get it off her chest and stop carrying this burden around - and stop punishing the squad, while she was at it.

Fin was the first to speak. “What happened?”

Olivia wished she had a glass of wine in hand, because even telling Fin and Amanda - her _friends_ \- about the events of the last few months flooded her body with anxiety. Half of her was screaming to get this over and done with; heck, maybe Fin and Amanda’s razor-sharp instincts would help her find a solution to this hell. The other half wanted to curl up into a ball and let the ground swallow her - she’d _cheated_ on a person she loved with a person she’d caught feelings for and just maybe, loved too…

But it was time to end this, even if it physically pained her to admit it.

She took a deep breath and forced herself to rip the Band-Aid. “I know why Ed asked you those questions.”

There were a million possible ways to say this; to soften the blow - but there was no point dancing around this any longer, was there?

Her cheeks turned a beet red and pulse accelerated wildly - her body’s way of punishing her even before she uttered a single word. Maybe this was God’s way of punishing her for a lifetime of running away from her emotions - by making her confront them head-on, right now.

“I cheated on Ed with Barba.”

 _There_ \- she’d said it. The hardest part was over.

“Oh my God, Liv,” Amanda muttered before she could catch herself, Fin casting her a disapproving glance. Olivia trained her eyes on the first thing in her line of sight - her pencil-holder - to avoid their gazes, but she didn’t have to look at them to know exactly what they were feeling. Fin and Amanda stayed silent, neither ready nor able to find the words to respond or a reasonable follow-up question.

 _Liv CHEATED on Ed Tucker?_ It was taking Amanda every fibre of her being not to let her jaw drop open. _When? How?_ Her mind raced as she put two and two together - the tension, the awkward meetings in the squad room, the relationship problems she talked about in her apartment the other week… Sure, she wouldn’t have been surprised in the slightest if Olivia and Barba had feelings for each other - the sexual tension between them could burn up a room. But for Olivia to _cheat_ on Ed Tucker with him? That was the last thing she’d expected her to do.

Everything made sense now - Ed’s possessiveness, him leaving IAB, Olivia and Barba’s hot-and-cold relationship. Amanda quietly glanced at Fin to see his reaction, but his face was as calm and non-judgmental as it always was with Olivia. She watched the way Olivia’s eyes carefully avoided theirs, the subtle hunch of her shoulders - this was tearing her heart apart.

“Are you and Barba… you know...?” Amanda asked.

“I don’t even know what we are,” Olivia lamented. “We’re not dating, we’re not just friends. Fuck, I don’t know. We haven’t been talking. That’s why he’s taken this leave of absence - he said he needs time to work through some issues,” she clarified remorsefully, the words tumbling out of her mouth in a chaotic whirl. _Not talking because I was a piece of shit who strung him along_.

“But it’s temporary, right? He told Carisi and me that he’s hoping to be back at the end of his month away,” Amanda remarked, hoping that it would alleviate Olivia’s worry slightly.

Fin seemed comforted by that information. “You and Barba have always been able to put aside your differences to get the job done. That’s a good sign.”

“I’m sorry,” Olivia said quietly, as she struggled to form a coherent sentence. “I know things have been messy around here, and it’s my fault…” None of this would have happened if not for her, and she wasn’t sure that she’d ever stop feeling guilty for dragging her squad through this mess, no matter how temporary.

“Stop, Liv,” Fin interjected assertively but gently. “Are _you_ doing alright?”

Amanda didn’t know what else to do other than cast Olivia sympathetic glances. Olivia looked dangerously close to tears, although she did a remarkable job of preventing them from flowing, and Amanda recognised the look on her face immediately - _shame_. Olivia was ashamed of everything she’d done. However all this had happened, it definitely had been _messy_.

“Ed’s been giving Rafael hell because he’s convinced we’ve been screwing behind his back, Rafael and I aren’t even talking, I can’t get Ed to calm down and back away... And we don’t have our ADA and now Ed is going after you two too? I can’t even think of how I’m going to fix this,” Olivia groaned. “You two must think that I’m such a mess.”

“Come on, you know that we’d never think that,” Fin said reassuringly, to which Amanda nodded in support. “It’s not on you if Ed Tucker decides to make trouble - or use his job to get the scoop on you and Barba.”

Olivia calmed down slightly - Fin had a point. She couldn’t control if Ed decided to be an unprofessional asshole who brought his troubles into the workplace, even if she was the cause of those troubles. The nerve of him to expose her demons, especially when he’d cheated on Rita Calhoun himself…

She and Rafael had that in their arsenal, but this was looking to devolve into a petty high school war that would leave no one unscathed, and there was no way that Rafael would ever betray Rita’s trust. He hadn’t even told Olivia about what he knew. That left her completely defenseless against Ed’s malice, and she didn’t know the lengths he’d go to in his rage.

“Is there anything we can do to help, Liv?” Amanda finally chimed in.

Olivia didn’t have to tell them to keep this under wraps - she knew that they’d never breathe a word about this to anyone. But even the unspoken promise of their confidence wasn’t enough to keep a quiet defeat from sinking in. “What is there that any of us can do? I tried to talk to Ed again, but he’s not responding to any of my messages. I’m just sitting around, hoping that he won’t do anything to completely torpedo my professional reputation.”

Fin and Amanda looked at each other defeatedly, acknowledging that Olivia was right. They could hold firm if Ed Tucker called them in for another “friendly chat”, especially since they knew for sure that Olivia and Barba weren’t actually involved, but what use did that have when Ed had already convinced himself otherwise?

Olivia quietly straightened her blazer and adjusted her glasses, to prove to her detectives - and herself - that she still could function, even if she was a shell of her former self. “Let’s just hope Ed lets this go soon and that Barba comes back so things can feel a little more normal. I’ll try to talk to Ed again. We need to try to keep things running as normally as we can - at least until I fix this mistake.”

The detectives took the hint and got out of their seats to leave as Olivia ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to look at least somewhat composed for the rest of the work day. She had her work cut out for her, and she knew she wasn’t going to be at ease again until they’d earned back any semblance of normalcy around here.

But she’d finally told her friends about it, and that was a weight off her shoulders that she’d been seeking for so long now.

The calendar on her desk was reminding her that Rafael was due back in the precinct in about a week, and that realisation flooded her with resolve. She was going to talk to Ed. She was going to get Rafael back to work with the confidence that they could do their jobs without Ed’s interference.

She was going to make this right, because she had to, even if she didn’t know how the hell to do that.

Fin and Amanda walked across the squadroom and returned to their desks in a stunned silence, minds frantically working to process the gravity of Olivia’s revelation. As Amanda busied herself by asking her babysitter for updates on Jesse, Fin couldn’t help but sneak glances at Olivia through her office window. His heart clenched watching the defeated, soulless way she opened her laptop and idly scrolled.

Ordinarily he’d stay out of Olivia’s way unless she asked for his help, but she was struggling _hard_ , and he hated seeing his friend this way. Once again Ed Tucker’s shrivelled face and hollow eyes popped into his memory, and he silently cursed the man for being the source of Olivia’s pain.

A man who no longer worked for the NYPD and hence didn’t have the sway he once had over his detective shield.

Maybe there was _something_ that Fin could do to remedy this situation after all. Ed Tucker had never liked him, and he’d always hated that husk of a man. What more did he have to lose?

The wheels in his head started turning.


End file.
